Author Topic: Fate  (Read 4668 times)

DNAbc

  • mafia is suffering
  • but I don't exactly hate that
Fate
« on: May 29, 2012, 05:12:03 AM »
So yes, this is a crossover fic between Fate/Stay Night and TH, and there will be choices, so this will be more like a VN! So please be ready, as it might not make a complete story, but F/SN players, I will try to tell a coherent story within a route, so things might get out of route. For the sake of explaination.

I will be uploading this as often as possible, and if you are willing to be a proofreader, please PM me!!! Your help is much needed, in order for me to publish stuff faster and improve the general quality of stuff. :/

Currently working on the First Chapter.
----Prologue-----

Gesokyo is on the brink of destruction.

It?s all the cause of one single dutiful guardian of peace.

Over the years, she has worked hard to stop every incident to be caused by youkai that endangers the magical land, she has never lost once, and has dealt with a lot of ridiculous crimes such as Thievery of a Celestial Body or Obstructing the Sun Indefinitely, whatever they did, she simply goes and beat them up half to death beat the crap outta them  forcefully convince them of their mistakes using her own make-up law, enforced by the Holy Omnipotent Being That Is Forever Sleeping Silently Watching.
 
However, she made one mistake, she was too prideful in her abilities .

Yes, she never lost against those of her realm, as she was the STRONGEST there, meaning those who oppose the suspiciously vague but overall fair law will have no choice but to fail.

At least that's how things are supposed to be in non-lethal combat in Gensokyo, you win, you get away with whatever you are trying to do without consequences and nobody is going to stop you. Since there's no possibility of it happening, oh, of course someone has bested her before, but there are her fellow witch, Marisa Kirisame, who fights as good as, if not better, than her. But Reimu fails so rarely Marisa's chances to shine are scarce.

Sadly, when the humanoid aliens invaded, the talent and skill of a mere human couldn't match the alien's. She lost and, as a result, allowed the aliens who have superior scientific and magic development to do whatever they want there, and the innocent guardian who gave the Lunarians their privileges has her throat slitted immediately upon the contract is signed.

The Lunarians, armed with the Rites written by the only police (Who was still believed to be alive at that time) in the realm, began their conquest for land in this inferior world, but inferior they are, there were some notable beings, and this ended up in a huge tragedy for both sides.

The story all began about thousands of years ago.
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.
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The Lunar Capital is a huge mess.

Long before humanity existed, two people attempted the revolutionizing process of artificially remodelling a dead planet to become habitable, and the project was a huge sucess, while the God responsible for it attained huge amounts of faith required to maintain its exsistence as its reward, the smart female individual who assisted the God was granted the gifts of Immortality and a God's Mind, which allowed her to make use of even a blade of grass to help prolong the life of this artificially-created paradise. In short, she has become the God's slave.

The lucky beings of the Paradise, however, were self-inflated and selfish, as they were corrupted in the believe that they are 'superior' to everything, and even claimed themselves to be 'pure beings' as their birth is caused directly by a God, much as the slave of God tries to subconsciously deny the fact that her own hard work is devoted to a bunch of lucky bastards who view others as pure crap, the temptation of a society with a concept of 'living to enjoy life' tempted even the heart of coldblooded Eirin to leave her hopeless children.

Things started going downhill from there.

The Lunarians never age, in a sense that they will never die naturally, due to being clear of 'impurities', so they will not even get sick or such, thus they eventually faced one minor problem.

Overpopulation

As they never age, and have unrealistically high morale standards in all conditions, the straight solution to their situation is to 'construct more land!', of course they have never considered reducing their amount of rabbit servants nor making their houses smaller, as they aren't even satisfied with what they have now, simply put, due to being 'perfect', they do not have emotion, desires and such, they just do things forever to seek a meaning in their life yet it is impossible, and is almost ironic, how people desire to be these 'perfect' aliens who brags publicly about how bad it is.

