Considering I am on a network with a gigabit ethernet and capable computers, the 28.7GB of backups I had only took approximately 50 minutes to backup and copy back hen I was done formatting.
And believe me, if it the obvious and most easy solution to the problem (what you're suggesting here) actually worked, I wouldn't have went through all of this trouble. However, clicking on the check for "East Asian Language Support" in the Regional settings did NOT work.
Setting up a Japanese character IME would NOT work.
Downloading an independent archive of the i386 files for East Asian Language support did NOT work.
NO ONE I have EVER asked (Forums, chat rooms via IRC, Windows "tech support") has been able to fix or solve this issue. So please do not be condescending in your comments about it, Mr. Touhou Fan.
Considering I am OCD and format my computer every 9-12 months anyway, it wasn't exactly a large step for me to format earlier than usual.