Author Topic: That's your Touhouroscope for today  (Read 98442 times)

theshirn

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #90 on: October 25, 2013, 07:00:27 PM »
Last Words: As you fall to your doom, the camera pans out and spins to a sickening degree. With your last breaths, you shout at Rex. "Curse you! Curse your family! Curse your children!. And your children's children! Vile, vile Scorpioooooo-" *BOOM*
 
Spoiler:
There you go, Shim. Now start posting in the KoDP thread again.
I am well pleased.

[09:46] <theshim|work> there is nothing like working for a real estate company to make one contemplate arson

an unmatched sock

  • Um...what's this?
  • Should I be concerned? I think I should be concern
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #91 on: October 25, 2013, 11:23:51 PM »
Quote
Tohosort's always good to see how much things have changed regarding your fandom every so often. Read a dozen doujins or some older canon material, and watch how many places are shook up.

Yeah, but last time I tried this, only half of the ones on this list were in the top 10 (and Sukuna wasn't even known yet...), and the rest made more sense. Sure, most of them were Stage 4 bosses (I think), but still.
 
Quote
Future: Your sweet, innocent obliviousness of the armageddon-level catastrophes you have caused have extended back through your family for generations. Great-granddad left the stove on in the Hindenburg, Grandma playing jump rope with friends near the Tacoma Narrows Bridge was the last nail in its coffin, and uncle Artyom played tug o' war using a power line with his pet dog out in Chernobyl. The same trait of being an innocent walking disaster area starts young. Little did you know, while being driven home from the hospital after your birth, you tugged on your father's hair when he was driving into your garage, causing him to careen into a support beam. Making your first home unsafe for living was just the start, and you soon cause a torrent of disasters, resulting in your parents giving you up for adoption. Three adoption homes (and two very understanding adoptive parents) later, you were released to the real world, your destructive skills remaining dormant. Soon they will reawaken. In spades. It starts with a gas leak that levels your first workplace in the middle of the night and gets progressively worse from there. Someone finally rats on you (speaking of which, you inadvertently start a giant rat infestation), and you become a social outcast. Eventually, your landlord awards you with the deed to an entire block of apartments and all the other tenants flee. Days later, you pick at a chipped section of a cinderblock and the entire building implodes. It's a good thing you're such a chipper, positive person, or the years of isolation would really wear on you. You try to build a log cabin in the forest, but it burns down. You then try to build a house out of i-beams and sheet metal, but it burns down. Finally, you build a house from coral in the ocean, but an oil tanker crashes on top of it, causing it to burn down. Seeking a purpose to all of this misfortune, you offer your... ability to be used for the good of the public. You are later used to clear minefields, cause landslides and avalanches, and are even sent into space to draw away an asteroid that would've otherwise hit earth. It hits your space shuttle, though.
 
Death: You manage to avoid being a part of all the catastrophes you cause by sheer luck. Even Death doesn't want anything to do with you, and when you're finally satisfied with your life, you deliberately drive a knife into your temple at 118. The blow doesn't prove to be enough, and you only have a vision of Death at a Dairy Queen. You have a conversation with him, and he whines about how bad his love life has been, which makes sense considering what a whiny stiff he is. You grill him on that until it's the scythe for you. Death breaks a hip in the process.
 
Last Words: You're 118! You're last words were some 6 years earlier when you hit on the sprightly young nonagenarian who lived down the hall in the nursing home. "Mrs. Grundy, you wanna come over my place and swap dentures?" Man, you have your moments.
 
Number: 10000 feet. It will be a minimum distance restraining order put on you by the entire human race.
 
Color: Rosy pink innocence.

Well, that explains why I don't have a garage. I also like how my last moment actually manages to hurt Death. Serves him right. I can actually see most of this happening, frighteningly enough. This is why I'm in college for chemical engineering. I shall realize this destiny! But hopefully at least one of my houses won't burn down. Fate has to have a more creative destruction-causing brain than that!

(How was I not evicted from the nursing home prior due to my inherent causing of catastrophes?)

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #92 on: October 26, 2013, 01:43:08 AM »
Death: You inhale your wife in your sleep and choke to death at 84. She makes it out OK though.
The whole thing was pretty funny and entertaining but this, this is hilarious!

Color: Rainbow hugs and happiness
Rainbows and miracles!

Spoiler:
How this came about without Shinmyoumaru in the top 10, I dunno.
She's high on my list but not top ten.  Quite appropriate for the story I do say though. Good show!

Raikaria

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #93 on: October 26, 2013, 09:11:21 AM »
Reading things like 'Armageddon' for people with Okku makes me seriously scared for what mine will be with basically the Touhou Satan as my #1; a being of darkness; someone who may or may not be a Shinigami; and Yuuka. [And Kogasa is there breaking up the 'scare quartet' by failing to scare people]

I look forward to this. 'Tis almost October 31st, after all.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2013, 09:13:44 AM by Raikaria »


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I don't even remember who put the above in my sig. [Wasn't me] Nor do I understand why I keep it here anymore.
Those two facts sum me up pretty well.

Reddyne

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #94 on: October 28, 2013, 05:44:03 PM »
I can only spend so much time on these per day, though!
Okay, the hat has been employed

1, Minoriko
2. Hina
3. Sekibanki
4. Byakuren
5. Kisume
6. Shizuha
7. Yuyuko
8. Rumia
9. Sukuna
10. Utsuho
Do I have to shuffle for each individual horoscope?
Please shuffle, rattle and roll for each individual horoscope.
 
Future: Some day, there will be a little girl. She will be just like you and I, and she will have many friends. Each day, she will go out to the top of the hill at the edge of town to play with them before going home each night. When morning comes again, she will race back to the top of the hill, excited to spend another day with her friends. She will come home covered in grass stains and dirt, bumps and cuts, but it will be of no bother to her, since she has so much fun with her friends. So much of her life will revolve around them, and she will be very happy.

One day, she will slip on the wet grass along the path leading to the top of the hill, tumbling down its side. Try as she might, she cannot return to the path. She will injure her leg in the fall, and the way back to the path will be most difficult. Even though she will not look hurt, even though the way back up will not look rough, and even though the hill will not look steep, they all most certainly will be. But she will be the first to leave home that morning, and one by one her friends will pass. "Please help. I am hurt and I don't know if I can make my way back." she will say. One by one, her friends will respond. "What will the others think of me if I struggle to help? Can't you help yourself?" Says the prideful one. "It will take me so much time to help. Can't you help yourself?" Says the lazy one. "I don't know if I could help you. Can't you help yourself?" Says the clueless one. "I may get hurt too. Can't you help yourself?" Says the cowardly one. One by one, they pass, and the little girl will be left all alone. "But I cannot help myself" she will cry. "I am hurt and now all my friends are gone."
 