Anyway, the Lunarians, armed with ancient magics crafted by the God and futuristic techology constructed by It's Servant, they've quickly removed the mantle of the planet, remodelling the insides to become habitable and erected buildings all over (or under) the Moon, when all of their problems seem to be solved, they have realized how dead wrong of them were to not think this through: The crust protects a planet, the mantle is the overflowing network of magical energy that the core occasionally spills out, and the core is where all mana is stored. Small impacts on the crusts or the mantle will be recovered gradually, similar to healing of your skin, but once you've damaged the heart or ripped away the blood vessels, there is no return.

Worst off, the population still grows, the magical energy died, which means all magic-reliant products, which were over 50% in the market at that time, became useless, they have accidentally destroyed their source of life and are now forced to use primitive solar energy and wind energy, and, needless to say, were not happy about this. The Watatsuki Sisters, who were the leader of that time, barely survived the demonstrations, which deserved thanks to their previous mentor's providing help in the form of letters.
But if Eirin knew about that the Watatsukis are planning to publicly invade Earth for land and magic, she would be so angry that she would kill them, since there is a bothersome rule in the Moon which prohibits killing of people, even if they are impure.

"The fact that we Lunarians are developing human traits (Waffle to those who got it) means their influence is too great to be spared!!! We shall remove the barbarians for our pure beings who deserve to stay!!!"

And thus, the first Lunar Expedition began, and it was a huge sucess, with humans completely neutralized and replaced with rabbits and Lunarians, however, what they didn't know was the mana of Earth died out a long time ago, a few decades after their 'Industrial Revolution', (which is the Stone Age of Lunarians, in human terms) all they've found is a ball of rock after using so much energy to clean up the humans and their constructs, and it's not even a permanent solution to their problem.

Dedicated researchers in the Moon pointed out that Gensokyo, the phantasm wonderland is the key, since it's composed of pure magical energy and is basically a self-sustaining magical field, it can be technically expanded infinitely with enough mana. However, problem is that the Lunarians do not wish to ask the unrefined and impure natives for permission, as their exsistence itself is a blessing by them. After negotiations failed, the Lunarians decided that they will have to use force, Toyohime and Yorihime tried explaining things to Eirin, but she refused to help, and deciding the best way to remain neutral is to cover Eientei with the spell previously used to contain Earth, and left her students alone. After what Lunarians refer as Panic Years, what happens with the Moon doesn't quite concern her now, and she can now reply to the desperate pleading letters which came in daily without flinching the slightest bit, but she've had enough, killing is crossing the line, but as the Moon is not going to kill anyone who is technically alive in Gensokyo, she will simply do her best to stay out of conflict, for the sake of her mistress and the residents of Eientei. But would that really help?

....

Left with no help, Yorihime solved things with her speciality: Force, she dueled for allowance to do anything with the 'police office'  here: Reimu Hakurei, soon after beating her, Yorihime required Reimu to sign a contract, and Reimu, left with no choice, had to do so. She was however betrayed by her own honesty as she immediately had her throat slitted. Reason? They are allowed to do anything they want, and leaving her means informing the residents of their takeover. And she's just a low-being who used tricks to summon Gods, they are executing her in the name of the Gids she summoned.
...

With the contract of power and promises of faith, the Lunarians managed to trick the Moriya Shrine into becoming their ally with Reimu's death hidden, and so the Lunarians obtained the best leyline for mana collecting, scouting, and a hostage consisted of three gods respected by the locales of the mountains, uneeded to say, the aforementioned locales were paralyzed and storaged as a steady flow of magical energy for their army to fight. Except for the fastest one who escaped, she had daringly taken pictures of the Lunarians secret takeover and managed to get the information into the hands of whom is considered the second-best when it comes to fighting.
 
The magus, sadly, failed against them.

However, no matter how many impure beings with power died, they will never be worth as much as one single animal descended from the pure land, as the Lunarians believed this incident was completely shameful, like how you are bitten by an ant you want to squash, so in respond to the barbarians unreasonable behavior, the pure ones decided to give a divine lecture.

