Welcome to an introduction to the 2016 Carolina Panthers! Last year we went 15-1 and led the league in scoring! We also ran the Cardinals out of the stadium in the NFC title game! Then we lost the Super Bowl to Von Miller, who is a scary monster man, as well as 21 other men! This fucking team.
HEAD COACH:
Riverboat Ron Rivera! He's back yet again and he's still not taking any risks that could even conceivably be seen as gambles! He used to be a pretty good DC and as a defensive minded HC he's doing pretty well (if you disregard that the Panthers have one of the best front 7s in the entire league because that just shows good coaching!). I would love to hate him as much as I have in previous years but after last year he did pretty damn well given that we had nothing but old retreads and Funchess trying to catch the ball. However, the real reason I'm not calling to "Fire Ron Rivera" for the 4th consecutive year is because there's no one better available. I hate him and this team so much.
QUARTERBACK: Cameron "Cam" "Thug" "Dabbing Fiend" Newton! He wears the number 1 and HOW DARE HE!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HIS EGO!!! ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE!!! STOP CELEBRATING!!! MY DAUGHTER WOULD RATHER WATCH THE CHEERLEADERS THAN YOUR DISGUSTING DANCES!!! WHAT A THUG!!!
Cam Newton is the best QB in the league and I love him so much. Never stop dancing or having fun Cam. Fuck the haters and win another damn MVP! Sucks if your QB isn't Cam Newton.
GENERAL MANAGER: Still Dave Gettleman! Why no Josh Norman, we're not worried about our secondary after you leave, we've got this handled! *drafts 3 CBs, none in the first round* What did we get in the first round? Why it's another goddamn DT! Because our depth at DT is surely suspect after Kawann Short and Star Lotulelei and Kyle Love! Clearly that takes precedence over replacing our All Pro CB who walked away in Free Agency in exchange for nothing! Meanwhile we're still starting Titans cast-off Michael Oher and Mike "Turnstile" Remmers at OT, a position that Gettleman has never addressed in the draft and seems utterly allergic to giving proper attention. Next years first round pick will be yet another redundant selection for a position we are already overflowing with talent at. Hey Gettleman, PROTIP: there's a reason BPA is being phased out worldwide, maybe you should pay attention!?
Still though, gotta hand it to Gettleman for grabbing Jeremy Cash out of Duke as a UDFA this year. He was an All-American last year and the ACC Defensive Player of the year as a Safety! Talk about a steal! Our secondary could definitely use the help he will
surely prov- WHAT!? YOU'RE MOVING HIM TO LINEBACKER!? THE DEEPEST AND BEST POSITION ON OUR ROSTER AND YOU'RE TRYING TO CONVERT A SAFETY!?!? AJ KLEIN CAN START ANYWHERE IN THE LEAGUE AND HE'S OUR SECOND STRING AND YOU THINK WE NEED MORE HELP!?!?!? FUCK YOU!!!
OFFENSIVE LINE: Kalil in the best Center in the league and Trai Turner is a stud, everyone else is trash trash trash and the Broncos made them look like fools. Lucky that Newton is so mobile, comes in handy when the line provides all the protection of a dryer sheet.
RUNNING BACK: J-Stew is back and Cameron Artis-Payne might actually be coming along nicely, together with Fozzy Whittaker. Mike Tolbert is a bowling ball and pretty good at picking up first downs. Too bad the RB position in the NFL is DEAD!!! *airhorns*
WIDE RECEIVER: Kelvin Benjamin is BACK BABY! (please don't die) Funchess can finally settle into a nice stable of WR along with Philly Brown and Ted Ginn Jr and oh god I just got excited about Philly Brown and Ted Ginn Jr catching the ball. Ugh.
As a UDFA we did add Keyarris Garrett for some nice depth after he led the ACC for the Hurricanes in receiving yards. Hang on, I've been told that he actually led the
AAC for the
Golden Hurricanes. Oh.
FUN FACT: Tulsa is known as the "Receiver Factory" for its storied history of producing top notch NFL receivers!
FUNNER FACT: That's a lie!
TIGHT END GREG OLSEN: GREG OLSEN!
KICKER: Graham Gano! He's still pretty good.
PUNTER: There was an honest to god punter battle at training camp this year that seemingly ended when the Panthers traded with the Browns for Andy Lee. I can't.
FRONT SEVEN: Probably the best in the league! Luke Kuechly is a total beast and is in the DPOY discussion every year. Thomas Davis has been with the team since 2005 but is still playing at a high level. Shaq Thompson, much maligned (by me) first round pick last year, has grown into the essential third piece in our 4-3. AJ Klein can play mid and outside as our lead second string LB and I'm glad he's still around. Kawann Short made the Pro Bowl last year in his third season and is blossoming into a perennial All-Pro. Kony Ealy is shaping up to be a worthy successor to Charles Johnson, who took a BIG pay cut to remain with the Panthers as their starting DE. Star Lotulelei has shown that he can play, and play well. I like all of these guys and think they're the biggest reason the Panthers D is so respected.
SECONDARY: Oh boy. Tillman retired and Norman took his ball and went home and Benwikere is coming off an injury and is currently behind a rookie 2nd and 3rd round draft pick on the depth chart and our starting safeties are Tre Boston and Kurt Coleman who I couldn't tell you anything about if I tried because they are so forgettable and Roman Harper who is a million years old went back to New Orleans and they're converting Jeremy Cash to a LB which means packing weight on him and everything about this unit is terrible and I just pray we beat the snot out of Norman and the Washington Racists in December. Fuck.
IN CONCLUSION: 12-4 with losses to the Cards, Chiefs, Seahawks, and an inexplicable Thursday night loss to the Saints, win the division and lose the NFC title game to Arizona.
KEEP POUNDING!!!