Author Topic: Newsflash! A surreal newscast involving Touhou, Half-Life, PSL residents, etc.  (Read 14521 times)


  • Furniture
  • The guy with the thing over there at the place
This was a bout of crazy inspiration in the IRC channel after talking about Gordon Freeman posing as Tuxedo mask in the first season of Sailor Moon. I STILL don't know how it ended up like it did...Sana is credited with a number of the news posts.

The following was recorded in a living room for an undetermined amount of time. Several members of Patchouli's Secret Library were watching the news in the wake of the Combine invasion of earth. Reader discretion is advised.


*SomewhatMystia switches the TV to FOXdie News*

This just in: The Black Mesa incident was caused by a Moriya Shrine Conspiracy.

SomewhatMystia: ?It makes so much sense!?
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?You know templates like that are forbidden.? *shifty eyes*
SomewhatMystia: ?Ehehe.?

The Combine was done in order for the Moriya Shrine to gain the faith of the aliens. The Lunarians were not pleased. Momiji was last seen fighting off dozens of headcrabs. She was never heard from again.

SomewhatMystia: *tears up*

Sanae kept saying things about crowbars, beards and particle physics before she was taken by the Combine soldiers.

SomewhatMystia: ?She deserves it.? *rolls eyes*
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?Hey, I like Sanae...?
SomewhatMystia: ?I like her when she's not bullying Kogasa.?

The G-man is suspected to be working for Makai after it was revealed that Shinki's wings were visible in that funky other-dimension thing at the end of each game. Reimu was last spotted carrying a portal gun. It is assumed that she's going after Yukari.

SomewhatMystia: ?WOO.?

Caution: Cirno has the Gravity Gun.

SomewhatMystia: ?We're boned.?
Patchouli-Knowledge: ?Unconventionally blind.?
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?Pfft, gravity gun.?

It is inferred that D0G is in fact, Momiji.

Patchouli-Knowledge: ?BIG DOG!?

Dr. Freeman has no comment at this time.

Kirisame Marisa has allegedly developed a love-powered Hazard Suit. Currently in its testing phase.

Magical_MoeWriMo: ?Mmmm~?

Alice Margatroid was last witnessed fleeing Ravenholm after Headcrabs took control of her dolls. She is assumed to be in hiding with Marisa. Rumia was last seen in a ventilation shaft. She had the following comment: "Is that so~"

SomewhatMystia: ?Ehehehe.?

Breaking News: Gordon Freeman has allegedly started working with Chuck Norris and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu to put an end to this conflict.

There are unconfirmed reports of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the G-man in twelve different locations all over the world, at the same time.

Orange was spotted earlier this week getting herself killed again for no reason.

SomewhatMystia: ?Hehehe.?

Allegations of an illicit relationship between Dr. Freeman and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu were silenced by a crowbar to the face.

*Anthony and Pyrk walk in*

SomewhatMystia: ?YOU!?
Pyrk: ?ME.?
Anthony: ?TONIGHT! YOU!?

*Anthony starts stripping*

SomewhatMystia: ?OHGOD.?

Saigyouji Yuyuko appeared in main street yesterday afternoon in order to help with relief efforts for refugees. There were no survivors.

SomewhatMystia: *Stares blankly at the screen*
Anthony: ?Ffff!?

Evidence supports earlier theories that Konpaku Youmu is immune to head crabs due to quote "Being too soft".

Ryuu: ?Youmu is so soft.?

General Warning:
All civilians are to avoid Aperture Science labs for the foreseeable future. Video evidence shows that Saigyouji Yuyuko has gone on a warpath against main computer GlaDos after finding out that the cake is indeed a lie.

SomewhatMystia: *snickers*
Sakana: ?Haha!?

James Raynor of the famed Raynor's Raiders was spotted yesterday getting slapped in the face by Sarah Kerrigan after he was seen leaving a bar with Hosiguma Yuugi.

SomewhatMystia: ?Good taste, Jim. GOOD TASTE.?

Evacuation efforts in Venice were suddenly stopped cold after the project manager Onizuka Komachi "Retired for the day". Shikieiki Yamaxanadu has been informed about this.

Kazami Yuka was seen ripping apart a squad of Combine Soldiers using a spoon after she found them stepping on flowers yesterday. When asked why she chose a spoon as her weapon of choice, Ms. Kazami replied quote "Imagine getting your innards pulled out with a spoon."

Ryuu: ?A spoon sir? IT'S BLUNT, IT WILL 'URT MORE!?

Yamame Kurodani and Wriggle Nightbug were seen among the antlions. Theories suggest they may be plotting an uprising.

Ryuu: ?Wouldn't yamame be like, you know, eating wriggle??
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?Eheh, "eating" Wriggle~?

Remilia Scarlet and the rest of her cohorts were seen yesterday lifting off into orbit in her new "Super Scarlet Dimensional Fortress: NotMacross". No subpoenas have been issued as of yet.