Finally, her last friend will pass by - you. She may not ask for your help. She may not even say anything to you. But you will see that she is hurt, and will stop to help her. And you will struggle to find a way to help, spending much of the time you could spend with the others to help her, all while straining and hurting yourself in the process. But you will perservere, and you will return the girl to the path. After catching her breath and offering her thanks, she will say "I thought I had no friends. Were you not embarrassed to help? Were you not discouraged, unsure, and afraid?" "Yes," you will answer, "but you are more important to me than my pride, or my time, doubts, or fears." "But no one may know that you helped. They may even laugh if they do." "But I know that I've helped," you say, "and now, my friend, so do you."
 
Death: Naturally at 86
 
Last Words: Per Euripides, "friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness."
 
Number: 2
 
Color: Orange
 
1. Yuuka Kazami
2. Yukari Yakumo
3. Letty Whiterock
4. Kanako Yasaka
5.  Elly
6. Wakasagihime
7. Kagerou Imaizumi
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
9. Yamame Kurodani
10. Satori Komeiji

Future: Who is boss? You is boss. And everyone knows you are boss. Including the guy who you got demoted for bad grammar in that second sentence. You're so boss that you are your boss's boss. Screw central admin. They've got their heads up their asses. You know that. You shoved them up there after they didn't listen to you about the Peasley portfolio. Your top competitor went in and snatched it up after the meeting in Chicago. They went home riding first class in their new private jet eating caviar and drinking the tears of homeless people while you were left sleeping on a park bench with a crying intern while eating ramen out of a cup you found in the trash can! And you walked home. You know why? Because you're the boss. And you love every part of it. Except for Bob. He couldn't send you the meeting minutes from Friday's monthly sales report if you stuffed a transcript up his nose. You know. You did just that. Then he quit and complained about not being able to breathe or brain damage or some shit. But that doesn't matter, because you're the boss. And bosses get to do what they want. Like fire people. People like Mitch from accounting because he retired. After only 30 years with the company? I don't care if you have Parkinson's disease, Mitch. That monthly report is due NOW. Hell, even your pet goldfish and your dog know you are boss. The dog sits and plays dead while providing you with powerpoint presentations covering the improvements in the fetching-to-begging ratio and patterns in the number of times he vomits on the couch per month. The fish keeps a lean poop production schedule and keeps that damn scuba diver in his tank producing bubbles like it was his job. Because it IS. Keep that up and the two of you will be competing for employee of the month, Gadget and Mr. Flippers!
 
Death: HOLY CRAP does retirement suck! Bullying your underlings is "frowned upon" by the brass at those stupid "charities" you offer your services to. It's not even that much fun to make the old ladies who bake cookies at the blood drives to work required overtime. Time to talk in up with the phlebotomists themselves since they seem to be underperforming. What the heck? You're not a donor, but all of them agree that you are all at once, and you're days working over your underlings are done at 70 after a swarm of people with needles decide to draw a dozen pints of blood from you.
 
Last Words: "DAMMIT DEATH! You're not meeting your quota. Do you know how really need help with this?"
 
Number: 1
 
Color: Cyan. That's one of the colors in the printer. Did you swap out the old cartidges for the new one? NO?! Annie, you nitwit, get to it! 

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Hello Purvis

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #95 on: October 28, 2013, 08:20:41 PM »
Sadly, she will never learn the whole story, which is that I slicked up the grass with leftover cooking oil to start with and the whole prank went terribly wrong.

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #96 on: October 29, 2013, 06:17:30 PM »
Well, I never was that good at writing parables and such. I know what I mean. I think.
1. Youmu
2. Reimu
3. Byakuren
4. Mokou
5. Keine
6. Mystia
7. Letty
8. Chen
9. Ran
10. Yuyuko
I'll have you know that 6 of those characters are in my own top 10.
 
Future: Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland. A hero will rise to face off against pompous villains with no real purpose other than puppy-punting and their massive mobs high school dropouts whose wardrobe looks like Gucci and a used car lot had a crack baby. You will stand 270 cm tall (including your hair. which is blonde, orange, and teal). Your name? Ishikawa Goemon Wingates Leblanc Armstrong-no-Mikoto Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky Rightblade/Lightblade (depending on localization) MMLXIII, and you wield a sword longer than your name despite all the villains having access to military hardware. You would use it to shave, but you don't need to. The apocalypse screwed with your aging process and now you're permanently 14 and you are also the messiah of the new world.

After 5 story arcs involving befriending all of the major villains at the end of them and surviving 120 filler episodes, you're ready to charge straight into battle against your greatest foe - your brother. He's been twisted by the apocalypses because he caused both of them by accident, and now he's a pitiful husk of a youth who's killed and enslaved hundreds while hoarding the entire food and water supply of Japan (because Japan is now the center of the universe thanks to the apocalypses. Apocalypsi? Whatever.) In control of an army, a nuclear arsenal, and hundreds of tanks, jets, and battleships, he challenges you to a duel to the death using the same method he used to defeat all of those foolish to stand in his way. He draws you into his lair to play a game of badminton-gin-rummy of DOOM. And you agree to the duel. You're the hero, after all.

With your ineffectual and grating girlfriend that's unpopular with the fandom, your team of comrades who slipped behind your power level 250 episodes ago and couldn't hope to reach yours after decades of training, and you highly intelligent half-weasel, half-ferret sidekick named Mimi nervously waiting on the sidelines, you charge forth into battle. And get your ass kicked. Your brother is playing with his right-hand man and you were too dumb to make a friend with 1/16th of the skill that you have, after all. But you aren't finished yet, despite the amount of damage that has been done to your clothing! The air around you swirls, and you scream! Shouting empowers the soul! Doing so transforms your sword into a giant racket, and makes your hair even more ridiculous. With your hair now filling the entire battleground, your power is maximum, and you defeat your brother with your signature Quadruple Meld Smash Attack! The stadium in which this all takes place will be vaporized, and you'll take the dessicated husk of your brother to a magic pod that will make him perfectly fine in 2 days. He'll have forgotten the entire thing and everyone will be happy. Except the shippers. They're still pissed you didn't make it with episode 413's poke-girl.
 
Death: The series will make so much money that the creator will be forced to write a continuation. You will spare your next foe the curse of killing a kind and just man who happens to look like a high school freshman. In the end, your own life is the only one you take at 67. You will kill yourself by committing hara-kiri with your badminton racket.
 
Last Words: "My life is one lived without a single regret!'
 
Number: Next to 0. It is the number of things your racket cannot cut.
Spoiler:
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!

Color: Red! The color of determination!
 
