MJP and Muffin (Season 1)

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This thread is for the lovely lady MJP to resist the gentleman's charm of Sir Muffin.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Well, ladies and gentlechen, there's something I'd like ZA WARUDO to know! Everyone, y'see, or at least a good portion of the population, has something that they either love, or hate. Regardless of which it is, it is their Movivation. Even if it's just a vague habit or annoyance, instead of something which fills their whole being, that counts, too. Not to say that there aren't people who simply don't have such a Motivation-with-a-capital-M. Of course there are obvious exceptions! Still, there are plenty who do have such a motivation -- and I am one such man.

There is one, you see, who I consider ... my princess. Regardless of what anyone says, no matter what stands in my way, she will be the core of my heart! Any challenge that comes in the way of winning my princess's heart, I will overcome it! Nobody will stand in my way! Giving up? Excessively impossible! Reaching for the sky with all my might, I will do my best to gain her heart! She is the light in my life, my raison d'etre! This, you could say, is my challenge to the world! Only once I have my princess's heart will I be fulfilled!

Listen, universe, and listen well! Only one woman can be my princess! Very soon, she will be mine! Everyone, let's hear it for MJP!

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

You miserable, chauvinistic cur.  Tell me, what year is this, and WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  Am I some object for you to take?  Some kind of thing for you to conquer?  Never in all my years have I been so patently and completely offended by blind, aimless ambition.  I am not a noun for you to verb.  I am a human being and I will not let some overcompensating, emotionally small man-child be in the same ROOM as me!  You can't even SPELL "motivation" properly or even have the precaution to edit your ham-fisted, uninspired, clich? dialogue before you submit it for posting!  To think that someone without even the basic human typing skills is even allowed out of school!

*slaps*

Princess?  You think of me as some oppressive royalist?  You see me as someone to sit around all day surrounded by lackeys and courtiers?  Am I but your ticket to some kind of better life?  Go reconfigure your priorities and chase some tail elsewhere.  I never want to see you again.  Get out of here before I call the police!

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Hmph.  What's the matter, cat got your tongue?  Seven hours pass, and the more committed, MUCH more ambitious types already went a few rounds with their would-be beloveds.  Did you even bother to take into account my time zone if you were really interested in wooing me?  I don't care if you're in Antarctica or the Dune Sea, you don't even care enough to know when I'm on to try and fail to get me to fall for you! 

*sigh*  I don't begrudge the others who have to fend off things like you.  I feel for them, really, that they have to suffer with the thought of drooling, over-testosteronified piles of decaying, ugly flesh trying to win their hearts. 

If only I could just spontaneously change the current atmosphere around you so it turns from a mix of nitrogen, oxygen, and other various gases into pure vaporous sulfuric acid so you wouldn't have to expel carbon dioxide into our atmosphere.  I mean, you're not living GREEN!  Look at you.  How can you live your life without being sorry for yourself? 

You can't even properly pursue a romantic interest.  I swear, your parents must look on you and just cry, dying a little bit inside, when you regale them of your tales of failed attempts to win other women over.  They've probably already resigned themselves never to have grandchildren.  What kind of a son are you!  Let alone what kind of a potential suitor you'd be! 

Make it easy on us both, just give up and walk away while you still have a shred of dignity intact... somewhere.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

You didn't think it'd be that easy, did you? Or ... maybe you did. Uh, actually, y'know what, I see what I did wrong there. Knowing people, it's better to save the bombastic posturing for the other guys (although I am mildly perplexed about the objection specifically to being called a princess).

Now, I admit that first impressions might be the worst. Of course it may be rough. What else was I expecting? The fact of the matter is, though ... that I apologize. Heaven and earth may be moved, but even the best of men have no idea how to deal with women. Even then, though, it's not the end of the world. Rules of love and war may be nonexistent, but women have feelings, and if I'm not man enough to admit I made a mistake, I don't deserve anything.

Unless I can somehow make it up to you, I might as well just back off now. Let's see how this goes, shall we? Even if I did screw up at first? So what! And it's not like I blew up the world or killed myself. Now, we can try to see past the initial flaws, or we could start again! Does that sound like a plan? So we're on the same page, you know. Only if we can see eye to eye, and all that. Do you get me?

(Oh, by the way, don't think it's going to be over too quick. I may sometimes look like I'm backing off, but that's only so I can get a good run-up later on ...)

