Maidens of the Kaleidoscope

~Beyond the Border~ => Daiyousei's Cold Storage => Topic started by: Reddyne on October 17, 2013, 10:28:45 AM

Title: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 17, 2013, 10:28:45 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/UKjaY8o.jpg)
Greetings, dear denizens of MotK. I am the all-seeing Reddyne, blessed with the gift of foresight. I know all things from the creation of our universe to its heat death, and even why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Seek my wisdom, and I shall reveal unto thee thine fate. But beware, for not all who know will be satisfied. They may even be terrified of what destiny has in store for them. Or moderately indifferent. Or have that slightly itchy feeling you get when someone posts pictures of bugs. Bestow me with a list of thine top 10 Touhous and I shall read your fate in the stars. Your future, death, and final words, as well as lucky number and color shall then be revealed unto us all.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Tengukami on October 17, 2013, 10:48:23 AM
In order most-fave first:

1. SYAMEIMARU
2. Kaguya
3. Cirno
4. Nitori
5. Eirin
6. Hatate
7. Mystia
8. Sanae
9. Marisa
10. Reimu
 
Go!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Delfigamer on October 17, 2013, 11:20:26 AM
1. Yukari
2. Mokou
3. Youmu
4. Ran
5. Akyu
6. Chen
7. Reimu
8. Kasen
(9). Cirno
10. Sakuya

Yes I have a wonderful destiny.
:justasplanned:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: aListers on October 17, 2013, 11:42:43 AM
01. Alice Margatroid
02. Yukari Yakumo
03. Cirno
04. Mima
05. Nitori Kawashiro
06. Byakuren Hijiri
07. Koishi Komeiji
08. Flandre Scarlet
09. Mystia Lorelei
10. Daiyousei

May be a bit of an outdated list but nonetheless here.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: MaJO on October 17, 2013, 11:49:33 AM
1. Marisa
2. Reimu
3. Yukari
4. Parsee
5. Remilia
6. Flandre
7. Ran
8. Yuyuko
9. Youmu
10. Hong
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Yukarin on October 17, 2013, 12:04:31 PM
1. Yukari
2. Yuyuko
3. Byakuren
4. Orin
5. Koishi
6. Yuuka
7. Eirin
8. Chen
9. Nue
10. Ran
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Sagus on October 17, 2013, 12:07:03 PM
1. Yukari
2. Yuuka
3. Utsuho
4. Seiga
5. Yoshika
6. Suwako
7. Kanako
8. Koishi
9. Miko
10. Byakuren
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Hello Purvis on October 17, 2013, 12:11:33 PM
I have a 14-way tie for #1 right now according to Touhousort, and a 31-way tie for #2. What do?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Rin Kagamine on October 17, 2013, 12:13:06 PM
1. Ran Yakumo
2. Hina Kagiyama
3. Mystia Lorelei
4. Kogasa Tatara
5. Nue Houjuu
6. Suika Ibuki
7. Reimu Hakurei
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
9. Utsuho Reiuji
10. Chen
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: JT on October 17, 2013, 12:59:28 PM
Reisen
Tewi
Komachi
Keine
Byakuren
Hatate
Marisa
Yukari
Reimu
Aya
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 17, 2013, 01:12:43 PM
This very quickly turned out to be the only busy workday this week. I'll get to them all in due time, though.
In order most-fave first:
1. SYAMEIMARU
2. Kaguya
3. Cirno
4. Nitori
5. Eirin
6. Hatate
7. Mystia
8. Sanae
9. Marisa
10. Reimu
 
Go!
Future: With the whole traditional journalism schtick not payin' the bills, you brashly push forward into a brave new world of adventuristic photography, capturing the world's greatest moments on camera. You capture on film the result of what happens when you put a frog in the Large Hadron Collider, the first successful cosmetic appendix transplant, and the Pope getting an atomic wedgie. Your notoriety for sticking your nose into famous places not seen since the whole Janet Jackson incident lands you in some rough adventures, but you manage to pull through via very inventive use of angel dust. Things will come to a head when you find that a top North Korean general has some rather racy-lacy undergarments and he doesn't appreciate you asking for a private photoshoot with him, regardless of the amount of Photoshop you promise to use. You're then imprisoned at a gulag where you remain for several years, finally escaping by flirting with a guard.

Death: At 63, your journey leads you to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Your desperate need to attract attention gets the best of you, leading you to think that you can one-up Johnny Van Zant during the middle of the concert. While naked. The crowd is unimpressed, and your failed attempt to crowd-surf afterwards goes sour.

Last Words: "What the shit? I don't get three steps?"

Number: I'm lookin' straight down at .44.

Color: Yella

1. Yukari
2. Mokou
3. Youmu
4. Ran
5. Akyu
6. Chen
7. Reimu
8. Kasen
⑨. Cirno
10. Sakuya
Yes I have a wonderful destiny.
:justasplanned:
Future: Your grand ambitions, mathematical genius, limitless cunning, and lust for revenge will lead you to the one and only possible outcome: A poor-as-dirt farmer. Sure, your scheming started out alright, but all that plotting and maniacal laughter during class landed your ass in trade school. Not to be discouraged, you set about to defeat Mrs. Badcrumble, the teacher who wronged you by having you repeat the fifth grade, through crop rotation and animal husbandry. Your misguided attempts at some of the most bizarre forms of fruits, veggies, and animals become the stuff of legends. Snozzberries will become real, and old folks the world over will marvel at your, uh, 'cathartic' ultrafiber wheat. Your animal husbandry will be the talk of the town until the town gets sick of hearing about your attempt to crossbreed a sheepdog with a sheep. Poor thing tried to lead and follow simultaneously. It'll even outdo the tale of Bobby Joe's 'crossbreeding' attempt with Cousin Jessebelle at the county fair underneath the Tilt-A-Whirl. The mouse and donkey combo won't do so well once the third trimester is reached, however. Also, please refrain from giving your pet alpaca a flamethrower. I know she'll say it's for smokin' out the Jerries, but you shouldn't buy it. Just sayin'.

Death: When you are 72, the animals will rebel. In force.

Last Words: A note saying "Don't cry for me, West Virginia!" will be found stuck in a goat's teeth roughly 10 miles from the crater that used to be your farm. Unfortunately, the local populace never passed third grade and can't read it. However, there'll be enough moonshine to pickle your corpse, and you'll be buried at your stead beneath the spot where the pigs found out how to weaponize the biodiesel they could produce from what was available at your farm.

Number: 1945

Color: Brown, Farmer.

I have a 14-way tie for #1 right now according to Touhousort, and a 31-way tie for #2. What do?
1. Get hat
2. All names in hat
3. Put face in hat
4. Inhale sharply through noes
5. The 1st 10 names you pick out of your noes are top 10.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: FinnKaenbyou on October 17, 2013, 01:31:14 PM
1. Nitori
2. Wakasagihime
3. Mystia
4. Mokou
5. Orin
6. Youmu
7. Ran
8. Momiji
9. Patchouli
10. Chen

CHOOSE MY DESTINY.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: KaiserKnuckle on October 17, 2013, 01:36:04 PM
1. Ran
2. Byakuren
3. Ichirin
4. Mystia
5. Kanako
6. Keine
7. Kagerou
8. Sunnymilk
9. Kogasa
10. Marisa

a
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Suikama on October 17, 2013, 02:02:37 PM
1. Meiling
2. other touhous ???
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Delfigamer on October 17, 2013, 02:19:27 PM
Future: Your grand ambitions, mathematical genius, limitless cunning, and lust for revenge will lead you to the one and only possible outcome: A poor-as-dirt farmer. Sure, your scheming started out alright, but all that plotting and maniacal laughter during class landed your ass in trade school. Not to be discouraged, you set about to defeat Mrs. Badcrumble, the teacher who wronged you by having you repeat the fifth grade, through crop rotation and animal husbandry. Your misguided attempts at some of the most bizarre forms of fruits, veggies, and animals become the stuff of legends. Snozzberries will become real, and old folks the world over will marvel at your, uh, 'cathartic' ultrafiber wheat. Your animal husbandry will be the talk of the town until the town gets sick of hearing about your attempt to crossbreed a sheepdog with a sheep. Poor thing tried to lead and follow simultaneously. It'll even outdo the tale of Bobby Joe's 'crossbreeding' attempt with Cousin Jessebelle at the county fair underneath the Tilt-A-Whirl. The mouse and donkey combo won't do so well once the third trimester is reached, however. Also, please refrain from giving your pet alpaca a flamethrower. I know she'll say it's for smokin' out the Jerries, but you shouldn't buy it. Just sayin'.

Death: When you are 72, the animals will rebel. In force.

Last Words: A note saying "Don't cry for me, West Virginia!" will be found stuck in a goat's teeth roughly 10 miles from the crater that used to be your farm. Unfortunately, the local populace never passed third grade and can't read it. However, there'll be enough moonshine to pickle your corpse, and you'll be buried at your stead beneath the spot where the pigs found out how to weaponize the biodiesel they could produce from what was available at your farm.

Number: 1945

Color: Brown, Farmer.
Inaccurate as UEF Experimental Artillery. :| We may start at the fact that I see no points for moving to USA and lots of points not to move.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: qMyon on October 17, 2013, 02:27:41 PM
This could be interesting.....

1. Youmu
2. Nitori
3. Reisen
4. Cirno
5. Eirin
6. Iku
7. Kogasa
8. Satori
9. Koishi
10. Aya
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zil on October 17, 2013, 02:41:39 PM
Here we go

Chiyuri
Yumemi
Eiki
Rika
Reimu
Ellen
Kotohime
Mima
Kana
Komachi

I guess
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Darkness1 on October 17, 2013, 02:46:01 PM
0. Muse
1. Yuuka Kazami.
2. Suika Ibuki.
3. Reimu Hakurei.
4. Byakuren Hijiri.
5. Yumemi Okazaki.
6. Chiyuri Kitashirakawa.
7. Mima.
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou.
9. Ayayaya Shameimaru.
10. Remilia Scarlet.

I have a terrible taste in characters,  so I await a terrible destiny.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Aba Matindesu! on October 17, 2013, 02:56:33 PM
1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Byakuren Hijiri
3. Yuuka Kazami
4. Tewi Inaba
5. Mima
6. Lyrica Prismriver
7. Alice Margatroid
8. Yumeko
9. Eiki-samaaaaaa~
10. Toyosatomimi no Miko

2hu f'tagn
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Janitor Morgan on October 17, 2013, 02:57:49 PM
1) Satori Komeiji, Patchouli Knowledge
3) Tenshi Hinanawi
4) Kogasa Tatara
5) Mystia Lorelei
6) Reimu Hakurei
7) Rin Kaenbyou (oh how far you've come, somehow)
8) Hata no Kokoro
9) Koakuma
10) Kyouko Kasodani
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Mk_Ultimos47 on October 17, 2013, 03:10:12 PM
Alright, why don't have a go at this? (Note that there is no order here)

1. Chen
2.  Kogasa Tatara
3. Tokiko
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Wakasagihime
6. Sekibanki
7. Satori Komeiji
8. Rin Kaenbyou
9. Hata no Kokoro
10. Kyouko Kasodani
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Fetch()tirade on October 17, 2013, 03:42:44 PM
1. Youmu
2. Marisa
3. Alice
4. Nue
5. Patchouli
6. Yuyuko
7. Reimu
8. Satori
9. Cirno
10. Luna

The only ones that are really solid are the first five.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Kasu on October 17, 2013, 04:20:40 PM
Looks fun, so I'll give this a shot.

1. Tenshi Hinanawi
2. Koakuma
3. Reisen Udongein Inaba
4. Rin Kaenbyou
5. Keine Kamishirasawa
6. Sekibanki
7. Hata no Kokoro
8. Kagerou Imaizumi
9. Kaguya Houraisan
10. Koishi Komeiji
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Karafuto on October 17, 2013, 04:33:19 PM
1. Kaku Seiga
2. Toyosatomimi no Miko
3. Tatara Kogasa
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Komeiji Satori
6. Hijiri Byakuren
7. Watatsuki no Toyohime
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou
9. Miyako Yoshika
10. Mai
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Molten on October 17, 2013, 05:06:53 PM
1. Keine
2. Mystia
3. Alice
4. Toyosatomimi
5. Merlin
6. Patchouli
7. Yukari
8. Parsee
9. Marisa
10. Unzan
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: DNAbc on October 17, 2013, 05:13:28 PM
Truly my destiny and future are nothing but red

1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Satori Komeiji
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Remilla Scarlet
5. Hidea no Akyuu
6. Nue !@#!@$!@$!#!@#!@#
7. Marisa Kirisame
8. Yuyuko Dreamcaskuji
9. Mystia Lolilei
10. Reisen Udongein Inaba
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Sca15let on October 17, 2013, 05:21:45 PM
1. Parsee
2. Iku
3. Seiga
4. Renko
5. Shikieiki
6. Tenshi
7. Miko
8. Keine
9. Alice
10. Sakuya
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 17, 2013, 05:56:55 PM
01. Alice Margatroid
02. Yukari Yakumo
03. Cirno
04. Mima
05. Nitori Kawashiro
06. Byakuren Hijiri
07. Koishi Komeiji
08. Flandre Scarlet
09. Mystia Lorelei
10. Daiyousei
May be a bit of an outdated list but nonetheless here.

Future: Misunderstood throughout your life, you will isolate yourself from society. But you will not let this go quietly. No. Your genius has been wasted upon fools for decades, and the indignation you've endured has driven you to do great things. Shunning the fools and dullards who have wronged you for so long, you construct a secret base in the frozen tundras of the north, only to reappear at the helm of your magnum opus: A titanic, sentient robot of your own design bearing your likeness. Sitting upon a throne in the monster's head, you swing the robot's arm in an arc across the local forest in a display of power. The robot's arm rends the forest, and the splinters fall in perfect house-shaped piles. The lasers from the robot's eyes pierce the ground, unearthing groundwater that bubbles up, creating rich cropland and a fresh lake with a stream that empties into the ocean. Your devastation causes the homeless to swarm to their new houses and places to work. The shift denies local corrupt bankers and businessmen of their favorite exploitable targets, causing them to refocus on the city's infrastructure and charity. You even set free all the puppies from the local shelter, petting them to get them agitated and forcing them into loving homes. As the citizens bow to you, agape at the terrors you have wrought, the mayor of the city yields, surrendering the key to the city to you. Your thirst for domination satisfied, your robot steals into the night, never to be seen again.

Death: You will pass in a maddeningly peaceful way at the age of 93. As your skull fortress is locked away in the colds of the north, you cannot be buried easily in a long-since-frozen ground. Instead, you have your giant robot fling your remains far, far away, like they did with a trebuchet in that episode of Northern Exposure.

Last Words: "My best revenge is a massive success!"

Number: 4. Bobby Orr.

Color: The color of revenge.
Pink

Inaccurate as UEF Experimental Artillery. :| We may start at the fact that I see no points for moving to USA and lots of points not to move.
Actually, West Virginia is the name of your significant other. She is a duck of a most beautiful plumage.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Kilgamayan on October 17, 2013, 06:42:07 PM
1. Kaku Seiga
2. Toyosatomimi no Miko
4. Mononobe no Futo
6. Hijiri Byakuren
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou
9. Miyako Yoshika

what in the
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: SirSlarty on October 17, 2013, 06:45:16 PM
1. Byakuren hijiri
2. Suwako Moriya
3. Keine Kamishirasawa
4. Sanae Kochiya
5. Kagerou Imaizumi
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Seiga Kaku
8. Hatate Himekaidou
9. Kosuzu Motoori
10. Shiki Eiki
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Tengukami on October 17, 2013, 07:04:53 PM
Future: With the whole traditional journalism schtick not payin' the bills, you brashly push forward into a brave new world of adventuristic photography, capturing the world's greatest moments on camera. You capture on film the result of what happens when you put a frog in the Large Hadron Collider, the first successful cosmetic appendix transplant, and the Pope getting an atomic wedgie. Your notoriety for sticking your nose into famous places not seen since the whole Janet Jackson incident lands you in some rough adventures, but you manage to pull through via very inventive use of angel dust. Things will come to a head when you find that a top North Korean general has some rather racy-lacy undergarments and he doesn't appreciate you asking for a private photoshoot with him, regardless of the amount of Photoshop you promise to use. You're then imprisoned at a gulag where you remain for several years, finally escaping by flirting with a guard.

Death: At 63, your journey leads you to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Your desperate need to attract attention gets the best of you, leading you to think that you can one-up Johnny Van Zant during the middle of the concert. While naked. The crowd is unimpressed, and your failed attempt to crowd-surf afterwards goes sour.

Last Words: "What the shit? I don't get three steps?"

Number: I'm lookin' straight down at .44.

Color: Yella

Listen here, mister: I didn't even kiss her.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: UncertainJakutten on October 17, 2013, 07:24:34 PM
OK. I have to do this.

1. Rin Kaenbyou
2. Marisa Kirisame
3. Sakuya Iyazoi
4. Yuuka Kazami
5. Patchouli Knowledge
6. Tenshi Hinanawi
7. Ran Yakumo
8. Yuugi Hoshiguma
9. Komachi Onozuka
10. Utsuho Reiuji

(This is constructed from memory because I didn't want to go through a whole touhousort again, though I should at some point!)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: commandercool on October 17, 2013, 07:31:06 PM
1. Keine
2. Mokou
3. Reimu
4. Yuuka
5. Youmu
6. Patchouli
7. Marisa
8. Yuugi
9. Miko
10. Nitori
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Delfigamer on October 17, 2013, 07:45:43 PM
Actually, West Virginia is the name of your significant other. She is a duck of a most beautiful plumage.
(http://lurkmore.so/images/5/53/Mona_Lisa_duckface.jpg)
what
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: aListers on October 17, 2013, 07:47:12 PM
Future: Misunderstood throughout your life, you will isolate yourself from society. But you will not let this go quietly. No. Your genius has been wasted upon fools for decades, and the indignation you've endured has driven you to do great things. Shunning the fools and dullards who have wronged you for so long, you construct a secret base in the frozen tundras of the north, only to reappear at the helm of your magnum opus: A titanic, sentient robot of your own design bearing your likeness. Sitting upon a throne in the monster's head, you swing the robot's arm in an arc across the local forest in a display of power. The robot's arm rends the forest, and the splinters fall in perfect house-shaped piles. The lasers from the robot's eyes pierce the ground, unearthing groundwater that bubbles up, creating rich cropland and a fresh lake with a stream that empties into the ocean. Your devastation causes the homeless to swarm to their new houses and places to work. The shift denies local corrupt bankers and businessmen of their favorite exploitable targets, causing them to refocus on the city's infrastructure and charity. You even set free all the puppies from the local shelter, petting them to get them agitated and forcing them into loving homes. As the citizens bow to you, agape at the terrors you have wrought, the mayor of the city yields, surrendering the key to the city to you. Your thirst for domination satisfied, your robot steals into the night, never to be seen again.

Death: You will pass in a maddeningly peaceful way at the age of 93. As your skull fortress is locked away in the colds of the north, you cannot be buried easily in a long-since-frozen ground. Instead, you have your giant robot fling your remains far, far away, like they did with a trebuchet in that episode of Northern Exposure.

Last Words: "My best revenge is a massive success!"

Number: 4. Bobby Orr.

Color: The color of revenge.
Pink

Oddly enough I can see myself doing something like that - possibly not the house thing though seeing as I'm a bit of an eco freak. I already live up north and I was planning on how to build a huge robot like that not long ago.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Alcoraiden on October 17, 2013, 08:53:01 PM
1. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
2. Yuuka Kazami
3. Utsuho Reiuji
4. Fujiwara no Mokou
5. Shinki
6. Yukari Yakumo
7. Nue Houjuu
8. Toyosatomimi no Miko
9. Kanako Yasaka
10. Eirin Yagokoro
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: an unmatched sock on October 17, 2013, 09:52:25 PM
Ooh, fun times! Let's see...

1 Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
2 Koishi Komeiji
3 Yuyuko Saigyouji
4 Sariel
5 Byakuren Hijiri
6 Shinmyoumaru Sukuna
7 Hata no Kokoro
8 Satori Komeiji
9 Tenshi Hinanawi
10 Ran Yakumo

(I did an entire touhousort for this. Why do I like all final bosses and two extras and Satori. Why. I even tried to base this more on personality I liked.)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Hello Purvis on October 17, 2013, 10:05:47 PM
Okay, the hat has been employed


1, Minoriko
2. Hina
3. Sekibanki
4. Byakuren
5. Kisume
6. Shizuha
7.  Yuyuko
8. Rumia
9. Sukuna
10. Utsuho

Do I have to shuffle for each individual horoscope?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Giratina93 on October 17, 2013, 10:12:14 PM
1. Yuuka Kazami
2. Yukari Yakumo
3. Letty Whiterock
4. Kanako Yasaka
5.  Elly
6. Wakasagihime
7. Kagerou Imaizumi
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
9. Yamame Kurodani
10. Satori Komeiji
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Nihilanth on October 17, 2013, 10:37:52 PM
1. Youmu
2. Reimu
3. Byakuren
4. Mokou
5. Keine
6. Mystia
7. Letty
8. Chen
9. Ran
10. Yuyuko
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: [Y]oukai [J]esus on October 17, 2013, 11:18:33 PM
TEST YOUR MIGHT
CHOOSE YOUR FATE
BRING THE FIGHT
ELSE THERE WONT BE CAKE

1. Mima
2. Lily White
3. Renko Usami
4. Alice Margatroid
5. Maribel Hearn
6. Rumia
7. Tenshi Hinanawi
8. Sariel
9. Raiko Horikawa
10. Rinnosuke Morichika
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Rei Scarlette on October 17, 2013, 11:19:11 PM
Hard to decide after the first six or so, but let's see...

