So I haven't really picked up Touhou in a while, only for LunaticNeckBeards. And I probably won't play it actively anymore to be honest. I've realized that I'm just not really capable of doing things that require lots of skillfulness. Things like LNN and scoring aren't really things that I can really handle. I mean I can if I drown enough time into it, but the amount of time put it doesn't make the achievement worth it in my eyes. Especially since with Touhou achievements, I stop really caring about the achievements I do a day after. I just simply want more. I'll never be "satisfied".
Stuff like MoF LNN isn't really that difficult. Or at least, it's not something that should take a skilled played over 6 1MNBs and 4-5 VoWG failure attempts. A good player or someone supposedly at my level should be able to achieve it fairly quickly. However, that's not something I'm capable of. Because I can't perform well under pressure. That's my biggest flaw, and it's been very prevalent even from my earlier days. PCB LNNN, for example, took me way longer than what a player should have taken. I lost 5 runs to Yuyuko, if I recall, despite the fact that she's an easy NMNB especially if you're doing survival.
A few days ago in Science Class I was really struggling with being careful while pouring a potentially harmful chemical into a funnel. I kept spilling it on my hand and had to repetitively wash my hands over and over again because of my clumsiness. I realized at that moment that I just can't perform accurately under pressure. I'm sure I could NMNB Kanako in an LNN run if I wasn't nervous, but that just won't happen. Now you can say "Well everyone gets nervous", and to that I'll say "Well some people are capable of working despite their nerves". I know some people who can perform pretty well under pressure. Some have even told me that they don't have any attachment to their runs and don't get nervous often.
I could continue scoring, but even that's not going well. UFO is the same thing over and over again. I get to stage 4 on a rare occasion and just get nervous and screw everything up. Even if I make it to Byakuren I'll just game over. And I'm only going for 2.5bil... And I really don't feel like playing PCB because it's not really possible for me to become as good as I'd want to be. Especially when there are such good players like Yu-suke continually raising the bar. If you've seen any of my scoring streams, it's just resetting over and over again and not making progress. I'm not even scoring at high tier yet. Unless you consider PCB 3bil high tier... in which I haven't even been grinding PCB at all lately.
Despite the fact that I said I was never "satisfied", honestly, I'm reaching a point where I'm satisfied with how far I've gotten in Touhou. Back then I dreamed of becoming a "legendary superplayer" like Cactu, Chum, and everyone. I would get really competitive and take it serious. I would get crushed when I failed and jealous everytime someone else succeeded. but now I just don't really care. Honestly, I've put in thousands of hours into Touhou in these past 5 years I've been playing it. I've seen and done so many things. 1ccs, scoring, I've even gotten a few LNN/LNNNs. There's not much else for me to do.
Touhou just doesn't have enough merit. I feel like it won't really help me in the real world. Sure, it fulfills a human need called "entertainment". But I'm getting entertainment out of other hobbies. Such as playing RPGs and other games to pass the time. Making music. Programming. Etc.
This isn't really a "rant" since I'm not angry or disappointed. I'm not mad at myself for not being able to get all the achievements I wanted. I realize that I'm just not as good as some of the very best players and I may never get that far. I may still stream from time to time, but probably it will only be for the sake of streaming rather than actually getting the achievement. And I'll definitely still be a part of LunaticNeckBeards. I plan to play every week for them, if I can.
Besides. I'm going to be heading into university soon. I really don't have time to spend time on Touhou when I need to start really grinding programming so I can build myself a future. And perhaps I'll maybe stop feeling sorry for myself and calling the outside world scary. Maybe I'll become a normie lol.