Things not to do if you do not want to not piss me off

[Tengukami]

"It looks like this is going to take longer than I anticipated - we'll have to redownload the XP installer CD.  Since that might take some time, I'll have to make a project of it.  When's your boss free to discuss this?"

This is pretty hilarious.

[Hello Purvis]

I hate Solitaire so much. It makes me cry when I see someone playing it :ohdear:

My grans use their laptop almost exclusively for Soltaire. They have like 15000 games recorded.

[DX7.EP]

I hate Solitaire so much. It makes me cry when I see someone playing it :ohdear:

It's very strange that my dad uses an old 2003 Toshiba laptop for mostly Spider Solitaire when he says it's for offline backup of sensitive data (wifi is fried and ethernet is unresponsive on that system).

My grans use their laptop almost exclusively for Soltaire. They have like 15000 games recorded.

Holy moly....

Hate it when people ask me about technical requests. There are a few that I don't mind about (usually those on blue chip investment or buying tips), but most of the time they come along the form of "how do I install software XYZ" or especially "I HATE MY WINDOWS [due to my user stupidity], HELP ME GO MAC!!!111!".

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

 :] My Outlook is disconnected.  I already closed and reopened it and restarted my computer.
  And when you restarted, it completely powered off and back on?  Not just logged off and back on?
:] Right.
Okay, when you right-click on where it says Disconnected, does Work Offline have a check mark?
:] It doesn't.
Okay, let me have you go to Start, then Shut down.
:] And then click on Restart
It'll take a few minutes... my computer's really old, I'm supposed to get a new one soon.
:] (Clicking on the call start time to ensure I get all the minutes) That's fine.
(15 minutes later) How's it looking?  Are we rebooted?
:] ... just about to get into Outlook... (crestfallen voice) and it's working.
:smug: Glad to hear it.

[helvetica]

I told this guy to restart his machine like 12 times, he kept on insisting he did it already and it wouldn't work blah blah blah (there's a policy update for accessing certain network resources and it didn't go through).  After shouting and assuring me it wasn't going to work, about 5 minutes later, silence, then click.

:smug:

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

"You already restarted?  OK, let me just remote out to check your patch level."

>Remote out
>Start -> Run -> cmd
>systeminfo
>System Up Time or System Boot Time

"So, you see this line here that shows when your machine was booted, and how it reads about three days old?"

Problem, lying end-user?

[Drake]

So I was about to go to sleep last night at like 3:30. Get into bed.

 :derp: Keith are you awake?
 :X no what do you want
 :derp: This thing just popped up on the computer.
 :X fuck
(Get up, go look at computer)
(Fake malware shit all over the fucking place)
 :X how did this happen
 :derp: It just popped up out of nowhere
 :X that doesn't happen unless it's been hiding and there is no way malware has kept itself hidden for two days (since I last checked up)
 :derp: (staring at screen blankly)
 :X Get out of the chair this might take a while.
(task manager disabled, reenable it, end processes, run mbam, delete some registry entries, look for files on computer)
(mbam finds 1294387193161 registry entries altered)
 :X So it looks like it popped up while you were using IE.
(while dad isn't looking open browsing history, nothing but homepage)
 :X Ok so I'm just going to check randomly over here...
(open temp internet files)

(porn site cookies everywhere)

[helvetica]

Yeah don't remind me of the time I found a bunch of porn tags from Danbooru on my little brother's PC.  Turns out it was druggie brother's friend would come over while we're all at work and get on their PC and >______<;;

I'll have to give you guys transcripts of some of my weirder calls and interactions when I worked call support at Verizon and retail PC monkey at Circuit City.

[Nobu]

Yeah don't remind me of the time I found a bunch of porn tags from Danbooru on my little brother's PC.  Turns out it was druggie brother's friend would come over while we're all at work and get on their PC and >______<;;

Remind me never to let you go through my PC. :derp:

[Sefam]

Yeah don't remind me of the time I found a bunch of porn tags from Danbooru on my little brother's PC.  Turns out it was druggie brother's friend would come over while we're all at work and get on their PC and >______<;;

I'll have to give you guys transcripts of some of my weirder calls and interactions when I worked call support at Verizon and retail PC monkey at Circuit City.

uuuuuu awkwaaaarrrddddd!