1) Youmu Konpaku
2) Tokiko*
3) Toyosatomimi no Miko*
4) Fujiwara no Mokou*
5) Byakuren Hijiri*
*actually, these four characters are just about equal to me. However, I can't just list them all as #2
6) Utsuho Reiuji
7) Koishi Komeiji
8) Shou Toramaru
9) Aya Shameimaru
10) Remilia Scarlet

I would fix the 8) thing up there by Shou, but instead I thought it was a funny mistake and it also accurately shous how awesome she is.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Juubi Neion on October 17, 2013, 11:52:01 PM
Mmkay...
1. Marisa
2. Chen
3. Ran
4. Mokou
5. Orin
6. Yukari
7. Momiji
8. Suwako
9. Okuu
10. Tenshi
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Kosachi on October 17, 2013, 11:57:03 PM
I want in! :D

1.Tenshi
2.Hata no Kokoro
3.Remilia
4.Koishi
5.Satori
6.Ellen
7.Kana
8.Kogasa
9.Miko
10.Yumeko
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 18, 2013, 01:25:07 AM
OK I seriously just sat down to rest for the first time in 16 hours. Considering how much free time I should have at "work" I'll get around to more tomorrow.
1. Marisa
2. Reimu
3. Yukari
4. Parsee
5. Remilia
6. Flandre
7. Ran
8. Yuyuko
9. Youmu
10. Hong
Future: Your parents will engage in a high-stakes match of Canasta with a guy named Shifty. Your parents may think that he's named that way because of all the cars he owns. Not quite. They lose everything they own including you. You are subsequently sold on the black market to a Chinese man named Rusty. For his infinite generosity of adopting you, teaching you the ways of the ninja, and letting you live in a basement and sleep on and warm, comfy bed of moss, you will pay off the debt you owe him. Using your talents of thievery and your newly discovered ninja skills, you will steal a massive diamond from a woman who is so frumpy that a homeless man from the dark ages who subsists on plague rats wouldn't tap that. The gem is mounted in her hat, which looks like a hapless pile of roadkill had a fling with an M.C. Escher drawing and the resulting spawn caught smallpox. You will swap the gem out and replace it with a framed picture of Tony Danza that looks like it ran afoul of a gang armed with BeDazzlers. Free to go at last, your derring-dos of thievery will be known the world over.

Death: After emerging from an assassination attempt that spans 17 hours, 3 countries, 4 modes of transportation (including donkey), 2 snipers, 20 gunmen, and 10 ninja, you will have an incredible urge to go #1. As you enter the bathroom, you will ignore the wet floor sign, slip, and bash your head on the rim of the bowl. At least you will die a lemony fresh scented death at 56.

Last Words: "...And sometime the can kicks you."

Number: 007

Color: Booger green. Don't try to get some fresh lucky charms right before the big interview, though.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Athrel on October 18, 2013, 02:38:11 AM
1. Hong Meiling
2. Marisa
3. Tenshi
4. Youmu
5. Yukari
6. Nue
7. Kanako
8. Shinki
9. Satori
10. Alice
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Monkeypro257 on October 18, 2013, 03:53:51 AM
1.Yuuka
2.Mai
3.Yumemi
4.Cirno
5.Mugetsu
6.Seija
7.Yuki
8.Mamizou
9.Chen
10.Kurumi

If only it was top 20 . . .
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Dormio Ergo Sum on October 18, 2013, 04:42:09 AM
Why not, I guess.

1. Ran Yakumo
2. Momiji Inubashiri
3. Lily White
4. Mystia Lorelei
5. Tokiko
6, Mokou, Fujiwara no
7. Suwako Moriya
8. Iku Nagae
9. Hatate Himekaidou
10. Suika Ibuki
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Algo on October 18, 2013, 07:35:36 AM
1. Suika
2. Satori
3. Sanae
4. Keine
5. Mokou
6. Orin
7. Cirno
8. Tewi
9. Yukari
10. Kokoro
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: trancehime on October 18, 2013, 08:49:39 AM
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Drake on October 18, 2013, 09:15:22 AM
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 18, 2013, 04:01:10 PM
1. Yukari
2. Yuyuko
3. Byakuren
4. Orin
5. Koishi
6. Yuuka
7. Eirin
8. Chen
9. Nue
10. Ran
Future: Your life will be largely nondescript for some time. Yes, you'll float from place to place, supplying your clever managerial skills, garnering a healthy amount of wealth and influence in the meantime. It isn't until your retirement and golden years that your eccentric personality takes the helm and goes off the rails on the crazy train over the entire town. Sure, you could've stopped at adopting three or four cats, but why stop there? Why not adopt all the strays and any feral mutant creature that may or not be a chupacabra? It LOOKS sort of cat-ish, right? Before long, the entire continent's stray cats have migrated to your house, drawn there by the constant stream of catnip and tuna odors wafting from your domicile. The massive breadth of your connections garnered in your career help make your 85 story home and numerous satellite houses possible, and the dozens of live-in employees make dealing with kitty litter disposal bearable. Eventually, your dominion of cats is sent out into the world to do good, ridding troubled cities of plague rat infestations and asking for belly rubs from the entire population of Florida. They even assassinate a high profile warlord. By gumming up the elevators with hairballs, he's cornered in the Burj Khalifa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burj_Khalifa). As he attempts to flee down the stairs, he finds a squadron of your kitties at the top of each flight. He won't get far. Such dirty business is usually left to the Multiple Environment Occupational Warrior squad though.

Death: Peacefully in your sleep at the age of 96. Muffy, Biff, The Great Gonzo, Boots, Jake, and Mr. Whiskers will be the pall bearers at your funeral.

Last Words: You will bid farewell to all of your cats in alphabetical order. As this exceeds the word per post limit, I can't post the whole thing. 

Number: The sum total number of cats you will adopt over your lifetime. This number will put city populations to shame. Good thing your next door neighbor didn't adopt an entire town's worth of people allergic to pet dander, or there'd be trouble a' brewin'.

Color: Multiple. Chartreux, Russian Blue, Savannah, and York Chocolate.

1. Yukari
2. Yuuka
3. Utsuho
4. Seiga
5. Yoshika
6. Suwako
7. Kanako
8. Koishi
9. Miko
10. Byakuren
Future: Life will remain just too dull for you until you hit middle age. The doldrums of work and the dull corporate ladder will make you a bit cynical and bitter considering that you wanted to preside over a frikkin' COUNTRY and not just the goddamn Finance department. Goddamnit Mark, how can we get these numbers to the VP if you're drunk at work all the time? You retire early, take over a small island in the Pacific, and deplete your former company's entire bank account to set up a nuclear-powered facility there. The immense power it puts out is subsequently used to revive the dead, leading to a tremendous zombie army. At last! You can finally bring a nation to its knees so the chuckleheads from HR will stop dipping into your supply closet, dammit! Still, you have a rough time keeping your zombie underlings in check. They're largely confused about how much PTO they're receiving, company goals, benefits, and the list of contacts for IT because the rocks they're working on right now don't support Windows 7. It eventually becomes your duty to break it to them that they are all godless abominations of science and that being dead might be troublesome for company health insurance costs. The following insurrection is ugly. Lawsuits left and right, the zombie army's stock plummets, and the confidence in your ability as CEO is called into question. Eventually the zombies unionize and you can't keep up with the payments, considering that it cost a mere $5 a pop to get a couple of college dropouts formerly employed at a Denny's to unearth corpses. Now the undead want more than minimum wage. Sheesh.

Death: Worried about the zombies rioting, you purchase a boomstick to defend yourself. However, you haven't been tutored in proper firearm safety, and the weapon misfires. Luckily, the last 15 years of your life are by far the best and things were about to go downhill in a hurry anyhow.

Last Words: "'This end up' my ass." Luckily, you don't get to reflect on the awkward statement you make, and no one is around to hear it. Unfortunately, this happens when you're 62. You could've retired from that soulless corporate system had you simply toughed it out a bit longer. Social Security was so close yet so far away.

Number: 35.45 - the molecular weight of chlorine. You'll need it considering much bleach you'll be using to tend to the mess the zombies leave throughout your underground lair.

Color: Aqua orange.
 
1. Ran Yakumo
2. Hina Kagiyama
3. Mystia Lorelei
4. Kogasa Tatara
5. Nue Houjuu
6. Suika Ibuki
7. Reimu Hakurei
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
9. Utsuho Reiuji
10. Chen
Future: Depression will set in at a relatively young age as you have difficulty dealing with authority. You will fail to find your niche in society for a time, but not for long. Soon, you will start moonlighting as FLAMINGO VALENTINE, the suave, fashionable, vaguely male dance and pop star that will shoot to the top of the charts. Unfortunately, popular doesn't mean good, and that star will fade before long. Your singing career is eventually largely forgotten which isn't so bad because your music would make dogs vomit, which would produce a sound that would be considered a marked improvement over your own. However, you lead a successful career in fashion from then on, with fashions that will reach the dirt-poor to princesses. As for yourself, your outfits will cost a drag queen's ransom, match a footbal field in terms of square yardage, possess enough jewelry to be visible to the ISS, and consist of enough squirrells to fill a national park. Things will still be a bit rough for you emotionally, however, and more than a few times you will be found dragging yourself (and your jewel encrusted pumps with the 4 inch heels) back to the nearest 5 star hotel while deftly clutching to a bottle of Jack Daniels. Your fashion sense will keep up for your entire lifetime and you'll have a minor resurgence singing showtunes in casinos. Your bizarre, borderline schizophrenic personality will irk your underlings, but you'll have too much SWAGGER to even notice.

Death: Still thinking you can rock the fashion at the age of 97, you will attempt to pose like the main character from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure part 19 and break your spine.

Last Words: I'll just say that they'd make Liberace weep and leave it at that.

Number: 109

Color: RAINBOW SPARKLES! Better clean them up before your wife gets home.
 
Reisen
Tewi
Komachi
Keine
Byakuren
Hatate
Marisa
Yukari
Reimu
Aya
Future: Tired of being roughed up by traditional work, you attempt to start a few businesses of your own with marginal success. Luck is on your side however, as you eventually become a smashing success as a noodle chef, making dishes ranging from localized takes on Japanese favorites to Italian pasta comfort dishes. Though brusque and shrewd as a businessman, you're an all-around nice guy with a penchant for your work. It shows, and before long, you're the talk of the town. Eventually, you receive permission to use your beloved Reisen as the restaurant's mascot, with your SO frequently donning her signature skirt and blazer combo at work. Your positive reputation secure, you start to cut loose a little and your screwy sense of humor shines through, offering patrons a boisterous, cheery experience with joke dishes offered to the daring. Who knew Skittle-flavored beer would go so well with the ghost pepper teriyaki mac & cheese? A statue of Reisen is eventually built to greet your clientele, and many a picture of them attempting to garner her affections is taken in front of the restaurant. You answer each of these attempts by first-basing it with the statue. The business is featured in the local paper a number of times before becoming national news and eventually, a national landmark. During your 50th anniversary celibration, you take your employees - all adorned with a ridiculous pair of rabbit ears - to a local pub and order a round for the house while swinging the profits from your restaurant above your head, saying

Last Words: "Hey, look! I'm raisin' udon gain in a bar!" The pun will not go over well with the winos there, leading to...

Death: Comedian Dave Barry once wrote "Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water." That about sums it up. Still, your work is your joy, and you'll be barely able to get through a full day of work at the age of 79. The qwip won't make it on your headstone. Rather, ?your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it? will.

Number: 5

Color: Tan. Fifteen, twenty, twentyfi-*SHOT*
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: JT on October 18, 2013, 04:28:38 PM
It's official: Reddyne is a goddamn wizard.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Sagus on October 18, 2013, 04:49:45 PM
I'll have an army of office drones whose machines are powered by nuclear energy, in a small island in the Pacific...

...

Are you saying I'll take over Japan?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Delfigamer on October 18, 2013, 05:35:34 PM
I'll have an army of office drones whose machines are powered by nuclear energy, in a small island in the Pacific...

...

Are you saying I'll take over Japan?
Not so fast.
Because I'll have...
battle ducks.
:flowerpower:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Rin Kagamine on October 18, 2013, 06:20:33 PM
But what about my SPINNING!?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 18, 2013, 07:16:37 PM
1. Nitori
2. Wakasagihime
3. Mystia
4. Mokou
5. Orin
6. Youmu
7. Ran
8. Momiji
9. Patchouli
10. Chen
CHOOSE MY DESTINY.
Future: And the Lord did speak unto Rou: "Hey Rou, buddy." "Yeah?" "I wanna do the Etch-a-Sketch thing again where I make it rain until football season starts. Capiche?" "OK." "And the ducks will try to cheat. It's OK to eat a few of those bumptious dastards." "...What?" "Oh, for my sake, I need catch up with this whole modern lingo horseradish." And so Rou ventured out into the world, collecting animals by the boat load. Go figure. The proces will take years and you'll be SO pissed when you find out one praying mantis went and ate the other. Also, word of advice: Anaconda hugs aren't pleasant. Meanwhile, you'll have had the turtles sent to a prestigious engineering school to have them build the ship, which will be SWAAAAANK. Seriously, it takes a lot of stones to make a 1 square mile tide pool on a boat surrounded by nothing BUT a tide pool. Not to mention that the food and decor are outRAGEous. I mean, a lot of animals "wanted to be a part of the cruise" and they didn't win the lotto for their respective species, so... yeah. Eventually, God will have his fantasy team ready and the rains will let up. After letting all of the species except the Japanese giant hornet off to go and repopulate the world again, a massive wave will strike the boat, causing it to crash and sink. The heavens will part, and God will speaketh unto Rou again: "yeah, they didn't do so well on the performance review."

Death: After a lifetime of being surrounded by the infinitedly deep ocean, enduring hurricanes and tidal waves, you will fall asleep after spending WAY too much time in the bathtub and drown when you're 87.

Last Words: The whole second arc thing being such a big part of your life, you'll bark "stupid rabbits! That's the third time I've had to bust out the hose today." You'll then wake up and lumber into the bathroom for your last bath.

Number: 2

Color: Blue

But what about my SPINNING!?
That's your one and only dance move.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Yukarin on October 19, 2013, 02:56:58 AM
but i have cats

CATS
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Matteo on October 19, 2013, 01:09:34 PM
Let's give it a try...

1- Yuuka
2- Ran
3- Shinki tied with Mima
4- Yuugi tied with Gengetu
5- Rika
6- Elly tied with Mugetu
7- Yumemi
8- Yumeko
9- Kotohime
10- Meira!

The ones tied, pick you one of them...what's important is that 1st position is the almighty Yuuka-without-skirt from pc-98, when she was still 99% evil, arrogant and interesting and only 1% girly and boring.

What there will be in my future? Will i follow Yuuka's voice and destroy the world in the name of the Genmukan?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: NekoNekoRex on October 19, 2013, 02:30:55 PM
1. Chen
2. Suika
4. Kogasa Tatara
5. Rin Kaenbyou (Orin)
6. Marisa Kirisame
7. Ran Yakumo
7. Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
9. Mystia Lorelei
10. Satori Komeji
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 19, 2013, 07:24:50 PM
I'll get to all of them eventually. My boss left for another state yesterday and neglected to leave me anything to do for an entire week.
1. Ran
2. Byakuren
3. Ichirin
4. Mystia
5. Kanako
6. Keine
7. Kagerou
8. Sunnymilk
9. Kogasa
10. Marisa
a
Future: Being all love and peace and all is pretty swag, but it sounds boring on a resume and you'll want to let your wild side run rampant on society's most deserving chumps: Supervillains. You'll report your archnemesis to the ASPCA and adopt the puppy he was about to turn into a mutant attack wolf as your own pet. You'll populated the surface of a giant solar panel that powers a death beam with cats. Even Mister Sinister's
(dangit, that name's already taken)
weather control machine will be thwarted by your 25 square kilometer umbrella. You'll even steal the cookies from a villain's bake sale and donate them to an orphanage. Every last stock supervillain will spare you from their curses because they cower in fear at the thought of drawing your attention. Salted lands and scorched earth will never exist, instead becoming picturesque landscapes and towns that would make Norman Rockwell and Ghibli animators vomit pure unadulterated happiness. Future dictatorships will crumble and be converted to cookie factories before they are even realized. Total death count of your madness: 0. Lives ruined: 0. No one will every really know who you are, but that's OK with you. Well, you'll be known as that person who farts rainbows...
 
Death: During your sleep at 92. You've already accomplished much by that age anyhow.
 
Last Words: From John Wesley, "Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, to all the souls you can, in every place that you can, at all the times you can, with all the zeal you can, as long as you ever can."
 
Number: 108
 
Color: White
 
1. Meiling
2. other touhous ???
There are other touhous???
 
Future: Life to you might as well begin with your first steady job guarding a grand mansion next to a lake. The boss... SEEMED nice enough at first. She took you in after all, right? But even then, the days are largely forgettable. You are, however, permitted enough time inside to gain a new friend in the library (who won't follow up with your exercise program, but that's OK) and even dote upon the boss's kid sister. Not only that, the new head maid is all the things you wish to improve about yourself, and she's quite the looker too. However, a day comes where you fail to do your job, and the hours and punishment for failure become worse. Not to mention, as much as you believe that the two of you make an ideal pair, the head maid only has eyes for that parasitic boss of yours. With the work getting even rougher, your best friends permanently cloistered in a musty old building and who you think could be the love of your life never leaving the side of your greatest antagonist, you have an epiphany. You leave your dear friends some trinkets to remember you by, and spend the rest of your hard-earned money on a tanning booth for your former boss. With only bad memories ahead at the one place you felt you once belonged to, you travel to the only place where you will truly belong.
(http://i.imgur.com/g6gh2bc.jpg)
There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.
GOOD END

Death: You attain liberation from samsara about 300 years from now alongside friends after becoming a bodhisattva.

Last Words: "You only lose what you cling to."

Number: Noble 8.
 
Color: Red, but not scarlet

This could be interesting.....
1. Youmu
2. Nitori
3. Reisen
4. Cirno
5. Eirin
6. Iku
7. Kogasa
8. Satori
9. Koishi
10. Aya
Wuff. Some of y'all are not making it easy to find the common thread here. It's even harder to make them comedic, but that's not a necessity I guess.
 
Future: A fascination with everything that goes VOOM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiDuy4mrWU) will lead you from motorcycles to cars, and eventually, jets. After a 53 successful flight missions, you'll start work on the things and will quickly discover the inherent hilarity in stuffing any object in a jet engine and seeing what comes out the other side. Not to mention placing miniature engines in amusing places like on the coffee machine. Or your noisy colleague's locker. Or your boss's private toilet. Your antics don't go unnoticed, especially after you knock the building of one of your smaller workplaces off its foundation, and you are shipped to NASA in a box blindfolded with your hands bound and your mouth stuffed with packing peanuts. Your talents are then put to work on rockets and you eventually reach the ISS, where you short-circuit some equipment after some Tang gets on the equipment and you decide licking it off would be a sharp idea.

Death: Crying yourself to death with cancer? No. That's for two-bit hacks. You are the first person to rig a Cadillac with enough rockets to escape earth's orbit. Final transmission comes on your 72nd birthday.

Last Words: "This is Major Tom to ground control. I've left forevermore. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very beautiful today." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaOC9danxNo)

Number: 11.2 km/s

Color: Blue
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: qMyon on October 20, 2013, 12:54:08 AM
Wuff. Some of y'all are not making it easy to find the common thread here. It's even harder to make them comedic, but that's not a necessity I guess.
 
Future: A fascination with everything that goes VOOM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiDuy4mrWU) will lead you from motorcycles to cars, and eventually, jets. After a 53 successful flight missions, you'll start work on the things and will quickly discover the inherent hilarity in stuffing any object in a jet engine and seeing what comes out the other side. Not to mention placing miniature engines in amusing places like on the coffee machine. Or your noisy colleague's locker. Or your boss's private toilet. Your antics don't go unnoticed, especially after you knock the building of one of your smaller workplaces off its foundation, and you are shipped to NASA in a box blindfolded with your hands bound and your mouth stuffed with packing peanuts. Your talents are then put to work on rockets and you eventually reach the ISS, where you short-circuit some equipment after some Tang gets on the equipment and you decide licking it off would be a sharp idea.

Death: Crying yourself to death with cancer? No. That's for two-bit hacks. You are the first person to rig a Cadillac with enough rockets to escape earth's orbit. Final transmission comes on your 72nd birthday.

