|~Hakurei Shrine~ > Kosuzu's Grand Bookstore|
|Ohno Sakuya and Koakuma Have Switched Bodies!!!|
|(1/4) > >>|
(Hey guess what! I'm dyslexic and deluded myself into thinking I can write! Find all the grammatical errors and win a prize! The prize shall be gratitude and also invectives!)
"Boom" was not an uncommon sound in Scarlet Devil Mansion. One end of the manor served as a lair to a powerful and amoral magician devoted to her craft, while dozens of faeries serving as maids had could be found anywhere in the house, among the accumulated magical artifacts, the kitchen, and any number of cleaning supplies. Anyone who spent a reasonable amount of time in Scarlet Devil Mansion would grow used to the sound. The thick walls certainly helped in making the occasional boom sound less bad.
"Uuuugh," said a woman of moderate height, her long red hair somewhat singed and her smart dress disheveled. Sprawled upon the ground face-up, she squinted and tried to force her vision to focus. Then she rubbed her head and muttered, "What happ-OW!" One of the bat-like wings on the side of her head smacked into her face with a meaty sound, cutting her off.
"Muuuu..." came a sound from a human-shaped heap clad in purple-and-white-striped pajamas, crumpled against a bookshelf and barely moving. It wriggled while making the noise, then seemed to give up as the noise faded.
"...Mother fucker," said a third figure, an average-sized woman clad in a dark blue maid's uniform. Through a groan, she picked herself up from a pile of books that she had landed on. "Geez, you really need to lay off the whatever that was, Patchy!"
The maid took a moment to stretch, then screwed up her face into a beetle-browed grimace. As the red-haired woman rolled onto her hands and knees, the maid said, "Hey, my wings aren't working! Patchy, what did you do!"
"Stop shouting," said the pajama-clad heap in a muffled voice. "It'll be fine, whatever it is..."
"My wings aren't working!" the maid said, as she balled her fists and glowered at the white and purple heap. "This is a serious problem!"
"Uh..." said the red-haired woman as she stood and looked at the maid, the hitherto-folded wings on her back twitching. Then both of the wings on her head closed on her face like a pair of wrought iron gates, the smacking noise nearly as loud as the resulting cry of "Ow!"
The maid stared at the red-haired woman. After a moment the wings on the latter's face opened and extended straight outward, permitting her to stare at the maid in turn. After a moment of silence, punctuated by some futile wriggling from the pajama-clad head, the maid cried, "Why are you me?!"
"I could ask the same of you," said the red-haired woman, frowning and causing the wings on her head to fold tightly. The wings on her back then extended upwards as she reached up to rub her head.
The maid looked down at herself and frowned. Her brow beetled once again as she took her apron in hand and lifted it up. She ran her fingers over its frills, staring at the plain white surface of the apron as though she expected hidden text to make itself known. "...Oh," she said after some moments. "Guess that explains that."
The red-haired woman rubbed her face, the wings on her back descending and nearly touching the ground, and looked back to the maid. Then her eyes roved back and forth, taking in the damage. There wasn't much left of the table that was in the middle of the room, just a leg here and a corner there. Broken glass covered the carpet, which was easy enough to get rid of. It was going to be less easy to deal with the mysterious blue and yellow stains upon the deep red carpet. Further out, a couple of bookshelves had toppled, and a few more had poured some of their contents on the ground from the shock. Those would be Patchouli's problem, at least. "What happened?" she muttered.
"Patchy screwed up. Duh," said the maid.
"I meant more specifically," the red-haired woman said, her face impassive and professional.
"That's pretty obvious too, you know," said the maid, as she raised an eyebrow and turned her palms upward. "I mean, the real question is how long it's going to take Patchy to fix it!"
The red-haired woman turned her head toward the heap of white and purple stripes as she finally managed to unroll herself and crawl onto her knees. "Yes, Koakuma, that is an excellent question."
"What question?" said the pajama-clad woman, as she adjusted her sleeping cap from her eyes and looked between the two. "You're both fine."
"I'm stuck in Sakuya's gross body, you idiot!" cried the maid, fists balled at her side.
"He-" said the red-haired woman, before a headwing smacked into her face again. "Gyah! How do these things work!?"
The pajama-wearing woman stood up and started to straighten her clothes. She looked between the glaring maid and the red-haired trying to pull a headwing from over her eyes. "Ah, this is a pickle," she said.
