This was a cruel joke.
I must have just misunderstood Byakuren and Vaisravana entirely. This was their misguided attempt at humour, another of these human quirks I hadn't learned yet. It was all just for fun - the spear would be made of rubber, it'd bounce off of Nazrin's chest, everyone would start laughing and life would be sunshine and rainbows.
I tried with all my heart to convince myself that was what was happening to me. But as I looked up into Vaisravana's unfeeling eyes, I could see no trace of humour.
I was aware of nightmares now, so maybe I was just dreaming. I'd snap awake in bed, Nazrin would hear me shuffling around, she'd check if I was okay and I'd bury my head in her chest and cry.
I pinched myself. Nothing happened.
"...This is a metaphor, right...? You don't actually want me to...?"
My voice barely made it across the hall. I didn't want to look back at Nazrin, but I could hear her struggling against Byakuren's grip to no avail.
"Your feelings for her have grown too strong to simply disregard. She has already played her part in bringing you here, and she is no longer needed. Her death is unfortunate, but necessary."
This wasn't my Vaisravana. These couldn't be the words of my god running through my ears with that omnipotent clarity of His. It was a fake, a false idol trying to trick me.
"...Shou. You have shown more promise and potential than any disciple has in centuries. Nazrin chose well when she brought you to me. I do not wish to see this natural talent wasted on your foolish love."
...Foolish? Was it really foolish to care for someone, to wish for their happiness? To put the hopes and dreams of another person ahead of your own? After Nazrin opened up to me, I had been so caught up in the euphoria I never considered the notion again.
But...if Vaisravana is saying it...
There were powers I had to answer to. If my god told me I was in the wrong, I was in the wrong. I was being weak in relying on another for my own happiness, and now He had had the good grace to grant me an opportunity to absolve my sins.
I should have been thankful to Him for the chance. Not shaking as my heart fought to a stalemate with my mind, my feelings for Nazrin clashing with the orders a divine being had given me.
My hand trembled as it reached down in front of me, grabbing at the spear's hilt. It was cold, solid steel, as ungarnished as it was deadly. I gripped it in both hands, pricking my finger slightly on the tip to ensure it was as sharp as it looked.
It was.
I squeezed my eyes shut. The last thing I wanted to do now was see Nazrin's face as I walked towards her with the weapon that would end her life. I stepped forward slowly till I could feel warm air brushing on my face. That only made it worse - I drew the image of her in my head, still fighting against Byakuren, her eyes silently begging for mercy as she cried. I couldn't bear it, and I reluctantly opened my eyes again.
Nazrin's face was as expressionless as it had been the day I met her. And that hurt more than any showing of fear ever could.
"...What are you waiting for? Do it."
Nazrin sounded frustrated as she spoke to me. Her eyes seemed to have taken on a darker shade of red, like a light inside of them had flickered out. She had stopped struggling the instant I picked up the spear. She had realised that I valued Vaisravana over her, and settled for second place. She had already discarded her feelings for me, so it was up to me to do the same to her.
Faith for one's god overwrote all else. That was justice.
I lifted the spear up, pointing its tip at Nazrin's chest. I needed to make it quick, painless, so I would stab her through the heart. I took one last deep breath, chanting to myself in my head.
I seek refuge in the Buddha - the example which all of us must follow.
A single, perfect, clean stab in the chest. Nazrin let off a few guttural, choking noises.
I seek refuge in the Dharma - the teachings which were left to us that show the path to enlightenment.
"Sh...ou..."
My name was the last thing to cross her lips before she passed on. Byakuren let go of her as she died, her body falling over and leaning on me. I could feel the still-warm blood seeping through her own clothes and on to mine.
I seek refuge in the Sangha - those who seek the same goal I do and uphold our teachings.
"Well done, Shou. With this, you have proven that your beliefs are true and your faith is absolute. You are hereby officially ordained as a disciple of Vaisravana."
The words from the god behind me boomed into my ears. There was no longer any feeling or pride or happiness as I heard them. Any emotions like that died along with Nazrin. I would become a tool of my deity, tending to his wishes and commands. Nothing more, nothing less.
I, Shou Toramaru, seek refuge in these three treasures.
After all, the only other thing I could seek refuge in was lying dead in my arms, wasn't she?