Last Words: "This is Major Tom to ground control. I've left forevermore. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very beautiful today." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaOC9danxNo)

Number: 11.2 km/s

Color: Blue

Wahaha! This is absolutely awesome! Nice work!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: LadyScarlet on October 20, 2013, 01:49:19 AM
1. Flandre Scarlet
2. Remilia Scarlet
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Aya Shameimaru
5. Alice Margatroid
6. Youmu Konpaku
7. Hong Meiling
8. Yukari Yakumo
9. Reisen Udongein Inaba
10. Satori Komeiji

Wisdom please.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: KaiserKnuckle on October 20, 2013, 03:59:51 AM
Future:

Simply put, I love you.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on October 21, 2013, 12:35:50 PM
Let us go, son of man.
1. Gengetsu
2. Yumemi Okazaki
3. Byakuren Hijiri
4. Shinki
5. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
6. Utsuho Reiuji
7. Rumia
8. Kana Anaberal
9. Yumeko
10. Yuuka Kazami
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: draganuv15 on October 21, 2013, 02:14:56 PM
1. Kaguya
2. Eirin
3. Keine
4. Byakuren
5. Benben
6. Reimu
7. Reisen
8. Kokoro
9. Sekibanki
10. Wriggle

I'm so not ready for this but bring it.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: NekoNekoRex on October 21, 2013, 03:34:16 PM
Quote
and spend the rest of your hard-earned money on a tanning booth for your former boss.
hah
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: KuroArashi100 on October 21, 2013, 06:45:44 PM
1. Koishi Komeiji
2. Nitori Kawashiro
3. Suwako Moriya
4. Nazrin
5. Yuuka Kazami
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Toyosatomimi no Miko
8. Fujiwara no Mokou
9. Suika Ibuki
10. Shinmyoumaru Sukuna

Let's see what the future will bring.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 21, 2013, 07:19:51 PM
Here we go
Chiyuri
Yumemi
Eiki
Rika
Reimu
Ellen
Kotohime
Mima
Kana
Komachi
I guess
How did you send this out, anyway? Did your granddaughter submit it? Anyway, THEME TUNE ACTIVATE! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1YeCqSdbI8)
 
Future: Some time after returning from the war, you started work as the reel operator at a petting pantry downtown. You were real stuck on the Sheba minding the till, but that falls through after a night on the town reveals her to be a heeler at the hop and a real Mrs. Grundy to boot. One fine morning, you and Obadiah Finklepot, a real swell pal of yours, went to a local drug store for a simply ducky phosphate when it occured to you that you could trick the sap at the junkyard to sell you parts from old flivvers that you'd repair and sell. After all, you two knew your onions when it came to automobiles. You bought enough parts to make an automobile for a mere 15 clams a pop. Net profit when sold to the unwitting pushovers who make up your customers: 85 simoleans. Now you had it made.  Why, you thought that plan was the cat's pyjamas! Unfortunately, the local constabulary hears of your shenanigans through the grapevine, and you're eventually pinched at the local five and dime while zozzled up on more hooch than a whole speakeasy full of blottos! As the new fish in the slammer, you worked for the chain gang day in and day out until your dogs were killing you. Once released back to society, you were employed for the rest of your days driving a real spiffy jitney in the city.

Death: You've been dead for years from a combination of typhoid fever and your jaw falling off from all the radium water you thought was helping to treat it. Death came at the ripe old age of 49.

Last Words: From your last message sent to your Jane (whose name is Gertrude): IM DOWN TO MY LAST HAIR OF THE DOG STOP GET ME SOME SKEE AT MCCAFFREYS JOINT YOU GOLD DIGGER STOP

Number: Any negative number

Color: Sepia
 
0. Muse
1. Yuuka Kazami.
2. Suika Ibuki.
3. Reimu Hakurei.
4. Byakuren Hijiri.
5. Yumemi Okazaki.
6. Chiyuri Kitashirakawa.
7. Mima.
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou.
9. Ayayaya Shameimaru.
10. Remilia Scarlet.
I have a terrible taste in characters,  so I await a terrible destiny.
Incorrect. You have fair tastes by which I mean I've invested enough time with a number of these characters and can write about them.

Future: You don't give a shit 'bout no one. Yeah. You're a loner and a drunk and you don't give a damn about nothin' else 'cept you 'cuz all you got is yourself and one mean set o' wheels. Built 'er yourself. She's got the muscle and the class to outdo every other car on the road. That baby's treated you real nice. But still not as nice as your girl. She never wanted your wheels or even your booze. She jus' wanted you. And you know what? She's in trouble. Your baby went an' crossed the wrong crowd an' now your baby owes a whole lotta money to the wrong people. You gonna sit on your ass an' let 'er take the heat? Nah. But you don't drive for money no more, right? No more victory laps 'round the race track for you or getaway drives from the cops? Well son, you got one last grand plan in that schemin' head of yours. You set up the local gang to rob a mafia stronghold, drive the escape vehicle and offer to launder the money. So what if half of them don't make it out? But you don't hold up your side of the bargain. You pay off your girl's debt to the mob with their own money and keep the rest to yourself for more Jack and your own body shop. Soon, both the gang and the mob are on your asses, but you got your wheels. An' they don't stand a chance. 200 kliks, 8 wrecks, 12 cop cars, 7 hairpin turns at 150 kilometers per hour, 8000 rpm, and the first recorded instance of someone drifting on a guard rail later, you're gone. Long gone. Ain't nothin' but you, the two who are closest to your heart, and the open road left now.

Death: Still driving for fun, you'll crash headlong into a wall at 62. At least you died doing what you loved.

Last Words: The accident will leave you with an entire v8 engine in your larynx. Whatever it was that you were trying to choke out, you sounded VERY fast doing it.

Number: 3

Color: White and black checkerboard
 
1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Byakuren Hijiri
3. Yuuka Kazami
4. Tewi Inaba
5. Mima
6. Lyrica Prismriver
7. Alice Margatroid
8. Yumeko
9. Eiki-samaaaaaa~
10. Toyosatomimi no Miko
2hu f'tagn
Future: Fueled by revenge, but powered by sheer RIGHTEOUSNESS, yours is the story of a tortured soul ready to be the night itself!  ...Or at least you would if you had any talent for the superhero stuff. You don't. Your first attempt to mimic the Human Torch lands you in the hospital for several months and you lose your burning permit. After some 3 years of working on it, your utility belt only features a pair of toenail clippers, your old college ID, and your inhaler. Not only can you not be a superhero on your own, you also botch the sidekick entrance exam when you're caught using chum as the main ingredient in your shark repellant spray. Hell, you can't even make it with the Avengers for cryin' out loud. You know they have a guy who's considered a superhero simply because he has a bow and some arrows? All in all, your biggest claims to fame are having a bank robber trip over you during a big heist and getting a senile old woman arrested for walking out of the store without paying for her meds. Too bad she doesn't even remember how she wound up in the store, let alone why she went there. Metropolis doesn't need any help, and the city of Gotham puts out a restraining order on you after your are caught attempting to break into the batmobile. Heck, even New Yorkers are fine with Spiderman around. They don't even want someone to take care of the rats on the subway. Nope! The only place you can land a gig is in Omaha, Nebraska. The city of fly-overs. Someone needs to protect phone operators somewhere.

Death: You attempt to train your protege in your high-flying antics. However, things go awry with your grappling hook and you eat the pavement 8 stories below. Your incompetent sidekick, taking your pathetic demonstration a little too seriously, follows suit. After a brief stint as Flatman and Ribbon, both of you succumb to your injuries. You at 38, he at 15. Questions regarding your relationship the boy will far outlast your deeds as a superhero.

Last Words: "This puree tastes like... JUSTICE!"

Number: 0

Color: Midnight blue
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Aba Matindesu! on October 21, 2013, 11:49:39 PM
<snip>

this speaks to me on a spiritual level

i love it
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Validon98 on October 22, 2013, 01:23:17 AM
And my Touhousorter results arrrrrrre...

1- Nue Houjuu
2- Koishi Komeiji
3- Byakuren Hijiri
4- Kogasa Tatara
5- Hata no Kokoro
6- Seija Kijin
7- Kasen Ibaraki
8- Kana Anaberal
9- Shinki
10- Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)

Yup. ^^;
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Nobu on October 22, 2013, 02:21:15 AM
Wow, these are amazing.


1. Suwako Moriya
2. Nazrin
3. Nitori Kawashiro
4. Koishi Komeiji
5. Flandre Scarlet
6. Reimu Hakurei
7. Yumemi Okazaki
8. Cirno
9. Sukuna Shinmyoumaru
10. Satori Komeiji
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Shio Yamote on October 22, 2013, 07:33:52 AM
1. Marisa Kirisame
2. Reimu Hakurei
3. Youmu Konpaku
4. Yukari Yakumo
5. Remilia Scarlet
6. Cirno
7. Sakuya Izayoi
8. Alice Margatroid
9. Fujiwara no Mokou
10. Byakuren Hijiri

What does the future holds for me?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Mr Jovial on October 22, 2013, 11:03:28 AM
Decided to use Touhou sort (http://tohosort.comoj.com/). 426 battles and all my nope later I got results :V


Wath priz awayt me?

EDIT: Booted Kotohime out for being a pain to fight.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Unfortunate on October 22, 2013, 11:40:29 AM
Fool, I choose my own fate!

...but it wouldn't hurt to check, right?

1. Reimu
2. Renko
3. Kosuzu
4. Kokoro
5. Sakuya
6. Marisa
7. Youmu
8. Akyuu
9. Rinnosuke
10. Raiko
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Seppo Hovi on October 22, 2013, 03:59:37 PM
This looks silly.

1. Youmu
2. Mokou
3. Keine
4. Yamame
5. Akyu
6. Genji
7. Yukari
8. Mystia
9. Iku
10. Sizuha

Honorary mention for Daiyousei.

Based completely on how I find their outfits and personalities (and mostly the former of these two), if I went by gameplay aspects it would've taken too long and some characters would've been an unfair advantage for having simply more material to go with (latter bosses compared to stage one bosses, TD compared to PCB, et cetera).
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Darkness1 on October 22, 2013, 04:53:15 PM
Number: 3

Color: White and black checkerboard
Way too accurate. I'm feeling slightly itchy now.
What is your secret?

These stories are enjoyable nonetheless :P
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 22, 2013, 09:39:27 PM
Oh goodie. I can break up Tirade's and Validon's into something more interesting.
1) Satori Komeiji, Patchouli Knowledge
3) Tenshi Hinanawi
4) Kogasa Tatara
5) Mystia Lorelei
6) Reimu Hakurei
7) Rin Kaenbyou (oh how far you've come, somehow)
8) Hata no Kokoro
9) Koakuma
10) Kyouko Kasodani
Future: Oh, RDJ the Wise. Your are all-knowing. It will not be long before such intelligence is noticed by a royal family and you are given the noble task of tutoring the next in line for the throne. How wasted it is on a princess who needs summer courses to help her get through Hop on Pop before she hits 15. You'd be close to the girl, but her mouth is perpetually busy screaming at people and has begun to attract flies. Her stupidity and volume has even scared off her kid sister, who you'd much rather be schooling because all you need to do with her is think of a book and she'll have read it, understood it, and written a dissertation on the subjects explored in it. But alas, you have been cursed to endure the ramblings of a girl whose body matured but whose word hole hit the age of an insufferable insatiable infant and then ran that into the ground like a MiG jet in a nose dive. You find some solace in getting pets for her to play with because they sure don't understand spoken language, though many run away simply because the girl is capable of screaming at 130 decibels. A stroke of luck lands you a deaf dog who seems to be immediately endeared to the girl, and the girl to him. However, he's only endeared to the stench wafting from your lady's perpetually open mouth. The dog then bites your princess's outstretched tongue. With the princess paralyzed with shock, the two remain locked together long enough for her kid sister to bear witness to the event, and out of panic and out of confusion reports her sister "snogging the dog" to every last soul within earshot. While still unable to divorce herself from the pooch, the princess condemns your actions. The one person whom you had spent the last 20 years grooming for the crown sends you to the Island of Extreme Pain for your demise.
 
Death: However, it turns out that a shrubbery was blocking part of the sign that said "Welcome to the Island of Extreme Painting!" It's an artisan's tropical paradise, and you take up your new hobbies like a champ. You enjoy another 30 years on the island before dying of a case of scurvy at 88 simply because you were so damn sick of eating fruit.
 
Last Words: While praising the works of your friends and loved ones, you die in agony while condemning all things citrus-y.
 
Number: 6.022*10^23
 
Color: Deep blue
Alright, why don't have a go at this? (Note that there is no order here)
1. Chen
2.  Kogasa Tatara
3. Tokiko
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Wakasagihime
6. Sekibanki
7. Satori Komeiji
8. Rin Kaenbyou
9. Hata no Kokoro
10. Kyouko Kasodani
Future: Oh, you mischievous scamp, you! Late one Halloween night, you sneak a fake head into the driver's seat of your neighbor's craptacular seafoam green 1994 Ford Taurus. Unfortunately, he's got a lit cigar in his craw and the shock causes him to drop it in his yard. It's fall, and the leaves in his yard soon catch fire. He reaches for the only thing he thinks he can smother it with: An umbrella in the back seat. However, this proves wildly ineffective, and pretty soon the guy is sprinting down the street, still clutching to the umbrella. The sight of a man running down the street holding onto a flaming object causes a kitten to panic and flee, scampering into her owner's house. The owner happens to be a little old lady, who attempts to get out of her rocking chair when she sees the kitten plow through the cat door. The base of the rocking chair then smunches the tail of the kitten's already excited mother, causing the cat to go screaming out the same way from which the kitten came. The cat rockets out of the house in a screeching, panicky clamor straight at an ibis which had parked itself at the lake across the street. The ibis flies away from the poor cat, landing in what it thought was a safe stream at the other end of town. Hungry from its exhaustion, the ibis goes in search of a big catch in the local waters, only to find out that the stream leads to the town dam. She catches her quarry just before getting sucked into the turbines at the base of the dam. Miraculously surviving the dam's inner workings, the ibis and fish shoot out of the turbines and into the face of dam's operator, who, now wearing the two like some bizarre form of headgear, inadvertantly smashes a control panel in an attempt to break her fall. This causes the entire workings of the dam to experience a voltage spike, which includes the speakers at, ironically enough, an AC/DC concert. The spike causes the speakers to blow out, creating a shockwave that levels half the town. WATCH ME EXPLOOOOOOODE indeed.
 
Death:  Aware of the results of the first half of your mischief, you will try to hide in plain sight at the concert. When the police at the concert start getting a bit chatty on their walkie-talkies, you will try to hide behind one of the speakers when the spike hits. Strangely enough, the shockwave is enough to hurtle you through the air, landing you at the foot of the now hearing-impaired police. The blow does you in at the age of 14.
 
Last Words: Enough curse words that your mother would kill you simply because you would choke on the number of bars of soap needed to clean your potty mouth, mister!
 
Number: Pi. After all, what goes around comes around.
 
Color: Turquoise
1. Youmu
2. Marisa
3. Alice
4. Nue
5. Patchouli
6. Yuyuko
7. Reimu
8. Satori
9. Cirno
10. Luna
The only ones that are really solid are the first five.
Tirade gets a bit of a special one, but I had to cut down on the content. A short time from now in a galaxy very, very close by... (http://starwars.com/play/online-activities/crawl-creator/index.jsp?cs=fam6abw4fa)
Looks fun, so I'll give this a shot.
1. Tenshi Hinanawi
2. Koakuma
3. Reisen Udongein Inaba
4. Rin Kaenbyou
5. Keine Kamishirasawa
6. Sekibanki
7. Hata no Kokoro
8. Kagerou Imaizumi
9. Kaguya Houraisan
10. Koishi Komeiji
I think you get the reward for having the most K's in your list.

Future: After a wildly successful start to your career in the medical field, you find yourself a bit bored with fighting over grants and performing abdominal surgeries on really fat guys. Hence, you set out to pull a Dr. Frankenstein with your Renfieldian best friend as your underling. Well, she'd look like Renfield if she didn't look so hot in that tight blouse and vest combo and the short pencil skirt that did nothing to hide her shapely, thigh-high stocking clad legs that never ended, not to mention her flowing long hair and huge b-uh, brain... ANYWAY, her posture isn't that great so it counts. I think? The two of you set forth, robbing graves for the right parts, eventually constructing a fearsome monster, which you reanimate with a bolt of lightning in the castle you rented just for this purpose. However, you didn't quite put the bolts in the monster's neck just right, and the thing's head falls off. You're left with a lumbering, headless beast, and the two of you are back out the next night looking for a fresh head. The first one you find looks like it belonged to a guido, and the second has a voice that sounds like it took a shot to the nether regions. Eventually, the two of you tour the country for your monster's head. You eventually settle on putting Don Knotts' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Knotts) head on the creature.  However, he's perpetually stuck in Barney Fife mode, and nervously and incompetently meanders about L.A. His antics are endearing, however, as are his silly expressions and goofy laugh, and the two of you return home with your monster.
 
Death: You get married to your reanimated sweetheart and live out the rest of your days together until you die at the age of 78 in relative comfort. Luckily, the matter of children never comes up. The monster gets bored after being alone for a bit and your former underling won't return its phone calls in which it simply breathes heavily and moanes into the receiver. In the end, it simply clambers into an open grave for a sleep. Unfortunately, this happens during a funeral.
 
Last Words: "I never would've thought that a giant monstrosity incapable of restraint would make such a great chiropractor!"
 
Number: 1818
 
Color: Pallid green
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Fetch()tirade on October 23, 2013, 12:05:10 AM
Tirade gets a bit of a special one, but I had to cut down on the content. A short time from now in a galaxy very, very close by... (http://starwars.com/play/online-activities/crawl-creator/index.jsp?cs=fam6abw4fa)
:teaspit:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Kasu on October 23, 2013, 01:03:47 AM
Ahahah, that was amazing as I'd hoped it'd be!

I think you get the reward for having the most K's in your list.
Oh man I didn't even notice that.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 23, 2013, 06:56:03 PM
I'm having more fun writing Alcor's than I should.
1. Kaku Seiga
2. Toyosatomimi no Miko
3. Tatara Kogasa
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Komeiji Satori
6. Hijiri Byakuren
7. Watatsuki no Toyohime
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou
9. Miyako Yoshika
10. Mai
Oh dear. No happy endings here.
 
Future: Congrats, hot shot! You earned your spot as the CEO for MegalomaniaCorp. as it is referred to by just about everyone who's not employed there, through a series of nepotism, arson, blind luck, and more nepotism. So what do you do when you have your hand in nearly every type of business the world over, as well as more than you fair share of cookie jars? Why, take more, of course! On the surface you play dumb and even sweet, and your lack of presence (initially) gives you all the more power to abuse. A combination of insight and foresight serve you quite well, and your conglomeration starts assimillating competitors - even formidable ones - left and right. Your compensation is jacked up and you start to make a push to cut employee pay in order to have more funds to expand your business even further. Your legion of well-paid and well-fed lawyers helps delay or dismiss any legal action against you. Even in extreme cases, your company has more money than God, so when it comes to anti-trust laws, fines are simply paid away and its easy enough to blame things on your underlings should it come down to jail time when the bribes don't work. The abuses add up, and you face huge public opposition for the way you treat... everyone, really. The strikebreakers you employ would make the Pinkertons blush, and then you treat them without respect, either. This quickly boils down to the people who will lick your boots and the throngs that won't, and hell breaks loose. Your mistreated employees suddenly rebel at numerous key facilities in force. You then retreat to your estate, hoping to sit it out.  In the middle of a cold winter night, a detachment from one of the groups of people whom you thought was loyal to you breaks in and sets the place ablaze in the dead of a cold winter night.
 
Death: The one good thing that comes from the fall is your lack of resistance to it. Awash with guilt, you will simply walk out of your home and let winter's cold claim you at 61.
 
Last Words: You won't really have much to say. The last time you speak to much of anyone will be dismissing your secretary and your chauffer, both of whom seem indifferent to the disasters taking place.
 
Number: Any number greater than 1. After all, the only thing you were left with was 0.
 
Color: Grey
 
Contritium praecedit superbia. Pax melior est quam iustissimum bellum. Non nobis solum nati sumus. In nullum avarus bonus est, in se pessimus. Salus populi suprema lex esto. An nescis, mi fili, quantilla prudentia mundus regatur?
 
1. Keine
2. Mystia
3. Alice
4. Toyosatomimi
5. Merlin
6. Patchouli
7. Yukari
8. Parsee
9. Marisa
10. Unzan

Future: Settling in as the school's music teacher was supposed to be easy enough, but you got the wrong school. Third period is filled with enough sociopaths, schizophrenics, and serial killers to fill a prison psych ward. Attendance is also lacking. Probably because the few decent students in the class were smart enough to refuse to come. Or they were eaten by the other students. The typical class routine involves taking attendance, getting in some singing before the girl trying to sleep in the back has a night terror, attempting to teach the students in non-malevolent ways to use musical instruments, trying to prevent open rebellion, and then hiding under your desk waiting for the bell to ring before bringing in the janitor to sweep away all the broken glass. You try the hip teacher act once before one of them lodges a pair of castanets in his ear in such a fashion that he thinks that someone is doing a flamenco dance every time he moves his head. Others refuse instruments because they want to attempt to play two tubas simultaneously, or because they believe the cabasas you have are haunted and condemn them to eternal damnation before trying to escape by a ventilation duct that's about 5 sizes too small for them to escape through. The last day in that job is parent-teacher conference night. You realize that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and you are now overlooking a crowd filled with the adult versions of all the little psychos that you attempt to keep busy for a 55 minute block each day. You're chased out by a bunch of angry parents wielding recorders and trumpets like they were the angry fist of God.
 
Death: You fulfill your life's secret dream by meeting Macho Man Randy Savage. He's unusually buff for someone who's been out of the spotlight for so long, and your attempt to give him the biggest bear hug you can manage is fully reciprocated. The local hospital declares you deceased at the age of 49. The good news is that you took 20 inches off your waistline!
 
