- I would use Shrine Maiden, instead of Priestess, because 巫女 (miko) is her formal title and is more commonly used to refer to the girl tending to shrines and temples in Japan. It's also like this that her title is always translated in the english games.
Yeah I hadn't really even touched the formatting, so thank you for saving me that, I was more concerned with the translation itself at this point, as some of the things in the Ran and Yukari speech seemed kinda vague or off, but I wasn't really sure what the correct thing was, so I just tried to touch up the grammar, but I still felt some meaning was missing. Same with the "just like Reimu" line towards the beginning, the subtitle I was editing didn't really understand what they were referring to, but was unable to tell just by listening to the raw. I still appreciate the work though, that was gonna be my next step.
- For the "just like Reimu": Marisa is talking about how the Moriya Shrine was forced to hold a banquet because of the trouble they caused with this incident, and then she goes, that's just like Reimu to make them to that, that's the way she makes them repent for what they did.
- Also, the lines right after was translated as "But I was ready for a gathering like this" is wrong, she says 前にもこういうことあった気がするぜ, which would kinda be "(There exists)(this is only implied with ある/あった, which is "to be" in the past, and normally not directly translated, it's just to say that something was here) a feeling of something like this (talking about the banquet and how Reimu makes the incident makers handle them) some time ago, was done". So you could put it as "I've got a feeling she did something like that before too", the ぜ just makes her more forceful in the sentence. At least, this is how I see it. She is probably referring about the fact that it's the second incident caused by the Moriya Shrine back to back, so the banquet they had to hold to make amends for the "Mountain of Faith" events wasn't too long ago.
- On line 8, I would use "Just when I finally decided "Now it's my turn to go on the offensive!", the magician Patchouli threw cold water on us", or even shorter "Just when I finally decided to make my counterattack, the magician Patchouli threw cold water on us". 水を差した is a fixed expression from what I could find that means
"to throw cold water on", and it has a nice double entendre, since she stops their fight at it's peak, and she gets Flan stuck in a water bubble.
- Line 11, "Of course, I didn't pay attention to any of that" doesn't make any sense. With the last episode, her attitude against Patchouli was more, "I'll beat you up then go beat up Remilia to save the day", and she says 黙って (to be silent), 見過ごす (to overlook), わけがない (わけ normally means "reason" when used as a noun, but following a verb like this, with the negation, it adds the sense "there's no way we can permit (something)"); So the expression 黙って見過ごすわけがない would be "There's no way we can keep silent (about something)". The entire sentence now becomes "There's no way I could stay silent about something like that!" or "There's no way I could ignore what she's doing!" or something along those lines.
- Line 13, I would use "in a pretty desperate situation" instead of "in quite the dilemma", because Marisa is kinda of a tomboy, and her vocabulary isn't something that grand, but that's just my personal opinion.
I'll check for Ran and Yukari in a bit, it's a part where I really struggled to translate as well. But I can already see this:
- Line 35, when Ran says ありがとうございます, while the direct meaning is "Thank you", it makes no sense to say for Ran to say that to Yukari, Yukari hasn't said anything to praise Ran. The meaning is more "Thanks to you (it was resolved successfully, going back to what Yukari just said before)" meaning that Yukari had some involvement in the case (which she did, since we're talking about the underground geyser incident, and Yukari was there to help Reimu).
- Line 36, "Beautiful moon" is lacking, the meaning is right, but there's no way you would hear something say just that in english, we'll need to add a bit more. Also, the particle ねえ at the end here will indicate a small exclamation, and most of the time ね is used to seek an approval from someone else. So, in the end, I would use "Such a beautiful moon, no?"
- Line 52, Ran is saying "Dog... paddle...?" in reference to the swimming style, not just doggie