TEST YOUR MIGHT
CHOOSE YOUR FATE
BRING THE FIGHT
ELSE THERE WONT BE CAKE
1. Mima
2. Lily White
3. Renko Usami
4. Alice Margatroid
5. Maribel Hearn
6. Rumia
7. Tenshi Hinanawi
8. Sariel
9. Raiko Horikawa
10. Rinnosuke Morichika

Future: Aw, man. Your high school prank is going to be so sweet! It's gonna take every last kid in the school to pull it off, and all of your money, and all of everyone else's money, and the cooperation of the school's clubs and the marching band, but you're gonna pull it off! It's gonna be great! You've already got your super cool uncle who works for the town fire department in on the act. You'll need someone to say that this whole thing is "controlled" after all. It's gonna be HUGE! Every light in the city will go dark with all of the electical power you'll need for what you've got in store. Not like it'll matter anyhow, because the shockwave that part of your stunt will produce will cause every light bulb in town to burst simply because of its sheer magnitude. Oh, this is gonna be awe~some~! You've got enough fireworks and confetti and noisemakers and megaphones to cover a city block!  No one else thought of something of this magnitude, not even the infamous Chuckle Brothers from gym class! They're trouble-startin' MACHINES and yet they are mere lieutenants in this massive Roman Legion sized caper you've got planned! We've got the windmill from the miniature golf course, 85 pies, every last pet rat within a 50 kilometer radius, 20 kilograms of superglue, a fog machine, 5 disco balls, and a scrapped jumbo jet. And we're going to use every last one of them! Yes! This is gonna be great. And... What do you mean I graduated 3 years ago?

Death: You borrow the ideas you've accumulated through secondary education, uni, your first job, your career job, retirement community, and nursing home, and you finally pull off quite literally the prank of a lifetime at the age of 83. It takes out half of downtown, reducing it to a wasteland of farm animals, stink bombs, marching band instruments rigged to subwoofers, and a life-sized statue of Reisen Udongein Inaba from a noodle joint overseas.

Last Words: An incomprehensible mix of fart jokes, memes, and bad grammar left rattling in your skull that you picked up when you were 15.

Number: Forever 17.

Color: Pea soup.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Edible

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #97 on: October 29, 2013, 06:31:11 PM »
Hat, ring, etc.

1- Byakuren Hijiri
2- Yuyuko Saigyouji
3- Reimu Hakurei
4- Suika Ibuki
5- Kyouko Kasodani
6- Keine Kamishirasawa
7- Fujiwara no Mokou
8- Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
9- Kasen Ibara
10- Suwako Moriya

an unmatched sock

  • Um...what's this?
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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #98 on: October 29, 2013, 10:00:38 PM »
Quote
Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland.

Well, if these are true, it will probably be my fault. At least one, anyway. Sorry bout that.

Zengar Zombolt

  • Space-Time Tuning Circle - Wd/Fr
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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #99 on: October 29, 2013, 10:05:44 PM »
Spoiler:
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!
Worry not, that would have been too hard and too terrible. It is a title that has to be shared.

Monkeypro257

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #100 on: October 30, 2013, 03:24:21 AM »
Favorites usually depends. . .
1.Yuuka
2.Mugetsu
3.Mai
4.Yuki
5.Nitori
6.Shou
7.Flandre
8.Mamizou
9.Cirno . . . .
10.Yumemi

MewMewHeart

  • Hermit Mode on!
  • Just chilling like a hermit.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #101 on: October 30, 2013, 03:30:23 AM »
Ah why the hell not?

1. Reisen Udongein Inaba
2.  Tewi Inaba
3.  Toyosatomimi no Miko
4.  Kaguya Houraisan
5.  Byakuren Hijiri
6.  Eirin Yagokoro
7.  Ichirin Kumoi
8.  Reimu Hakurei 
9.  Koishi Komeiji
10. Sakuya Izayoi
My danmakucopter goes pew pew pew!

Check out my newb PAD box it's a thing right?

Giratina93

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #102 on: October 30, 2013, 03:56:08 AM »
 
Future: Who is boss? You is boss. And everyone knows you are boss. Including the guy who you got demoted for bad grammar in that second sentence. You're so boss that you are your boss's boss. Screw central admin. They've got their heads up their asses. You know that. You shoved them up there after they didn't listen to you about the Peasley portfolio. Your top competitor went in and snatched it up after the meeting in Chicago. They went home riding first class in their new private jet eating caviar and drinking the tears of homeless people while you were left sleeping on a park bench with a crying intern while eating ramen out of a cup you found in the trash can! And you walked home. You know why? Because you're the boss. And you love every part of it. Except for Bob. He couldn't send you the meeting minutes from Friday's monthly sales report if you stuffed a transcript up his nose. You know. You did just that. Then he quit and complained about not being able to breathe or brain damage or some shit. But that doesn't matter, because you're the boss. And bosses get to do what they want. Like fire people. People like Mitch from accounting because he retired. After only 30 years with the company? I don't care if you have Parkinson's disease, Mitch. That monthly report is due NOW. Hell, even your pet goldfish and your dog know you are boss. The dog sits and plays dead while providing you with powerpoint presentations covering the improvements in the fetching-to-begging ratio and patterns in the number of times he vomits on the couch per month. The fish keeps a lean poop production schedule and keeps that damn scuba diver in his tank producing bubbles like it was his job. Because it IS. Keep that up and the two of you will be competing for employee of the month, Gadget and Mr. Flippers!
 
Death: HOLY CRAP does retirement suck! Bullying your underlings is "frowned upon" by the brass at those stupid "charities" you offer your services to. It's not even that much fun to make the old ladies who bake cookies at the blood drives to work required overtime. Time to talk in up with the phlebotomists themselves since they seem to be underperforming. What the heck? You're not a donor, but all of them agree that you are all at once, and you're days working over your underlings are done at 70 after a swarm of people with needles decide to draw a dozen pints of blood from you.
 
Last Words: "DAMMIT DEATH! You're not meeting your quota. Do you know how really need help with this?"
 
Number: 1
 
Color: Cyan. That's one of the colors in the printer. Did you swap out the old cartidges for the new one? NO?! Annie, you nitwit, get to it!

This just fits so well... I can see myself going out that way. Nice job.
Why... why must weak humans destroy their world? Why can they not preserve that which they see so dear to them? Why must all life perish before immortality?

Nihilanth

  • Nyaa~ like no tomorrow.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #103 on: October 30, 2013, 06:55:32 AM »
oh God, this is full of so much win. I have to agree, this is . . . this is . . . something I would take to heart and definitely see myself in some way . . .  :]


Future: Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland. A hero will rise to face off against pompous villains with no real purpose other than puppy-punting and their massive mobs high school dropouts whose wardrobe looks like Gucci and a used car lot had a crack baby. You will stand 270 cm tall (including your hair. which is blonde, orange, and teal). Your name? Ishikawa Goemon Wingates Leblanc Armstrong-no-Mikoto Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky Rightblade/Lightblade (depending on localization) MMLXIII, and you wield a sword longer than your name despite all the villains having access to military hardware. You would use it to shave, but you don't need to. The apocalypse screwed with your aging process and now you're permanently 14 and you are also the messiah of the new world.