Last Words: Leaving this earth with a high-pitched "Yaaaaaay~!" is not the worst way to go out. Pancho Villa's "tell them I said something" out of context beats out yours.
 
Number: 4/4 time.
 
Color: Green
 
Truly my destiny and future are nothing but red
1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Satori Komeiji
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Remilla Scarlet
5. Hidea no Akyuu
6. Nue !@#!@$!@$!#!@#!@#
7. Marisa Kirisame
8. Yuyuko Dreamcaskuji
9. Mystia Lolilei
10. Reisen Udongein Inaba

Future: You live a life of nominal importance until you attend a rock concert in which you headbang so hard that the blow to your melon puts you into a coma for 3 weeks. You awaken to find yourself with no recollection of who you are, but you seem to be gifted with a fantastic intelligence. The boost proves to be a boon almost immediately, as you graduate from the Univesity of Oxford with a flawless record in pre-med. However, you slowly realize that your intelligence has only risen by so much, and research it enough to whack your head in just the right manner to increase your intelligence once again after a prolonged hospital stay. Eventually, this gift of yours becomes the subject of your doctoral thesis. You recruit hundreds of volunteers (and some uh.. INvolunteers) to be bludgeoned across the head in certain ways with a variety of different objects. With your experimentations finished, you write your thesis, entitled "The Significance of Frozen Sturgeon-based Blunt Force Trauma to the Frontal Lobe and its Correlation with Angiogenesis and Subsequent Neurogeneration and Increased Neuron Activity in the Central Nervous System." Your studies are a hit (no pun intended) and before long, you have a medical doctorate and go on the air demonstrating  how whacking someone across the face with a fish is best for their well-being. Attempting to break through the realm of normal human mental capacity, you attempt this feat a third time, only to find that the two previous blows to your head have thrown off your coordination. The sickening crunch that follows serves as the harbinger of the rest of your life as an individual who couldn't beat an asparagus at a game of Scrabble. You'll be lucky to get away with a win during games of Don't-Lick-That now. You still retire in luxury, forever wondering when the birds and stars floating around your head will shut up.
 
Death: You keep attempting to replicate your previous success with head trauma until it proves too much. This still comes when you're 81 and starting to succumb to dementia anyhow.
 
Last Words: You recite the amino acids present in insulin in alphabetical order before declaring your love for applesauce.
 
Number: The natural log of 85.
 
Color: Clear. You have an episode where you forget to put your clothes on for the day. When questioned by the local police, you tell them that's what color your clothes are. They let you go out of pity. It only works the first few times, though.
 
1. Parsee
2. Iku
3. Seiga
4. Renko
5. Shikieiki
6. Tenshi
7. Miko
8. Keine
9. Alice
10. Sakuya

Future:  You're one cool cat. You know that, The clubs know that. But Hollywood never did. You and your hip moves got passed up for that chump Travolta. That square of a director passed you up 'cuz you knew how to stomp in a most totatlly tubular fashion all while clad in the tightest threads since the Bee Gees sang three octaves higher than your average male. Well pretty soon that turkey's gonna be singin' a different tune. So you go cruisin' downtown in your groovy set of wheels (a '49 Mercury Coupe) to set him straight. If he can't dig you bustin' a move, you'll be bustin' his lip, capiche? Without so much as a knock on his door, you're up in that goof's face. "How come I never got the part, man? I can boogie better than Johnny can any day." Then reality hits you in just the wrong way, like a Pinto hitting... anything, really. "You never auditioned for the role of Tony, son" says the totally bogus director. "You tried to pass yourself off as Stephanie despite your beard. We even kicked you outta here because you came to the audition with a cardboard cutout of John with your lipstick smeared all over its face. Not to mention, it's 2017. We shot Saturday Night Fever like 40 years ago." "You ain't so awesome possum. What's Johnny done with his career since then? He still as funkadelic fresh as I am? Didn't think so." Seconds later, you are dragged out of the building with blood running down your nose. Several days later, you find yourself in jail for tresspassing and aggravated assault. But it don't matter none, 'cuz you still got the fever. Ya dig it, brothaman?
 
Death: You're cuttin' rugs from New York to L.A. until you're 91. You attempt to break dance one more time. You both dance and break.
 
Last Words: "Disco ain't dead, you square!"
 
Number: The 1970's
 
Color: Tacky colors that never really went with anything. Your friends and relatives will want to scrub their eyes clean after each visit to your house.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Phlegeth on October 23, 2013, 08:21:04 PM
1.  Marisa Kirisame
2.  Watatsuki no Yorihime
3.  Yuuka Kazami
4.  Kasen Ibaraki
5.  Yuugi Hoshiguma
6.  Rumia
7.  Sekibanki
8.  Hong Meiling
9.  Seiga Kaku
10.  Tewi Inaba
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zil on October 24, 2013, 06:39:16 AM
How did you send this out, anyway? Did your granddaughter submit it?
You caught me. I'm secretly a cute 7 year old granddaughter~ <3
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 24, 2013, 06:30:20 PM
I'm gettng these done exclusively at work. The only reason I don't get more done more frequently is because I'm being given other people's work. My job is terrible. Seriously.
1. Byakuren Hijiri
2. Suwako Moriya
3. Keine Kamishirasawa
4. Sanae Kochiya
5. Kagerou Imaizumi
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Seiga Kaku
8. Hatate Himekaidou
9. Kosuzu Motoori
10. Shiki Eiki
I knew someone would have real taste.
 
Future: A very poorly executed (and very contrived) solo hang gliding attempt results in you crashing into a cliffside, burying you up past your waste in the sedimentary rock wall. After flailing around for a bit, you discover that you have agitated an entire society of Lilliputians eking out their tiny lives in a groove  just below you. They instantly begin worshipping you against your will, but you roll with it. You clear their land for agriculture, collect some rainwater for their fields, and swat away a hungry crow WITH THE GREAT FIST OF HOLY JUSTICE! You then teach unto your new disciples all of your wisdom and lore. That is to say, you give them the knowledge of someone with a Bachelor's in philosophy and a boatload of nerd trivia. Statues very vaguely representing Hatsune Miku and Red Mage from 8-bit Theater soon pop up around town. They develop quickly with your wisdom and benevolence, though the cramps and steady raw-crow diet are starting to get to you. Just before you lose feeling in your feet, the Lilliputians have reached an age of enlightenment (and Vocaloid worship) and develop incredible medicines and machines. Their futures secure in their technology, they free you from your bonds. However, one has taken quite a shine to you during your time stuck in the cliffside, and the two of you get hitched in their grandest temple: A 2 foot tall box with your name scribbled on the side. The honeymoon is a thrill because you only need to spend money on 1.01 people, and the extra money goes in the bank. They make a grand palace for you two, which is a 24 cubic foot hut with one room. Things go well for you after that and your return to society. You even get a pet wolfhound, which scares your wife to no end, considering she is the size of a single bit of kibble. Things go great for you, though you prove to be unexciting in the sack, and intimacy suffers. You've got more than a strong enough bond to go through with it, though.
 
Death: You inhale your wife in your sleep and choke to death at 84. She makes it out OK though.
 
Last Words: "Eggs for breakfast tomorrow, dear?" Maybe it WASN'T an accident!
It was.

Number: 15
 
Color: Rainbow hugs and happiness
 
How this came about without Shinmyoumaru in the top 10, I dunno.

OK. I have to do this.
1. Rin Kaenbyou
2. Marisa Kirisame
3. Sakuya Iyazoi
4. Yuuka Kazami
5. Patchouli Knowledge
6. Tenshi Hinanawi
7. Ran Yakumo
8. Yuugi Hoshiguma
9. Komachi Onozuka
10. Utsuho Reiuji
(This is constructed from memory because I didn't want to go through a whole touhousort again, though I should at some point!)

Future: YOU ARE BRUTALLY MURDERED BY YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! Sorta. He got drunk after a hard day at work and passed out, hitting the table in such a way that you take a steak knife to the temple. The blow only puts you in a coma. He dresses you in a unicorn horn to cover up the wound and drags you out of the house seeking a way to revive you that won't implicate him in MAAAANSLAUGHTER! Meanwhile, you are so close to Death that you can feel him breathing down your neck. After all, you're having a dream that involves standing in a really cramped line at Dairy Queen with him behind you. Gotta get that peach smoothie! The cramped quarters lead to a conversation, and the conversation leads to a date. Pretty soon, you're seriously testing the waters with him. He seems friendly enough, and he has his moments, but you just can't commit. Eventually, you feel just comfortable enough with Death to spend the night at his place. His house is a total dump and you find out Death hasn't done anything with his un-life in the past 150,000 years. After, you confront Death about his lack of motivation and why he hasn't taken charge of his life or his job. It leads to a spat, and the two of you break up. It's a good thing, too, because your SO has finally found a way to revive you. After a 150 mile trek through backroads, fields, and forests, your SO finds a nuclear power plant. He rips apart a cable he finds deep in the facility and jabs you with the raw, arcing tips of it, sending well more than 1.21 gigawatts through you. The knife shoots out of your skull with the unicorn horn attached, lodging itself in a similar position in his head. You then have to repeat the same misadventures that he experienced. He awakens later, reporting a similar brush with Death. Apparently, Death had gotten over you rather quickly (and is bi), but you always thought that he seemed like that type..         
 
Death: You maintain a working yet awkward relationship with Death until he murders your SO at the age of 107 from a combination of burn wounds from his motorcycle blowing up, lupus, and terminal cancer from all that radiation from so many years ago. You and Death have a spat about the incident, and Death turns out to be a real whiny, self-important and jealous jerk. The two of you break off your relationship for some time. Later, Death pays you a visit for what you think is going to be an apology and a pity party. It's actually a business trip. You die at 103.
 
Last Words: "Well I know it's your job to claim the souls of the dead, but that doesn't mean you have to be such a giant jealous douche about it!"
 
Number: 617
 
Color: Purple
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: trancehime on October 25, 2013, 08:36:19 AM
goddamn

if i were drinking something, the one you did for UK's would have made me spit my drink everywhere

god damn
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Drake on October 25, 2013, 09:38:10 AM
UK's is so good.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Raikaria on October 25, 2013, 10:10:23 AM
Why has it taken this long for me to pop my head in here?

1. Shinki
2. Rumia
3. Yuuka
4. Kogasa
5. Elly
6. Seiga
7. Seija
8. Rika
9. Yukari
10. Remilia
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: UncertainJakutten on October 25, 2013, 05:38:37 PM
My horoscope fills me with dread because it means my current relationship is fated for failure, *and* that I'll be going out with a dude at some point again D:!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 25, 2013, 05:41:09 PM
I don't spy on people's relationships! I'm glad people are still poking their heads in though. Writing these has been my greatest accomplishment at my current job. That bad? That bad.
1. Keine
2. Mokou
3. Reimu
4. Yuuka
5. Youmu
6. Patchouli
7. Marisa
8. Yuugi
9. Miko
10. Nitori
They make such a great pair.
 
Future: "Good morrow to you, sirs, and welcome to the deepest, darkest depths of the Amazon! 'Tis quite a perilous journey that you and your companions have endured just to reach a treacherous locale! Rest well, for when dawn comes, we shall map and probe the corners of the earth hidden from mankind since the beginning of time! Tread lightly, for we may encounter the voracious piranha, the poisonous trouser snake, and the terrifying electrified bad-smelling exploding sabertooth lesbian bulimic baboon. We lost Dr. Wellington to one last week. Very sticky. Anyway, pull up a wet, fungus-covered log and enjoy our makeshift fire. We've got plenty of two-year-old hardtack, swill, and rotten meat to enjoy. After we fend off a panther, we'll settle in for the night. You may borrow Mr. Clark's sleeping bag. He won't be needing it since he died of dysentery last night. You did wash out Clark's sleeping bag out, did you not, Watson? I sure hope so. Very well, then. Please take your three soggy rations as well as the following supplies: A rusty, warped machete, a broken pocket knife for defense, rope that may or may not be from the time of the second Punic war, and a fresh pair of boots, by which I mean there's a dog-sized spider with a fresh attitude in one of them. Also, Mr. Sherwood is in control of the repeating rifle since he seems to be the only one amongst us who can inspect and test it without looking down the barrel. Very well, then. Let us retire for the evening. Be sure to put up the mosquito nets. The ones we had last night were as big as cats and you'll need your blood to wade through 5 miles of leech-infested waters tomorrow. And the next person to scream as loud as Coddington did when he was dragged into the night will not receive the same search party to find his remains! Sleep well, gentlemen!"
 
Death: You attempt to kiss your beloved and she doesn't reciprocate. Your beloved happens to be an 20 foot long crocodile. Luckily, she doesn't happen to worry about grocery shopping for some time later. Death claims you at 58.
 
Last Words: "Now in truth, gentlemen, there are no beasts in the jungle that cannot be tamed. Allow me to demonstrate with Muffy here."
 
Number: 50 kilograms of gear. How do these people manage?
 
Color: Jungle green
 
1. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
2. Yuuka Kazami
3. Utsuho Reiuji
4. Fujiwara no Mokou
5. Shinki
6. Yukari Yakumo
7. Nue Houjuu
8. Toyosatomimi no Miko
9. Kanako Yasaka
10. Eirin Yagokoro

Future: The year is 200X (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68I3j2luW64#t=1m6s). You're General Kilgore, the hero of the Canadian-American war. After serving your beloved country for more than two decades and receiving the Medal of Honor 17 times and the Jumbo Deluxe Medal of Honor thrice, your government betrays you because you know. Too. Much. You escape your assassination attempt involving an assassin with a nuclear bomb, though you are horribly scarred by the searing radiation. Vowing revenge, you set up a base inside a volcano that spews neon red radioactive goo and you attract a horde of goons that all wear cheesy biker helmets so you can't see their faces. You even kidnap the U.S.'s top scientist, Dr. Cindy Rella, so you can force her to engineer a missile that will release a radioactive cloud over the country that wronged you, subjecting hundreds of millions to the same fate you have endured. But the U.S. has the one man who can take you out on their side...
 
Rex Scorpion. He's part man, part cyber-soldier, part ninja, part time help at the Red Cross, and he's out to part you a new one. He's your former protege and he's got the tools for the job: A cigar and two eight-barreled shotguns. The stage is set for your greatest battle. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK0P1Bk8Cx4) Rex parachutes into your lair from the U.S.'s base on the moon. He swoops in, blowing away your mooks with his shotguns while they couldn't hope to hit him once with an arsenal of laser machine guns. They give the A-Team, Death Star stormtroopers, and blind people with no hands a bad name so far as marksmanship goes. Your army is torn to shreds and perforated more times than all the pages in a 24 subject notebook combined. Before long, he's rescued the lovely Dr. Rella (and the entire can of Aqua Net hairspray she put into her Princess Di-esque feathered hair) and sends the lone, unarmed girl with no military training out into the facility to secure an escape route.
 
Your grand strategy of throwing mobs of useless thugs against a walking weapons cache while watching monitors in your throne room has failed! Rex barges in, killing your right hand man by slicing him open with a cyber samurai sword. "Mind if I cut in?" he growls, lit cigar in his lips. Instead of opening the trap door to your cyber shark pit which is placed immediately below him right away, you have a 5 minute monologue about your grand plans for domination, giving Rex plenty of time to reload. "You'll never win, general. 'Cuz I've got a lady back home to protect. Lady Liberty. And she's got better things to do than watch you wave your little missile at her." Rex pulls out of his pocket a box with a 5 foot long antenna and a single button on it and pushes it. He rigged the radioactive missile with explosives off-camera! The blast knocks you off your feet. This gives Rex enough time to punch a 4 letter passcode into your personal Apple III computer, irreversibly setting off your base's self-destruct sequence. With your plans for revenge foiled, you battle Rex in a climactic kung-fu battle for the ages.
 
Death: Rex Dragon Kicks your ass off a catwalk that would fail every last OSHA regulation in the book and you plummet into the heart of the radioactive volcano. "It's been a blast, general" Rex quips with a smirk. You see him flee as the base explodes around you just as you meet your demise at 51. Rex barrels out of the facility with Dr. Rella in one arm and both 8 barreled shotguns in the other while riding his combination F-15 jet/Harley Davidson motorcycle out of there. They have a romantic moment on a cliff overlooking the remnants of your base despite having met each other 15 minutes ago. Roll credits (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=129kuDCQtHs).
 
Last Words: As you fall to your doom, the camera pans out and spins to a sickening degree. With your last breaths, you shout at Rex. "Curse you! Curse your family! Curse your children!. And your children's children! Vile, vile Scorpioooooo-" *BOOM*
 
Number: T-1000
 
Color: Any neon color capable of performing impromptu laser eye surgery on anyone who glances at it.
 
There you go, Shim. Now start posting in the KoDP thread again.

Ooh, fun times! Let's see...
1 Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
2 Koishi Komeiji
3 Yuyuko Saigyouji
4 Sariel
5 Byakuren Hijiri
6 Shinmyoumaru Sukuna
7 Hata no Kokoro
8 Satori Komeiji
9 Tenshi Hinanawi
10 Ran Yakumo
(I did an entire touhousort for this. Why do I like all final bosses and two extras and Satori. Why. I even tried to base this more on personality I liked.)
Tohosort's always good to see how much things have changed regarding your fandom every so often. Read a dozen doujins or some older canon material, and watch how many places are shook up.
 
Future: Your sweet, innocent obliviousness of the armageddon-level catastrophes you have caused have extended back through your family for generations. Great-granddad left the stove on in the Hindenburg, Grandma playing jump rope with friends near the Tacoma Narrows Bridge (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tacoma_Narrows_Bridge_(1940)) was the last nail in its coffin, and uncle Artyom played tug o' war using a power line with his pet dog out in Chernobyl. The same trait of being an innocent walking disaster area starts young. Little did you know, while being driven home from the hospital after your birth, you tugged on your father's hair when he was driving into your garage, causing him to careen into a support beam. Making your first home unsafe for living was just the start, and you soon cause a torrent of disasters, resulting in your parents giving you up for adoption. Three adoption homes (and two very understanding adoptive parents) later, you were released to the real world, your destructive skills remaining dormant. Soon they will reawaken. In spades. It starts with a gas leak that levels your first workplace in the middle of the night and gets progressively worse from there. Someone finally rats on you (speaking of which, you inadvertently start a giant rat infestation), and you become a social outcast. Eventually, your landlord awards you with the deed to an entire block of apartments and all the other tenants flee. Days later, you pick at a chipped section of a cinderblock and the entire building implodes. It's a good thing you're such a chipper, positive person, or the years of isolation would really wear on you. You try to build a log cabin in the forest, but it burns down. You then try to build a house out of i-beams and sheet metal, but it burns down. Finally, you build a house from coral in the ocean, but an oil tanker crashes on top of it, causing it to burn down. Seeking a purpose to all of this misfortune, you offer your... ability to be used for the good of the public. You are later used to clear minefields, cause landslides and avalanches, and are even sent into space to draw away an asteroid that would've otherwise hit earth. It hits your space shuttle, though.
 
Death: You manage to avoid being a part of all the catastrophes you cause by sheer luck. Even Death doesn't want anything to do with you, and when you're finally satisfied with your life, you deliberately drive a knife into your temple at 118. The blow doesn't prove to be enough, and you only have a vision of Death at a Dairy Queen. You have a conversation with him, and he whines about how bad his love life has been, which makes sense considering what a whiny stiff he is. You grill him on that until it's the scythe for you. Death breaks a hip in the process.
 
Last Words: You're 118! You're last words were some 6 years earlier when you hit on the sprightly young nonagenarian who lived down the hall in the nursing home. "Mrs. Grundy, you wanna come over my place and swap dentures?" Man, you have your moments.
 
Number: 10000 feet. It will be a minimum distance restraining order put on you by the entire human race.
 
Color: Rosy pink innocence.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: commandercool on October 25, 2013, 06:12:42 PM
Future: "Good morrow to you, sirs, and welcome to the deepest, darkest depths of the Amazon! 'Tis quite a perilous journey that you and your companions have endured just to reach a treacherous locale! Rest well, for when dawn comes, we shall map and probe the corners of the earth hidden from mankind since the beginning of time! Tread lightly, for we may encounter the voracious piranha, the poisonous trouser snake, and the terrifying electrified bad-smelling exploding sabertooth lesbian bulimic baboon. We lost Dr. Wellington to one last week. Very sticky. Anyway, pull up a wet, fungus-covered log and enjoy our makeshift fire. We've got plenty of two-year-old hardtack, swill, and rotten meat to enjoy. After we fend off a panther, we'll settle in for the night. You may borrow Mr. Clark's sleeping bag. He won't be needing it since he died of dysentery last night. You did wash out Clark's sleeping bag out, did you not, Watson? I sure hope so. Very well, then. Please take your three soggy rations as well as the following supplies: A rusty, warped machete, a broken pocket knife for defense, rope that may or may not be from the time of the second Punic war, and a fresh pair of boots, by which I mean there's a dog-sized spider with a fresh attitude in one of them. Also, Mr. Sherwood is in control of the repeating rifle since he seems to be the only one amongst us who can inspect and test it without looking down the barrel. Very well, then. Let us retire for the evening. Be sure to put up the mosquito nets. The ones we had last night were as big as cats and you'll need your blood to wade through 5 miles of leech-infested waters tomorrow. And the next person to scream as loud as Coddington did when he was dragged into the night will not receive the same search party to find his remains! Sleep well, gentlemen!"
 