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Why would I even want to give you the chance?  What trust do you think you have left?  You come out of nowhere, all bombast and self-importance, and the moment you get called on it, you deflate and get all wishy-washy? 

Puh-lease.  First impressions are the ONLY impressions, and perception is reality.  Your first impression is that of a boastful, impetuous braggadocio of the kind that died when cavaliers were on horses.  That doesn't fly in 2009, boy, and don't even presume to think that it merits you any favors that you recognize your failings.  If you realized you might have not done right, keep it in mind - for the NEXT girl you try to swoop up. 

If you're man enough to make a mistake, live with the consequences, and those are irrevocable.  I have no intention to give you oxygen if I had two tanks and you were drowning, let alone any second chances.  Just keep on slinking away in a navel-gazing puddle of apologies and self-reproach.  It seems to be the only thing you're good at and I'm sure a more doormat-shaped woman would be pleased to have you drip your wavering intentions and emotions ALL over them.  I for one am NOT. 

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Actually, don't you think you're blowing this out of proportion a bit?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Do I sound like I care what you think about proportions?  If you can't deal with me, it's not my problem that you're incapable of coping with the fact that you're simply not wanted.  Live in the now.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Fully understood in no way whatsoever, since it's not clear to me what you mean by "dealing with you" if you seemingly don't want any attention whatsoever.

Unless, of course, you're just being tsundere about it.

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Oh, so now I'm an archetype?  Now I'm just some character role designed to fill a niche fetish of nerds?  You don't have to ask me to treat you like the jerk you are if you want the tsun part, just don't expect the dere.  In fact, don't bother asking.  I wouldn't care if you did.

Before, I thought you were annoying.  Now I just think you're an undersocialized jerk. 

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Listen to you taking things so Seriously. Look at how you automatically assumes the worst. Committed as you are to the rejection, you never even think to Take It Easy; do you know how unhealthy that is? Or do you like being filled with unadulterated rage? Maybe you ought to consider this whole situation while calmed down for five minutes. Mayhaps your current emotional situation is interfering with your rationality. It wouldn't kill you to consider the idea that I'm being jocular about e.g. the tsundere remark. This constant misinterpretation of what I'm saying certainly wouldn't get you anywhere, for that matter ...

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Gee, that's funny.  I calmed down, came home, had a really nice dinner, and now the very sight of you is making me calmer in the sense that I still don't like you.  I mean, I even had a glass of wine, curled up with a cat in my lap, and here I am realizing that your prodding is nothing short of pathetic. 

Oh, also, your little yukkuri joke wasn't that well-played out, and I'm disappointed that you couldn't come up with anything more creative.  In fact, I'm disappointed in the fact that you're using the same biological processes as I am. 

Look at how my assuming the worst at least prepares me for the fact that you're still just so damn bothersome and I'd love it if you jumped off a cliff into the path of a falling car that throws you into the path of an oncoming train which derails far enough that it lands on an active artillery test range.  On the surface of the sun. 

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Must point out that first, you definitely know how to make a guy laugh. Even if that wasn't actually your intention (which I'm starting to wonder about), that was so over the top, especially that "on the sun" bit, that I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Now that that's out of the way, why don't we at least try to have a conversation that does not consist on your end entirely of insults which are too over-the-top to actually find insulting. That's not going to be too horrible to contemplate, is it? So anyway! What is your favorite kind of tea?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Insults?  Oh my, good sir, you mistake me for a lady of ill bearing and even more ill intent!  I know my daddy would have quite the coronary event back on the plantation when Bessie brings his sweet tea with the news that his eldest daughter has taken the route of the uncouth!  Teehee, for one of my suitors, you are quite the kidder.  Though that does bring me to what we shall do with you, for while we appreciate good old fashioned Southern humor, we do indeed value the element that the Yankees hold over us in terms of acumen and sense!

Mr. Muffin, I must confess that your accusation of me insulting you couldn't be further from the truth.  Why, we women do tend to be a bit giggly in the powder room, but even Tiberius, our head houseboy, can vouch for the fact that no insults have ever flown from the mouths of the women of this family.  Perhaps from the men, but that's why they have pistols at ten paces, I do declare! 

Despite such accusations leveled against me, I must admit that you are quite the daring and forward man to go forth into my personal tastes.  I do worry sometimes that the size of Daddy's little dowry might drive men into otherwise forward means of questioning.  As such I can be as equally backward, tee-hee!  So I think that in response to your question, I will, as they say, answer your question with another question: what kind of tea do you think I like, sugar? 