After 5 story arcs involving befriending all of the major villains at the end of them and surviving 120 filler episodes, you're ready to charge straight into battle against your greatest foe - your brother. He's been twisted by the apocalypses because he caused both of them by accident, and now he's a pitiful husk of a youth who's killed and enslaved hundreds while hoarding the entire food and water supply of Japan (because Japan is now the center of the universe thanks to the apocalypses. Apocalypsi? Whatever.) In control of an army, a nuclear arsenal, and hundreds of tanks, jets, and battleships, he challenges you to a duel to the death using the same method he used to defeat all of those foolish to stand in his way. He draws you into his lair to play a game of badminton-gin-rummy of DOOM. And you agree to the duel. You're the hero, after all.

With your ineffectual and grating girlfriend that's unpopular with the fandom, your team of comrades who slipped behind your power level 250 episodes ago and couldn't hope to reach yours after decades of training, and you highly intelligent half-weasel, half-ferret sidekick named Mimi nervously waiting on the sidelines, you charge forth into battle. And get your ass kicked. Your brother is playing with his right-hand man and you were too dumb to make a friend with 1/16th of the skill that you have, after all. But you aren't finished yet, despite the amount of damage that has been done to your clothing! The air around you swirls, and you scream! Shouting empowers the soul! Doing so transforms your sword into a giant racket, and makes your hair even more ridiculous. With your hair now filling the entire battleground, your power is maximum, and you defeat your brother with your signature Quadruple Meld Smash Attack! The stadium in which this all takes place will be vaporized, and you'll take the dessicated husk of your brother to a magic pod that will make him perfectly fine in 2 days. He'll have forgotten the entire thing and everyone will be happy. Except the shippers. They're still pissed you didn't make it with episode 413's poke-girl.
 
Death: The series will make so much money that the creator will be forced to write a continuation. You will spare your next foe the curse of killing a kind and just man who happens to look like a high school freshman. In the end, your own life is the only one you take at 67. You will kill yourself by committing hara-kiri with your badminton racket.
 
Last Words: "My life is one lived without a single regret!'
 
Number: Next to 0. It is the number of things your racket cannot cut.
Spoiler:
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!

Color: Red! The color of determination!
« Last Edit: October 30, 2013, 06:57:09 AM by Nihilanth »

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #104 on: October 30, 2013, 09:53:12 PM »
Hard to decide after the first six or so, but let's see...
1) Youmu Konpaku
2) Tokiko*
3) Toyosatomimi no Miko*
4) Fujiwara no Mokou*
5) Byakuren Hijiri*
*actually, these four characters are just about equal to me. However, I can't just list them all as #2
6) Utsuho Reiuji
7) Koishi Komeiji
8) Shou Toramaru
9) Aya Shameimaru
10) Remilia Scarlet
I would fix the 8) thing up there by Shou, but instead I thought it was a funny mistake and it also accurately shous how awesome she is.
Aristotle said "a friend to all is a friend to none."
Yang Wen-li of LoGH fame said "someone who cannot hate something cannot love something, either."
Well, a number of opposites makes mental analysis fun.
 
Future: You have schizophrenia. NO YOU DON'T. SUSAN DOES. But you're not letting it affect your life. YES YOU ARE THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. You wake up in the morning and are greeted at the fridge by a reminder that you scrawled the night before reminding you to pick up a birthday cake that the bakery is holding for you. YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT I DID. After having some delightful pancakes for breakfast WE HAD WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST FUCK PANCAKES WHAT THE SHIT DO THEY KNOW?! you hop into the shower FOR A BATH. After getting out to shave your face LEGS. SUSAN ISN'T LIKE AUNT BUNNY, you slip on you best pants and shirt BLOUSE and out the door DON'T FORGET TO LOCK IT OR SUSAN MIGHT BARGE IN. It's a beautiful day for a walk, and the sun HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES is beaming down on you YOU MEAN SUSAN?! Down the street you go on a pleasant walk WHY CAN'T WE TAKE THE CAR WE ARE TAKING THE CAR NOW to pick up the cake NO YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THAT JOKE PLEASE NO OH THANK YOU GOD. But before that, you go to the store to buy some fruit. Strawberries and oranges would make for great snacks this week. AND NOW AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL APPLE INSTITUTE: FUCK ORANGES. Then it's over to the bakery, which is only 5 buildings MILES down the street. You pick up the cake for your dear friend ME IT MUST BE ME. It's chocolate with extra chocolate frosting NO IT... WAIT YES WE AGREED ON THAT ONE OK NEVERMIND. After dropping the fruit off at home OR MAYBE IN THE ABANDONED HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET, you slip the cake into the backseat of your car HUMVEE and take it to your dear friend's house BY WHICH YOU MEAN YOU WANDERED AROUND THE YARD FOR AN HOUR. Once there, you carry the cake over and knock on your dear friend's doorBELL. The door is slowly opened up to reveal her OUR face. "Happy Birthday, Susan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME WOW CAKE?! NOM NOM NOM."
 
Death: You will fall off cliff to your doom and EAT AN ENTIRE BAG OF FROZEN SHRIMP WE HAVE A SEAFOOD ALLERGY AAAAH. You will perish at the age of 62 26 AAAAH
 
Last Words:  You will scream as you go over the cliff! "AAAAAH!" BUT THE SHRIMP ALLERGY WILL PARALYZE YOU AND YOU WILL SLUMP OVER AND GO "AAAAAH!"
 
Number: 78. THIRTY TWO.
 
Color: Blue. HOT PINK.
 
Mmkay...
1. Marisa
2. Chen
3. Ran
4. Mokou
5. Orin
6. Yukari
7. Momiji
8. Suwako
9. Okuu
10. Tenshi

Future: You are the leader of the Multiple Environment Occupational Warrior squad under Yukarin's command. Fifty elite cats that have completed Delta Force level training, ready and equipped to handle whatever menace the free world may face. That includes your greatest foe yet, the Bringers Of War - Wielders Of Weapons terrorist group. Those dogs know how to start trouble, but you won't allow it. Not on your watch! They tried to be all sneaky at first. They asked for their own bowls. Fine. But then they asked for their own beds. Their own squeaky toys. Their own shows! Dammit, that's scum by any measure. But then they went too far. They'd chain their master to a leash and go out into the world for walkies to show off to other dogs. And you know what else they do? They make poopies on their walk, and their master has to clean it up. How humiliating! How vile! Are you going to take that shit? No! Literally! They should clean up for themselves, the swine! God Save the Queen's Lap! Armed to the teeth they may be, you will fight back with every last ounce of strength you possess. Your team will steal the dogs' spot on Mom's chair. Then you'll outperform them at the dinner table and take the leftover chicken scraps for yourselves. Lastly, fate willing, you will even boop them on the nose should they try to take a spot on the bed. Yeah. They'll rue the day they tried to mess with you. You love the smell of catnip in the morning. Smells like... victory.
 
