Ohno Sakuya and Koakuma Have Switched Bodies!!!

~Hakurei Shrine~ > Kosuzu's Grand Bookstore

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Hello Purvis:
(Blue, you are a champ. Thank you very much!)

Patchouli stalked through the halls of the first floor, giving more impassively disapproving glares than she could easily keep track of. Pedestals bearing busts of great philosophers, once-lining the halls proudly, had been tipped over. A chandelier had fallen. She had stepped over several unconscious maids; and one pretending to be unconscious by laying on the floor and repeating "I'm knocked out!" Not to mention the variety of cleaning gear that littered the floors now. It was almost enough to make one wonder if such a fortunate accident was even worth it!

Patchouli had reluctantly become accustomed to the idea that she would need to fix this problem before she could adequately study it. At first, a simple appeal to Remilia ought to have been enough, but Koakuma had to be her usual self. Alas. This would be remembered when it came time to review Koakuma's familiar contract, which would be coming sooner than previously anticipated. For the time being, Patchouli simply tried to avoid the chaos. The chaos, thankfully, had yet to be worse than a couple of talkative faerie maids carrying off plotted plants for heaven knows what purpose.

Up ahead at the end of this hall laid the kitchen. The doors hung wide open; and two faerie maids stood outside of it. Both of their uniforms were damaged, torn in various places. Here and there, steak knives had been attached to their outfits, as if in a crude attempt to make spikes on their shoulders and forearms. Instead, the knives just hung limply; Patchouli noted one seemed to have fallen to the floor. One of the maids, nearly four feet tall with long red pigtails, carried a broom in both hands. The other, about three and a half feet tall with bushy blonde hair, carried what looked like a pool cue. Beyond them, Patchouli noted some other maids scurrying about in the kitchen, and heard quite a lot of activity. "Hey, you!" one of the faeries called out; both of them turned to face Patchouli. "What're you doing?"

"I'm going to the kitchen," Patchouli said.

"There is no kitchen!" the other faerie said, smacking the bottom of her pool cue on the floor. "You're in Barter Town now!"

Patchouli fixed her most impassive of glares upon the faerie. "What."

"The world's ended, but we're gonna keep on going," said the other faerie, grinning. "Even if nature and heaven decree otherwise, we'll keep the Scarlet name in our hearts even in this lawless waste! And when the survivors want to trade, they'll come here!"

"To Barter Town!" the other faerie cried, thumping her pool cue on the ground again.

It took restraint not to say "What" again. Instead, Patchouli said, "I don't have time for this, let me inside."

"Are you here to barter?" said the broom carrying faerie.

"This is Barter Town, so you have to!" the other said.

"Yes, fine, whatever," said Patchouli. It was sometimes lamentable that mansion rules forbade simply zapping unruly maids these days. But Sakuya had insisted, and it seemed that Remilia felt the need to offer her dog a treat every so often.

"Then welcome! We have everything you'll need to survive the wastelands!" said the broom-carrying faerie.

The faerie with the pool cue leaned forward and, with a stage whisper, said, "Barter Town."

Patchouli walked past without a word, hoping that pool cue faerie would stop speaking. Her hopes were in vain, but at least she no longer had to watch it as well. Inside the kitchen, the noise redoubled. Faeries chattered, pans banged together, footsteps, and other racket that Patchouli did not care to identify filled the air. Floor-level cabinets under the counters had been thrown open and emptied, crude awnings made of towels were set up over them to make something akin to stalls. Beneath the towel awnings sat smaller faeries; taller ones reclined on their bellies; surrounded by kitchen gear, food taken from the pantry, and small items nabbed from other parts of the mansion. She noted a few of the missing busts placed in one cabinet, with maid caps draped over them. The oven hung open, a fire crackling merrily inside while faeries gathered around it, toasting pieces of bread, marshmallows, squares of tofu and other things in it with stolen kitchen implements. The range was active as well, with every spot on it taken up by tea kettles. The fire place was empty, all the wood had been stolen, as was the spit that ran along the top. Near the fireplace laid a large soup tureen, turned on its side and made into another stand. Many faeries were gathered and socializing near a serving cart. Every drawer had been emptied, and most were missing. Patchouli imagined that they were probably circulating among the wares. The door to the pantry hung open; faeries seemed to be coming and going from it at will. The walls were covered with fresh and colorful graffiti, largely stick figures and various faces. Here and there Patchouli picked out words and phrases, such as "Crocus Leaf was heer", "Four4ever Scarlets" and "I want fish for lunch".

