Pesco and Serpentarius (Season 1)

[helvetica]

This thread is for the lovely lady Pesco to resist the gentleman's charm of Sir Serpentarius.

[Serp]

Oh, Pesco, you poor, doomed soul.  The RNG must hate you, for you have been paired with the very paragon of manliness and domination.  Had you been matched with anyone else, I would have given you good odds to come out of this courting ritual victorious, but alas!  Serpentarius is your suitor and opponent.  Surrender now, or else my ravishing of you shall be so complete that not even Roukanken will recognize you well enough to shed girly tears over your exhausted form!

[Pesco]

(OOC: This is an excellent match for personal reasons. Let's entertain her to the best of our abilities.)

Rou has no need to shed tears for me because I am worthy of them.

But you. Can you even afford lobola?

[Serp]

(OOC:  Quite an ironic result, yes.  I could hardly have been given a more amusing choice of partner.)

Hah!  My lobola to you shall be a lifetime supply of Preparation H - a steep brideprice indeed, with the fate that awaits you at my hands, but it is well within my means to provide.  Doubt not my ability to support you, for you shall live as a queen under my dominion!  I will build for you a life size replica of Eietei, you shall subsist on a diet of the finest carrots and carrot juice, and servants shall scour the internets for you every evening to deliver the classiest of Touhou pr0nz.  During the day, all your desires shall be met, and during the night, I assure you that you will be well occupied!

[Pesco]

You're so on the wrong continent. What the hell are carrots? We don't get those out in the savannah. And your lobola offering is too cheap to even consider. You really didn't know what it is.

I'll give you another chance. How big is your kraal? How many bulls in your herd?

(Judges: Can we bring in props (like 3rd party cameos)?)

[helvetica]

If they're also a contestant, no.  Otherwise PM me your idea and I'll inspect it.

[Pesco]

While you were off obviously unable to produce evidence of your homestead, I have consulted the sangoma and this is what the spirits have told me


Even the ancestors doubt you. Since you're still out there playing with your calves, you can try bring me the Big 5, then you might be worthy of facing the trials.

[Serp]

I assure you, my calves are quite fine - and I have a good herd of cattle as well.  I accept your challenge, and I shall retrieve for you the Big 5.  Your ancestors, wary as they are of an outsider like myself, may be hesitant to recognize my prowess, but I assure you that you will never be courted my a more able hunter.

Now, I am uncertain of which Big 5 you speak of, but around these parts, the great beasts we recognize are the cat, the fox, the rabbit, the hakutaku hakutaku, and the fatty.  Will this be acceptable?

[Pesco]

It is quite obvious to me that you do not know anything of my culture. There is only one kind of Big 5 and it is


Since you fail to bring me the Big 5, you are not worthy of even hearing the terms of the challenge.

[Serp]

You only require 380 Rand to consider me as a suitor?  That's not even $60.  You put far too low a price on your virtue, Pesco - I'll gladly double that price and take any challenge you name!

[Pesco]

You take monetary value too literally. To conquer me, you need to master wealth and the great beasts of the land. That was the purpose of the dual representation.

Tell me, izinyoka, what is the story of procreation of this land?

[Serp]

There are many stories that have been told about the creation of the land, and how people came to live there.  I've heard one in particular about a snake.  Now, this particular snake might have been called Tharu, or Thware, or Hlathu, depending on who you ask, and to hear the story told, he must have had some major psychological issues.  Not that that's is part of the story.  I'm just reaching my own conclusions here.  After all, why else would he split himself in two?  Maybe he had a secret ambition to be a worm.

In any case, this snake split himself in two, and named one half Touhou Thoho, and the other, Tshamutshila.  This splitting process gave the two new snakes a bad case of the munchies, and so they went off in different directions to go look for food.  Tshamutshila found a nearby town, and because he was such a sexy beast, like all snakes, he was immensely popular with the ladies.  He took a bunch of wives, built and filled a tremendous kraal, gave birth to numerous children, and became the chieftain of his own tribe.

They say that it's to this snake that the people of that region owe their heritage.  As to why he's not around anymore, supposedly his twin, Thoho, took another tactic to get fed.  He, like many cold-blooded folks in the present day, realized that you can earn more with song and dance than with the sweat of your brow.  He became an entertainer.  I imagine it must have created quite a stir - look at the uproar over Elvis's pelvic gyrations, and imagine how much worse it'd have been if he were a snake.

Anyway, his tour finally took him to the village where his twin, Tshamutshila, ruled.  Tshamutshila didn't want to go out and see his twin perform (maybe Tharu's psychological issue had been self-loathing?), but eventually his numerous wives managed to persuade him... by one method or another.  Yet as soon as the two snake-halves saw each other, they were drawn back together, and they formed back into Tharu.  Perhaps figuring that his days as a chieftain and as an entertainer were both over, the snake slithered back into the woods, and in this language we now refer to him as the python.

Now, the peoples of your land have a proper respect for the snake.  Those who do not revere it live in fear of it.  The former, at least, are likely to trace their beginnings to it, and I'm sure that this is not the only such story.  That you call me izinyoka implies that you had such a story in mind.  Is this it?

[Pesco]

Erm no.

The Origins of Procreation

Long ago a man and a woman came down from heaven, while another man and woman came out of the ground. The Lord of Heaven also sent a python, the non-poisonous snake, which made its home in a river. In the beginning men and women had no children, they had no desire for one another and did not know the process of procreation and birth. It was the Python who taught them. He asked the men and women if they had any children, and on being told that they had none, the Python said he would make the women conceive. He told the couples to stand facing each other, then he went into the river and came out with his mouth full of water. This he sprayed on their bellies, saying "Kus, kus" (words that are still used in clan rituals). Then the Python told the couples to go home and lie together, and the women conceived and bore children. These children took the spirit of the river where the Python lived as their clan spirit. Members of that clan hold the python as taboo; they must never kill it, and if they find a python that has died or been killed by someone else, they put white clay on it and bury it human fashion.