Death: The catnip addiction will prove to be your downfall. You will retire from the job early in order to cope with it, and will be in and out of rehab for years. It'll still do you in at the age of 52. You'll got out in a hotel room with some "special guests" with so much of the weed in your system that Keith Richards would blush.
 
Last Words: "I only regret that I have but nine lives to give for my country."
 
Number: 31
 
Color: Calico

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #105 on: October 31, 2013, 04:58:29 AM »
Oh god, I laughed so hard. Everyone gave me a funny look and had to wonder if I was alright :V Thankfully I'm not this way, but with a little imagination, I could see myself like that somehow.
...I better start practicing my EXTREME CLIFFDIVING, in preparation for year 62... er, 26? one of them.
Aristotle said "a friend to all is a friend to none."
Yang Wen-li of LoGH fame said "someone who cannot hate something cannot love something, either."
Well, a number of opposites makes mental analysis fun.
 
Future: You have schizophrenia. NO YOU DON'T. SUSAN DOES. But you're not letting it affect your life. YES YOU ARE THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. You wake up in the morning and are greeted at the fridge by a reminder that you scrawled the night before reminding you to pick up a birthday cake that the bakery is holding for you. YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT I DID. After having some delightful pancakes for breakfast WE HAD WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST FUCK PANCAKES WHAT THE SHIT DO THEY KNOW?! you hop into the shower FOR A BATH. After getting out to shave your face LEGS. SUSAN ISN'T LIKE AUNT BUNNY, you slip on you best pants and shirt BLOUSE and out the door DON'T FORGET TO LOCK IT OR SUSAN MIGHT BARGE IN. It's a beautiful day for a walk, and the sun HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES is beaming down on you YOU MEAN SUSAN?! Down the street you go on a pleasant walk WHY CAN'T WE TAKE THE CAR WE ARE TAKING THE CAR NOW to pick up the cake NO YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THAT JOKE PLEASE NO OH THANK YOU GOD. But before that, you go to the store to buy some fruit. Strawberries and oranges would make for great snacks this week. AND NOW AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL APPLE INSTITUTE: FUCK ORANGES. Then it's over to the bakery, which is only 5 buildings MILES down the street. You pick up the cake for your dear friend ME IT MUST BE ME. It's chocolate with extra chocolate frosting NO IT... WAIT YES WE AGREED ON THAT ONE OK NEVERMIND. After dropping the fruit off at home OR MAYBE IN THE ABANDONED HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET, you slip the cake into the backseat of your car HUMVEE and take it to your dear friend's house BY WHICH YOU MEAN YOU WANDERED AROUND THE YARD FOR AN HOUR. Once there, you carry the cake over and knock on your dear friend's doorBELL. The door is slowly opened up to reveal her OUR face. "Happy Birthday, Susan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME WOW CAKE?! NOM NOM NOM."
 
Death: You will fall off cliff to your doom and EAT AN ENTIRE BAG OF FROZEN SHRIMP WE HAVE A SEAFOOD ALLERGY AAAAH. You will perish at the age of 62 26 AAAAH
 
Last Words:  You will scream as you go over the cliff! "AAAAAH!" BUT THE SHRIMP ALLERGY WILL PARALYZE YOU AND YOU WILL SLUMP OVER AND GO "AAAAAH!"
 
Number: 78. THIRTY TWO.
 
Color: Blue. HOT PINK.

You know, even from the very first line, when I read THE SENTENCES LIKE THIS I couldn't help but hear it in Vicky's voice. That's a scary thing to think would be inside my head :ohdear: And I haven't seen that in ages! This whole series of events became about 500% more terrifying.

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #106 on: October 31, 2013, 06:09:14 PM »
I want in! :D
1.Tenshi
2.Hata no Kokoro
3.Remilia
4.Koishi
5.Satori
6.Ellen
7.Kana
8.Kogasa
9.Miko
10.Yumeko

Future: Dusk in the city. One by one, streetlights flicker to life. The streets are still packed with traffic and pedestrians crowd the sidewalks. Yet few dare to traverse the alleys around town. Those that do often run afoul of the worst the city has to offer. Yet again, an unfortunate soul, late to return home, crashes headlong into the local thugs. They close in, crude weapons drawn for intimidation. Within moments, she may be beaten or worse. Suddenly, a glint of light flashes, piercing the dark. In an instant, all the thugs are disarmed, and a figure emerges from the darkest night weilding a sword that catches the ambient light. One of the fools rushes towards the figure, only to have an X-shaped scar sliced into his forehead. He gets the message and the thugs flee the alley. The young woman summons her strength to thank her savior. The light from a streetlight catches his face. Before the young woman can speak, he says "Hey lady. I saved your life. Now give me all your cash!" You flail your sword around in the air and she screeches and flees home, but you don't give chase. Yes, it's tough being the greatest swordman to ever grace the western hemisphere, especially when you're unemployed. You emerge from the alley and the sandwich board you are wearing is illuminated. It reads "WILL SLAY EVIL FOR FOOD". It's quite unfortunate that you practiced your swordsmanship far more than you penmanship. If it looked professionally done, maybe it would've gotten some positive attention. Unfortunately, they make chicken scratches look like John Hancock's signature, and you just look like a nutter with a sword. It doesn't help that you use so much mousse (or what you tell people is mousse) that your hair sticks up in a dorky Yu-Gi-Oh-esque style. Yes, busking and performing on the streets is tough, but so are the times. Work as a chef didn't go so well after you got so knife happy that you cut plates in half. Then there was the time you tried to pass yourself off as a mohel, but that went south as soon as you drew the sword for the act. In the end, you couldn't live without the blade, but there are only so many enemies of righteousness left to thwart. At least cutting old cups of coffee and spent chewing gum gets the crowds going.                 
 
Death: As it turns out, the modern world also has little need for career archrivals. A lady pays a brooding, pretty boy assassin to kill you. You fend off a dozen of his underlings before being overwhelmed and slain by the archrival. You are slain at 34.
 
Last Words: "Thanks for the five bucks, ma'am. You do realize I died for this, right?" Even in death, you're still cocky yet polite.
 
Number: $107.40. That was a great day.
 