-----
Bad Ending #1: Survival of the Fittest
And now, I need to profusely apologise for stealing Ruro's Bad-End gimmick from White Rose. The temptation was too great, I'm sorry >_<
Anyway, let's just turn back the clock a little...
---
I lifted the spear up, pointing its tip at Nazrin's chest. I needed to make it quick, painless, so I would stab her through the heart. Maybe a few seconds of pain before she slumped into my arms and her blood would start to run all over my robes while her dead eyes stared into mine-
No! Stop thinking about it and just do it!
The spear was shaking in my hands, almost falling out of my grasp. I needed to calm down. Deep breaths. Focus. Concentrate. I would pretend I was just hammering a nail into a wall, like I always did when I cleaning up the temple with Nazri-
"Gah!"
Why did all of my thoughts always turn back to her? Had this one girl managed to become more important to me than the god I had promised to worship? She had managed to put her feelings aside, so why couldn't I!?
"...I said do it, Shou. Hurry up."
I could feel Vaisravana's gaze staring me down, almost a physical weight on my shoulders. The longer I spent doubting, the harder it would be to actually go through with this.
"Shou...please..."
Nazrin spoke again as my hesitation became increasingly obvious. I tried to look away, focus on the sullen look that Byakuren was wearing instead, but my eyes turned to her as if they were posessed.
...Please tell me I'm seeing things. Please don't let those be tears.
I had taken too long. Nazrin had tried her best to return to the emotionless girl that I hadn't cared for, but my own inability to kill her had caused her true colours to shine through again. The light returned to her eyes, and she started to squirm as she let the tears she'd been holding back come crashing down.
"...S...Shou, you idiot. Now look what you've done..."
By now she was back to flailing outright again, Byakuren's expression taking on yet another layer of guilt. My heart was on the verge of crumpling in on itself. Nazrin didn't want to die. She didn't want me to kill her. But then why would she try so hard to fake it? Why would she make such an effort to act like she didn't care?
I didn't want to accept the conclusion that came to me, but it was all that made sense.
She didn't want me to feel guilty for having to kill her. She was willing to give her own life for the sake of my happiness. Her love for me was so strong she would literally die for me.
I heard a moan coming from somewhere in the hall. It was the most pathetic sound I had ever heard, the sound that someone would only give off if they had lost all hope and conviction.
It took me a few seconds to realise it was coming from me.
---
"...Why do you hesitate?"
Vaisravana's voice almost knocked me to the floor. I felt like I was made of paper, ready to collapse at any given moment. The eyes of a god were looking down on me, demanding that I offer Nazrin as a sacrifice to Him.
And I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I just couldn't do it.
The spear dropped to the floor with a clatter. Now tears were running down my face as well. I looked thoroughly pathetic, and I knew it.
"S-Shou..."
Nazrin's voice almost cracked as she called out to me. She didn't want to see me cast out into the wild again, returned to being nothing more than a mere tiger. She didn't want Vaisravana to invoke His wrath on me and likely my former pack as well.
Every scripture I'd ever studied, every mantra I'd recited, every lecture I'd read, everything passed through my mind right now. Everything told me that Vaisravana spoke the truth - I was too attached to Nazrin, I needed her out of the picture to clear my mind.
And in the midst of that, a new thought jumped into my head. A thought that directly opposed everything I had been taught, everything that made me a disciple of Vaisravana. Everything that I had spent all this time working toward, what had been my life for these last few weeks.
It was these two thoughts that were tearing me apart. Logic and emotion were pitting themselves against one another, and my soul was their battlefield. The stalemate was tearing me apart. But as I looked into Nazrin's eyes one last time, there was a stunning feeling of clarity, and suddenly the two choices were reduced to one.
It consisted of two words.
"I refuse."
Nazrin's eyes widened in shock. Byakuren bit her lip. I wasn't aware of Vaisravana's expression, but at this point I had no interest in it.
"...What was that?"
He sounded incredulous, almost enawed. Was I honestly the first person he had met who questioned Him?
"I said, I refuse. I won't kill her."
Vaisravana's presence in the room grew stronger. The red aura of his robes began to seep into the walls, trailing down like blood.
"You have a lot of nerve, child. You would oppose the orders of a god? YOUR god?"
"When my god has good intentions, maybe I should do what he says. When he orders someone to take a life out of sheer jealousy? Not so much."