Magical_MoeWriMo: *Shifty eyes* ?Pfft the Macross is too cool for Remi.?
SomewhatMystia: ?I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought'a that, Moe.? *shifty eyes*
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?Espedially Max. Maaaaaaaaax~! Oh god Max I want your babies. And I don't just mean I think Mylene is hot, even though she is.?

Marisa Kirisame was injured yesterday when she was hit by a Koopa shell that was careening at sub-sonic speeds. The new Hazard suit, code named "Mima-1" suffered minor damage.

Sana: ?Wait what??

Chuck Norris was seen showing Daiyousei how to perform a proper roundhouse kick. When asked to comment about this, Mr. Norris said quote "She is my new apprentice".

Sana: ?That's not Half Life!?
SomewhatMystia: *laughs hysterically*

A swarm of head crabs were seen following Wriggle Nightbug around last night. The head crabs seemed subdued due to the illumination radiated by Ms. Nightbug.

SomewhatMystia: *Mesmerized with the footage of Wriggles ?illumination?*

Saigyouji Yuyuko was finally seen exiting Apperture Science labs with a happy smile on her face and a cart of fifty cakes.

Hakurei Reimu was finally spotted after three weeks of absence wielding the Gravity Gun that was supposed to have been in Cirno's possession. It is assumed that the ice fairy got the Portal Gun in exchange.

*Commercials starts to run*

In a world where mikos, magicians, gods, immortals, and youkai run free. One man will rise up and silently deal out justice.
*dramatic danmaku montage*
Dr. Gordon Freeman is...
...The Nutty Professor.
Coming soon to an HEV station near you.


Did you know? There are three kinds of heroines...
The ones who fight for donations...
The ones who fight for love...
And the ones who fight for faith...
Her? She was maid...
Ten years ago...there was a danmaku war that swept the world. This was her story...
It was a cold and snowy day...
*Ace Combat Montage*
 Maid Combat Zero: The Fairy War

*News comes back on*

BREAKING NEWS! Moogles were spotted yesterday wearing MIMA-1 Hazard Suits and carrying Mini-Hakkeros. They swept through Berlin and annihilated the Combine forces. There were no casualties in their side. Ms. Kirisame has this to say "For great justice!"

NNWM-Psylash: *Walks in room* ?So how's everyone doing??
SomewhatMystia: ?Master Sparking Moogles. We're dead. And n'bad, you??
Roukan: ?Kupo, da ze.?
Sana: ?Why has nobody done Touhou moogles yet?? *pouts* ?Imagine! Moogles with hats!?
SomewhatMystia: ?...I'm almost tempted to photoshop some Touhou'd moogles sometime.? *awkward pause* ?ALMOST.?
Magical_MoeWriMo: ?...A Moogle loli would be pretty cute, kupo...?*shifty eyes*
Sana: ?A moogle with Renko's hat would be unstoppable, kupo!?

Batman was spotted speaking with the G-man yesterday before Chuck Norris arrived in the scene. Video feed was cut off at that moment but a large explosion, miles in diameter, was reported an hour after video was cut. No further reports were provided at this time.

The mysterious "Myon Phenomena" is being studied by the Kappa in hopes of finding a way to prevent future deaths due to head crabs. Konpaku Youmu had no comment aside from embarrassed mewling.

SomewhatMystia: ?D'aww...?

Hakurei Reimu was caught shoplifting using the Gravity Gun a few hours ago by the police. Ms. Hakurei apologized and put down the shop she was lifting before leaving the scene.

SomewhatMystia: ?HA!?

Dr. Freeman still refuses to comment on current world events.

Pyrk: ?I see what you did there.?
*a solid minute later*
SomewhatMystia: ?... ... Oh! Oh wow I feel slow.?

There are rumors that Tatara Kogasa is working with the Kappa to develop a new stealth system to quote "Surprise" the Combine Soldiers.

Pyrk: ?Stealth? Sneaking Suit!? METAL GEAR!? Too many games lately, sorry...?
SomewhatMystia: ?Hehehehe.?

Kotiya Sanae was spotted yesterday piloting a heavily damaged Hisoutensoku with the assistance of Reiuji Utsuho. They are currently en route to the Hakurei Shrine.

SomewhatMystia: ?Ohshi-?

Alice Margatroid was reportedly seen creating life-size Gordon Freeman dolls. When asked to comment, Ms. Margatroid said quote "I-it's not like I'm making dolls of Gordon Freeman to use against the Combine or anything! Stupid!"

Ryuu: ?How is that tsundere at all??
SomewhatMystia: ?It's not tsundere. She really isn't and has a stuttering problem/is insulting.?

Komeji Koishi was in the news today. The younger Komeji was reportedly having dealings with one Arcturus Mengsk about the possibility of arms trade between the Dominion and Gensokyo.

SomewhatMystia: ?MENGSK!? *shakes fist*

Popular mind reader Satori Komeiji has been hired as Mr.Freeman's interpreter. Mr.Freeman had no comment.