Color: Black
 
1. Hong Meiling
2. Marisa
3. Tenshi
4. Youmu
5. Yukari
6. Nue
7. Kanako
8. Shinki
9. Satori
10. Alice

Future: In the future, wars will not be fought with men alone. No. The drive for more powerful, intelligent, and agile weapons will give birth to a new age of war. Mecha piloted by humans roam the battlefield, taking all different shapes and sizes. With an arms race spiraling out of control and the greatest powers of the world endlessly sinking their resources into battle, one must emerge to put a stop to the threat - you. But what grand weapon do you wield? Is it a device of such incredible destructive power that it can lay waste to armies? Do you have the vox populi at your back, clamoring for a rebellion to overthrow the powers that started this struggle? Or simply the truth? Like the truth that dropping a colony on Sydney would probably be a bad day for everyone involved? No. What do you have that can crush armies and put an end to this cycle? Your fists. How will you do it? Simple. One man garners no attention in a world filled with giant robots. After years of wandering about, crushing enemy forces, you come to realize the folly of war, as does Great Leader. A secret plan is hatched for you to escort Great Leader across enemy lines to their presidential palace. With great skill, you punch 80 foot tall robots into scrap. All of this, of course, aided by the fact that robots of that size have an enormous about of weight being placed on their feet and you tend to punch them in the ankle. At last, you successfully escort Great Leader's limo, which is as long as a football field, to your greatest foe's sanctum. After agreeing to share the Skittles produced between both nations and splitting the merchandizing profits they'll make from giant robot toys, the peace deal is signed. You bear the honor of signing it as a witness to the event and... you crush the paper and table beneath it with the strength of your fist. Recogizing your strength, they decide to have you type your name onto the document, but the keyboard shatters. You destroy everything you touch with your hands, so both leaders get sick of trying and call in Barry the janitor to sign for you. Your signature makes it to the treaty and Barry is hanged for his treachery. Good job!
 
Death: A life spent punching giant nuclear-powered robots doesn't serve you well. The radiation gets to you and you contract cancer. However, it takes 27 different kinds to kill you at the age of 74.
 
Last Words: "Look! The east is burning red!"
 
Number: 9 knuckles used in each punch.
 
Color: Mother of pearl. Many bloodthirsty warmongers will meet their end at your hand with a similar phrase on their lips.
 
1.Yuuka
2.Mai
3.Yumemi
4.Cirno
5.Mugetsu
6.Seija
7.Yuki
8.Mamizou
9.Chen
10.Kurumi
If only it was top 20 . . .
If it were, I'd have a lot of difficulty tying 20 characters' personalities and defining traits together in order to form a short story. :getdown:
 
Future: It's winter. The bright, brisk day has finally given way to the cold, frozen night. A light snow begins to drift ever-so-gently to earth, powdering your neighborhood with a sheet of white that gleams in the moonlight. Ready for a weekend filled with snowy fun, you sneak up to bed while decked out in your favorite pair of footy pajamas; the one with cat ears on the hood and a big fluffy tail. You are 34 years old. Snuggly curled up in your bed, sleep claims you, and you drift deep into dreamland. As morning comes, your body awakens to greet the morning, but your mind does not. You sleepwalk out of your room, down the stairs, and even out the front door of your mother's house. Out you go, into an icy new world. You shuffle though the snow in front of your house, not paying any mind to the snow's biting cold because your kitty PJs perfectly insulate you from it. Into the street you go, completely ignorant of the poor road conditions and traffic around you. A Ford F-350 employed by the town to plow the roads catches a glimpse of you in your truly absentminded attempt to cross. Out of alarm, the driver slams on the brakes and attempts to veer out of the way, only to plow into the growing snowbank next to the street. The crash causes an 8 year old to cartwheel across his lawn, carving out an impromptu snow fort. His sister, a toddler, is tossed into the air, cleanly landing neck-deep in their snowman, which needed the head. Your perilous trek continues unabated down the streets of your neighborhood. Eventually, you reach the town pond. The local high school hockey team is lacing up, and you inadvertantly meander directly into one of their pairs of ice skates. You sidle across the ice only to be confused for one of the players. He attempts a high body check and he catches you right above the eye. The blow knocks your footied feet out of the skates, but the blow is so perfect that your body twists perfectly about your center, causing you to pull a 180 around your frontal plane, causing your hands to plant themselves in the skates. The handstand you've managed to pull off sticks, and momentum runs its course as you slowly make your way to the other side of the rink, your feet flailing about in the air the entire way. You collide with the snowbank on the far side, causing you to rotate right side up again, which deposits you back on your feet. Your direction reversed from your bizarre course, you slowly trundle home. With your journey complete, you slowly make your way upstairs and back into bed. You awaken refreshed two hours later with a dream you had about making out with a conveyor belt while locked in a refridgerator fading in the back of your mind, ready to enjoy a day frolicking in the snow.
 
Death: Mom gets sick of putting up with your crap when she's 103. She wishes to enjoy her recent retirement and refuses to feed you anymore, demanding you get a job. It doesn't work out. You perish at 74.
 
Last Words: A flurry of "I WANT POP-TARTS!"
 
Number: -2?C
 
Color: Snow white. A Snow White-themed pair of footie pajamas would be a good idea when you turn 50.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Sakurei

  • Banned
  • Frequently repeated unapologetic hostility
    • My Blog
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #107 on: November 01, 2013, 03:57:38 AM »
looked for something different, found this. seems silly.

1. Youmu
2. Flandre
3. Alice
4. Reimu
5. Eiki
6. Satori
7. Suwako
8. Chiyuri
9. Koishi
10. Remilia

Monkeypro257

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #108 on: November 01, 2013, 07:29:37 AM »
Future: It's winter. The bright, brisk day has finally given way to the cold, frozen night. A light snow begins to drift ever-so-gently to earth, powdering your neighborhood with a sheet of white that gleams in the moonlight. Ready for a weekend filled with snowy fun, you sneak up to bed while decked out in your favorite pair of footy pajamas; the one with cat ears on the hood and a big fluffy tail. You are 34 years old. Snuggly curled up in your bed, sleep claims you, and you drift deep into dreamland. As morning comes, your body awakens to greet the morning, but your mind does not. You sleepwalk out of your room, down the stairs, and even out the front door of your mother's house. Out you go, into an icy new world. You shuffle though the snow in front of your house, not paying any mind to the snow's biting cold because your kitty PJs perfectly insulate you from it. Into the street you go, completely ignorant of the poor road conditions and traffic around you. A Ford F-350 employed by the town to plow the roads catches a glimpse of you in your truly absentminded attempt to cross. Out of alarm, the driver slams on the brakes and attempts to veer out of the way, only to plow into the growing snowbank next to the street. The crash causes an 8 year old to cartwheel across his lawn, carving out an impromptu snow fort. His sister, a toddler, is tossed into the air, cleanly landing neck-deep in their snowman, which needed the head. Your perilous trek continues unabated down the streets of your neighborhood. Eventually, you reach the town pond. The local high school hockey team is lacing up, and you inadvertantly meander directly into one of their pairs of ice skates. You sidle across the ice only to be confused for one of the players. He attempts a high body check and he catches you right above the eye. The blow knocks your footied feet out of the skates, but the blow is so perfect that your body twists perfectly about your center, causing you to pull a 180 around your frontal plane, causing your hands to plant themselves in the skates. The handstand you've managed to pull off sticks, and momentum runs its course as you slowly make your way to the other side of the rink, your feet flailing about in the air the entire way. You collide with the snowbank on the far side, causing you to rotate right side up again, which deposits you back on your feet. Your direction reversed from your bizarre course, you slowly trundle home. With your journey complete, you slowly make your way upstairs and back into bed. You awaken refreshed two hours later with a dream you had about making out with a conveyor belt while locked in a refridgerator fading in the back of your mind, ready to enjoy a day frolicking in the snow.
 