Death: You attempt to kiss your beloved and she doesn't reciprocate. Your beloved happens to be an 20 foot long crocodile. Luckily, she doesn't happen to worry about grocery shopping for some time later. Death claims you at 58.
 
Last Words: "Now in truth, gentlemen, there are no beasts in the jungle that cannot be tamed. Allow me to demonstrate with Muffy here."
 
Number: 50 kilograms of gear. How do these people manage?
 
Color: Jungle green

I deem this "super accurate, probably". Now where's my canteen, steamboat, and ropes?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: theshirn on October 25, 2013, 07:00:27 PM
Last Words: As you fall to your doom, the camera pans out and spins to a sickening degree. With your last breaths, you shout at Rex. "Curse you! Curse your family! Curse your children!. And your children's children! Vile, vile Scorpioooooo-" *BOOM*
 
There you go, Shim. Now start posting in the KoDP thread again.
I am well pleased.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: an unmatched sock on October 25, 2013, 11:23:51 PM
Quote
Tohosort's always good to see how much things have changed regarding your fandom every so often. Read a dozen doujins or some older canon material, and watch how many places are shook up.

Yeah, but last time I tried this, only half of the ones on this list were in the top 10 (and Sukuna wasn't even known yet...), and the rest made more sense. Sure, most of them were Stage 4 bosses (I think), but still.
 
Quote
Future: Your sweet, innocent obliviousness of the armageddon-level catastrophes you have caused have extended back through your family for generations. Great-granddad left the stove on in the Hindenburg, Grandma playing jump rope with friends near the Tacoma Narrows Bridge (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tacoma_Narrows_Bridge_(1940)) was the last nail in its coffin, and uncle Artyom played tug o' war using a power line with his pet dog out in Chernobyl. The same trait of being an innocent walking disaster area starts young. Little did you know, while being driven home from the hospital after your birth, you tugged on your father's hair when he was driving into your garage, causing him to careen into a support beam. Making your first home unsafe for living was just the start, and you soon cause a torrent of disasters, resulting in your parents giving you up for adoption. Three adoption homes (and two very understanding adoptive parents) later, you were released to the real world, your destructive skills remaining dormant. Soon they will reawaken. In spades. It starts with a gas leak that levels your first workplace in the middle of the night and gets progressively worse from there. Someone finally rats on you (speaking of which, you inadvertently start a giant rat infestation), and you become a social outcast. Eventually, your landlord awards you with the deed to an entire block of apartments and all the other tenants flee. Days later, you pick at a chipped section of a cinderblock and the entire building implodes. It's a good thing you're such a chipper, positive person, or the years of isolation would really wear on you. You try to build a log cabin in the forest, but it burns down. You then try to build a house out of i-beams and sheet metal, but it burns down. Finally, you build a house from coral in the ocean, but an oil tanker crashes on top of it, causing it to burn down. Seeking a purpose to all of this misfortune, you offer your... ability to be used for the good of the public. You are later used to clear minefields, cause landslides and avalanches, and are even sent into space to draw away an asteroid that would've otherwise hit earth. It hits your space shuttle, though.
 
Death: You manage to avoid being a part of all the catastrophes you cause by sheer luck. Even Death doesn't want anything to do with you, and when you're finally satisfied with your life, you deliberately drive a knife into your temple at 118. The blow doesn't prove to be enough, and you only have a vision of Death at a Dairy Queen. You have a conversation with him, and he whines about how bad his love life has been, which makes sense considering what a whiny stiff he is. You grill him on that until it's the scythe for you. Death breaks a hip in the process.
 
Last Words: You're 118! You're last words were some 6 years earlier when you hit on the sprightly young nonagenarian who lived down the hall in the nursing home. "Mrs. Grundy, you wanna come over my place and swap dentures?" Man, you have your moments.
 
Number: 10000 feet. It will be a minimum distance restraining order put on you by the entire human race.
 
Color: Rosy pink innocence.

Well, that explains why I don't have a garage. I also like how my last moment actually manages to hurt Death. Serves him right. I can actually see most of this happening, frighteningly enough. This is why I'm in college for chemical engineering. I shall realize this destiny! But hopefully at least one of my houses won't burn down. Fate has to have a more creative destruction-causing brain than that!

(How was I not evicted from the nursing home prior due to my inherent causing of catastrophes?)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: SirSlarty on October 26, 2013, 01:43:08 AM
Death: You inhale your wife in your sleep and choke to death at 84. She makes it out OK though.
The whole thing was pretty funny and entertaining but this, this is hilarious!

Color: Rainbow hugs and happiness
Rainbows and miracles!

How this came about without Shinmyoumaru in the top 10, I dunno.
She's high on my list but not top ten.  Quite appropriate for the story I do say though. Good show!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Raikaria on October 26, 2013, 09:11:21 AM
Reading things like 'Armageddon' for people with Okku makes me seriously scared for what mine will be with basically the Touhou Satan as my #1; a being of darkness; someone who may or may not be a Shinigami; and Yuuka. [And Kogasa is there breaking up the 'scare quartet' by failing to scare people]

I look forward to this. 'Tis almost October 31st, after all.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 28, 2013, 05:44:03 PM
I can only spend so much time on these per day, though!
Okay, the hat has been employed

1, Minoriko
2. Hina
3. Sekibanki
4. Byakuren
5. Kisume
6. Shizuha
7. Yuyuko
8. Rumia
9. Sukuna
10. Utsuho
Do I have to shuffle for each individual horoscope?
Please shuffle, rattle and roll for each individual horoscope.
 
Future: Some day, there will be a little girl. She will be just like you and I, and she will have many friends. Each day, she will go out to the top of the hill at the edge of town to play with them before going home each night. When morning comes again, she will race back to the top of the hill, excited to spend another day with her friends. She will come home covered in grass stains and dirt, bumps and cuts, but it will be of no bother to her, since she has so much fun with her friends. So much of her life will revolve around them, and she will be very happy.

One day, she will slip on the wet grass along the path leading to the top of the hill, tumbling down its side. Try as she might, she cannot return to the path. She will injure her leg in the fall, and the way back to the path will be most difficult. Even though she will not look hurt, even though the way back up will not look rough, and even though the hill will not look steep, they all most certainly will be. But she will be the first to leave home that morning, and one by one her friends will pass. "Please help. I am hurt and I don't know if I can make my way back." she will say. One by one, her friends will respond. "What will the others think of me if I struggle to help? Can't you help yourself?" Says the prideful one. "It will take me so much time to help. Can't you help yourself?" Says the lazy one. "I don't know if I could help you. Can't you help yourself?" Says the clueless one. "I may get hurt too. Can't you help yourself?" Says the cowardly one. One by one, they pass, and the little girl will be left all alone. "But I cannot help myself" she will cry. "I am hurt and now all my friends are gone."
 
Finally, her last friend will pass by - you. She may not ask for your help. She may not even say anything to you. But you will see that she is hurt, and will stop to help her. And you will struggle to find a way to help, spending much of the time you could spend with the others to help her, all while straining and hurting yourself in the process. But you will perservere, and you will return the girl to the path. After catching her breath and offering her thanks, she will say "I thought I had no friends. Were you not embarrassed to help? Were you not discouraged, unsure, and afraid?" "Yes," you will answer, "but you are more important to me than my pride, or my time, doubts, or fears." "But no one may know that you helped. They may even laugh if they do." "But I know that I've helped," you say, "and now, my friend, so do you."
 
Death: Naturally at 86
 
Last Words: Per Euripides, "friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness."
 
Number: 2
 
Color: Orange
 
1. Yuuka Kazami
2. Yukari Yakumo
3. Letty Whiterock
4. Kanako Yasaka
5.  Elly
6. Wakasagihime
7. Kagerou Imaizumi
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
9. Yamame Kurodani
10. Satori Komeiji

Future: Who is boss? You is boss. And everyone knows you are boss. Including the guy who you got demoted for bad grammar in that second sentence. You're so boss that you are your boss's boss. Screw central admin. They've got their heads up their asses. You know that. You shoved them up there after they didn't listen to you about the Peasley portfolio. Your top competitor went in and snatched it up after the meeting in Chicago. They went home riding first class in their new private jet eating caviar and drinking the tears of homeless people while you were left sleeping on a park bench with a crying intern while eating ramen out of a cup you found in the trash can! And you walked home. You know why? Because you're the boss. And you love every part of it. Except for Bob. He couldn't send you the meeting minutes from Friday's monthly sales report if you stuffed a transcript up his nose. You know. You did just that. Then he quit and complained about not being able to breathe or brain damage or some shit. But that doesn't matter, because you're the boss. And bosses get to do what they want. Like fire people. People like Mitch from accounting because he retired. After only 30 years with the company? I don't care if you have Parkinson's disease, Mitch. That monthly report is due NOW. Hell, even your pet goldfish and your dog know you are boss. The dog sits and plays dead while providing you with powerpoint presentations covering the improvements in the fetching-to-begging ratio and patterns in the number of times he vomits on the couch per month. The fish keeps a lean poop production schedule and keeps that damn scuba diver in his tank producing bubbles like it was his job. Because it IS. Keep that up and the two of you will be competing for employee of the month, Gadget and Mr. Flippers!
 
Death: HOLY CRAP does retirement suck! Bullying your underlings is "frowned upon" by the brass at those stupid "charities" you offer your services to. It's not even that much fun to make the old ladies who bake cookies at the blood drives to work required overtime. Time to talk in up with the phlebotomists themselves since they seem to be underperforming. What the heck? You're not a donor, but all of them agree that you are all at once, and you're days working over your underlings are done at 70 after a swarm of people with needles decide to draw a dozen pints of blood from you.
 
Last Words: "DAMMIT DEATH! You're not meeting your quota. Do you know how really need help with this?"
 
Number: 1
 
Color: Cyan. That's one of the colors in the printer. Did you swap out the old cartidges for the new one? NO?! Annie, you nitwit, get to it! 
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Hello Purvis on October 28, 2013, 08:20:41 PM
Sadly, she will never learn the whole story, which is that I slicked up the grass with leftover cooking oil to start with and the whole prank went terribly wrong.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 29, 2013, 06:17:30 PM
Well, I never was that good at writing parables and such. I know what I mean. I think.
1. Youmu
2. Reimu
3. Byakuren
4. Mokou
5. Keine
6. Mystia
7. Letty
8. Chen
9. Ran
10. Yuyuko
I'll have you know that 6 of those characters are in my own top 10.
 
Future: Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland. A hero will rise to face off against pompous villains with no real purpose other than puppy-punting and their massive mobs high school dropouts whose wardrobe looks like Gucci and a used car lot had a crack baby. You will stand 270 cm tall (including your hair. which is blonde, orange, and teal). Your name? Ishikawa Goemon Wingates Leblanc Armstrong-no-Mikoto Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky Rightblade/Lightblade (depending on localization) MMLXIII, and you wield a sword longer than your name despite all the villains having access to military hardware. You would use it to shave, but you don't need to. The apocalypse screwed with your aging process and now you're permanently 14 and you are also the messiah of the new world.

After 5 story arcs involving befriending all of the major villains at the end of them and surviving 120 filler episodes, you're ready to charge straight into battle against your greatest foe - your brother. He's been twisted by the apocalypses because he caused both of them by accident, and now he's a pitiful husk of a youth who's killed and enslaved hundreds while hoarding the entire food and water supply of Japan (because Japan is now the center of the universe thanks to the apocalypses. Apocalypsi? Whatever.) In control of an army, a nuclear arsenal, and hundreds of tanks, jets, and battleships, he challenges you to a duel to the death using the same method he used to defeat all of those foolish to stand in his way. He draws you into his lair to play a game of badminton-gin-rummy of DOOM. And you agree to the duel. You're the hero, after all.

With your ineffectual and grating girlfriend that's unpopular with the fandom, your team of comrades who slipped behind your power level 250 episodes ago and couldn't hope to reach yours after decades of training, and you highly intelligent half-weasel, half-ferret sidekick named Mimi nervously waiting on the sidelines, you charge forth into battle. And get your ass kicked. Your brother is playing with his right-hand man and you were too dumb to make a friend with 1/16th of the skill that you have, after all. But you aren't finished yet, despite the amount of damage that has been done to your clothing! The air around you swirls, and you scream! Shouting empowers the soul! Doing so transforms your sword into a giant racket, and makes your hair even more ridiculous. With your hair now filling the entire battleground, your power is maximum, and you defeat your brother with your signature Quadruple Meld Smash Attack! The stadium in which this all takes place will be vaporized, and you'll take the dessicated husk of your brother to a magic pod that will make him perfectly fine in 2 days. He'll have forgotten the entire thing and everyone will be happy. Except the shippers. They're still pissed you didn't make it with episode 413's poke-girl.
 
Death: The series will make so much money that the creator will be forced to write a continuation. You will spare your next foe the curse of killing a kind and just man who happens to look like a high school freshman. In the end, your own life is the only one you take at 67. You will kill yourself by committing hara-kiri with your badminton racket.
 
Last Words: "My life is one lived without a single regret!'
 
Number: Next to 0. It is the number of things your racket cannot cut.
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!

Color: Red! The color of determination!
 
TEST YOUR MIGHT
CHOOSE YOUR FATE
BRING THE FIGHT
ELSE THERE WONT BE CAKE
1. Mima
2. Lily White
3. Renko Usami
4. Alice Margatroid
5. Maribel Hearn
6. Rumia
7. Tenshi Hinanawi
8. Sariel
9. Raiko Horikawa
10. Rinnosuke Morichika

Future: Aw, man. Your high school prank is going to be so sweet! It's gonna take every last kid in the school to pull it off, and all of your money, and all of everyone else's money, and the cooperation of the school's clubs and the marching band, but you're gonna pull it off! It's gonna be great! You've already got your super cool uncle who works for the town fire department in on the act. You'll need someone to say that this whole thing is "controlled" after all. It's gonna be HUGE! Every light in the city will go dark with all of the electical power you'll need for what you've got in store. Not like it'll matter anyhow, because the shockwave that part of your stunt will produce will cause every light bulb in town to burst simply because of its sheer magnitude. Oh, this is gonna be awe~some~! You've got enough fireworks and confetti and noisemakers and megaphones to cover a city block!  No one else thought of something of this magnitude, not even the infamous Chuckle Brothers from gym class! They're trouble-startin' MACHINES and yet they are mere lieutenants in this massive Roman Legion sized caper you've got planned! We've got the windmill from the miniature golf course, 85 pies, every last pet rat within a 50 kilometer radius, 20 kilograms of superglue, a fog machine, 5 disco balls, and a scrapped jumbo jet. And we're going to use every last one of them! Yes! This is gonna be great. And... What do you mean I graduated 3 years ago?

Death: You borrow the ideas you've accumulated through secondary education, uni, your first job, your career job, retirement community, and nursing home, and you finally pull off quite literally the prank of a lifetime at the age of 83. It takes out half of downtown, reducing it to a wasteland of farm animals, stink bombs, marching band instruments rigged to subwoofers, and a life-sized statue of Reisen Udongein Inaba from a noodle joint overseas.

Last Words: An incomprehensible mix of fart jokes, memes, and bad grammar left rattling in your skull that you picked up when you were 15.

Number: Forever 17.

Color: Pea soup.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on October 29, 2013, 06:31:11 PM
Hat, ring, etc.

1- Byakuren Hijiri
2- Yuyuko Saigyouji
3- Reimu Hakurei
4- Suika Ibuki
5- Kyouko Kasodani
6- Keine Kamishirasawa
7- Fujiwara no Mokou
8- Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
9- Kasen Ibara
10- Suwako Moriya
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: an unmatched sock on October 29, 2013, 10:00:38 PM
Quote
Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland.

Well, if these are true, it will probably be my fault. At least one, anyway. Sorry bout that.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on October 29, 2013, 10:05:44 PM
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!
Worry not, that would have been too hard and too terrible. It is a title that has to be shared.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Monkeypro257 on October 30, 2013, 03:24:21 AM
Favorites usually depends. . .
1.Yuuka
2.Mugetsu
3.Mai
4.Yuki
5.Nitori
6.Shou
7.Flandre
8.Mamizou
9.Cirno . . . .
10.Yumemi
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: MewMewHeart on October 30, 2013, 03:30:23 AM
Ah why the hell not?

1. Reisen Udongein Inaba
2.  Tewi Inaba
3.  Toyosatomimi no Miko
4.  Kaguya Houraisan
5.  Byakuren Hijiri
6.  Eirin Yagokoro
7.  Ichirin Kumoi
8.  Reimu Hakurei 
9.  Koishi Komeiji
10. Sakuya Izayoi
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Giratina93 on October 30, 2013, 03:56:08 AM
 
Future: Who is boss? You is boss. And everyone knows you are boss. Including the guy who you got demoted for bad grammar in that second sentence. You're so boss that you are your boss's boss. Screw central admin. They've got their heads up their asses. You know that. You shoved them up there after they didn't listen to you about the Peasley portfolio. Your top competitor went in and snatched it up after the meeting in Chicago. They went home riding first class in their new private jet eating caviar and drinking the tears of homeless people while you were left sleeping on a park bench with a crying intern while eating ramen out of a cup you found in the trash can! And you walked home. You know why? Because you're the boss. And you love every part of it. Except for Bob. He couldn't send you the meeting minutes from Friday's monthly sales report if you stuffed a transcript up his nose. You know. You did just that. Then he quit and complained about not being able to breathe or brain damage or some shit. But that doesn't matter, because you're the boss. And bosses get to do what they want. Like fire people. People like Mitch from accounting because he retired. After only 30 years with the company? I don't care if you have Parkinson's disease, Mitch. That monthly report is due NOW. Hell, even your pet goldfish and your dog know you are boss. The dog sits and plays dead while providing you with powerpoint presentations covering the improvements in the fetching-to-begging ratio and patterns in the number of times he vomits on the couch per month. The fish keeps a lean poop production schedule and keeps that damn scuba diver in his tank producing bubbles like it was his job. Because it IS. Keep that up and the two of you will be competing for employee of the month, Gadget and Mr. Flippers!
 
Death: HOLY CRAP does retirement suck! Bullying your underlings is "frowned upon" by the brass at those stupid "charities" you offer your services to. It's not even that much fun to make the old ladies who bake cookies at the blood drives to work required overtime. Time to talk in up with the phlebotomists themselves since they seem to be underperforming. What the heck? You're not a donor, but all of them agree that you are all at once, and you're days working over your underlings are done at 70 after a swarm of people with needles decide to draw a dozen pints of blood from you.
 
Last Words: "DAMMIT DEATH! You're not meeting your quota. Do you know how really need help with this?"
 
Number: 1
 
Color: Cyan. That's one of the colors in the printer. Did you swap out the old cartidges for the new one? NO?! Annie, you nitwit, get to it!

This just fits so well... I can see myself going out that way. Nice job.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Nihilanth on October 30, 2013, 06:55:32 AM
oh God, this is full of so much win. I have to agree, this is . . . this is . . . something I would take to heart and definitely see myself in some way . . .  :]


Future: Sometime in the future, the apocalypse will happen. Twice. The earth will be left a wasteland. A hero will rise to face off against pompous villains with no real purpose other than puppy-punting and their massive mobs high school dropouts whose wardrobe looks like Gucci and a used car lot had a crack baby. You will stand 270 cm tall (including your hair. which is blonde, orange, and teal). Your name? Ishikawa Goemon Wingates Leblanc Armstrong-no-Mikoto Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky Rightblade/Lightblade (depending on localization) MMLXIII, and you wield a sword longer than your name despite all the villains having access to military hardware. You would use it to shave, but you don't need to. The apocalypse screwed with your aging process and now you're permanently 14 and you are also the messiah of the new world.

After 5 story arcs involving befriending all of the major villains at the end of them and surviving 120 filler episodes, you're ready to charge straight into battle against your greatest foe - your brother. He's been twisted by the apocalypses because he caused both of them by accident, and now he's a pitiful husk of a youth who's killed and enslaved hundreds while hoarding the entire food and water supply of Japan (because Japan is now the center of the universe thanks to the apocalypses. Apocalypsi? Whatever.) In control of an army, a nuclear arsenal, and hundreds of tanks, jets, and battleships, he challenges you to a duel to the death using the same method he used to defeat all of those foolish to stand in his way. He draws you into his lair to play a game of badminton-gin-rummy of DOOM. And you agree to the duel. You're the hero, after all.

With your ineffectual and grating girlfriend that's unpopular with the fandom, your team of comrades who slipped behind your power level 250 episodes ago and couldn't hope to reach yours after decades of training, and you highly intelligent half-weasel, half-ferret sidekick named Mimi nervously waiting on the sidelines, you charge forth into battle. And get your ass kicked. Your brother is playing with his right-hand man and you were too dumb to make a friend with 1/16th of the skill that you have, after all. But you aren't finished yet, despite the amount of damage that has been done to your clothing! The air around you swirls, and you scream! Shouting empowers the soul! Doing so transforms your sword into a giant racket, and makes your hair even more ridiculous. With your hair now filling the entire battleground, your power is maximum, and you defeat your brother with your signature Quadruple Meld Smash Attack! The stadium in which this all takes place will be vaporized, and you'll take the dessicated husk of your brother to a magic pod that will make him perfectly fine in 2 days. He'll have forgotten the entire thing and everyone will be happy. Except the shippers. They're still pissed you didn't make it with episode 413's poke-girl.
 