"Huh?" said the maid, her glare melting into a frown.
"Well, I would have to research this," Patchouli said. "It's a highly irregular occurrence for two minds to switch bodies without extensive preparation, and this discounts whether or not the aura phenomena-"
"So what you're saying is we're stuck," the maid said loudly.
"...For the foreseeable future," Patchouli said.
Silence reigned over the library for a moment. Patchouli finished smoothing out her robes and turned her attention to her tangled hair. A book tumbled from a nearby shelf onto a pile. "That is not acceptable," said the red-haired woman at length.
"There is little I can do about it," said Patchouli. She frowned at a tangled lock of hair and began to pick at it. "If you are lucky, the issue will correct itself. Otherwise, it will take some rather intriguing research toward fixing it. In a way, this is a rather fortunate accident-"
"Break time!" said the maid, turning and walking away.
"Hey!" said the red-haired woman. "Koakuma, you come back here this instant!"
"Ah ah ah, I'm Sakuya now!" the maid said, before she turned and ran for the door. As she did, she lifted the hem of the dress and began to pull it off. "Wahahahaha!"
"What the hell do you think you're doing!" cried the red-haired woman as she took off in hot pursuit. Both sets of her wings flared out in response, creating space for her arms to pump. Ahead, the maid had shed her dress and tossed it aside with more laughter. The red-haired woman instinctively reached to grab a knife, slowing a little, before stopping the motion. Of course she wouldn't have any knives! They were just ahead now, sheathed to a now-visible garter on the left leg of her purloined body! Giving a snarl, she redoubled her speed, her wings flaring out further. The distance between them closed, just a couple yards, as the maid seemed more interest in wriggling out of her brassiere than running at top speed. The red-haired woman prepared to pounce, before a fierce ache slashed through an unfamiliar limb, and suddenly the ground fell out from under her!
The world spun and came to a painful halt, punctuated by the sound of falling books and further pain upon her head and shoulders. Dazed and her limbs refusing to listen to her, her mind worked quickly to reconstruct what had happened as she tried to move her hands onto the ground and push herself up. There was a sharp pain, to the left... Ah. The wings. One of them must have extended and caught on a bookshelf. And the rest fell into place; it was enough to cost her her footing and then she fell. Then books fell. A couple books fall away from her as she struggles, and then a nearby voice said, "Let me help with that."
"Thank you, Miss Patchouli," said Sakuya, as she tried to stand up and was rewarded with an unexpected ache in her right wing. The pajama-clad magician pulled her to her feet. Sakuya looked toward the doors and frowned upon seeing them open and her underwear on the floor nearby. She reached back to massage the aching wing, doing her best not to think about how strange the action felt. An odd thought came to her. "How did Koakuma get my dress off without removing my apron?"
"Everyone has a talent," Patchouli said. "Don't ask me how she developed that one."
"Very well," Sakuya said. "Would you be so kind to fetch me some knives from the kitchen? I need to stop her before she can pull any more mischief."
"I suppose so," said the magician. "In the meantime, look on the bright side. At least now you can tell whether or not you have a cute butt- Mukyu!" The magician falls to the ground, hands folded over her torso, above her kidney.
"Why would you say such a thing!" Sakuya said, glaring down at the magician.
"I....thought you were...still bound...as my familiar..." Patchouli said, curling into a ball.
"Ah, an experiment, I understand," said Sakuya, before bringing her heel down on Patchouli's other kidney.
|an unmatched sock:
This is going to be a fun time. I can tell.
Can't wait for future chapters!
-I saw no grammatical errors on my part, so good job, I guess?
--- Quote from: Purvijiri on December 14, 2013, 11:08:42 PM ---"Boom" was not an uncommon sound in the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
One end of the manor served as a lair to an powerful and amoral magician devoted to her craft, while dozens of faeries serving as maids had could be found anywhere in the house...
Anyone who spent a reasonable amount of time in the Scarlet Devil Mansion would grow used to the sound.
It wriggled while making the noise, then seemed to give up as the noised faded.
"...Mother fucker," said a third figure, an average-sized woman clad in a dark blue maid's uniform, and through a groan she picked herself up from a pile of books that she had landed on.
The wings on her back then extended upwards as she reached up to rub her head.
She ran her fingers over its frills, staring at the plain white surface of the apron as though she expected hidden text to make itself known. There shouldn't have been an apostrophe in "its."