Death: Mom gets sick of putting up with your crap when she's 103. She wishes to enjoy her recent retirement and refuses to feed you anymore, demanding you get a job. It doesn't work out. You perish at 74.
 
Last Words: A flurry of "I WANT POP-TARTS!"
 
Number: -2?C
 
Color: Snow white. A Snow White-themed pair of footie pajamas would be a good idea when you turn 50.

That was interesting . . .  :colonveeplusalpha:

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #109 on: November 04, 2013, 10:15:53 PM »
Pardon the delay for anyone still hanging in here. I just finished monthly reports, have two ongoing mentorships, and a busy life outside of that.
Why not, I guess.
1. Ran Yakumo
2. Momiji Inubashiri
3. Lily White
4. Mystia Lorelei
5. Tokiko
6, Mokou, Fujiwara no
7. Suwako Moriya
8. Iku Nagae
9. Hatate Himekaidou
10. Suika Ibuki

Future: Being transmogrified into a fox due to contrived storytelling purposes wasn't so bad. It was being mistaken for a dog and stuffed into a cage at a pet store that was. You're a unique specimen there and are often trotted out to play with others in the store window. Before long, you've had enough with being the pet store's chew toy. Even the chew toys are treated less like chew toys. It doesn't take long before you strike up conversation with the other poor sods in the store. The dog is serving hard time for biting his master. Two lovebirds have been here for as long as they can remember, and the macaw has been here for an eternity. Many of the others have similar stories, and you all want one common thing - out. Before long, the entire pet store is helping to hatch a plan to escape. At night, you open the door to your cage you tricked the store personnel into thinking was locked. One by one, you release your comrades from their prisons replete with fake wood stumps, hamster wheels, and water dishes. Soon, every last creature is helping another to escape. Except the fish doesn't do jack squat because he's a fish. The locked door and your only ticket to freedom is another matter, however. A frog volunteers to zap it with his tongue. After struggling with the poor bastard's tongue for twenty minutes, you successfully divorce the keys from their sticky prison. The macaw swoops to the door and cracks it open. The former denizens of the pet store escape into the night. Your only regret is that those who locked you up weren't around for a heel-nipping, but that would've made this glorious night impossible.
   
...That wasn't very amusing! Let's keep trying! With you and your friends free, you part ways. Trying to find your way back home, you find a highway and head in its general direction. You attempt to hitchhike but have trouble since you don't have any opposable thumbs. And are a fox. The police take notice, however, and attempt to arrest you for hitchhiking on an interstate highway. After a brief chase worthy of a 20 million hit youtube video, they manage to nab you. Their cuffs are too big for your foxy wrists and fall off, so they cram you into their car for resisting arrest as well. After the most adorable mug shot ever, they throw you in jail. Now you're right back where you started, but with a cage that has 50 times as much space. You are given your phone call, but it's damn hard to punch in numbers on a phone with paws. You inadvertently call an inebriated liquor store owner. "HELLO THIS IS FOX" you say, but the person who answers thinks its a prank call and hangs up. Despondent, you slowly drag yourself back to your cell and one of the police officers on duty takes pity on you. You are adopted and soon brought to your new home. After a week of pure bliss, your new master carts you off to meet a man in a lab coat who puts you under anesthetic. You wake up a few hours later and "WHERE THE FUCK DID MY BITS GO?!"
 
Spoiler:
Please adopt and have your pet spayed or neutered!

Death: 12 isn't bad for a fox.
 
Last Words: What sound does a fox make? Your last words were 12 years ago.
 
Number: 800.
 
Color: I would say orange but hell if I know if your brain can even register such colors.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Edible

  • One part the F?hrer, one part the Pope
  • *
  • It's the inevitable return, baby
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #110 on: November 04, 2013, 10:17:57 PM »

Dormio Ergo Sum

  • MotK's Official Idlebot
  • *
  • I don't bite... much.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #111 on: November 04, 2013, 11:23:36 PM »
After a brief chase worthy of a 20 million hit youtube video, they manage to nab you.
I'm (going to be) famous!

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #112 on: November 05, 2013, 05:51:57 PM »
1. Suika
2. Satori
3. Sanae
4. Keine
5. Mokou
6. Orin
7. Cirno
8. Tewi
9. Yukari
10. Kokoro

Future: After getting fired from your job for photocopying your butt and faxing it to the CEO one too many times, you go down to the local watering hole to drown your sorrows. After about 6 or 7 too many screwdrivers that may or may not have been watered down with turpentine, you make a vain attempt to make for the bathroom before you unlunch yourself. Stumbling into the bathroom, you throw your hand onto a stranger's shoulder to crutch yourself. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and you witness a child's birth, him aging to the point of middle school where he confesses to his first crush, his graduation from college, his first attempt to skinny-dip into Lake Ontario on a February morning, and his attempt to kiss his wife that wound up with him locking lips with a car battery. This man's face matches the one who's shoulder you grabbed as you somehow managing to make out some very vague details amongst your blurry drunk-o-vision. But the vision doesn't stop there. This man walks out of a bathroom only to be struck by a vehicle. The discovery hits you like a week-long hangover: You possess the power to see into a person's past and future by touching them when extraordinarily inebriated. After ruining the man's footwear with what was left from your Easy-Mac microwaveable macaroni and cheese lunch, you leer at him for a brief period. "Egg salad sandwich!" you exclaim. Disgusted with your actions, he runs out of the bar and into the street where he is struck by a truck carrying chickens, celery, and mayonnaise. The truck then veers into a bakery selling bread and explodes upon collision. The vision became real despite your extraordinarily poor warning.
 
Vowing to try to use your gift to help people, you continue to try again. The ability you possess fills you with an immense amount of curiosity and a desire to change their future. However, because you need more Jack Daniels in your system than, well, Jack Daniels, you really only go about the streets in a perpetually drunken stupor touching complete strangers inappropriately before shouting at them. No one seems to be heeding your warnings, though screaming at a bunch of twentysomethings that they'll all DIIEEE of NATURALL CAUUSSSESS when surrounded by LOOOOVED ONES at a RIPE OLD AAAAAGE really doesn't get you much of anywhere. You do successfully warn an Alaskan resident not to go outside to pee on the coldest day the place has seen in 35 years. You also prevent Annie from hooking up with that asshole Mark. Ultimately, however, your successes never catch up to your failures, and you ultimately retire from the fortune telling schtick. You go to drown your sorrows with enough bottles of beer to make up an extraordinarily annoying song. After praying to the porcelain gods, you wash your face, only to have a vision of yourself getting pelted in the head with a can of pineapples for wearing a Hawaiian shirt in Moscow. You immediately return to active duty.
 
