I finally got my paper on US history involving Cirno written. Here it is:
How might US history have been different if Cirno had filled the role of various presidents, key political figures, or just other people doing real dumb things, throughout our history? Well let?s find out. On July 4, 1776, the Declaration of Ice Fairy Independence was ratified. When King George saw this, he was furious. ?How can something that doesn?t even exist get mentioned in such an important document, ESPECIALLY when it dares to threaten treason to the king of England?!? he shouted. He didn?t realize that such a thing as an ice fairy was real. But he was about to find out, in a strange way. The declaration called for ice fairies to rise up against the king. And they did. There never was a war. Rather, Cirno herself flew across the Atlantic Ocean to England. She then froze the king in a block of ice. He froze to death instantly. She quickly made her way back to the colonies in America to tell of this story, but in the process she had to go bathroom, and pooped out a huge iceberg. Upon impact in the ocean it sent a massive tsunami that washed a hundred miles inland killing half of the colonists. ?Woops, I guess that was dumb of me,? she said. This was her first act of stupidity. On April 30, 1789, she was elected president. How she got elected president, nobody knows. Her first act as president was to go around to all the people in the colonies and offer them free ice cr?me cones which she made herself using her powers. She really didn?t do anything important as president, so that?s why American history book writers made up George Washington so the great embarrassment she caused the country wouldn?t be written into history books. After John Adams became president she decided to go off and work on a plantation. Why she chose a life as a slave, nobody knows. This is the second of her great acts of stupidity. In fact it was on Thomas Jefferson?s plantation Monticello. You often hear about the relationship Jefferson had with Sally Hemings, but it was actually a threesome that also included Cirno herself. She later gave birth to a human and ice fairy hybrid. Jefferson was shocked by this strange creature and killed it. That?s why nobody ever found out until recently during an archaeological expedition at Monticello. As she is immortal, she has lived throughout all history in the US. She originally wrote the Emancipation Proclamation, not Lincoln. But it was so botched up that President Lincoln had to rewrite it from scratch. In fact this made her so angry she used her powers to freeze Lincoln. She ran the country up until the time ?Lincoln? was shot. Really, after she froze him, she hired a lookalike actor during public performances to stand in for President Lincoln. The truth was about to come out, so Cirno had this lookalike assassinated in Ford?s Theater to give a reason for a dead president, to end any possible speculation about the ?president?s? fate. She seemed to disappear for a time, from public view but then reappeared during the late 1920s. One day after eating some lunch she went to the New York Stock Exchange, to get some tickertape for a party she wanted to hold with some of her friends back in Gensokyo. She had found a way back to her world recently and was getting homesick. But as she tried to open up a tickertape machine to steal the tape, she accidentally dropped it. It landed on a wire powering the stock tracking machines, shorting them out. This malfunction was corrected after a couple hours of repair. Unfortunately the damage had been done. Many transactions weren?t accounted for in that time period, and the market crashed. That was her third great act of stupidity. This happened in October of 1929. On January 20, 1969, she was again elected president. However she needed an adviser to help in presidential matters, so she hired Richard Nixon. As she stayed in the Whitehouse doing presidential paperwork, she had Nixon often actually speak at gatherings where she was supposed to attend. People saw her so infrequently that many forgot about her and came to believe Nixon was president. She even had him hire thugs to break into the Watergate building to steal documents which included information on over 9000 dumb things she had done (though each of these was less stupid than her so far 3 great acts of stupidity). This break in wasn?t covered up very well though, and as a result there was a huge investigation. Just when they were about to discover her part in the break in plot, Nixon (as her trusted adviser) went around and planted evidence leading back to him. He ultimately was impeached, and then resigned before the trial could be completed. She herself left after that for fear her involvement would be discovered. Moving forward to the most modern time period, we can see how her stupidity played a role in the past decade. On January 20, 2001, George W. Bush was elected as president. However because he preferred to do nonpresidential stuff like going golfing, he hired Cirno to fill in for him when he was gone. She wasn?t very good at being a backup for him though. She completely missed obvious signs that Al Qaeda terrorists were itching for a fight. Due to her complete incompetence, on September 11, 2001, the largest terrorist attack ever on American soil was carried out. This was her fourth great act of stupidity. In 2003, the president decided it was time she tried her hands at some more military intelligence analysis. In her conclusion she decided that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. This is how the Iraq War really started. This was her fifth great act of stupidity. Throughout US history she blundered along, often making the country worse for it too. However when Barack Obama became president he finally had her captured and killed using a special technique that is needed to kill immortal fairies. Although some Republicans believe that she still, possibly through her spirit, is guiding the current president too, into doing things such as the economic stimulus and the healthcare reform law. However as a Touhou fan I can certainly feel her spirit whenever I play a Touhou game.