That's why I never let anyone use my PC when I'm not around D8

Remind me never to let you go through my PC. :derp:

That too!

[HakureiSM]

Remind me never to let you go through my PC. :derp:

:derp: :fail: :derp:

[Solais]

And that's why you should disable cookies when you're looking at pornsites. And have AdBlock. And Spybot. And a legal copy of Kaspersky. :V

[Suikama]

Remind me never to let you go through my PC. :derp:

:derp: :fail: :derp:

:colbert:

[Omba]

Remind me never to let you go through my PC. :derp:

Remind me to warn you against going through my PC unless you have the brain-bleach ready. :V

[An Odd Sea Slug]

There are reasons why I don't allow people to use my PC when I'm not looking (if I can help it). It helps that they know I can easily be driven to a homicidal rage on pretty much anything regarding it. These people can't even tell the difference between closing a single tab and the entire web-browser. Walking disasters they are. Mother somehow managed to kill an Opera session at least once. With tabs I REALLY needed open at that. Going through the history to get them back was not fun. And because they're too inept to use anything other than Internet Explorer, I have to clean this thing off every time they get off.

[Byaaakuren]

I'm so glad my parents don't know how to use a computer. ...I don't think I want them looking at what I have. I don't really feel comfortable letting other people use my electronics (except for my phone...as long it's to make a phone call), with the exception of some people.

[Alice★f]

 :derp: Hey Virus that msconfig thing you did the other day fucked up my computer.
 :V Huhwhat
 :derp: When I turn on the computer, it says Installing Updates but it never finishes
 :V Hmm, that's strange
 :derp: It goes 0% and then it just stops
 :V Your computer crashes?
 :derp: No, it just takes me to the password thing.
 :V Oh. That's normal then.
 :derp: It's happened twice already, it's not! I changed it back to what I used to have.
*Boots Computer
 :V Dude, don't do that! This thing is absurdly slow now. (He reenabled EVERYTHING in MSCONFIG and now the laptop is sluggish as hell.)
Anyway, once your computer's finished booting let me find out what's going on.

*Five minutes later.

 :derp: Oh you were right. The Update thing didn't pop up this time. Well I forgot how to change the startup thing, so can y--
 :V  Done. Don't mess around with the startup again.

[Jes_Isaive]

These people can't even tell the difference between closing a single tab and the entire web-browser.

This. This a thousand times. How people can't manage to see the difference between them I will never know. It even asks if you want to close the tab, or if you want to close everything.

[DX7.EP]

Time to describe more adventures in shitty tech support!

:ohdear: Hey EP I installed this Anti-Virus and shit, and my computer lags like hell, help plz
:V Em...okay.
:derp: I think it's due to malware, and AV program tells me to pay for updated definitions ~
:V OK then. I'll see what I can do about it....

* EP patches system in 5 minutes after removing "antivirus" software which was really malware

:V There you have it. Need detai ~
:getdown: YESYESYESYESYES ~
:V So what I did was remove that "antivirus" software that was causing the issues becau ~
WTF MATE I'M VULNERABLE TO MALWARE NOW HOW COULD YOU ~ !!!#!
Eh...I'll see you another time, then.

* a few days later *

...yeah, so I protected myself with a different one and I'm still having problems!
:ohdear: ...:flamingv: ... :getdown:

Incident #2:

:derp: EP! I hate my old PC, I NEED a Mac! Which one fits me best? I CAN'T STAND THIS PLASTIC POS!
Eh...first of all, tell me why you need a Mac. You know, it's not for every ~
:V BECAUSE EVERYONE knows Macs have no viruses, are stupidly simple to use, are super-glossy and shiny, and are so damn AWESOME! Why else would you think people go for that system?
...yeah, of course, but this is all advertising. Trust me, I'm a long-time Mac user, and really, it's not an everyman's system. Any other specific reasons?
:derp: ...I dunno what you're asking here, what other reasons could there be for Mac OS?
:V In that case, how about turning your Windows to a minimalist ~
NONONONONOONONO ~
...or there's always Ubuntu or Linux Mint, which are easy ~
WHAT?! That's, like, COMMAND TERMINAL STUFF! Too hard!
Then I'll take you to the Ubuntu site ~
BITCH I DON'T WANT DOS PROMPTS
Well then! I guess you ARE happy on your Windows POS which came about as a result of your user stupidity!
WHAT?! MSFT caused this problem!
:moogy: Tell me, then, what did you normally do on this system?
:blush: Um...I downloaded 450 screensavers, got myself 40 toolbars for IE, and torrented 2000-ish movies, games, and even a little bit of ani ~
:yumemi: Eh...that explains it. That is all. :smug: :dealwithit:

[Udongein]

This thread reminds me so much of this website so much.