They wanted to nuke Gensokyo.

The Lunarian Tatical Atomizer possess the ability to spilt molecules by the use of atoms, this, uneeded to say, completely destroys anything that has a form, but as the huge amount of magical energy needed to fuel it and for it to cover the whole realm, it is rarely used, and not without much lingering consequences.
Fortunately, they have just the heap of concentrated mana at this very mountain.
The decision by the General, who happened to be Toyohime, the purest and smartest being currently on the Moon, was this.

"Give them a whiff of gunshot. Destroy their symbol of power, Hakurei Shrine, and..." Toyohime draws a large imaginary circle around the shrine. "The Human Village. We merely needs Yukari and the Border to be kept inact, there's no need for linking with the impure outside world for this place.''

And so they purified as Toyohime planned, the bare layer of rock remained is the symbol of power of the Lunarians, and by this time, there is nothing anyone can do to them now. They control the best techology and obtained the largest immediate magical energy deposit and leyline.

Except for one person.

Yukari, who possess the ability to alter conceptual barriers, and when this is correctly used, things are done in a whim, there is nothing bad coming from it, as magical energy consumed by using borders can also be replenished by use of other borders...But the point is, through a lot of work, Yukari erased the Lunarians from existence, and completely remade the Earth when it was destroyed, from the movement of plates to daily life of every human, she did it all, and thus civilization is saved.

However, this had not turned out well.

Yukari's abuse of her power wasn't a true reversal of time, even Sakuya who had the ability to completely manipulate couldn't truly do it, as true time reversal will cause a paradox,  so Yukari just restored specific things to a certain point of time, and made up her own one from scratch, not to mention it has to fit the results in the future, it was said that Ran Yakumo stood guard for 8 days when Yukari worked on Earth Restoration.

She did a perfect job, one suited of her age and power, but the problem is that due to overexertion of herself and the Hakurei Barrier, the newly fixed Gensokyo was destined to cease to exist along with the phantasm wonderland as a result of insufficient mana. However, she had stopped the disaster from happening.

Yukari has moved every single citizen who is not born completely from mana and requires the exsistence of Gensokyo to live to the Outside World, where they were each given a new identity and home, this is, of course, trival work compared to her past feats, after Yukari has done so, she forcibly drawn all the mana out of her in order to maintain Gensokyo in its current, frozen form while connecting it with the core of the outside world to drain mana to mainly Gensokyo, in a nutshell, she froze Gensokyo in the timeline and Yukari herself doesn't have a body anymore, but is more like a 'concious bunch of mana' guarding the ex-wonderland.

Many planets have died and reborned since then, and Yukari always found some planet with magical energy in the solar system.

One day, mysteriously, Yukari?s connection with the Earth weakened and people there accidentally discovered the power enough and fabricated to bend reality which is also easily contained, and professionals in the aspect called it the Holy Grail.

-----------------------------------
Um, so yeah, I kind of did it on a whim, but I hope it was a good read (although it isn't), I would like to ask for someone to proofread my stories btw, but I have close to no idea who would be available, so provide some help on that for me, please! >_>

Oh, all your opinions are welcomed, I need opinions to improve, and I am willing to, please offer your help!
« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 04:57:22 PM by Darkninjaabc »
>Link to my Steam Account: Add me! http://steamcommunity.com/id/9898981-02
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OkashiiKisei

  • Still working on the Grimoire
  • It's all about devotion
Re: Fate
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2012, 08:43:26 AM »
There is plant life and (natural) water in the Lunar Capital, iirc.

Personally I find it rather far-fetched the Lunarians couldn't think of a better solution, considering their magical and scientific expertise. Also, seeing what a 'pleasant' bunch the Lunarians are, I wouldn't be surprised if they just eliminated a large percentage of the moon rabbit population to conserve themselves.