The maids themselves were a sight. Many were loaded down with forks and spoons dangling from pockets and tied to crude bandoliers. Many of them had exchanged their caps for pots, pans, lids, candle hoods, and other pilfered items. Their uniforms were often damaged, Patchouli was unable to tell if much of that was due to brawling or self-inflicted damage. To make up for this, many of them had tied rags over the damaged spots; other seem to have done this to be fashionable. A few were wearing cloth pilfered from other sections of the mansion, in loud and clashing colors.

Patchouli dearly hoped to be in attendance when Sakuya found all this. At a safe distance.

First things first. Patchouli strolled along the cabinet marketplace, glancing at the wares. Knives would be around here somewhere. The faeries didn't seem to be too concerned with the magician walking among them, Patchouli was uncertain whether she was happier not being bothered or irritated that they didn't seem to think she was worth being afraid of. She put it from her mind, moving from stall to stall. It was clear that the faeries hadn't gotten to the point of specialized shops. Everything was a mishmash of whatever the faerie there could grab. On the better side, most of them seem to be too busy chattering with their neighbors to bother her. Nor were they attentive enough to notice when she would help herself to a sharp knife near the edge of the store space.

With three knives in hand after seven or so cabinet stalls, Patchouli moved on to the next block of counters. She knelt down to check the eighth, then paused. Like the others, this one contained a pile of bric-a-brac; most noticeably a couple of cheese graters. Unlike the rest, rather than a faerie, this stall was home to a solitary crow, perched atop one of the cheese graters. It stared at Patchouli, cocking its head, while the magician regarded it wordlessly. She pondered how a crow had gotten in here: were the tengu reporters getting more aggressive these days? She hoped not. The crow gave a caw, which answered nothing. Patchouli glanced over to the next cabinet, where a smaller faerie wearing a crude red cloak was holding hands with her neighbor on the opposite side and aggressively snuggled against her. It took a small measure of restraint not to toss a globe of water at the sickeningly cute couple, and instead asked, "You there, where did this crow come from?"

"I dunno," said the small faerie, looking over toward Patchouli without letting up on her prior snuggling.

"Oh oh! She came in when the window opened!" the snuggled-upon maid added. "Now she's watching the store while Peach Root goes and...uh...goes and....um..."

"It doesn't matter," said Patchouli, having decided she didn't need to wait the full minute for the faerie to lose interest in trying to remember. Regardless., a crow in the mansion was Sakuya's problem. Instead, the magician helped herself to a sizable butcher knife stuck between a mixing bowl and an overturned vase.

"Oh!" cries the neighboring faerie, finally sitting up from her companion. "Thief! Thief! Thief thief thief!"

Patchouli groaned as other faeries around her took up the cry. Chants of "Thief!" filled the air, and fingers began pointing at her. The crow squawked and took to the air, bursting past the magician and flying toward the opposite side of the room. She stood up; the shouts intensified. Placing the pilfered knife in a pocket with the rest, she began to run her fingers along the spell cards placed inside. There was no mistaking what was coming, just a question of how to handle it. Perhaps Silent Selene would handle them quickly?

