1. Suika
2. Satori
3. Sanae
4. Keine
5. Mokou
6. Orin
7. Cirno
8. Tewi
9. Yukari
10. Kokoro
Future: After getting fired from your job for photocopying your butt and faxing it to the CEO one too many times, you go down to the local watering hole to drown your sorrows. After about 6 or 7 too many screwdrivers that may or may not have been watered down with turpentine, you make a vain attempt to make for the bathroom before you unlunch yourself. Stumbling into the bathroom, you throw your hand onto a stranger's shoulder to crutch yourself. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and you witness a child's birth, him aging to the point of middle school where he confesses to his first crush, his graduation from college, his first attempt to skinny-dip into Lake Ontario on a February morning, and his attempt to kiss his wife that wound up with him locking lips with a car battery. This man's face matches the one who's shoulder you grabbed as you somehow managing to make out some very vague details amongst your blurry drunk-o-vision. But the vision doesn't stop there. This man walks out of a bathroom only to be struck by a vehicle. The discovery hits you like a week-long hangover: You possess the power to see into a person's past and future by touching them when extraordinarily inebriated. After ruining the man's footwear with what was left from your Easy-Mac microwaveable macaroni and cheese lunch, you leer at him for a brief period. "Egg salad sandwich!" you exclaim. Disgusted with your actions, he runs out of the bar and into the street where he is struck by a truck carrying chickens, celery, and mayonnaise. The truck then veers into a bakery selling bread and explodes upon collision. The vision became real despite your extraordinarily poor warning.
Vowing to try to use your gift to help people, you continue to try again. The ability you possess fills you with an immense amount of curiosity and a desire to change their future. However, because you need more Jack Daniels in your system than, well, Jack Daniels, you really only go about the streets in a perpetually drunken stupor touching complete strangers inappropriately before shouting at them. No one seems to be heeding your warnings, though screaming at a bunch of twentysomethings that they'll all DIIEEE of NATURALL CAUUSSSESS when surrounded by LOOOOVED ONES at a RIPE OLD AAAAAGE really doesn't get you much of anywhere. You do successfully warn an Alaskan resident not to go outside to pee on the coldest day the place has seen in 35 years. You also prevent Annie from hooking up with that asshole Mark. Ultimately, however, your successes never catch up to your failures, and you ultimately retire from the fortune telling schtick. You go to drown your sorrows with enough bottles of beer to make up an extraordinarily annoying song. After praying to the porcelain gods, you wash your face, only to have a vision of yourself getting pelted in the head with a can of pineapples for wearing a Hawaiian shirt in Moscow. You immediately return to active duty.
Death: Liver failure at
58. Your liver is almost solely comprised of alcohol at the time of death that it's actually a flammability risk. The lady performing your autopsy notes the alcohol content of your liver. She takes part of it home and puts it to good use by using it to strip the old paint off of her old worn window frames.
Last Words: "Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!"
Number: 8/10
Color: You know that way things look when you close your eyes real tight and rub them for a long time? You wind up with that weird psychedelic pattern and colors, right? That.
Now take yer two-bit copy-paste abilities and get outta my office! I'll sue!
- Shinki
- Sariel
- Marisa
- Alice
- Sakuya
- Eirin
- Byakuren
- Ran
- Meiling
- Keine
Future: At last, your copy of Allianceleague of Herodungeonmasters XVIII Ultraspecial Maniacollector's Edition has arrived! After a boatload of min/maxing, you finally create a battlemage with feats, skills, abilities, stats, histories, and talents that provide boosts to exotic weapons, magic, and animal husbandry. You are Iliana fon Angelisti-(fuckin' character limit!), and you begin your quest with the titles Master Magician, Keeper of All Time, Creator of Realms, Saint Beyond the Veil of Existence, Saver of Humens, and Part-Time Ventriloquist. Despite your titles, you are a mere child whose mother wakes you up one morning and sends you to the King of Town. You find that you can only walk directly north, south, east, and west, and must input a special command in order to be able to ascend a frikkin' flight of stairs. You greet the king, who blurts out several paragraphs of exposition about world decay and an evil invasion that got out of hand DECADES ago without him raising so much as an infantryman against it. Or any other king for that matter. Anyhow, evil overlords need a whuppin', and the king sends you out to your certain doom to save the world from all evil with only the clothes on your back, a pointed stick, and 10G to your name. He's also too lazy to spare the taxi cab fair to reach the next town. You go out into the world and pass out from the severity of the wounds you acquire from direwolves, slimes, and madponies, only to wake the next morning in an inn, perfectly healed from injuries that should have a 6 month recovery time. But you're still hungry. The one who saved you was a healer who made the magic healing sheets found at every inn the world over. She's also your first party member.
Slowly, you garner your party: A legendary healer, a sealed saint, a loyal retainer, a kung-fu master, and your high school guidance counselor. You travel to many towns with poorly thought out layouts. You visit stores with exorbitantly priced weapons and armor (which are all of a slightly higher quality than the last place you visited) despite being in desperate need to fight the forces of darkness. You frequently steal useless items you find in their dresser drawers that have no business being in there in the first place. Satisfied with your petty theft as recompense for being overcharged at the local stores and throwing yourself into a dozen life-threatening quests for the sake of the locals, you continue on your way until you are ready for the final confrontation with evil.
Despite the small fortune the Ultimate Evil must pay in property taxes each year, he's got a huge place. After spending more than 2 hours wandering about the place and solving 3 puzzles that help access the Ultimate Evil's throne room, treasure room, and kitchenette, you reach the roof where he just happens to be hiding out. He lectures you and your friends for a full 10 minutes. Once finished, all of your friends have a hopeful and uplifting counterpoint to make. Your own involves you nodding and gesturing a lot, but you don't actually speak. Everyone seems to know what the hell you're 'talking' about anyway. After that's finished, you start to fight on the roof of the grand palace. He's formidable, but not nearly as formidable as he would be if he didn't leave his friends to guard isolated corners of his palace, granting you the opportunity to fight them one-by-one instead of all at the same time. After a minor amount of difficulty, he lets out a cry. He then grows an angel wing, some tentacles, a giant sword 3 times the size of him, some horns, an eclectic selection of mythological beasts, and the entire London Philharmonic Choir, which is a good thing because the orchestra showed up as well and decided to practice while you all were going to decide the fate of the universe. After destroying the mythical beasts, you come face to faces with the true form of the Ultimate Evil. Desperate, he unleashes his ultimte attack. You pause during the 3 minute and 37 second attack animation to check a walkthrough online only to find out that it only damages you for a certain percentage of your current HP and inflicts status effects that you've long since gained immunity to. You soon steamroll the Ultimate Evil's stupid face.
You return home, lauded as heroes. The King of Town gives you his thanks and nothing else despite how many times you dragged yourself back to town with lacerations, blunt force trauma, and pancreatic cancer. In the end, you save a total of 204 NPCs from destruction. The party splits up and everyone says they'll keep in touch somehow but you're not really interested in your boring old guidance counselor anyhow, especially since she was only in your party during required story segments. You then get a brief cutscene with the person you spent romancing through 8 hours worth of sidequests. They walk over to you and peck you on the cheek. THE END.
Death: 90 hours of gameplay. Thank goodness you milked those sidequests for all they were worth.
Last Words: You're a silent protagonist! You don't need words to make friends or even save kingdoms!
Numbers: 1, 2, and 3, by which I mean 1, 4, and 6.
Color: Whether hero or heroine, the leader of the team always wears red.