Death: The series will make so much money that the creator will be forced to write a continuation. You will spare your next foe the curse of killing a kind and just man who happens to look like a high school freshman. In the end, your own life is the only one you take at 67. You will kill yourself by committing hara-kiri with your badminton racket.
 
Last Words: "My life is one lived without a single regret!'
 
Number: Next to 0. It is the number of things your racket cannot cut.
CRAP! Couldn't hold that one in until I hit Zengar's!

Color: Red! The color of determination!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 30, 2013, 09:53:12 PM
Hard to decide after the first six or so, but let's see...
1) Youmu Konpaku
2) Tokiko*
3) Toyosatomimi no Miko*
4) Fujiwara no Mokou*
5) Byakuren Hijiri*
*actually, these four characters are just about equal to me. However, I can't just list them all as #2
6) Utsuho Reiuji
7) Koishi Komeiji
8) Shou Toramaru
9) Aya Shameimaru
10) Remilia Scarlet
I would fix the 8) thing up there by Shou, but instead I thought it was a funny mistake and it also accurately shous how awesome she is.
Aristotle said "a friend to all is a friend to none."
Yang Wen-li of LoGH fame said "someone who cannot hate something cannot love something, either."
Well, a number of opposites makes mental analysis fun.
 
Future: You have schizophrenia. NO YOU DON'T. SUSAN DOES. But you're not letting it affect your life. YES YOU ARE THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. You wake up in the morning and are greeted at the fridge by a reminder that you scrawled the night before reminding you to pick up a birthday cake that the bakery is holding for you. YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT I DID. After having some delightful pancakes for breakfast WE HAD WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST FUCK PANCAKES WHAT THE SHIT DO THEY KNOW?! you hop into the shower FOR A BATH. After getting out to shave your face LEGS. SUSAN ISN'T LIKE AUNT BUNNY, you slip on you best pants and shirt BLOUSE and out the door DON'T FORGET TO LOCK IT OR SUSAN MIGHT BARGE IN. It's a beautiful day for a walk, and the sun HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES is beaming down on you YOU MEAN SUSAN?! Down the street you go on a pleasant walk WHY CAN'T WE TAKE THE CAR WE ARE TAKING THE CAR NOW to pick up the cake NO YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THAT JOKE PLEASE NO OH THANK YOU GOD. But before that, you go to the store to buy some fruit. Strawberries and oranges would make for great snacks this week. AND NOW AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL APPLE INSTITUTE: FUCK ORANGES. Then it's over to the bakery, which is only 5 buildings MILES down the street. You pick up the cake for your dear friend ME IT MUST BE ME. It's chocolate with extra chocolate frosting NO IT... WAIT YES WE AGREED ON THAT ONE OK NEVERMIND. After dropping the fruit off at home OR MAYBE IN THE ABANDONED HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET, you slip the cake into the backseat of your car HUMVEE and take it to your dear friend's house BY WHICH YOU MEAN YOU WANDERED AROUND THE YARD FOR AN HOUR. Once there, you carry the cake over and knock on your dear friend's doorBELL. The door is slowly opened up to reveal her OUR face. "Happy Birthday, Susan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME WOW CAKE?! NOM NOM NOM."
 
Death: You will fall off cliff to your doom and EAT AN ENTIRE BAG OF FROZEN SHRIMP WE HAVE A SEAFOOD ALLERGY AAAAH. You will perish at the age of 62 26 AAAAH
 
Last Words:  You will scream as you go over the cliff! "AAAAAH!" BUT THE SHRIMP ALLERGY WILL PARALYZE YOU AND YOU WILL SLUMP OVER AND GO "AAAAAH!"
 
Number: 78. THIRTY TWO.
 
Color: Blue. HOT PINK.
 
Mmkay...
1. Marisa
2. Chen
3. Ran
4. Mokou
5. Orin
6. Yukari
7. Momiji
8. Suwako
9. Okuu
10. Tenshi

Future: You are the leader of the Multiple Environment Occupational Warrior squad under Yukarin's command. Fifty elite cats that have completed Delta Force level training, ready and equipped to handle whatever menace the free world may face. That includes your greatest foe yet, the Bringers Of War - Wielders Of Weapons terrorist group. Those dogs know how to start trouble, but you won't allow it. Not on your watch! They tried to be all sneaky at first. They asked for their own bowls. Fine. But then they asked for their own beds. Their own squeaky toys. Their own shows! Dammit, that's scum by any measure. But then they went too far. They'd chain their master to a leash and go out into the world for walkies to show off to other dogs. And you know what else they do? They make poopies on their walk, and their master has to clean it up. How humiliating! How vile! Are you going to take that shit? No! Literally! They should clean up for themselves, the swine! God Save the Queen's Lap! Armed to the teeth they may be, you will fight back with every last ounce of strength you possess. Your team will steal the dogs' spot on Mom's chair. Then you'll outperform them at the dinner table and take the leftover chicken scraps for yourselves. Lastly, fate willing, you will even boop them on the nose should they try to take a spot on the bed. Yeah. They'll rue the day they tried to mess with you. You love the smell of catnip in the morning. Smells like... victory.
 
Death: The catnip addiction will prove to be your downfall. You will retire from the job early in order to cope with it, and will be in and out of rehab for years. It'll still do you in at the age of 52. You'll got out in a hotel room with some "special guests" with so much of the weed in your system that Keith Richards would blush.
 
Last Words: "I only regret that I have but nine lives to give for my country."
 
Number: 31
 
Color: Calico
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Rei Scarlette on October 31, 2013, 04:58:29 AM
Oh god, I laughed so hard. Everyone gave me a funny look and had to wonder if I was alright :V Thankfully I'm not this way, but with a little imagination, I could see myself like that somehow.
...I better start practicing my EXTREME CLIFFDIVING, in preparation for year 62... er, 26? one of them.
Aristotle said "a friend to all is a friend to none."
Yang Wen-li of LoGH fame said "someone who cannot hate something cannot love something, either."
Well, a number of opposites makes mental analysis fun.
 
Future: You have schizophrenia. NO YOU DON'T. SUSAN DOES. But you're not letting it affect your life. YES YOU ARE THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. You wake up in the morning and are greeted at the fridge by a reminder that you scrawled the night before reminding you to pick up a birthday cake that the bakery is holding for you. YOU DIDN'T WRITE IT I DID. After having some delightful pancakes for breakfast WE HAD WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST FUCK PANCAKES WHAT THE SHIT DO THEY KNOW?! you hop into the shower FOR A BATH. After getting out to shave your face LEGS. SUSAN ISN'T LIKE AUNT BUNNY, you slip on you best pants and shirt BLOUSE and out the door DON'T FORGET TO LOCK IT OR SUSAN MIGHT BARGE IN. It's a beautiful day for a walk, and the sun HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES is beaming down on you YOU MEAN SUSAN?! Down the street you go on a pleasant walk WHY CAN'T WE TAKE THE CAR WE ARE TAKING THE CAR NOW to pick up the cake NO YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THAT JOKE PLEASE NO OH THANK YOU GOD. But before that, you go to the store to buy some fruit. Strawberries and oranges would make for great snacks this week. AND NOW AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL APPLE INSTITUTE: FUCK ORANGES. Then it's over to the bakery, which is only 5 buildings MILES down the street. You pick up the cake for your dear friend ME IT MUST BE ME. It's chocolate with extra chocolate frosting NO IT... WAIT YES WE AGREED ON THAT ONE OK NEVERMIND. After dropping the fruit off at home OR MAYBE IN THE ABANDONED HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET, you slip the cake into the backseat of your car HUMVEE and take it to your dear friend's house BY WHICH YOU MEAN YOU WANDERED AROUND THE YARD FOR AN HOUR. Once there, you carry the cake over and knock on your dear friend's doorBELL. The door is slowly opened up to reveal her OUR face. "Happy Birthday, Susan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME WOW CAKE?! NOM NOM NOM."
 
Death: You will fall off cliff to your doom and EAT AN ENTIRE BAG OF FROZEN SHRIMP WE HAVE A SEAFOOD ALLERGY AAAAH. You will perish at the age of 62 26 AAAAH
 
Last Words:  You will scream as you go over the cliff! "AAAAAH!" BUT THE SHRIMP ALLERGY WILL PARALYZE YOU AND YOU WILL SLUMP OVER AND GO "AAAAAH!"
 
Number: 78. THIRTY TWO.
 
Color: Blue. HOT PINK.

You know, even from the very first line, when I read THE SENTENCES LIKE THIS I couldn't help but hear it in Vicky's (http://i.imgur.com/3p1dUMy.png) voice. That's a scary thing to think would be inside my head :ohdear: And I haven't seen that in ages! This whole series of events became about 500% more terrifying.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on October 31, 2013, 06:09:14 PM
I want in! :D
1.Tenshi
2.Hata no Kokoro
3.Remilia
4.Koishi
5.Satori
6.Ellen
7.Kana
8.Kogasa
9.Miko
10.Yumeko

Future: Dusk in the city. One by one, streetlights flicker to life. The streets are still packed with traffic and pedestrians crowd the sidewalks. Yet few dare to traverse the alleys around town. Those that do often run afoul of the worst the city has to offer. Yet again, an unfortunate soul, late to return home, crashes headlong into the local thugs. They close in, crude weapons drawn for intimidation. Within moments, she may be beaten or worse. Suddenly, a glint of light flashes, piercing the dark. In an instant, all the thugs are disarmed, and a figure emerges from the darkest night weilding a sword that catches the ambient light. One of the fools rushes towards the figure, only to have an X-shaped scar sliced into his forehead. He gets the message and the thugs flee the alley. The young woman summons her strength to thank her savior. The light from a streetlight catches his face. Before the young woman can speak, he says "Hey lady. I saved your life. Now give me all your cash!" You flail your sword around in the air and she screeches and flees home, but you don't give chase. Yes, it's tough being the greatest swordman to ever grace the western hemisphere, especially when you're unemployed. You emerge from the alley and the sandwich board you are wearing is illuminated. It reads "WILL SLAY EVIL FOR FOOD". It's quite unfortunate that you practiced your swordsmanship far more than you penmanship. If it looked professionally done, maybe it would've gotten some positive attention. Unfortunately, they make chicken scratches look like John Hancock's signature, and you just look like a nutter with a sword. It doesn't help that you use so much mousse (or what you tell people is mousse) that your hair sticks up in a dorky Yu-Gi-Oh-esque style. Yes, busking and performing on the streets is tough, but so are the times. Work as a chef didn't go so well after you got so knife happy that you cut plates in half. Then there was the time you tried to pass yourself off as a mohel, but that went south as soon as you drew the sword for the act. In the end, you couldn't live without the blade, but there are only so many enemies of righteousness left to thwart. At least cutting old cups of coffee and spent chewing gum gets the crowds going.                 
 
Death: As it turns out, the modern world also has little need for career archrivals. A lady pays a brooding, pretty boy assassin to kill you. You fend off a dozen of his underlings before being overwhelmed and slain by the archrival. You are slain at 34.
 
Last Words: "Thanks for the five bucks, ma'am. You do realize I died for this, right?" Even in death, you're still cocky yet polite.
 
Number: $107.40. That was a great day.
 
Color: Black
 
1. Hong Meiling
2. Marisa
3. Tenshi
4. Youmu
5. Yukari
6. Nue
7. Kanako
8. Shinki
9. Satori
10. Alice

Future: In the future, wars will not be fought with men alone. No. The drive for more powerful, intelligent, and agile weapons will give birth to a new age of war. Mecha piloted by humans roam the battlefield, taking all different shapes and sizes. With an arms race spiraling out of control and the greatest powers of the world endlessly sinking their resources into battle, one must emerge to put a stop to the threat - you. But what grand weapon do you wield? Is it a device of such incredible destructive power that it can lay waste to armies? Do you have the vox populi at your back, clamoring for a rebellion to overthrow the powers that started this struggle? Or simply the truth? Like the truth that dropping a colony on Sydney would probably be a bad day for everyone involved? No. What do you have that can crush armies and put an end to this cycle? Your fists. How will you do it? Simple. One man garners no attention in a world filled with giant robots. After years of wandering about, crushing enemy forces, you come to realize the folly of war, as does Great Leader. A secret plan is hatched for you to escort Great Leader across enemy lines to their presidential palace. With great skill, you punch 80 foot tall robots into scrap. All of this, of course, aided by the fact that robots of that size have an enormous about of weight being placed on their feet and you tend to punch them in the ankle. At last, you successfully escort Great Leader's limo, which is as long as a football field, to your greatest foe's sanctum. After agreeing to share the Skittles produced between both nations and splitting the merchandizing profits they'll make from giant robot toys, the peace deal is signed. You bear the honor of signing it as a witness to the event and... you crush the paper and table beneath it with the strength of your fist. Recogizing your strength, they decide to have you type your name onto the document, but the keyboard shatters. You destroy everything you touch with your hands, so both leaders get sick of trying and call in Barry the janitor to sign for you. Your signature makes it to the treaty and Barry is hanged for his treachery. Good job!
 
Death: A life spent punching giant nuclear-powered robots doesn't serve you well. The radiation gets to you and you contract cancer. However, it takes 27 different kinds to kill you at the age of 74.
 
Last Words: "Look! The east is burning red!"
 
Number: 9 knuckles used in each punch.
 
Color: Mother of pearl. Many bloodthirsty warmongers will meet their end at your hand with a similar phrase on their lips.
 
1.Yuuka
2.Mai
3.Yumemi
4.Cirno
5.Mugetsu
6.Seija
7.Yuki
8.Mamizou
9.Chen
10.Kurumi
If only it was top 20 . . .
If it were, I'd have a lot of difficulty tying 20 characters' personalities and defining traits together in order to form a short story. :getdown:
 
Future: It's winter. The bright, brisk day has finally given way to the cold, frozen night. A light snow begins to drift ever-so-gently to earth, powdering your neighborhood with a sheet of white that gleams in the moonlight. Ready for a weekend filled with snowy fun, you sneak up to bed while decked out in your favorite pair of footy pajamas; the one with cat ears on the hood and a big fluffy tail. You are 34 years old. Snuggly curled up in your bed, sleep claims you, and you drift deep into dreamland. As morning comes, your body awakens to greet the morning, but your mind does not. You sleepwalk out of your room, down the stairs, and even out the front door of your mother's house. Out you go, into an icy new world. You shuffle though the snow in front of your house, not paying any mind to the snow's biting cold because your kitty PJs perfectly insulate you from it. Into the street you go, completely ignorant of the poor road conditions and traffic around you. A Ford F-350 employed by the town to plow the roads catches a glimpse of you in your truly absentminded attempt to cross. Out of alarm, the driver slams on the brakes and attempts to veer out of the way, only to plow into the growing snowbank next to the street. The crash causes an 8 year old to cartwheel across his lawn, carving out an impromptu snow fort. His sister, a toddler, is tossed into the air, cleanly landing neck-deep in their snowman, which needed the head. Your perilous trek continues unabated down the streets of your neighborhood. Eventually, you reach the town pond. The local high school hockey team is lacing up, and you inadvertantly meander directly into one of their pairs of ice skates. You sidle across the ice only to be confused for one of the players. He attempts a high body check and he catches you right above the eye. The blow knocks your footied feet out of the skates, but the blow is so perfect that your body twists perfectly about your center, causing you to pull a 180 around your frontal plane, causing your hands to plant themselves in the skates. The handstand you've managed to pull off sticks, and momentum runs its course as you slowly make your way to the other side of the rink, your feet flailing about in the air the entire way. You collide with the snowbank on the far side, causing you to rotate right side up again, which deposits you back on your feet. Your direction reversed from your bizarre course, you slowly trundle home. With your journey complete, you slowly make your way upstairs and back into bed. You awaken refreshed two hours later with a dream you had about making out with a conveyor belt while locked in a refridgerator fading in the back of your mind, ready to enjoy a day frolicking in the snow.
 
Death: Mom gets sick of putting up with your crap when she's 103. She wishes to enjoy her recent retirement and refuses to feed you anymore, demanding you get a job. It doesn't work out. You perish at 74.
 
Last Words: A flurry of "I WANT POP-TARTS!"
 
Number: -2?C
 
Color: Snow white. A Snow White-themed pair of footie pajamas would be a good idea when you turn 50.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Sakurei on November 01, 2013, 03:57:38 AM
looked for something different, found this. seems silly.

1. Youmu
2. Flandre
3. Alice
4. Reimu
5. Eiki
6. Satori
7. Suwako
8. Chiyuri
9. Koishi
10. Remilia
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Monkeypro257 on November 01, 2013, 07:29:37 AM
Future: It's winter. The bright, brisk day has finally given way to the cold, frozen night. A light snow begins to drift ever-so-gently to earth, powdering your neighborhood with a sheet of white that gleams in the moonlight. Ready for a weekend filled with snowy fun, you sneak up to bed while decked out in your favorite pair of footy pajamas; the one with cat ears on the hood and a big fluffy tail. You are 34 years old. Snuggly curled up in your bed, sleep claims you, and you drift deep into dreamland. As morning comes, your body awakens to greet the morning, but your mind does not. You sleepwalk out of your room, down the stairs, and even out the front door of your mother's house. Out you go, into an icy new world. You shuffle though the snow in front of your house, not paying any mind to the snow's biting cold because your kitty PJs perfectly insulate you from it. Into the street you go, completely ignorant of the poor road conditions and traffic around you. A Ford F-350 employed by the town to plow the roads catches a glimpse of you in your truly absentminded attempt to cross. Out of alarm, the driver slams on the brakes and attempts to veer out of the way, only to plow into the growing snowbank next to the street. The crash causes an 8 year old to cartwheel across his lawn, carving out an impromptu snow fort. His sister, a toddler, is tossed into the air, cleanly landing neck-deep in their snowman, which needed the head. Your perilous trek continues unabated down the streets of your neighborhood. Eventually, you reach the town pond. The local high school hockey team is lacing up, and you inadvertantly meander directly into one of their pairs of ice skates. You sidle across the ice only to be confused for one of the players. He attempts a high body check and he catches you right above the eye. The blow knocks your footied feet out of the skates, but the blow is so perfect that your body twists perfectly about your center, causing you to pull a 180 around your frontal plane, causing your hands to plant themselves in the skates. The handstand you've managed to pull off sticks, and momentum runs its course as you slowly make your way to the other side of the rink, your feet flailing about in the air the entire way. You collide with the snowbank on the far side, causing you to rotate right side up again, which deposits you back on your feet. Your direction reversed from your bizarre course, you slowly trundle home. With your journey complete, you slowly make your way upstairs and back into bed. You awaken refreshed two hours later with a dream you had about making out with a conveyor belt while locked in a refridgerator fading in the back of your mind, ready to enjoy a day frolicking in the snow.
 
Death: Mom gets sick of putting up with your crap when she's 103. She wishes to enjoy her recent retirement and refuses to feed you anymore, demanding you get a job. It doesn't work out. You perish at 74.
 
Last Words: A flurry of "I WANT POP-TARTS!"
 
Number: -2?C
 
Color: Snow white. A Snow White-themed pair of footie pajamas would be a good idea when you turn 50.

That was interesting . . .  :colonveeplusalpha:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 04, 2013, 10:15:53 PM
Pardon the delay for anyone still hanging in here. I just finished monthly reports, have two ongoing mentorships, and a busy life outside of that.
Why not, I guess.
1. Ran Yakumo
2. Momiji Inubashiri
3. Lily White
4. Mystia Lorelei
5. Tokiko
6, Mokou, Fujiwara no
7. Suwako Moriya
8. Iku Nagae
9. Hatate Himekaidou
10. Suika Ibuki

Future: Being transmogrified into a fox due to contrived storytelling purposes wasn't so bad. It was being mistaken for a dog and stuffed into a cage at a pet store that was. You're a unique specimen there and are often trotted out to play with others in the store window. Before long, you've had enough with being the pet store's chew toy. Even the chew toys are treated less like chew toys. It doesn't take long before you strike up conversation with the other poor sods in the store. The dog is serving hard time for biting his master. Two lovebirds have been here for as long as they can remember, and the macaw has been here for an eternity. Many of the others have similar stories, and you all want one common thing - out. Before long, the entire pet store is helping to hatch a plan to escape. At night, you open the door to your cage you tricked the store personnel into thinking was locked. One by one, you release your comrades from their prisons replete with fake wood stumps, hamster wheels, and water dishes. Soon, every last creature is helping another to escape. Except the fish doesn't do jack squat because he's a fish. The locked door and your only ticket to freedom is another matter, however. A frog volunteers to zap it with his tongue. After struggling with the poor bastard's tongue for twenty minutes, you successfully divorce the keys from their sticky prison. The macaw swoops to the door and cracks it open. The former denizens of the pet store escape into the night. Your only regret is that those who locked you up weren't around for a heel-nipping, but that would've made this glorious night impossible.
   
...That wasn't very amusing! Let's keep trying! With you and your friends free, you part ways. Trying to find your way back home, you find a highway and head in its general direction. You attempt to hitchhike but have trouble since you don't have any opposable thumbs. And are a fox. The police take notice, however, and attempt to arrest you for hitchhiking on an interstate highway. After a brief chase worthy of a 20 million hit youtube video, they manage to nab you. Their cuffs are too big for your foxy wrists and fall off, so they cram you into their car for resisting arrest as well. After the most adorable mug shot ever, they throw you in jail. Now you're right back where you started, but with a cage that has 50 times as much space. You are given your phone call, but it's damn hard to punch in numbers on a phone with paws. You inadvertently call an inebriated liquor store owner. "HELLO THIS IS FOX" you say, but the person who answers thinks its a prank call and hangs up. Despondent, you slowly drag yourself back to your cell and one of the police officers on duty takes pity on you. You are adopted and soon brought to your new home. After a week of pure bliss, your new master carts you off to meet a man in a lab coat who puts you under anesthetic. You wake up a few hours later and "WHERE THE FUCK DID MY BITS GO?!"
 