The chants of thief intensified, but none of the faeries seemed to be moving to do anything about it. In fact, only one faerie was moving: a faerie barely more than two feet tall with dragonfly wings, wrapped in a number of clashing and colorful handkerchiefs, who was diligently flying to the fireplace mantle. "Well well!" she cried. Eyes turned toward her, and she spread her arms wide. "Looks like we have us a thief!" the little faerie cried. "And you know what Cream Flower says we do with thieves?!"

Noticing the faeries were no longer watching her, Patchouli turned toward the door and began to walk.

"No!" roared the gathered faeries.

"Well I told you a bunch of times before!" the small maid, presumably Cream Flower. shouted back. "We give 'em the Ultra-Crasher!"

"Oh!" cried a good portion of the gathered faeries. Others began to to chant "Crasher!" over and over again.

"Fly, Ultra-Crasher!" Cream Flower shrieked. "Smush up that thief good!" Then she howled with laughter. A clattering noise caught Patchouli's attention over the crowd's chanting and Cream Flower's cackling. Looking over, Patchouli quickly noted movement from the open pantry door, as a bellow sounded from within. A moment later, a serving cart burst from the pantry, covered in gleaming silver trays clumsily affixed to it by towels. Several broom handles had been tied to the top and the sides, leveled ahead like spears. A white tablecloth spilled over the front of the cart, emblazoned with an angrily frowning face drawn in what Patchouli assumed was red lipstick. Pushing the cart was a faerie maid, nearly four and a half feet, bellowing like a madwoman. As the cart clattered past the fireplace, Cream Flower added her bellow to the the cart pusher's as she leaped from the mantle and landed on top of the cart in a crouch. Both faeries screaming, the cart barreled toward Patchouli!

She stepped through the kitchen doors moments before the cart slammed into the walls adjacent to them. The two guards didn't seem to think it was necessary to stop her; given how they were gaping through the doors, Patchouli wondered if they had even noticed her. She had to admit, though, that Cream Flower's leap was impressive. She wondered if Sakuya knew the faeries had been doing that behind her back? Well, that didn't matter. As she strode away, she heard Cream Flower shout, "Ha! Smushed her good!", followed by loud cheering. Patchouli paid it no mind. She had no intention of looking back at all, until the sound of wings caught her ear. Before she had time to turn, a feathery black shape zoomed around and past her. It flew down the hall some yards, before settling down on an overturned vase. Patchouli regarded it for a moment, and noted a tiny figure clad in red sitting astride the crow's shoulders. For a moment, she wondered if she were imagining things, until the tiny figured waved at her.

"Hey! Hey you!" the little person shouted, her voice barely comprehensible. "I wanna talk.

Curious, Patchouli approached the crow and its rider. "What are you?" she said, trying to keep her voice low. "A sprite of some kind?"

"No, I'm a kobito!" the little person replied.

Now that Patchouli was closer, she could see the diminutive person was wearing a pinkish kimono, and a black fingerbowl as a hat, just obscuring her short hair. The magician frowned. "Is that like a grig?"

"I said I'm a kobito!" said the tiny rider.

"Are those related to atomies?" Patchouli said, as she knelt by the crow and rider, now close enough to notice she was getting a sour look from the latter.

"Those aren't even a thing!"

"Yes they are," said Patchouli. "They're a form of western-"

"That's not why I'm here," the kobito said. "And you should give your name, then ask for the other's when making introductions!"

"Fine, fine," says Patchouli. "I'm Patchouli. Who are you and how did you get in here?"

"I'm Shinmyoumaru," says the kobito, "And I came in through the window. Mere curtains cannot stop a mighty steed such as Kokuten'enkou!"

"That is a very cute crow," said Patchouli, pondering if she could stroke its chest without getting pecked. "Why didn't I see you with her earlier?"

Shinmyoumaru smirked. ""I was bargain hunting! You don't see such deals as those every day! Anyway, we can talk about shopping over tea later. Right now, I want to contract your services, as legends of your prowess are spread far and wide."

At least this kobito knew quality. Patchouli smiled slightly. "I'm listening."