(OOC: More later)

[Pesco]

I'll commend you for you efforts thus far. But know that they are nowhere near enough to win me.

The majestic ibhubesi is the king of all beasts. Find me 2 local representations, 1 international representation and 1 representation in song.

(OOC: The bookie will have the answers for judging purposes. Put labels with your links, I'm on the phone today.)

[Serp]

So, you actually meant the origin of procreation itself.  That's...  quite awesome.  I believe we've established that the snake is a natural ruler, a master of the finer arts, and literally wrote the book on sex.  This only reaffirms my resolve - you shall be mine, and so I present to you the next challenge fulfilled.  Behold the lion in all its glory!  First, a contemporary illustration:



Next, a purportedly authentic statuette:



A Western representation showing respect for the beat's spirit:



And my favorite, the representation in song.

Alright, maybe Lion-o and the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz aren't the most majestic of representations, but I'm still bitter about the hairy bastards claiming the title of the "king of beasts."  After all, you never hear about lions inventing sex.  Your move, inhlanzi.

[Pesco]

neuromancercantseeshitcaptain.jpg

I'm on the phone.

[Pesco]

Damn that western pic is furry.

Here's what I was looking for
Local: Lion Matches - ask anyone on the street for a lion, it means you need a light.
Simba - If you knew The Lion King, you'd notice his name is also Simba.

International: Lions International - Even my mom got it right away. Alternative answer was MGM's lion (thanks to Stein for this one).

Song: In the jungle
The mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight

Reflect in shame for not even getting the song.

[Serp]

Pfft.  My song was better.  And Lion-o falls well within the 10% rule.  Perhaps I underestimated your ability to hide riddles in your questions, though.  What else do you seek?

[Pesco]

As long as you keep underestimating me, you're never going to be good enough for me.

What colour is a nare (you're looking for an item) and what was it doing (this is a song).

[Serp]

What can I say?  My only weakness is that I get so used to effortlessly completing all challenges set before me that I get complacent.  It's not so much that I'm underestimating you as that I'm not really estimating you at all...  You know, that may be worse, come to think of it.  Oh well.  If there's anything I've learned from the movies, it's that failing in the first rounds of a competition dramatically increase your odds of getting the girl in the end.

Anyway, nare is a pretty common language fragment, but restricting my research to the African continent yields definitions for cape buffalo and for fire, and being unable to find a song referring to a buffalo of a particular color taking a particular action, I've decided to trust my instinct and go with the song I find catchier.  The nare is...  orangish, reddish, yellowish.  And as for what it was doing, it was making it hot, bringing the heat.

[Pesco]

My tricks may be cruel, but they are necessary to judge if you can be a strong enough man to match me.

A buffalo is of the oxen family of animals, a male is called a bull. And its colour


Stolen from Africa
Fighting on arival...
Fighting for survival


Find me the strength of the nzou that builds the nation and the skin of the kifaru that is made to last.

[Serp]

Ah, that was indeed a clever riddle.  I begin to see the way your mind works.  Quite suitable for Tewi...  or perhaps for Dan Brown.  To answer your latest challenge, the nzou that prides itself on building the nation is one I know well.



Your second question is somewhat more difficult.  The skin of the kifaru is a symbol renowned around the world for its durability, and countless people have used its name as a talisman for their products.  My research has turned up everything from bowling balls to PDA cases to car protection paint film.  I present these to you as fulfilling your criteria, for those criteria are too vague to lead to some more specific subject.

[Pesco]

I'm quite sure none of those answers you give are products of my proud land. This is UNPRECENDENTED SERIOUS INSULT !

[Serp]

Your land doesn't have any bowling alleys?  That's...  too sad to bear.  And if you have a shortage of American Republicans in your country, you could always insinuate to us that you're sitting on a pile of WMD's.

[Pesco]

Lion-o

Furfag.

[Serp]

And I used Lion-o in an effort to seduce you.  Think on that for a moment.

[Pesco]

I've got no fur. And don't particularly like fur.

I have just learnt that Republicans were staunch supporters of Apartheid.
One settler, One bullet!

[Serp]

So, there were red and blue elephants stomping around your land, eh?  Fortunate for my purposes here, at least, if not for yours.

[Pesco]

The strength of the elephant that built the nation is very fittingly, cement

Rhino skin made strong to last. This was circa 1994, the 'white' version would also have been an acceptable answer.

Your time is running out, so let's up the stakes. I'll give you my last 2 challenges. Get them both right, I will concede and submit my all to you. If you get either of them wrong, you concede and acknowledge me as your master.

[Serp]

Not so fast.  These past few questions have demonstrated that when you're given free reign to pick any bit of trivia at all, I can't keep up.  When I gave you a blank cheque to issue any challenge at all, I made a grave tactical error.  I do not intend to make that mistake again.  So, let's level the playing field a little.

If I find the answers that you're looking for, then you will concede.  If either of the answers I submit are wrong, then I will concede.  But if your challenge is so vague that I can't even find a wrong answer to give you, then our match will be a draw.  If I am to admit that I cannot have you, then you must prove to me that you are superior, not merely that you have the tactical advantage in this contest - your challenge must not rely on its obscurity as trivia, but on its cleverness as a riddle.

In submitting an answer, I will ensure that one of us comes out of this challenge victorious.  Of course, if the answer to this final challenge is clever enough that I feel that the failure is on my part for not finding an answer, then I may well concede to you anyway.