It still sounds like a descent premise for a grimdark story, but that's where it falls flat: it's a premise. You made a basic outline of what transpired, giving rather little impact of the tragedy that occured. It'd at least be nice if you described how Gensokyo faired during the confrontation. You only mentioned Marisa, and how Reimu failed to protect Gensokyo, before you nuke 'em. That's rather anti-climatic. It would have been satisfying to see the resident of Gensokyo at least going down in one epic last stand against the Lunarian forces, giving all they got.

The ending was rather vague as well, almost Gainax-y. How much better would it have been to space/time freeze Gensokyo and its inhabitants than to let it peacefully cease to exist? Unless I misunderstood things, it sounds like all the inhabitants are stuck in an eternally petrified state. Doesn't sound much like a pleasant fate. And how could the same cycle repeat anyway if Gensokyo was pulled out of reality?

Finally, what was the whole point of the Holy Grail? What was it capable of with the bit of power tapped from Gensokyo? The grammar was rather poor in the last sentence, so that's where most of my confusion comes from.

I'd suggest to re-read your fic after you've finished, to remove any remaining typos and grammar mistakes. You can go to the irc channel #scarlet-library on irc.synirc.net if you want someone to proof-read your work. There's lots of people who'd gladly do it.

I hope this will help you. My apologies if I came across as harsh. If you keep practicing and research the writing styles of other works you'll get better for sure.

DNAbc

  • mafia is suffering
  • but I don't exactly hate that
Re: Fate
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2012, 08:55:56 AM »
I am deeply sorry for being vague, this is a crossover fic of a Visual Novel, which is called Fate/stay Night, and I kind of made this after being inspired by the ZnT crossover in the same thread, and these stuff are merely prologue thingys!!!! There will be more!!!

Still, it would be nice to elaborate on the details of the prologue, and I am frantically writing up the chapter 1 right now!!! Those comments are really inspiring, and no, you were not harsh at all, as we all need critism to improve, I hope you will stick by and keep watching!!! Thanks a bunch for your time.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 09:02:33 AM by Darkninjaabc »
>Link to my Steam Account: Add me! http://steamcommunity.com/id/9898981-02
--------------------------------------

Re: Fate
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2012, 10:28:00 AM »
There's a few things about this that are bugging me, but rather than go into the stylistic aspects of the language or some of the world building concerns, let me address one main point.

That's quite the infodump there, and I think it's working against you.  You've told me what has happened; you haven't shown it to me through a character's eyes.  The latter is preferable, because it imparts action and emotion to something that would otherwise read cold.  Is it necessary to give the reader this all at once up front, or could this be revealed in what follows this snippet?

OkashiiKisei

  • Still working on the Grimoire
  • It's all about devotion
Re: Fate
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2012, 02:43:29 PM »
I am deeply sorry for being vague, this is a crossover fic of a Visual Novel, which is called Fate/stay Night, and I kind of made this after being inspired by the ZnT crossover in the same thread, and these stuff are merely prologue thingys!!!! There will be more!!!

Still, it would be nice to elaborate on the details of the prologue, and I am frantically writing up the chapter 1 right now!!! Those comments are really inspiring, and no, you were not harsh at all, as we all need critism to improve, I hope you will stick by and keep watching!!! Thanks a bunch for your time.

Ah, now I see. Now I understand the 'Fate' title. I suggest putting a notice at the top of the prologue that this is a Touhou - Fate/Stay Night cross-over, to put the readers on the right track and let them know what to expect. With the lack of knowledge that it's supposed to be a cross-over, the prologue can be rather confusing for new readers, as evidenced by my reaction to it. Knowing that this is a prologue and not a stand-alone fic also makes some of the stylistic choices understandable.

There's a few things about this that are bugging me, but rather than go into the stylistic aspects of the language or some of the world building concerns, let me address one main point.

That's quite the infodump there, and I think it's working against you.  You've told me what has happened; you haven't shown it to me through a character's eyes.  The latter is preferable, because it imparts action and emotion to something that would otherwise read cold.  Is it necessary to give the reader this all at once up front, or could this be revealed in what follows this snippet?

Also very good points.