The red-haired woman turned her head toward the heap of white and purple stripes as it finally managed to unroll herself and crawl onto her knees. "Yes, Koakuma, that is an excellent question." Pronoun changes from "it" to "her."
The pajama-wearing woman stood up and started to straighten her clothes.
"So what you're saying is we're stuck," the maid said loudly. The "T" in "the" was capitalized.
A book tumbled from a nearby shelf onto a pile.
...Otherwise, it (there?) will have to be(?) some rather intriguing research in how to fix it. In a way, this is a rather fortunate accident-"
Both sets of her wings flared out in response, creating space for her arms to pump.
And the rest fell into place; it was enough to cost her her footing and then she fell.
Then more(?) books fell.
A couple books fell away from her as she struggled, and then a nearby voice said, "Let me help with that."
The pajama-clad magician pulled her to her feet. Sakuya looked toward the doors, and frowned to see them open and her underwear on the floor nearby.
An odd thought came to her.
--- End quote ---
These are all of the ones I found. It's mostly tense issues, and there are a few missing words. Other than that, it was really good.
brb passing out because it's midnight here and I'm really tired for some reason
|an unmatched sock:
--- Quote from: Blue on December 15, 2013, 08:11:24 AM ---long list of errors
--- End quote ---
And this is why I'm not an editor and an engineering major. My brain ignored 100% of those.
(RDJIL YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT. ALSO THANK YOU BLUE! Same dyslexia warnings as before.)
Koakuma pranced down the stairs from the library, savoring the cool air on her borrowed skin. She snickered: of course that dumb maid wouldn't know how to fold wings the right way! Hopefully she didn't break anything, though. It'd be a pain to switch back and have a busted wing. Putting that thought out of mind, she continued to prance down the stairs, secure in her lead. The only question was what to do now. Maybe hassle the gate guard? Oh, that'd be fun. Or go grab some snacks? Oh, oh! Maybe go and see just how close she and the vampire really were!
It was an interesting body that Sakuya had, she had to admit. Koakuma definitely felt more graceful and better balanced than ever. It was a little odd not to have the familiar weight of wings behind her, and the chest was a little lighter than usual, but the legs more than made up for it. She had appreciated them before, but efforts to get a closer appreciation of them never panned out well. Shame the maid was such a sourpuss, but that's just how people are. No point in worrying about it right now, though now was the time fo-"Shit!"
Her foot, connected to a leg a little longer than normal, touched down on the floor of the mansion's main hall before she was ready to deal with it. She felt her balance slipping, and immediately shifted her weight to compensate. Then she realized that it wasn't enough, there weren't any wings now to counterbalance! Then she fell forward, and it was all she could do to get her hands out in front of her and tense up for the impact. Her palms hit the cold marble floor with a loud smack; pain raced up her arms to her shoulders, followed by the same in her knees. Her profanity still ringing in her ears, Koakuma picked herself up, and then noticed everything was wrong.
The hall was adorned with the wealth of the Scarlet family. Sumptuous banners hung from the ceiling, suits of plate armor stood in mock attention with broad-bladed swords before them. Strange paintings by artists with weird foreign names depicting people in funny-looking clothes lined the walls. Thick wooden doors with elaborate paneling and carvings lined the hall, easily rivaling the most intricately painted paper doors. And now everything was dull gray, as though all the light were wrung from the hall like a sponge. Even the banners had stopped swaying...
"...Oh," Koakuma said. Her mouth drew into a thin line as understanding dawned upon her. "How the heck?" She looked around and then frowned. "How'd I even do this?"
With the world still, she made her way across the floor, trying not to pay much mind to the stinging in her kneecaps. That'd just be Sakuya's problem when this is all over. Now that she had a moment, Koakuma began to get a feeling for just how different this body was. Walking was easy, until she swayed her hips and found there was more to sway than before. But she adapted to it quickly enough. It was a bit harder to climb the opposing stairs to the second floor mezzanine, her legs were too long now and the stairs came up at the wrong time. But by the time she had climbed the curving staircase, she felt she had gotten the hang of it, as long as she paid attention. Looking around the mezzanine, she noted one of the sets of doors leading into a side hallway hung open.