SomewhatMystia: ?Ehehehe.?

The Hisoutensoku was reported to be out of commission due to Hakurei Reimu "tossing it out" using her Gravity Gun after she found out that Kotiya Sanae crashed it into her shrine.

The Ice Fairy Cirno was finally spotted with a Protoss fleet following her. When asked about this strange development, she said quote "They're calling me the reincarnation of Adun or something."

SomewhatMystia: ?Additional pylons, ain' it??
SomewhatMystia: ?WOO!?
Pyrk: ?En taro Tassadar!?
SomewhatMystia: ?Tassadar.? *manly tears*

Renko Usami, resident of City 17 has made complaints about Aperture Science's latest creations such as the Gravity Gun, claiming that "that's not how physics works". Eyewitnesses claim she was taken into the building for a tour last week and was never seen again.

Yakumo Chen was spotted today walking with Dr. Gordon Freeman. When asked what she was doing with Dr. Freeman, Yakumo Chen had the following comment: "He's teaching me about something called the resonance cascade theory."

The Doctor's interpreter Satori Komeiji commented that "For such a silent man, Dr.Freeman sure doesn't think much."

Shimaimeru Aya was arrested yesterday for her seven hundred and seventy seventh speeding ticket. When asked to comment, Ms. Shimaimeru said quote "Ayayayayayayaya~"


Resident reporter and rival of Aya Shameimaru, Hatate Himekaidou commented: "All's fair in love, war, and journalism!"

The following was found spray painted on over a dozen stalker units earler today: "Girugamesh"

SomewhatMystia: ?Ehehehe.?

The Protoss fleet, led by Ice Fairy Ciro, dealt a crushing blow to the combine forces. It was later revealed that Ms. Cirno has taught the Protoss forces how to fire Danmaku.

SomewhatMystia: ?I've said it before and I'll say it again: We're boned.?

Breaking news: The zerg have forged an alliance with Wriggle Nightbug, Yamame Kurodani, and the antlions! The terran forces made a strategic withdrawal from most combat zones. The terran leader made an official statement requesting a temporary allegiance with the Lunarians. The Lunarian response is pending.

SomewhatMystia: *scared shitless*

There are allegations that Houraisan Kaguya was found quote "Inside Moko-tan's pants". The significance of the allegation in regards to the world at large has yet to be revealed.

NNWM-Psylash: *Walks in eating cereal* Aperture Science didn't make the Gravity Gun...
Sana: *sad face*
Magical_Moerin: *shouts out from inside the shower* ?They didn't make THE MIGHTY BOOT either, which is yet another of their failings.? *Shower runs off~*
*awkward pause*
NNWM-Psylash: ?You really shouldn't shower with a computer, Moerin...or run in one...?

Arcturus Mengsk was found intoxicated and unconscious yesterday afternoon in an alleyway. It was later revealed that Komeji Koishi used her power to manipulate the hearts of others to overthrow the monarch and take over the Dominion. Komeji Satori has the following comment: ?.........?

SomewhatMystia: ?God damn you, Koishi. You used to be cool, but now you're all Dominion-y.?

The arrival of spring saw casualties from the Combine Forces numbering in the thousands.

SomewhatMystia: *spittakes*
Sana: ?IT'S SPRING!?
SomewhatMystia: ?Oh god, why was I drinking something??

Chuck Norris was spotted today afternoon. When commented about the incident with Batman and the G-man, Mr. Norris saw it fit to roundhouse kick our field reporter. Our prayers go out to his family.

Fujiwara no Mokou was found dead this morning under the remains of the Hisoutensoku. Hakurei Reimu apologized and treated Ms. Fujiwara to some lamprey in the afternoon of the same day.

The Protoss forces managed a miraculous victory against the Combine Forces this morning after four Dragoons and three High Templars performed "And then there were none". Remilia Scarlet has made no comment.


That's it! Behold the temporary craziness spawned from a completely different idea!
« Last Edit: November 05, 2010, 12:07:08 PM by Blackraptor »

Thata no Guykoro

  • I ran out of good lines a while ago
  • It alllll makes sense now
....what did I just read

It was awesome, but still.


it makes no sense, is nothing but an excuse to throw together characters from different series, does a serious attempt at out-awesoming Gurren Lagann, AND I LOVE IT!


  • Maru~ Maru~
  • Lurk~ Lurk~
O________O wat?

Moar plz d(O_O)b
My first attempt at storywriting, looking for critique

Avatar schizophrenia? I don't know what you're talking about.

Tamashii Kanjou

  • If you didn't quite already know...
  • *
  • I am the leader of TCF <3
    • TCF's Gaming Channel
OH LORD! That was just... so mad it's brilliant.

But now I can no longer play as the Protoss anymore without picturing Cirno leading them...  :ohdear:


  • Sure you're straight dash....
  • ...I totally believe you
Moar moar moar plz