Blue:

--- Quote from: Purvijiri on December 18, 2013, 09:55:47 PM ---Both of their uniforms were damaged, torn in various places.

"Hey, you!" one of the faeries called out, and both of them turned to face Patchouli. "What're you doing?"

Faeries chattered, pans banged together, footsteps, and other racket that Patchouli did not care to identify filled the air.

The oven hung open, a fire crackling merrily inside while faeries gathered around it, toasting pieces of bread, marshmallows, squares of tofu and other things in it with stolen kitchen implements.

The crow squawked and took to the air, bursting past the magician and flying toward the opposite side of the room.

"And you know what Cream Flower says we to do with thieves?!"

A moment later, a serving cart burst from the pantry, covered in gleaming silver trays clumsily affixed to it by towels.

As she (verb needed) away, she heard Cream Flower shout, "Ha! Smushed her good!", followed by loud cheering.

"Hey! Hey you!" the little person shouted, her voice barely comprehensible. "I wanna talk."

--- End quote ---

Hello Purvis:
Meiling reclined against the wrought iron front gates, crossing her arms behind her head. The sky was clear and the air pleasantly warm. The gardens were coming up nicely and should be fine unless the weather took a sudden turn for the dry. Puffy clouds drifted by at a lazy pace, promising more rain in the future. She pondered whether any of the local trouble-making faeries would pay a visit today. They could be a handful , but they weren't too bad to pass the time with. Even better would be if that mermaid in the lake nearby decided to come ashore, she was always good for a game of go. But likely not, she seemed to prefer wetter days. The gatekeeper idly pondered if she could convince the Mistress to approve of digging a canal from the lake to the front of the mansion?

A cry came from the direction of the mansion. Meiling looked back, and noted Sakuya picking herself up from the flower bed in front of an open window. This immediately raised the question of why Sakuya would be climbing out of windows. Before she could come up with a satisfactory answer; a window cleaning mishap seemed unlikely; she watched Sakuya dust herself off and was hit with the more immediate question of why she was wearing nothing but an apron. The maid looked toward her and waved, making Meiling keenly aware that her mouth was hanging open. She quickly set about remedying this as Sakuya jogged over, vigorously waving. Meiling waved back with much less vigor , trying her best not to gawk.

"Hey!" Sakuya called out as she came closer, her voice uncharacteristically sing-song. "Hey! Wanna take a break?"

Meiling opened the gate so she could step through; even if things were clearly awry it was terribly rude to talk to someone through a gate. "Take...what?" she said.

The maid slowed her jog to a sashay. Meiling frowned, and hoped that her jaw hadn't dropped again. She had no idea where she was supposed to be looking now, none of this made sense anymore! "I said, you wanna come take a break?" Sakuya said. "I bet you'd just love to take a break, huh?"

"Uh," Meiling was still desperately trying to figure out where she should be looking as the maid closed in. It didn't help when the maid crossed her arms, bringing Meiling's attention downward. Nor did her smirk afterward help at all. What was wrong with her?

"Oh, don't you have anything nice to say, mm?" said Sakuya, still smirking.

Meiling shook her head involuntarily. There was no way this was happening. Was the head maid really trying to flirt with her? Like this? She had to say something, though! "Uh, nice apron?"

Sakuya giggled. "Wanna wear it?"

"Uh." Meiling swallowed, resolving the best place to set her eyes was at the front doors of the mansion, which was roughly in Sakuya's direction. "Are you, um, okay?"

"You could check and see?" Sakuya said, grinning and waggling her eyebrows. Until this moment, Meiling wasn't even sure that Sakuya could make that kind of expression. Was this some kind of dream, maybe? She definitely had no idea what to say next. Not even a confused noise seemed right anymore. Meiling just wanted this to be over. The maid apparently had other ideas, and said, "We could go into your little guardhouse, and I could make you some tea!"