Please adopt and have your pet spayed or neutered!

Death: 12 isn't bad for a fox.
 
Last Words: What sound does a fox make? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE) Your last words were 12 years ago.
 
Number: 800.
 
Color: I would say orange but hell if I know if your brain can even register such colors.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on November 04, 2013, 10:17:57 PM
Last Words: What sound does a fox make? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE)

 :flowerpower:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Dormio Ergo Sum on November 04, 2013, 11:23:36 PM
After a brief chase worthy of a 20 million hit youtube video, they manage to nab you.
I'm (going to be) famous!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 05, 2013, 05:51:57 PM
1. Suika
2. Satori
3. Sanae
4. Keine
5. Mokou
6. Orin
7. Cirno
8. Tewi
9. Yukari
10. Kokoro

Future: After getting fired from your job for photocopying your butt and faxing it to the CEO one too many times, you go down to the local watering hole to drown your sorrows. After about 6 or 7 too many screwdrivers that may or may not have been watered down with turpentine, you make a vain attempt to make for the bathroom before you unlunch yourself. Stumbling into the bathroom, you throw your hand onto a stranger's shoulder to crutch yourself. Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and you witness a child's birth, him aging to the point of middle school where he confesses to his first crush, his graduation from college, his first attempt to skinny-dip into Lake Ontario on a February morning, and his attempt to kiss his wife that wound up with him locking lips with a car battery. This man's face matches the one who's shoulder you grabbed as you somehow managing to make out some very vague details amongst your blurry drunk-o-vision. But the vision doesn't stop there. This man walks out of a bathroom only to be struck by a vehicle. The discovery hits you like a week-long hangover: You possess the power to see into a person's past and future by touching them when extraordinarily inebriated. After ruining the man's footwear with what was left from your Easy-Mac microwaveable macaroni and cheese lunch, you leer at him for a brief period. "Egg salad sandwich!" you exclaim. Disgusted with your actions, he runs out of the bar and into the street where he is struck by a truck carrying chickens, celery, and mayonnaise. The truck then veers into a bakery selling bread and explodes upon collision. The vision became real despite your extraordinarily poor warning.
 
Vowing to try to use your gift to help people, you continue to try again. The ability you possess fills you with an immense amount of curiosity and a desire to change their future. However, because you need more Jack Daniels in your system than, well, Jack Daniels, you really only go about the streets in a perpetually drunken stupor touching complete strangers inappropriately before shouting at them. No one seems to be heeding your warnings, though screaming at a bunch of twentysomethings that they'll all DIIEEE of NATURALL CAUUSSSESS when surrounded by LOOOOVED ONES at a RIPE OLD AAAAAGE really doesn't get you much of anywhere. You do successfully warn an Alaskan resident not to go outside to pee on the coldest day the place has seen in 35 years. You also prevent Annie from hooking up with that asshole Mark. Ultimately, however, your successes never catch up to your failures, and you ultimately retire from the fortune telling schtick. You go to drown your sorrows with enough bottles of beer to make up an extraordinarily annoying song. After praying to the porcelain gods, you wash your face, only to have a vision of yourself getting pelted in the head with a can of pineapples for wearing a Hawaiian shirt in Moscow. You immediately return to active duty.
 
Death: Liver failure at 58. Your liver is almost solely comprised of alcohol at the time of death that it's actually a flammability risk. The lady performing your autopsy notes the alcohol content of your liver. She takes part of it home and puts it to good use by using it to strip the old paint off of her old worn window frames.
 
Last Words: "Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!"
 
Number: 8/10
 
Color: You know that way things look when you close your eyes real tight and rub them for a long time? You wind up with that weird psychedelic pattern and colors, right? That.
 
Now take yer two-bit copy-paste abilities and get outta my office! I'll sue!
 
  • Shinki
  • Sariel
  • Marisa
  • Alice
  • Sakuya
  • Eirin
  • Byakuren
  • Ran
  • Meiling
  • Keine

Future: At last, your copy of Allianceleague of Herodungeonmasters XVIII Ultraspecial Maniacollector's Edition has arrived! After a boatload of min/maxing, you finally create a battlemage with feats, skills, abilities, stats, histories, and talents that provide boosts to exotic weapons, magic, and animal husbandry. You are Iliana fon Angelisti-(fuckin' character limit!), and you begin your quest with the titles Master Magician, Keeper of All Time, Creator of Realms, Saint Beyond the Veil of Existence, Saver of Humens, and Part-Time Ventriloquist. Despite your titles, you are a mere child whose mother wakes you up one morning and sends you to the King of Town. You find that you can only walk directly north, south, east, and west, and must input a special command in order to be able to ascend a frikkin' flight of stairs. You greet the king, who blurts out several paragraphs of exposition about world decay and an evil invasion that got out of hand DECADES ago without him raising so much as an infantryman against it. Or any other king for that matter. Anyhow, evil overlords need a whuppin', and the king sends you out to your certain doom to save the world from all evil with only the clothes on your back, a pointed stick, and 10G to your name. He's also too lazy to spare the taxi cab fair to reach the next town. You go out into the world and pass out from the severity of the wounds you acquire from direwolves, slimes, and madponies, only to wake the next morning in an inn, perfectly healed from injuries that should have a 6 month recovery time. But you're still hungry. The one who saved you was a healer who made the magic healing sheets found at every inn the world over. She's also your first party member.

Slowly, you garner your party: A legendary healer, a sealed saint, a loyal retainer, a kung-fu master, and your high school guidance counselor. You travel to many towns with poorly thought out layouts. You visit stores with exorbitantly priced weapons and armor (which are all of a slightly higher quality than the last place you visited) despite being in desperate need to fight the forces of darkness. You frequently steal useless items you find in their dresser drawers that have no business being in there in the first place. Satisfied with your petty theft as recompense for being overcharged at the local stores and throwing yourself into a dozen life-threatening quests for the sake of the locals, you continue on your way until you are ready for the final confrontation with evil.

Despite the small fortune the Ultimate Evil must pay in property taxes each year, he's got a huge place. After spending more than 2 hours wandering about the place and solving 3 puzzles that help access the Ultimate Evil's throne room, treasure room, and kitchenette, you reach the roof where he just happens to be hiding out. He lectures you and your friends for a full 10 minutes. Once finished, all of your friends have a hopeful and uplifting counterpoint to make. Your own involves you nodding and gesturing a lot, but you don't actually speak. Everyone seems to know what the hell you're 'talking' about anyway. After that's finished, you start to fight on the roof of the grand palace. He's formidable, but not nearly as formidable as he would be if he didn't leave his friends to guard isolated corners of his palace, granting you the opportunity to fight them one-by-one instead of all at the same time. After a minor amount of difficulty, he lets out a cry. He then grows an angel wing, some tentacles, a giant sword 3 times the size of him, some horns, an eclectic selection of mythological beasts, and the entire London Philharmonic Choir, which is a good thing because the orchestra showed up as well and decided to practice while you all were going to decide the fate of the universe. After destroying the mythical beasts, you come face to faces with the true form of the Ultimate Evil. Desperate, he unleashes his ultimte attack. You pause during the 3 minute and 37 second attack animation to check a walkthrough online only to find out that it only damages you for a certain percentage of your current HP and inflicts status effects that you've long since gained immunity to. You soon steamroll the Ultimate Evil's stupid face.

You return home, lauded as heroes. The King of Town gives you his thanks and nothing else despite how many times you dragged yourself back to town with lacerations, blunt force trauma, and pancreatic cancer. In the end, you save a total of 204 NPCs from destruction. The party splits up and everyone says they'll keep in touch somehow but you're not really interested in your boring old guidance counselor anyhow, especially since she was only in your party during required story segments. You then get a brief cutscene with the person you spent romancing through 8 hours worth of sidequests. They walk over to you and peck you on the cheek. THE END.

Death: 90 hours of gameplay. Thank goodness you milked those sidequests for all they were worth.
 
Last Words: You're a silent protagonist! You don't need words to make friends or even save kingdoms!
 
Numbers: 1, 2, and 3, by which I mean 1, 4, and 6.
 
Color: Whether hero or heroine, the leader of the team always wears red.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on November 05, 2013, 06:41:58 PM
and the entire London Philharmonic Choir, which is a good thing because the orchestra showed up as well

Sephilharmonic Orchestroth
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on November 05, 2013, 09:01:52 PM
outdone yourself you have. Amazing.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: trancehime on November 06, 2013, 01:55:36 AM
Color: Whether hero or heroine, the leader of the team always wears red.

Where I come from, red is a lucky color :moogy:

Also, King of Town is stingy  :(

outdone yourself you have. Amazing.

man. reddyne has been on a roll for the past readings!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Aba Matindesu! on November 06, 2013, 03:08:18 AM
Please tell me this thread is going in Daiyousei's right after. :derp:
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on November 06, 2013, 03:09:23 AM
Please tell me this thread is going in Daiyousei's right after. :derp:

Off course.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Raekuul on November 06, 2013, 03:36:33 AM
1. Yuuka
2. Chen
3. Youmu
4. Patchouli
5. Marisa
6. Yuyuko
7. Seija
8. Seiga
9. Cirno
10. Merlin P.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Algo on November 06, 2013, 05:04:43 AM
Now take yer two-bit copy-paste abilities and get outta my office! I'll sue!
My... my. Thank you for tohouroscope, the wise one :3 ^___^
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Mk_Ultimos47 on November 06, 2013, 06:51:15 AM
Future: Oh, you mischievous scamp, you! Late one Halloween night, you sneak a fake head into the driver's seat of your neighbor's craptacular seafoam green 1994 Ford Taurus. Unfortunately, he's got a lit cigar in his craw and the shock causes him to drop it in his yard. It's fall, and the leaves in his yard soon catch fire . . . The ibis flies away from the poor cat, landing in what it thought was a safe stream at the other end of town. Hungry from its exhaustion, the ibis goes in search of a big catch in the local waters, only to find out that the stream leads to the town dam . . . WATCH ME EXPLOOOOOOODE indeed.
 
Death:  Aware of the results of the first half of your mischief, you will try to hide in plain sight at the concert. When the police at the concert start getting a bit chatty on their walkie-talkies, you will try to hide behind one of the speakers when the spike hits. Strangely enough, the shockwave is enough to hurtle you through the air, landing you at the foot of the now hearing-impaired police. The blow does you in at the age of 14.
 
Last Words: Enough curse words that your mother would kill you simply because you would choke on the number of bars of soap needed to clean your potty mouth, mister!
 
Number: Pi. After all, what goes around comes around.
 
Color: Turquoise

What in the world happened to my life?! . . . and what was I thinking of? Hiding behind a concert boombox, never a good idea.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 06, 2013, 04:23:31 PM
I struggle on some of these, but others line up so well for a theme that to think of anything else would be ridiculous.
  • Nazrin
  • Satori
  • Yukari
  • Patchouli
  • Mamizou
  • Suwako
  • Kanako
  • Yuuka
  • Miko
  • Reimu

Future: "Bonsoir, Monsieur! We meet on ze battlefield again" you sneer, gazing at your enemy's troops as they gather on the open ground. You are the grand commander of an empire. You are a peerless strategist, a flawless leader, and a vertically challenged shorty-short shortpants tiny noheight Middle-Earth's-tallest-dwarf picked-last-for-basketball individual of diminuitive stature. You aren't sore about it, especially because it took 19 seperate diseases and a terrible Yahtzee incident to reduce you to it. You sit atop your highchair balanced precariously upon the tallest horse in the entire nation. Satisfied with your observations and prepared to meet your enemy in the field of battle, you turn your horse back to your quarters. "Now get me a baguette crustier zan me and coffee so strong it makes the sugar cream itself!" One of your aides scampers off, returning 7 seconds too late with a bread-shaped slab of granite and coffee that could eat through a tank. "You eencompetent swine!" you bellow. "Off wiz 'eez 'ead!" The boy is guillotined in front of a squadron of other aides and his parents for intimidation.
 
In your tent, you sit upon a regal chair (and the three unabridged dictionaries on top of it) behind a grand table covered in maps, messages, and miniature sculptures depicting the locations and formations of both armies. Something bothers you as you gaze at the immense number of tactical information in front of you. "Mah bootz aire dirty! Zee one who keeses zee faztest will not go unrewairded!" One happy servant and two decapitated ones later, you are satisfied with your battle plan which boils down to you not getting your pimpin' boots smudged again. You storm out of the tent, clamber up the highchair placed upon your horse, and order your men into place. The armies on both sides slowly lurch to life and the battle begins. Driven by a hunger for success as much as a fear of failure, they command well. While your opponent is formidable, your army's maneuverability catches the enemy off guard, and before long, you order your troops to strike the winning blow.

"CANNONEERZ! PREPARE ZEE GRAPESHOT! EENFANTRY! FEEX BAYONETZ AND 'AVE ZE CAVARLY READY FOR ZE CHAIRGE! ZIS DAY WILL BE OURS!" The cannons belch fire and death rains upon your foes. The front line of your infantry fires a final thunderous volley upon the enemy's closely packed lines and charges. The din of their war cry is only equaled by the clamorous galloping hooves of the cavalry's horses as they sweep in to meet the enemy's exposed flank. The beasts crash headlong into the enemy's line. Steel meets bone as the enemy infantry are cut down. Those not slain by the mighty cavalry are run through by the charging wall of bayonets. Widespread panic erupts in your enemy's tightly packed formation and they are unable to counterattack. They begin to break and flee, only to be chased down by your persistent cavalry. Just as victory is at hand, the enemy's commander - the duke himself - roars a mighty shout of defiance: "You can't go five times in one turn! Fuck you, Uncle Joey! I don't want to play Stratego with you anymore!" Your nine year old nephew flips over the entire table and the board and pieces go flying. It spooks your horse and he bucks so hard that you topple off your highchair. Your nephew then jams a lieutenant piece up your nose and storms out of the room, leaving you with half the student body (a few of whom are now literal student bodies) from a local high school you paid to have as extras. A heavy silence hangs over the room as the disgruntled students slowly turn to you. Minutes later, they disperse, leaving you in a position and situation that the local police would later describe as "more than awkward."
 
Death: 52 of stomach cancer.
 
Last Words: "Arthur, you Irish blaireau! Can't we hug this out instead?"
 
Number: 1799
 
Color: Blue, white and red in vertical strips. If it's white, blue, and red in horizontal stripes, do y'self a favor and get some hot cocoa.
 
Go for the eyes, Boo!

Let's give it a try...
1- Yuuka
2- Ran
3- Shinki tied with Mima
4- Yuugi tied with Gengetu
5- Rika
6- Elly tied with Mugetu
7- Yumemi
8- Yumeko
9- Kotohime
10- Meira!
The ones tied, pick you one of them...what's important is that 1st position is the almighty Yuuka-without-skirt from pc-98, when she was still 99% evil, arrogant and interesting and only 1% girly and boring.
What there will be in my future? Will i follow Yuuka's voice and destroy the world in the name of the Genmukan?

Future: ARE YOU READY BROTHER?! YEAH! YOU own da BIGGEST FRIGGIN' GYM is dis town. It's BIFF'S BIG FRIGGIN' GYM FOR BIG FRIGGIN' DOODS, man. YEAH! An' you built dis place 'cuz you were SICK and TIRED of bein' pushed around by dose WIMPS at da OFFICE. An' EVERY DAY you been pumpin' up so you could HANDLE dem CHUMPS. YEAH! An' NOW you ain't da wimp you was. HELL NO. You been PUMPIN' IRON an' EATIN' MEAT and sometimes EATIN' IRON since da day you got SWIRLIED in da WEST WING BAFROOM at WORK because you was WEAK. Dat's not da case no more! YEAH! Now you can BENCH PRESS a small CAR because you LIVE at da GYM. Your call you PECS Bedlam because they're INSAAAAANE! An' call Dr. Smith an' Dr. Wesson 'cuz you got the SICKEST GUNS in TOWN! Uh... Dat analogy sorta worked! YEAH! And your NECK is thicker than your thick HEAD. An' brother, your HEAD is REAL THICK because you've been taking some SERIOUS PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS! YEAH! Dey ain't steroids if you call dem PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS first! YEAH! WHAT'S DAT? Da supervisor at yer former workplace wants ta issue a RESTRAINING ORDER against you 'cuz you beat up his car with yer FISTS and threatened ta beat up his KIDS because dey looked at you funny? Well, beat HIM. HE shoulda known not ta MESS wid da BEST. YEAH! Da COPS stop by for QUESTIONS regarding the PERFECTLY LEGAL SALE of NOT TAINTED PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS you've been dealing to earn a little extra cash? BEAT DEM UP! A SWAT team SURROUNDS da gym and demands you come out PEACEFULLY? All you need to do is FLEX in order to deflect their SUBMACHINE GUN FIRE! YEAH! Even if you SURRENDER, it don't MATTER 'cuz you'll just PUMP da IRON bars right off da friggin' WALL. YEAH!

Death: YOU beat up DEATH da first time you meet dat CHUMP 'cuz you ain't gonna take no CRAP from HIM. He has a bad hip? Well YOU gonna make it WORSE. YEAH!

Last Words: "And NOW I'm gonna BENCH PRESS this STEAM ROLLER like it was YOUR MOM after a DATE WITH ME. YEAH!"

Number: 350 pounds of muscle. YEAH!

Color: PURPLE like the color of your FACE after PUMPING IRON for so long. YEAH!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 07, 2013, 10:57:37 PM
Unfortunately, NekoNekoRex is going to have to wait. I'd like to do something different again that would require using my home computer. Life outside of work has been so busy and I'm putting so much effort into physical therapy that I haven't been able to string together an hour of clear thought and free time to myself all week.
1. Flandre Scarlet
2. Remilia Scarlet
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Aya Shameimaru
5. Alice Margatroid
6. Youmu Konpaku
7. Hong Meiling
8. Yukari Yakumo
9. Reisen Udongein Inaba
10. Satori Komeiji
Wisdom please.

Future: Life as Bela Lugosi's great-granddaughter kinda sucks (huhuhuh), especially considering that you're also the great-granddaughter of Lon Chaney. You've got a lot to live up to as an actress, but just trying to find yourself in the biz is a bit rough. Instead of going right to the big leagues, you must claw your way up the ladder. Hence, you dip into the darkest, dingiest corner of the film industry. A wasteland where plotless scenarios are played out by nearly talentless 'actors' and 'actresses' with one redeeming, er, 'feature' in a vat of disgusting filth that you have to sell your body to get through. That's right, you get your start in B movies.
 
You arrive at your first shoot to find that the set is actually inside someone's house. You enter, only to find an arrow crudely drawn in black magic marker on posterboard pointing down the stairs to the basement. Hesitant, you slowly slink down the stairs, only to be greeted by an overweight and pimple-covered 15 year old boy. "It'sh a pleashure to meechu, Mish Shcarlet" he croaks. He extends a pasty hand clutching a thick stack of sheets stapled together. The working title "The Aristocrats" has been crossed out, leaving what will now the permanent title of your first feature film. "Fanfiction.net: A Crossover Love Story" now adorns the top of the script in a rainbow-colored Comic Sans font. The weight of the script could kill a horse. Before you have the chance, the boy opens his mouth filled with braces to speak again:  "You'll be playing Ishabella from Twilight after Edward bitesh her when shhe triesh to leave him. Here'sh the resht of the casht." A bunch of neighborhood kids in Halloween costumes are herded out into a clear corner of the basement between the pantry and the washer and dryer. They are introduced as Eren from Shingeki no Kyojin, Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series, Iron Man, a half-human and half-pony hybrid original character, and an unrecognizable grey-painted troll holding a bucket. The shoot takes up the whole day, and as desperately as you need the paycheck, you run screaming from the set while trying to perform a scene in which involved Iron Man is marrying you to the half-pony. You're gone, and Eren doesn't have the time to interrupt the wedding, let alone catch up to you in his maneuver gear made of styrofoam.
 
Despite fleeing into the night, you receive a paycheck from the boy in the form of a regular hand-written check from his and his mother's joint account. You also receive an invite to the premier in Utah. Against all common sense, you are compelled to witness how terrible the film is. You catch a bus to the premier and don an outfit and hairstyle to disguise yourself before heading to the show. Sure enough, the show proves to be an excellent laxative, and 15 minutes after the movie has started, the bathrooms are full. Your parts are luckily minimal and no one in the audience seems to recognize you in the dark. During the wedding scene, the characters freeze in place on the screen, your mouth conveniently open at that instant. Suddenly, a familiar voice is choked out over the deafening silence: "I have to go now. My planet needsh me." Your image is slowly moved offscreen and the background seems to be drawn in as you and you alone seem to be panned out of the still frame. The audience reaction ranges from gut-bursting laughter to epileptic seizures. You stumble out of the theater in a haze, attempting not to retch. By a miracle, you make your way back ot your hotel room and pass out.
 
Late the next morning, you groggily open your hotel room door, only to find that the morning paper awaiting you on the hallway floor. "FANFICTION.NET: A CROSSOVER LOVE STORY WINS SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL AWARD" reads the headline.
 