Oh look!  I made a tea joke!  Daddy would be so proud of my wit! 

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Hmm, good question! A possibility of Mister T, maybe? T-squared? I'm thinking of -- let me guess -- guinea tea?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Guinea tea?  Oh my word, surely you would not jest at the inferior quality of teas from New Guinea!  Or perhaps you wouldn't intend to insult my daddy's lineage by claiming that our blood has even a drop of those Italians in it!  Why, such would be tantamount to spitting upon the ghosts of the brave men who fought in gray at Chancellorsville, the cavaliers of our line!

Oh, you make me laugh, Mr. Muffin, you do make me laugh.  Surely you needn't even ask a good Southern girl what kind of tea she favors!  Why, can not even your fancy Yankee libraries yield but a clue on the South and the life we Southerners lead?

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Hmm, that depends on if you actually know what you're looking for, m'dear. It was kind of an abrupt transition to "southern grand dame" (fourth-wall joke!) Now, however, I'm thinking of sweet tea. :3

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Oh my, you would do so well to avoid phrases such as "grand dame," sir, especially around the help.  We wouldn't want Tiberius and the rest of the house slaves to think that we're French abolitionists now, no?

But oh yes, you do strike close to this belle's heart on sweet tea.  For me there is none other!  Although I must admit, the oolong that Mr. Lee - the very same grandchild of good old Robert E., defender of our fair states - brought back on his latest expedition to China!  Tell me, Mr. Muffin, you ARE cultured enough to have been on the Grand Tour?  My, I do miss the harborage of Shanghai indeed!

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Knowing the times, do you think I could have refrained from going on a Grand Tour? Indeed I did! Now I feel I most cherish my memories of my visits to Rome -- I actually had a painting commissioned of myself at the Colosseum, but the poor painter fell ill and was unable to finish. Gentleman that I was, I couldn't bear to accept a full refund. Of course, that wasn't the best memories of the journey, but it was certainly among the most poignant ...

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Oh, praise the Name of Jesus that you made it safe through the lands of the un-Christian!  The European monarchs have turned so wholly to the evils of atheism and the Papists that they indeed will burn in Satan's flaming grasp!  Oh dear me, I must say a prayer for the souls of the Papists that they may find their savior in Christ the Redeemer and be welcomed into His bosom!

Do tell me, dear friend in Christ, how did Jesus lead you closer to the Lord's Work in converting the European heathens?  Don't tell me you were... in the name of Christ, protect me - don't tell me you were even exposed to those J-J-... oh, Lord help me to do Your work, I can barely bring myself to say it -

*whispers* Did you run into any of the J-J-J-Jew people?

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Fret not, my dear! You shouldn't worry yourself about such things unduly. Oh, I did have one or two close calls, you might say, but nothing untoward happened. Unless they sought to track me down -- but no, I jest, you needn't worry. Would that I could guarantee you'd never have to see or hear of such heathens again, but I can promise to protect you from them to my utmost, should the need arise.

Of course, I did also do my part to spread the word. Unfortunately, I am no missionary myself, but in Cairo I did befriend a man who was, and just in time, too -- he was in despair at his failures, despite the fact that in my opinion he certainly had a respectable number of successes. Let me tell you, the right words of encouragement at the right time can work wonders for a man's soul!

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

The working of wonders for the soul can be done only by Christ's own Hand, and by praying to the LORD!  Cairo, a land lived in by heathens built on the sweat of filthy, evil Jews!  Let us pray.

Dear Jesus, we beseech thee, who strikes down the corrupting homosexuals, the subhuman black Africans, and the Muslims who claim to pray to the Lord, deliver the evil from the lands we may pass in time so that we may do Your Work.  Spread unto us the words of the Bible so we may dispel and destroy those who turn their eyes from Your Holy Name, and away from the hands of the LORD.  In Jesus' Name we pray, amen. 

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Dear me, bless your heart! Now that was spoken like a true Christian. This, I must say, increases your appeal to me. Good madam, perhaps we ought to ... discuss matters in more detail over tea? Evenings tend to be so much longer in these months, when one is without company -- or am I making false assuptions again?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Hang on one sec, I have to take this. 