Death: Liver failure at 58. Your liver is almost solely comprised of alcohol at the time of death that it's actually a flammability risk. The lady performing your autopsy notes the alcohol content of your liver. She takes part of it home and puts it to good use by using it to strip the old paint off of her old worn window frames.
 
Last Words: "Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!"
 
Number: 8/10
 
Color: You know that way things look when you close your eyes real tight and rub them for a long time? You wind up with that weird psychedelic pattern and colors, right? That.
 
Now take yer two-bit copy-paste abilities and get outta my office! I'll sue!
 
  • Shinki
  • Sariel
  • Marisa
  • Alice
  • Sakuya
  • Eirin
  • Byakuren
  • Ran
  • Meiling
  • Keine

Future: At last, your copy of Allianceleague of Herodungeonmasters XVIII Ultraspecial Maniacollector's Edition has arrived! After a boatload of min/maxing, you finally create a battlemage with feats, skills, abilities, stats, histories, and talents that provide boosts to exotic weapons, magic, and animal husbandry. You are Iliana fon Angelisti-(fuckin' character limit!), and you begin your quest with the titles Master Magician, Keeper of All Time, Creator of Realms, Saint Beyond the Veil of Existence, Saver of Humens, and Part-Time Ventriloquist. Despite your titles, you are a mere child whose mother wakes you up one morning and sends you to the King of Town. You find that you can only walk directly north, south, east, and west, and must input a special command in order to be able to ascend a frikkin' flight of stairs. You greet the king, who blurts out several paragraphs of exposition about world decay and an evil invasion that got out of hand DECADES ago without him raising so much as an infantryman against it. Or any other king for that matter. Anyhow, evil overlords need a whuppin', and the king sends you out to your certain doom to save the world from all evil with only the clothes on your back, a pointed stick, and 10G to your name. He's also too lazy to spare the taxi cab fair to reach the next town. You go out into the world and pass out from the severity of the wounds you acquire from direwolves, slimes, and madponies, only to wake the next morning in an inn, perfectly healed from injuries that should have a 6 month recovery time. But you're still hungry. The one who saved you was a healer who made the magic healing sheets found at every inn the world over. She's also your first party member.

Slowly, you garner your party: A legendary healer, a sealed saint, a loyal retainer, a kung-fu master, and your high school guidance counselor. You travel to many towns with poorly thought out layouts. You visit stores with exorbitantly priced weapons and armor (which are all of a slightly higher quality than the last place you visited) despite being in desperate need to fight the forces of darkness. You frequently steal useless items you find in their dresser drawers that have no business being in there in the first place. Satisfied with your petty theft as recompense for being overcharged at the local stores and throwing yourself into a dozen life-threatening quests for the sake of the locals, you continue on your way until you are ready for the final confrontation with evil.

Despite the small fortune the Ultimate Evil must pay in property taxes each year, he's got a huge place. After spending more than 2 hours wandering about the place and solving 3 puzzles that help access the Ultimate Evil's throne room, treasure room, and kitchenette, you reach the roof where he just happens to be hiding out. He lectures you and your friends for a full 10 minutes. Once finished, all of your friends have a hopeful and uplifting counterpoint to make. Your own involves you nodding and gesturing a lot, but you don't actually speak. Everyone seems to know what the hell you're 'talking' about anyway. After that's finished, you start to fight on the roof of the grand palace. He's formidable, but not nearly as formidable as he would be if he didn't leave his friends to guard isolated corners of his palace, granting you the opportunity to fight them one-by-one instead of all at the same time. After a minor amount of difficulty, he lets out a cry. He then grows an angel wing, some tentacles, a giant sword 3 times the size of him, some horns, an eclectic selection of mythological beasts, and the entire London Philharmonic Choir, which is a good thing because the orchestra showed up as well and decided to practice while you all were going to decide the fate of the universe. After destroying the mythical beasts, you come face to faces with the true form of the Ultimate Evil. Desperate, he unleashes his ultimte attack. You pause during the 3 minute and 37 second attack animation to check a walkthrough online only to find out that it only damages you for a certain percentage of your current HP and inflicts status effects that you've long since gained immunity to. You soon steamroll the Ultimate Evil's stupid face.

You return home, lauded as heroes. The King of Town gives you his thanks and nothing else despite how many times you dragged yourself back to town with lacerations, blunt force trauma, and pancreatic cancer. In the end, you save a total of 204 NPCs from destruction. The party splits up and everyone says they'll keep in touch somehow but you're not really interested in your boring old guidance counselor anyhow, especially since she was only in your party during required story segments. You then get a brief cutscene with the person you spent romancing through 8 hours worth of sidequests. They walk over to you and peck you on the cheek. THE END.

Death: 90 hours of gameplay. Thank goodness you milked those sidequests for all they were worth.
 
Last Words: You're a silent protagonist! You don't need words to make friends or even save kingdoms!
 
Numbers: 1, 2, and 3, by which I mean 1, 4, and 6.
 
Color: Whether hero or heroine, the leader of the team always wears red.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Edible

  • One part the F?hrer, one part the Pope
  • *
  • It's the inevitable return, baby
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #113 on: November 05, 2013, 06:41:58 PM »
and the entire London Philharmonic Choir, which is a good thing because the orchestra showed up as well

Sephilharmonic Orchestroth

Zengar Zombolt

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #114 on: November 05, 2013, 09:01:52 PM »
outdone yourself you have. Amazing.

trancehime

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #115 on: November 06, 2013, 01:55:36 AM »
Color: Whether hero or heroine, the leader of the team always wears red.

Where I come from, red is a lucky color :moogy:

Also, King of Town is stingy  :(

outdone yourself you have. Amazing.

man. reddyne has been on a roll for the past readings!

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #116 on: November 06, 2013, 03:08:18 AM »
Please tell me this thread is going in Daiyousei's right after. :derp:


teets mi hao 2 2hu teets mi teets mi hao 2 2hu

Edible

  • One part the F?hrer, one part the Pope
  • *
  • It's the inevitable return, baby
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #117 on: November 06, 2013, 03:09:23 AM »
Please tell me this thread is going in Daiyousei's right after. :derp:

Off course.

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #118 on: November 06, 2013, 03:36:33 AM »
1. Yuuka
2. Chen
3. Youmu
4. Patchouli
5. Marisa
6. Yuyuko
7. Seija
8. Seiga
9. Cirno
10. Merlin P.
The ultimate joke would be making Wriggle an EX Boss, but there being a game-breaking bug in her final spellcard that made it impossible to catch.

Think about it for a second...

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #119 on: November 06, 2013, 05:04:43 AM »
Now take yer two-bit copy-paste abilities and get outta my office! I'll sue!
My... my. Thank you for tohouroscope, the wise one :3 ^___^