Things have happened and things have changed. I don't know if it'll ever go back to how it was, or if I even want it to. When April 1st rolled around I was just expecting a little humor, maybe a little overreaction, then some gratitude and things back to normal. What instead I got was a view of how MotK really feels towards the idea of "community", how the users feel about the staff, and how users felt about eachother. What I saw broke me in ways you can hardly imagine.
I've poured my soul, my finances, my freetime, everything, into saving MotK from ruin and attempting to build it up as a community I could be proud of being in. I didn't take this position on for fame, or to feed a need to have power, or anything like that. I took the position because at the time the community was teetering on collapse and I had the resources to give back to something I loved. But in the end I feel I've failed as stewart and as head admin of this community.
I feel I failed as an admin to keep the two facets of this community, MotK the forums, and #shrinemaiden its IRC sister, together as one whole. Originally my home was IRC and I joined the community that way, and frankly I spent too much of my energy catering to them at first. I let the forums decay because frankly I felt I had no reason to care; all of the people I socialized with were on IRC. After seeing how far the forums fell I made a promise to not neglect the forums again, and attempt to rebridge the gap. To treat all of MotK as equal, not just the part I like interacting in. But April Fools proved I failed just as miserably.
At first I thought it was kind of funny how much you guys were overreacting. We sold ourselves well, maybe too well, but in the end we thought it was just a harmless tease with a good result in the end. What I personally didn't expect, was the amount of vitriol to surface. After a while it became more and more apparent this wasn't just posturing and off the cuff remarks, but sentiment that has been brewing for a while now. Sentiment I definitely feel I didn't deserve.
AF, you said horrible, vile, untrue things about me. Things I cannot easily forgive, and may never. I will fully admit I called for your head several times, but in the end I decided to let you go. I would be just as bad of a person as you are if I chose to abuse my position for personal vendetta.
As for the rest of the people who chose such awful words for me, I cannot describe how much you hurt me. I have done everything I could to not be this "power hungry tyrant" people seem to think I am. I spend most of my freetime working for this site, and in the end you guys. Hell even after I said I was gone I have secretly been working behind the scenes making sure things work. And yet I don't get anything as much as a thank you.
Now I will clarify myself. I don't do this for gratitude, but to get nothing but bitching and moaning and complaints over everything I do gets old. Even despite the brand new theme and months of work I spent working on the upgrade all I got was a "this was a terrible joke go kill yourself". When I offered to move #meido to PPIrC, I didn't do it because I wanted to control #meido. No, I did it because I spent a long time building a stable IRC home for MotK and providing all the bells and whistles. To be brushed off as "seizing power" hurt me immensely.
But above all, none of you had the decency to lay your grievances to me personally, instead choosing to whisper behind closed doors and behind my back. I do not demand, nor expect, respect because of my position, nor do I want it solely because of that. I do not want to be feared or worshipped, just treated with decency. If I have a problem with you I will bring it up with you privately, not whisper nasty things to other people.
You set me on a pedestal all alone with your actions. You act as if I am some scary untouchable person, someone who will smite you for looking at me funny. You know how alone that makes me feel? How isolated and detatched from the community I desperately want to be a part of? Noone even says hi to me unless I start the conversation, noone talks to me unless there's something broke. And to hear I make you "censor" yourselves when I am around, makes me feel awful. What's the point of working for the community when you just get shunned and separated in the end? =/
Kanako, UK, and others I put on my "hate list" (except UD and Mima, go fuck yourselves), I was just joking. I apologize for any grief I caused. I purposely intersparsed people I liked in the list to try to make it obvious it was a ploy. Nemoma, I know I've already apologized in private, but I'd like to repeat myself openly. As for everyone else, I admit I was a bit overzealous with the joke, and given the chance I'd probably not make it so believable.
But at the same time you guys need to lighten up immensely. I tried to make it absurd and obvious it was a joke, and to see so many people fall for it and then be angry about it afterwards made me really depressed. So what we had a little humor at your expense, was it really that awful to be without a forum for a day (and then to get back a shinier upgraded one)? Get off your high horse for a second and calm down. Maybe the joke was in poor taste, but the responses after it was revealed it was all a ruse were far worse.
Is that what you really see me capable of doing? You truely think I would ever do something like that? For what I do here I should be making a lot of money, but I don't do it for that. Nor do I do it for fame or ego or anything really beyond giving back. Realize I'm a human being, and a member of this community just like you. Ask yourselves these things next time before you fly off the handle and say things that are very hurtful =/
Tell me why should I remain (or not remain) your head admin. Here's your chance to really tell me if you want me to stay or go. If you don't want to openly voice your opinion, then feel free to PM it to me. But do not just cower in a corner and whisper behind my back because it is pointless and insulting.