The confidence running through me was absurd. It shouldn't have been logically possible for me to debate with a deity with this much self-confidence. But love, it seemed, saw throwing logic out the window as a national sport.
"I'm not going to kill Nazrin just because you don't want me to care for her. You gave me the opportunity to experience real emotions, real feelings, and now you want me to cut away that part of myself? Sorry, but last I checked murder wasn't very good for your karma."
The aura along the walls dripped onto the floor, wrapping itself around the discarded spear. It picked itself up without a hand to hold it, flying upwards in a single motion until its tip stood inches from my face.
"I will not accept your insolence! I am Vaisravana! Ruler of the north! Protector of the just! You would oppose me!?"
Death was staring me in the eye, literally. I knew for a fact that He could lodge that spear through my head at any moment, and that would be the end of Shou Toramaru. And yet, even in my old life as a tiger, I had never once shown bravery like this in the face of my own demise. My foe's strength was clear, and I knew I had no chance, but there was no way I would take Nazrin's life willingly. She herself was caught between awe and fear, falling silent, and I nodded to her to calm her down.
"Nazrin did nothing wrong, so she deserves to live. And nothing - not you, not Byakuren, not the Buddha himself - is going to convince me otherwise!"
I turned on my feet, looking back at Vaisravana with determination flaring in my eyes. By now my emotions were beginning to overtake me, my voice rising to a shout.
"Divine justice will only get me so far! This is me standing for myself and what I believe in! What I see as worth fighting for! This is my absolute justice!"
Vaisravana seemed ready to step off the altar and beat me to a pulp himself. For a few short seconds, I braced myself to have a spear lodged into my skull.
Vaisravana uttered two small words.
"...Well done."
My heart skipped a beat.
"You have passed. Congratulations."
The red aura filling the room retracted, retreating back into Vaisravana. I heard the spear clatter back onto the floor again, smashing into a million pieces. His face lightened, and for the first time I could remember I saw Him smile.
"Had you attempted to kill her, I would have stopped you and you would have proven yourself to be nothing beyond the animal you were when you first came here. You would be a brute no matter how far you had been taught, clearly unfit for enlightenment."
He looked behind me, towards Nazrin, who was still too enawed by the entire sight to speak. I looked around to her, seeing tears fall from her eyes once again. This time, though, there was a smile of elation to go along with them, and seeing that made my own heart soar.
"But in showing your refusal to obey an order you do not agree with, even when doing so is in your best interest personally, you have proven that you now posess an emotion that is integral to the life of the believer. The scriptures call it karuna. You know it as compassion."
Pride and joy washed over me like a raging sea. I fell to my knees, tears welling up in my own eyes as well.
I...I did it. I really did it...!
"Byakuren, I apologise for forcing you to play your part in this."
Byakuren shook her head, looking at Vaisravana with that stern expression I so rarely saw from her.
"There is nothing to apologise for. Shou-chan proved herself, like I expected her to, so everything is fine, right?"
She let go of Nazrin at last, and the mouse's immediate response was to run up and wrap her arms around me.
"S-Shou...that was incredible. Y-You actually had the nerve to..."
She was still stunned by the whole ordeal, stuttering over her words. I patted her on the back as I returned the hug.
"Shh. Stop talking. Do you want to look bad in front of your boss?"
"A-Ah, good point. Got it."
We knew that both Vaisravana and Byakuren were looking down on us, but honestly neither of us cared. We were happy as we were.
"Nazrin...I know I ordered you to find a worthwhile youkai in the area, but...perhaps Shou needs to be overseen. Such talent must be guided, so I would like it if you could keep an eye on her for me."
Nazrin looked over to him, smiling like I'd never seen her smile before.
"Yes, sir! Count on me!"
He chuckled to himself, an emotion I had never seen Him show. Gods were as emotional as the rest of us, so in retrospect it was actually weirder that I had never seen Him acting cheerful.
"...Now, let it be known that Shou Toramaru is a fully ordained disciple of Vaisravana. I wish you the best of fortune in your own path to enlightenment."
Vaisravana offered me one last piece of encouragement as He made my ordination official. I looked over my shoulder to Him as His aura began to fade.
"Thank you for everything. I'll do you proud."
And if ever my strength wasn't enough to see me through, I knew for a fact there was someone who would be by my side through thick and thin.