"Hello?" she called as she peeked into the open hallway. No one was there. She frowned, then shook her head. "Not like anyone's gonna answer anyways, dummy," she muttered as she walked into the hall. Then she paused and glanced at the doors. "I wonder..." she said as she reached toward the nearer one and gave it a tug. With a curious sort of sluggishness, as though it resented the bother, the door swung outward. "Huh!" She grabbed the other door and pushed them closed. The hinges made no sound, nor did the doors coming together. Instead, they put up more resistance, until finally settling in place. "Must be the latch," said Koakuma with a shrug. Then she absently scratched at an itch on her chest and began to skip down the hall.
Numerous doors lined the hallway, leading to drawing rooms, galleries, and so on. She didn't wander this way in the mansion often, there usually wasn't any real reason for it. No one used the second floor very much. There was a pool table popular with the off duty maids somewhere, but there was no point in trying to take on faeries in anything like that... She skipped past several doors, then stopped to scratch at the annoying itch on her chest again. "This'll do," she said, approaching the nearest door and opening it. The knob resisted at first, almost as though it were locked, but slowly and soundlessly it turned, until the door grudgingly slid open. It took a small push to actually open it. Inside, she found one of the less used parlors where white was the theme. The chairs and couch were upholstered in white, the cabinets were made of light-hued woods painted white. Hung over a fireplace of polished white granite was a large painting of a forest of trees bearing white blossoms. Thick satin hung over the windows. Even with the world around her all in grays, only some of the room's beauty was lost. Three faerie maids stood in the room, still as statues. A tall one with butterfly-like wings, nearly chest high to Koakuma, was dusting the top of a cabinet, while two waist-high faeries with crescent-shaped wings were sweeping the white-tiled floor. Koakuma walked into the parlor, a smirk crossing her face. "Here we go!"
Ignoring the persistent itch on her chest, she approached the two sweeping faeries and studied them for a moment. One was in the process of finishing a sweeping motion, adding to the pile of dust in front of her. The other was in the process of shifting her broom to a better position. With a grin, Koakuma approached the former faerie, grabbed the broom handle, and tugged. It did not budge. "C'mon, leggo!" Koakuma said, tugging again. It still did not budge, which prompted Koakuma to brace her foot against the faerie's back and tug! Still nothing. "Let go, you stupid faerie!" Koakuma shouted, tugging a few more times, before nearly losing her balance and stumbling back.
Taking a moment to catch her breath, Koakuma noticed that her chest was beginning to ache. "Ah hell, I didn't break it, did I?" she muttered, and rubbed her sternum. This did nothing and the ache redoubled, nearly knocking the breath out of her. Gasping for air, she pounded her fist against her chest in hopes of doing something. The ache remained, becoming more intense. Was this one of those heart attack things? Those weren't supposed to happen to devils! The pain grew worse; a sort of strained gurgle escaped from her throat as she staggered. Then a feeling akin to the sound of glass shattering shot through her body. Color and motion flooded into the world, and the pain ebbed away.
The faeries began moving again, then stopped as their eyes turned toward the panting form of the maid. "Oh no!" cried the taller one, while one of the sweepers jaws fell, The other tossed her broom aside and threw her hands over eyes.
"M-m-m-miss Sakuya!" said the faerie with her eyes covered, her voice rapidly changing pitch.
"That's...right..." Koakuma said between heavy breaths, trying to shake off the sudden feeling of numbness from the pain's aftermath.
"Y-y-you're...you're n-n-" the faerie continued, spreading her fingers for a moment to look, then shutting them. Her words evaporated into a loud squeal.
"I'm the boss, you mean!" Koakuma said, as grinned and straightened up. The pain was gone, everything was better now. The tall faerie gave off an squeak in reply. "And you know what time it is?"
"W-what time?" said the tall faerie. Her hands wrung along the handle of her feather duster, as she tried to hide her face behind it.
Koakuma crossed her arms and grinned confidently. "We're gonna have some fun, kids!"
"Order has fallen!" shrieked the gape-jawed faerie. "The apocalypse is coming!" The other two faeries screamed high-pitched screams, as the previously gape-jawed faerie turned and launched herself into the air, flying as fast as her crescent-shaped wings could carry her toward the door at the far end of the room. The other two quickly followed suit, grabbing their skirts and running toward that door. They barely seemed to notice as their companion failed to stop in time, slamming into the wall with a meaty thud and squawk, then falling to the ground. Instead they stepped over her, threw open the door, and dashed out into the hall while shrieking at the top of their lungs. The last faerie climbed to her knees, squirmed out the door and screamed, "The end is nigh! All is lost!" A chorus of shrieks echoed from down the hall.
"Okay," muttered Koakuma.
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