I'd hate to work in Tech Support, though. How are you guys still sane? :V

[Thata no Guykoro]

Personally it reminds me of this site as well. :V

[Drake]

goddamn it remind me to never click that link again i just spent like an hour there

[Yakitori]

goddamn it remind me to never click that link again i just spent like an hour there

I know right? It might even be worse than going through the whole Engrish dot com Archive. :V

[InfernalExuro]

Oh lord, the fake antivirus things. I don't know how long I've spent cleaning those damn things off my little brother's laptop. And to think my old man was about to put his credit card information into the prompt the first time he mentioned something about it to me...

[helvetica]

LOL so this guy has been emailing me all week when can I help him with his machine.  I tell him every single time just call me when he's ready and gave him my office hours, I do not know my day-to-day schedule so I can't just block time off.  He keeps on sending me emails wondering when I'm going to call him.  I reiterate that I work from x to y, and to call me when you're ready.

He's now sending me an appointment invite, my attendance REQUIRED, saying the following:

Guys,

I've been in my home office all week, and I have not been able to work with IT to get my new ThinkPad up and running.

I'm out of the office all next week....so, it's either Friday or wait another week or longer.  I'm fine with using my old computer...so I really don't have an issue with this.

If <me> cannot make this meeting, then please find someone that can help.

Thanks,
<moron>

Dude... what part of CALL ME DON'T YOU GET.  I do not have a set schedule, I merely handle calls as they come to me.  I talk to 40-50 different people a day.  I cannot drop everything and call you, I don't know if I'm going to be on call or if I'll have something else I'm doing.  The easiest, and by far the fastest, way to get this all handled is to simply call me.  Either I'm on a call, I get your number and call you back right after, or I'm not on a call and I stop what I'm doing now and help you.  I cannot just block x hours out of my day and play phone tag and call you.  Hell I probably wouldn't even remember to, let alone be able to.

I love how he's implying that I'm ignoring him.  No dumbshit, I've told you from the start TO CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE READY.  You don't call me, I don't help you.  Simple as that.  Jesus Christ people do not listen.  I am the ONLY person here who handles support calls, noone else.  There isn't anyone else to help and I don't have the time or the patience to try to block out x time in my schedule to drop everything and call someone.

Fuck, I don't even know if I'm going to get a lunch break, let alone when.  I can't just block out 2 hours and make a promise to call him when I know I can't keep it.

[Hello Purvis]

Holy moly....

Just checked it. It's currently at 35475. A couple more are being added as I type.

[DX7.EP]

Just checked it. It's currently at 35475. A couple more are being added as I type.

What is this I don't even ~ ...are those systems running Win95 or something along the sort as well? Because then we'd have nothing but dedicated solitaire machines....

They better be playing Vegas style at least :colonveeplusalpha:

[Hello Purvis]

What's Vegas style? I am not a solitairologist.

[DX7.EP]

What's Vegas style? I am not a solitairologist.

Neither am I...it is an alternate form of scoring. More (or too many) details here.

Also after reading up on Windows' Solitaire history that record had to be on Vista or 7, since those versions allow for statistics tracking. In which case...even more shock...35K+ games since 2007 at earliest?!

Time to move them over to FreeCell ~ oh wait, then they'll try to solve all one million and four combinations even though some of them are impossible....

[Thata no Guykoro]

Neither am I...it is an alternate form of scoring. More (or too many) details here.

Also after reading up on Windows' Solitaire history that record had to be on Vista or 7, since those versions allow for statistics tracking. In which case...even more shock...35K+ games since 2007 at earliest?!

Time to move them over to FreeCell ~ oh wait, then they'll try to solve all one million and four combinations even though some of them are impossible....

Actually I'm pretty sure it's been proven that all but one of them are possible. Not counting games -1 and -2. :V