Hello?  No.  I TOLD you to set the call strike for the Nikkei projection and then turn it over into CGX!  What do you MEAN the strike price went over the projection?  I don't CARE with the computers are projecting, I told you to set the goddamn strike price!  Billy, I swear, if you don't make the CGX turnover I'm going to kill you before Loman does!  Just DO IT!

Sorry.  I swear, the glass ceiling is evident every day.  Anyway, you were saying... tea, right?  I mean, tea is all well and good, but - herm, let's see, there's a Starbucks, there's an Au Bon Pain, and - sorry, I have to take this.

WHAT?!  Oh my God, Jack, you picked the worst possible time to call.  And your alimony check bounced again!  Do I have to get Barry to put that petition to garnish through to the court?  Because I will if I have to!

NO!  NO, you are NOT keeping the goddamn Bentley!  You wouldn't dare to - YOU SLASHED THE FUCKING TIRES?!  AAAARGH!  I will SEE YOU IN COURT, JACK!

Oh my God, my ex-husband.  Yeah, to hell with tea, it's 1:00 and the bars are probably open.  You look like a Seven and Seven kind of guy, right?  What's your poison?

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Tough question, I'm still figuring out my fave. Truth is I used to be a teetotaler, but, y'know, with one thing and another, I switched to being more of a tee-partialer, and now I've become a tee-none-er. Hit me with your choice, why doncha. If I decide it's the best for me, it's cool, and if not? S'all good -- or, well, it's not all good, but it can't be crap if it's your recommendation. Feel free to order for both of us, yeah.

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Teetotaler?  There you go with the tea again.  Welcome to Wall Street.  Must not be the same as it is in Ohio or wherever you landed in from. 

You don't want my choices, boyo.  To get even to senior co-executive VP of Eastern European derivatives, I've already been a widow, a divorcee, and in a few... ahem... questionable photo shoots. 

Hey, Mickey, two of the usual. 

Listen, if a double Everclear straight up is too much for you, kid, I'll have yours.  It's still early and heaven knows that the lumpy oatmeal I was drinking earlier doesn't count.  Liquid breakfasts suck, especially when it's just a few olives out of a martini.

To your health!

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Right, to health. Off the top of my head I can't say I'd be particularly interested in being under, um, that precise set of circumstances, no.

Maybe you might be looking for love in all the wrong places? Any change might be good, it sounds like to me. Now seems like it'd be a fairly good time to do that. You could certainly, y'know, do with a better romantic life, it seems to be. Or a worse one, I suppose, but, um, well, actually, let's just leave it at that. Think that might be a good idea?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Ugh.  My head.  Oh my God, my head. 

They mean it when they say "do not drink while on this medication." 

Crap.  My phone's missing.  Who are y- oh crap, you again.  Look, I'm pissed off enough at myself right now not to care that you're here, so please, just go away, okay?  End this.  I don't know what you've been through - LITERALLY, I do not know - but it's all downhill from here. 

Crap.  Water.  Icy, icy cold water.  Two of 'em.  No, wait, I owe you, so make it three.

[Dizzy H. "Muffin" Muffin]

Hey -- uh, well, I'd say you can't fault a guy for trying, but you already have. Even then, though, it seems to me that trying to rough it all by yourself isn't getting you anywhere. Really, I think what you need is someone to help you through the hard times? Getting shitfaced clearly isn't helping, cuz of medications. Ugliness seems to be the only thing coming from this situation. You know what I'm saying?

[Menorah Jams, Pham]

Genius, take a look.  I don't need someone to help me through this.  Welcome to the classic "pushing people away in aim of help" except I don't aim for help.  There isn't much of me left and you're basically faulting your own logic for being here.  Besides, you played right the hell along every step of the way, too.  Don't lie.  I know it.  Why else are you trying to hide that bottle of sweet tea?  I hate that stuff, it's terrible, and the only reason you had it was to try and look cute.

Listen.  Don't even try for the effort.  Just turn around and walk away.  Otherwise you're gonna be caught up in this.  There's no "me" left, just whatever whim hits and takes hold.  You saw damn well how I acted ON the meds.  All that "A Million Little Pieces" shit is truer than anyone wants to admit, and it's scarier.  You don't have what it takes.  This is me not being an outright hormonal bitch goddess this time - this is me saying I'm going to take this on alone and come out intact alone.  I have enough to deal with without having someone else horn in on me.