Hah...hah hah.
After another night of kicking and screaming at Miko, only one run ever got past her sixth spell card. That was a miserable failure, that's just to show how hopeless the night felt. But I got an inkling when I was cooling down afterwards about that hateful card: I noticed that it felt like whenever I was pushed to the left by the lasers, it would troll me by doing it two more times, every time.
...
Turns out, it doesn't seem that way; it IS that way. Not only that, but the lasers are semi-predictable. Wherever the lasers appear, on the first wave they will fire the next wave in the same formation, but shifted slightly to the left. The next wave, wherever they are fired will see the formation stay for three blasts, only angled slightly to the right. This alternates. In other words: I now know when lasers are coming at me and what to do to avoid them.
In practice, this helps surprisingly little. After all, the actual formation and initial angle is random, and you can still be screwed over by being squished in between two small waves. The amulets are still the main difficulty, and nothing will change that. But...I've cracked it. I'm one more step closer to that perfect. Ha ha ha...AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAA.