"Uh...I need to clean up in there?" Said the gatekeeper.

Sakuya giggles again. "I'm a maid, I can do just as much cleaning as you'd like!"

Meiling was even less sure what to say to that, was it supposed to be a come on? It seemed like it ought to be, but... She shook her head again. Why was she even thinking about that? She had to come up with a way to make this nightmare end! Then it came to her, like the sun shining through storm clouds. "But we're on break, right?" she said, hoping that she wasn't stuttering or messing up her voice too badly. She couldn't tell anymore.

Sakuya giggled again. "Okay, I have an idea. Why don't we go one of the guest rooms on the third floor? I'll show you how to make a bed..." There was that eyebrow waggling again.

"C-can I get a few minutes to get ready?" said Meiling. Yes! This was the perfect excuse! "I'll, uh, meet you there?"

"Mmm, okay," Sakuya said, practically purring. "I'll get things ready. Meet me in...oh, I dunno, the green guest room?"

"Yeah, sure!" Meiling said, nodding. She hoped her face wasn't plainly showing how desperately she wanted Sakuya to go away. Or at least if it were, it was doing so on the politest terms possible.

The maid seemed to be satisfied, as she turned and began to sashay back toward the mansion. "Don't keep me waiting too long!" she called back. Meiling hoped that she muted her sigh of relief enough that Sakuya didn't hear it. A part of her, particularly the part that didn't worry about averting her eyes so much anymore, was oddly tempted. The worst thing that could happen was that it was just a weird joke, right? But no, there was definitely something wrong here! But what could make someone so prim and professional as Sakuya act like that? The closest she ever came to that was during that summer with all the parties when-

"Oh," Meiling muttered to herself as Sakuya reached the front doors of the mansion, then turned back and winked before disappearing inside. "Trust the head maid to get stinking drunk without the stinking part!" But what could she do? She couldn't let Sakuya just wander around like that, she might get hurt! And she'd definitely be horribly embarrassed about all this. Meiling turned to lock the gate, supposing that Sakuya's word was enough to consider herself on break. She'd have to find someone to help her, someone like Patchouli. She'd know what to do!

Blue:

--- Quote from: Purvijiri on December 20, 2013, 01:24:38 AM ---"Oh, don't you have anything nice to say, mm?" said Sakuya, still smirking.

--- End quote ---
Yaaay~

This is hilarious, please keep the awesomeness up.

Hello Purvis:
(So, this week was hectic, and this bit did not want to be written even a little. Also, more thank yous, Blue.)

Sakuya heard the ruckus long before she reached the main dining room. Despite its name, the main dining room seldom saw use. The Mistress and her sister tended to take meals in the master suite or on the balcony. Sakuya herself generally ate with the maids in a smaller and less ornate room, while Meiling, Patchouli, and Koakuma usually had their meals in their own quarters. The main dining room existed largely for holidays and the rare occasion when the Mistress had more than one or two guests.

She steeled herself, and threw open the doors. Faeries stood atop the ancient sandalwood table; some throwing punches, others flailing away with whatever objects they could get their hands on. The wine cabinet had fallen on its side, most of its shelves conspicuously empty. The walls bore several wine-colored stains and several holes. None of the chairs were in place; some had been piled off to make what looked like a child?s play fort. Others had been broken, and were being used by faeries as clubs. A couple of the taller faeries were even trying to carry whole chairs, making ineffective jabs with the unwieldy things. Several of the pictures had fallen from the walls; a large landscape now leaning against the far wall had its frame broken. Some shorter faeries were under the table, tackling each other and rolling around. As Sakuya watched, trying to process the whole scene, one of the faeries fell off the table. After a moment, she brought her fingers to her mouth and blew a long shrill whistle.

Some of the battling faeries immediately stiffened in attention, while others on the floor leapt up; including the one who had just fallen. Sudden motion in the chandelier overhead drew Sakuya?s attention to a faerie that had been hiding there, and was trying to straddle it and stand. Other faeries squealed and ran, darting behind fallen chairs, under the table, behind the fallen painting in back, wherever they can. A few tried to cower behind their improvised weapons. One pair of faeries on the table continued to fight, but were no longer moving at normal speeds, instead making each swing with exaggerated slowness. Sakuya continued to whistle, coaxing more and more of the faeries out of hiding and into attention, as one of the last two fighters dove under the table suddenly, leaving her companion confused.

After a few moments, Sakuya?s whistle wavered as she ran low on breath. She took a deep breath, then shouted, ?What do you all think you are doing?!? Some of the faeries winced, but not all. Her voice wasn?t right, this one was too deep. A few of them started to speak, prompting Sayuka to shout, ?This is unacceptable! Mistress would be deeply ashamed of all of you!?

?But-? one faerie says

?The House of Scarlet cannot fall!? Sakuya cried, putting her hands on her hips. She did her best to concentrate on her wings while she spoke; as long as she could keep them outstretched? ?Even if heaven itself should give way, the Mistress will stand firm!? They couldn?t be allowed to get in a word edgewise. That was the important part; they couldn?t get any other ideas. A less knowledgeable person might have demanded to know why they were fighting, or why some of them were wearing green. But that would be just inviting disaster; the trick was to drive out all such thoughts, not reinforce them. ?You all should have this knowledge carved into your hearts. How shameful this display is!? It would have been so much easier if she weren?t stuck in the body of some squat top-heavy devil; the maids knew and respected the proper Sakuya; but there was little to be done about that right now. ?Have you forgotten what it means to be a maid??

The faeries were riveted. Sakuya barely paid attention to what she was saying anymore. The words themselves were no longer important, tone was more important. They couldn?t be allowed to think she was wavering at any point, they couldn?t be allowed to doubt. And without the actual chief maid in front of them, there could be no mistakes. ?Go back to your rooms, all of you, and stay there until dinner!?

A chorus of wails arose from the gathered faeries. Sakuya moved away from the door, arms crossed and purposefully scowling, as they stampeded from the room and poured into the halls. The wails continued as the faeries streamed out, running as fast as they could, until only Sakuya was left in the room. Then she sighed in relief, practically slumping over after snapping up her hands fast enough to intercept the headwings as they closed on her face. She doubted even half the faeries would get to their rooms, but the important part was that they weren?t fighting, and weren?t in a large crowd. But it bought some time. If only she could find that stupid devil!

Sakuya gave herself a few moments to regain her composure, then left the dining room. No sign of Koakuma here, anyway. She paused and listened. With the sound of the faeries fading into the distance, down both sides of the hall she noted, she heard another set of heavier footsteps rapidly coming up a nearby staircase. They were much too heavy to be a faerie! Sakuya instinctively tried to step outside of time for a moment, before mentally kicking herself, then grabbing a broken chair leg that a faerie had dropped nearby. She positioned herself just behind the door and listened as the footsteps reached the top of the stairs, then stopped. ?Geez,? came a voice. ?Turn my back for a moment??

?Meiling?? Sakuya called out. Oh god, not Meiling...

?Oh, is that you, Koa?? Meiling answered. ?We got a real problem here! Sakuya?s got into the wine!?

Sakuya?s entire body stiffened reflexively, followed by her headwings closing on her face forcefully. Why did it have to be Meiling? There was no way to keep Patchouli or Koakuma from knowing about this, and inevitably Mistress would have to be told. But, there was no way the Gate Guard could know. It would be nearly as bad as a tengu reporter finding out! ?I...saw,? Sakuya said at length.

?I know where to find her,? Meiling said. ?Let?s go!?

****

Remilia pulled her brush back, and contemplated the brick wall she had begun. Perhaps a bit more shadow? Yes, that would do. She selected a brush with a slightly darker shade of red, only a single bristle on it, and set it on canvas.

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