Death: In an ironic twist, your penchant for steak gives you a heart condition which proves to be your undoing at the age of 81.
 
Last Words: "Vone! Two! Th'ree! Four! I've had four coronary artery bypass surgeries! Ah-ah-ah-ah!" The lightning bolt that accompanies your laughter each time you do this shorts out the medical equipment in the OR, shutting off the important medical equipment that would be used during the surgery.
 
Number: 1477, which is the year Vlad Tepes III perished. Remilia's just bluffing anyway, but Vlad the Impaler really was around a bit before the time Remilia was. The more you know.
 
Color: Darkest night.
 
Let us go, son of man.
1. Gengetsu
2. Yumemi Okazaki
3. Byakuren Hijiri
4. Shinki
5. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
6. Utsuho Reiuji
7. Rumia
8. Kana Anaberal
9. Yumeko
10. Yuuka Kazami

Future: The planet is dying. War, plague, pollution, and the science of destruction have left it a husk on the verge of total destruction. The last great minds of humanity have united as one to save Mother Earth, but they knew before they began that it was too late. Yet hope still remains. Why? They have constructed a device that will allow one person to pass through time and reality back to the moments that would set off this infinite chain of self-destruction. Who is this savior? The scientists have little time to decide, as the planet's crust begins to break and the seas turn to molten rock. In a panic, they throw open the portal to a better world - a world of the past. You, the janitor, then bumble into it while mopping the floor. The portal closes, leaving the scientists to stare as their one and only chance to save Earth is flushed down the toilet. The toilet you used to scrub. You are flung into the past to save humanity from self-destruction. You have $10.67 in your jumpsuit pocket, a mop filled with coffee stains, and you haven't showered in a week. GOOD LUCK!
 
You wander about the world of the past, enjoying its splendor in comparison to the ruins of the new world. Yet duty calls, and you... sorta answer...-ish? You become a staple at high profile events. Namely, you throw yourself in front limousines the world over, hoping that you are stopping a world leader from being assassinated by a sniper. You are caught on the Pope's toilet checking it for bombs before mass. You even hop on a shuttle to the International Space Station to ensure it won't be used as a weapons satellite. Yet you have no idea what you are doing. Left clueless about how to save the world, you wander from place to place doing the unthinkable in a vain attempt to stop any of this madness from happening, but in the end you're pretty certain that you're much closer to causing it.
 
Despondent, you resign the world to its fate. You take a job at a cutting-edge weapons facility since the tech reminds you of your last job, though you're still just mopping floors. After a few months on the job, you are working the graveyard shift cleaning up the remnants of the employee Christmas party. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of an important-looking man in a business suit followed closely by an attendant. Out of courtesy, you call out to them. "Oh, be careful of the... party remnants." "Puke. Gotcha." the man says dismissively. "Did you say 'nuke Russia,' sir?" his attendant inquires. The man sighs as he gracefully walks on a spot on the floor that you had hit with the mops not moments earlier. It was covered in, uh, "slime" let's call it. "No, you incompetent flab biscuit!" the important-looking man snaps. You realize that the man would've slipped on the narf you had cleaned up and wouldn't have had the chance to correct his underling if you hadn't shlopped it up moments earlier. You also realize that the man is the President of the United States of America and he was here to close the weapons facility down if the visit went well.
 
Suddenly, you feel as if reality itself is being torn to pieces. It is. Sucked through a rift similar to the one you entered to get to the past, you tumble through time and an infinite number of realities only to do a face plant on the platform of the teleporter you originally fell into. "Welcome back, hero! We are the scientists that sent you to the past in an alternate timeline. We have been monitoring your efforts after creating devices to witness the past. We have seen your deeds and discovered that you mopping up the Finance manager's sick has prevented the destruction of Earth!" Applause erupts from the crowd of scientists and the world is informed of your actions. For all time, you are celebrated as the slayer of the vomit that would destroy the world. Statues of you that reach the heavens are erected in every city and town across the globe. You are given infinite wealth for your greatest of great deeds and live out the rest of your life in pure bliss. All hail Zengar Zombolt, slayer of the vomit upon the linoleum floor!
 
Death: After living on life support for 50 years, you request to be put to rest at 152 after you get sick of watching reruns of 90's gardening shows. Religions around you and your mop still form afterwards.
 
Last Words: "I am Zengar Zombolt, the mop that wipes up the upchucked cake and cheap IPA of evil!"
 
Number:
 
Color: Ham. Nothing else makes sense considering you announce your presence by shouting.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Chocola on November 07, 2013, 11:42:56 PM
Here is my list...of dooooom!

1.) Cirno
2.) Remilia Scarlet
3.) Flandre Scarlet
4.) Reimu
5.) Patchouli
6.) Alice
7.) Sakuya
8.) Marisa
9.)  Reisen
10.) Wakasagihime
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Blue on November 08, 2013, 06:25:23 AM
Here goes...
1. Raiko
2. Mokou
3. Murasa
4. Patchouli
5. Nue
6. Lyrica
7. Suwako
8. Nitori
9. Youmu
10. Yuuka
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: SIRookie on November 08, 2013, 12:54:31 PM
1. Yasaka Kanako
2. Fujiwara no Mokou
3. Kazami Yuuka
4. Kurodani Yamame
5. Shameimaru Aya
6. Hong Meiling
7. Mizuhashi Parsee
8. Shiki Eiki
9. Aki Minoriko
10. Nagae Iku

Into the abyss
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on November 08, 2013, 05:20:16 PM
Bahahaha. Really amazing :D
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Shadoweh on November 08, 2013, 06:22:17 PM
1. Alice Margatroid
1. Yuuka Kazami
1. Yuuka (PC-98)
4. Koishi Komeiji
5. Patchouli Knowledge
5. Sakuya Izayoi
5. Satori Komeiji
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
8. Yukari Yakumo
10. Byakuren Hijiri

(ALL HAIL THE PAJAMAS) I haven't done this for awhile. Seiga only made 12, I am sad. :<
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Mesarthim on November 09, 2013, 03:32:53 AM
I'm curious to see where this goes...

1. Ran Yakumo
2. Hata no Kokoro
3. Rin Kaenbyou
4. Suika Ibuki
5. Star Sapphire
6. Reisen
7.  Cirno
8. Youmu
9. Nazrin
10.  Chen
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Drake on November 09, 2013, 03:58:47 AM
Amazing punchline. I'm fukken crazy.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Third Eye Lem on November 11, 2013, 05:00:29 AM
Got room for one more?

1- Yuyuko
2- Satori
3- Yukari
4- Byakuren
5- Reisen
6- Marisa
7- Reimu
8- Sanae
9- Cirno (yes I know someone did this before, shut up)
10 - Nitori
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 12, 2013, 01:56:31 AM
1. Kaguya
2. Eirin
3. Keine
4. Byakuren
5. Benben
6. Reimu
7. Reisen
8. Kokoro
9. Sekibanki
10. Wriggle

I'm so not ready for this but bring it.

Future: You are merrily walking along and enjoying a sandwich when you stumble into a ditch containing a portal to the past. Unfortunately, time travel teleportation isn't necessarily as nice and clean as it is in some works of fiction, and you emerge from the warp with a bald spot and HALF YOUR SANDWICH GONE. You are also 400 feet in the air and won't be wanting the sandwich soon anyhow. In the middle of the night, you hurtle towards the ground screaming at the top of your lungs as the moonlight highlights your descent. Luckily, a deciduous tree is beneath you and you slip through dozens of branches that break your fall. The giant mound of mammoth poo at the base of the tree also helps. Your screaming draws the attention of the locals in your new time period. A band of homo erecti trundle over to where you emerge from the mound of dung. In their primitive grunts, they dub you the god of the moon and worship you.
 
Though communication is troublesome at best, you realize your unique opportunity pursue any and all efforts to educate these primitive humans. You attempt to teach them about what the future holds in regards to science, medicine, and art, though they only seem to care about eating berries. After a long struggle, they start to pick up what you attempt to show them. As you show them how to bandage a wound, they attempt to choke themselves with the bandages. As you attempt to show them theater, they attempt to hit their heads with rocks to produce the desired percussion. As you demonstrate how to light brush to create fire, they light themselves on fire. Eventually, they pick up a number of skills that they never would have managed otherwise. You tearfully regret that a third wave ska band just isn't possible considering that brass won't be invented for quite some time. This does have the upside of not having to teach them from blowing raspberries into the wrong end of the trombones and drinking from the spit valves.
 
While the adults benefit greatly from what you teach them, the kids seem to get the short end of the stick. Despite your efforts, the generation of homo erectus you teach all these skills to is spiteful of the next generation. They are sweepingly regarded as lazy, unmotivated, and entitled jerks despite plenty evidence to the opposite and it simply boils down to the ignorance of the older generation. Before long, the next generation has fewer employment and education opportunities, so nearly all of the stuff you taught them goes to waste. At least you tried and in the end it was someone else's fault.
 
Death: You are technically -478,979 years old at death.
 
Last Words: "Ugh ah ee ooh ooh dah." You were trying to communicate with a second makeshift tribe of homo erectus. You were attempting to provide food as a peace offering. They interpreted it as "I find your backs to be severely lacking in hair and your dung-flinging skills are subpar."
 
Number: 6
 
Color: Dye will not be invented for millenia. Hope you enjoy green and brown!
 
1. Koishi Komeiji
2. Nitori Kawashiro
3. Suwako Moriya
4. Nazrin
5. Yuuka Kazami
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Toyosatomimi no Miko
8. Fujiwara no Mokou
9. Suika Ibuki
10. Shinmyoumaru Sukuna
Let's see what the future will bring.

Future: You're the invisible man. *DUN*  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKdxd718WXg) A freak lab accident has rendered you completely transparent. Not a soul alive can see you. Though you are initially taken aback by the experience, you clearly see the advantage and make use of your new abilities. You start out by stealing cookies and giving people atomic wedgies simply in order to watch them blame the only other person around. This gets a bit interesting when they pay a visit to Gran in the nursing home. You can even moon people without repercussions. The initial success you experience wind up further encouraging you to steal everything that isn't nailed down and prank everyone in town until things almost reach a point of municipal civil war. Yet in the end, everything is just a little unfulfilling.
 
Over time, you grow tired of being invisible. It's kinda tough being someone with no presence whatsoever and who is so easy to ignore. Soon, you realize just how lonely you've become, and you rush to find ways to let others know that you're there. First, you try playing music, but this makes conversation difficult and you occasionally offend tall individuals when you walk by with your favorite tune playing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnhK6sd8wEw). Next, you try painting yourself each day only to find that you are allergic to it, especially in and around your eyes. Lastly, you go a week without bathing and roll around in whatever roadkill you can find, only to discover that being a walking source of stench that could knock a buzzard off a poopmobile from 100 paces seems to make everyone else disappear. Finally, you are ready to give up, and after spending a full year invisible and several months trying to make yourself visible again, you make a final concession: "Well, it looks like I'll have to start wearing clothes again just to be seen." You are quickly arrested and charged for several hundred accounts of indecent exposure.
 
Death: Things go pretty well from then on out. However, you need to go for brain surgery when you're 77 which proves to be a bit too difficult for the surgeon. Probably because you're INVISIBLE.
 
Last Words: "FLASH! AHHH~AHHHHHH!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfmrHTdXgK4) Announcing your nakedity to an elderly woman whose house you've been creeping around is not a good idea when she's armed. She plugs you in the head with her late husband's shotgun.
 
Number: 13
 
Color: The same color as the emperor's new clothes.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 12, 2013, 07:16:02 PM
And my Touhousorter results arrrrrrre...
1- Nue Houjuu
2- Koishi Komeiji
3- Byakuren Hijiri
4- Kogasa Tatara
5- Hata no Kokoro
6- Seija Kijin
7- Kasen Ibaraki
8- Kana Anaberal
9- Shinki
10- Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
Yup. ^^;

Future: Ah, summertime. A time of year when when people get away from all their troubles by vacationing at the beach. You take your fiancee to the lovely coastal town of Innsmouth, Massachusetts. Though the town smells a bit fishy and the innkeeper at the Gilman House is a bit on the inhospitable side, you manage to relax a bit. You and your fiancee head down to the beach for a bit of swimming. Suddenly, Cthulhu himself rises from R'lyeh and storms the coastline! Fishing vessels are tossed aside like toy boats and an army of Deep Ones charges the mainland from the depths of the ocean! People run screaming for safety, but there is none to be found! Buildings are toppled and cars crushed behind the infinite maddening might of Cthulhu and his army of eternal Deep Ones!  Before long, a giant swath of the east coast is wreathed in flames! Cthulhu lets out a piercing cry that shatters the sanity of every poor soul within a hundred miles! Well! That turned out to be quite a tourist trap. You pack up your things from the rubble of the hotel and decide to move on.   
 
Ah, summertime. A time of year when people get away from all their troubles in the lovely countryside. You open the door to your room and settle in at a bed and breakfast in the quaint little town of Dunwich, Massachusetts. Rolling, breezy hills dot the landscape, and you and your fiancee head out for a stroll. Your fiancee accidentally brushes against a 9 foot tall man as you leave the building, leaving a sickly yellow-green ichor across her shoulder. "Ew!" she cries out of genuine and merited disgust. The masquerade undone, the 9 foot tall man lets out a frightening bellow to summon his brother! The Wheately house on the edge of town explodes in a violent rain of splinters and glass! The skies darken, and a maddening voice cackles amongst a gathering tempest! Thunderous footsteps resonate across the entire town as an invisible beast roars through house after house, slaying any seeking what little protection that remains in this madness! Suddenly, the sickeningly pallid and sinister looking Wheately patriarch rises from the ruins! As the massive beast runs rampant through the poor hamlet, none can stop him as he begins to chant the darkest, most vile summoning ritual for Yog-Sothoth! With his infinite might, the earth will be rendered an eternal wasteland! Well! So much for rural hospitality. You pack up your car and head elsewhere.
 
Ah, summertime. A time of year when people like to curl up with a good book in the shade. You return from the Arkham library with your fiancee and a copy of Abdul Alhazred's latest release tucked under your arm. You lay back in a hammock on your porch and crack open the book for a good long read in the summer's gentle heat. Suddenly, you are overcome by a feeling that your entire body and mind are no longer your own! You are sucked through time and space and forced into the body of an alien race! It turns out they've been hijacking human bodies for millenia! They scurry about shouting portents of earth's demise! Their preparations are nearly complete and the knowledge they've assembled will be used for an exodus that will abandon the entire human race to be consumed by a titanic swarm of massive sentient insects! This ancient alien race has condemned humanity to a most grisly fate! Well! That's inconvenient. The alien returns you to your original body, which is behind the wheel of a vehicle that has plowed into a tree.
 
You call up your insurance agency to file a claim that you were possessed by an alien race capable of passing through time and space in order to swap bodies with a host. "InsuraCorp. Industries. My name is Nyarlathotep. Let me tell you how I'm going to direct your everything" the teller answers. You try working through your claim, but you hang up unsatisfied. You need to go on a dream-quest just to get to their offices, which sounds like quite a hassle.             
 
Death: At "you may now kiss the bride," you attempt to give your new wife a sweet kiss, only to discover that she is actually a shoggoth. Shoggoths, being extraordinarily aggressive sentient masses of liquid tissue biomass 15 feet in diameter, aren't exactly into cutesy stuff. Considering that her family is revealed to be Elder Things at the same moment, the wedding doesn't exactly go well after that. You perish at 43.
 
Last Words: Whatever they will be, they will be stated in an exorbitantly long monologue reflecting your lifetime of bizarre experiences using words that will make most thesauruses blush. Also, the words will be spoken with a British accent even if you don't have one.
 
Number: I'm sure the Elder Things could actually say this number, but human tongues cannot, and humanity will never understand its incredible significance.
 
Color: The Colour Out of Space (http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Colour_Out_of_Space)
 
Wow, these are amazing.

1. Suwako Moriya
2. Nazrin
3. Nitori Kawashiro
4. Koishi Komeiji
5. Flandre Scarlet
6. Reimu Hakurei
7. Yumemi Okazaki
8. Cirno
9. Sukuna Shinmyoumaru
10. Satori Komeiji

Future: You travel to Africa to go tubing down part of the Nile river. Unfortunately, you get a child's size inner tube and get your butt stuck in it. However, you're not exactly thrilled to get back to a thankless job that pays under the table in animal crackers, so you decide to wait it out and allow yourself to float along at your leisure. Though you lack foreknowledge about what lies ahead, you can only guess as to how leisurely a trip it will be. Content with being alone, your friends bid you a fond farewell to you once finished with their journey and wish you the best of luck on your own, leaving you in the middle of nowhere with soggy popcorn and some warm Powerades. The popcorn doesn't exactly do the trick for very long and you decide to go fishing. Having exhausted your only source of bait, you wiggle your toes in an attempt to attract hapless fishies for some fresh sushi. While you manage to attract some attention, it happens to be in the form of a crocodile. Your crod rasslin' skills may be a bit rusty, but you wind up with a new croc-themed bathing suit in addition to something to eat on your trip. Relieved at the result of your encounter, you are filled with a renewed self-confidence that you can handle whatever the entire length of the Nile can throw at you. Unfortunately, you screwed up your reservations and are on the Zambezi river. You weren't ready for Victoria Falls, and it proves to be a most interesting experience.
 
Death: You survive the plummet and are still content with your life fused to a piece of inflatable Hello Kitty merchandise. You drift out to the Indian Ocean and remain there for years, catching fish at your leisure. However, decades on the seas take their toll, and you eventually fall ill. You paddle to Madagascar for help only to find they've shut down their only port out of fear that you're carrying a new form of plague. You die at 62.
 
Last Words: "Beats the pants off sitting at a desk for 40 years of work!" Not the best you could do, but true nonetheless.
 
Number: The square root of ham.
 
Color: Gamboge
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Validon98 on November 12, 2013, 07:23:06 PM
I love how I'm just going to be like: "...Well THAT happened. Oh well, let's move on, nothing to see here." I totally would not be running around panicking and flailing. No, not at all. :V
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: draganuv15 on November 12, 2013, 08:35:34 PM
Those bastards wouldn't have known theatre if it had set them on fire.

I'm glad I died so young.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 14, 2013, 05:59:57 PM
I'll get around to NNR's eventually!
1. Marisa Kirisame
2. Reimu Hakurei
3. Youmu Konpaku
4. Yukari Yakumo
5. Remilia Scarlet
6. Cirno
7. Sakuya Izayoi
8. Alice Margatroid
9. Fujiwara no Mokou
10. Byakuren Hijiri
What does the future holds for me?
7 of 8 are playable in IN. Just sayin'.
 
Future: You will become an astronomer working at a number of renowned observatories across the globe using a variety of types of telescopes. This includes the famous Arecibo Observatory radio telescope. Your love for your work shows as you put in long, restless days for the sake of your project. On one such night, you find yourself catching a bit of interference. Junk data? Noise? Necessary maintenance? No. Slowly, things come into focus and catch a faint glimpse of what seems to be a new undocumented meteor. Quickly, you calculate its velocity and trajectory and come to a horrible conclusion: The meteor has a formidable weight of approximately 25,000 metric tons and it's heading right towards the capital, San Juan. Time of impact? Too soon.
 
It's the dead of night. No one in the city hall will pick up their phones to alert the town to evacuate. Hurriedly, you grabs your work scrawled hastily upon a handful of scratch paper and dash for the door. Hopping into your car, you gun the engine. The tires screech, launching the car into the jungle. Dodging what little traffic there is at such an hour, you floor it down the highway, making phone calls the whole way. You finally reach San Juan's mayor and convey to her the gravity of the situation. Demanding your immediate presence, she gives you the address to her home as you barrel into town.
 
She greets you at the door while still in her PJ's and quickly demands an explanation of the situation. You provide all the information you have, laying it out on her hallway floor to get your point across ASAP. She understands, but needs to know how much time the city has left. Curses! Such information is lost in the pile of data! Your eyes dart about all the information you've provided. Finding a familiar scrap of paper, you trace your fingertip across your notes and find what you were looking for. Your calculated time of impact is... NOW! Knowing that your efforts were in vain and that doom will soon come crashing down upon the entire city, you flee. Hoping and praying and cursing you run in a vain attempt to escape the utter destruction that shall be wrought by the meteorite as it befalls the fair city. But you don't escape its wrath. The meteorite, broken down to the size of a dime, crashes into your nether regions at terminal velocity. Seems that you didn't do the math right and forgot that these things break up as they contend with earth's atmosphere.
 
Death: Clearly, you survived the incident, but that sort of luck won't happen all the time. You retire to a quiet rural town so you can stargaze at night. At 71 you notice another speck barreling down to earth. Out come the paper and mechanical pencil and you calculate the mass and trajectory of the object. Remembering your previous experience, you take the amount of mass lost into account this time. Unfortunately, you use it in your calculations twice. What you thought would be a golf ball sized rock turns out to be a comet as large as a station wagon which you wind up catching with your teeth.
 
Last Words: "Math never lies." It doesn't. You simply won't give it the right information.
 
Number: 8,675,309
 
Color: All colors featured in a standard box of 8 crayons.
 
Decided to use Touhou sort (http://tohosort.comoj.com/). 426 battles and all my nope later I got results :V
  • Yumemi Okazaki
  • Marisa Kirisame (PC-98 version to be precise)
  • Toyosatomimi no Miko
  • Kotohime
  • Hina Kagiyama
  • Nue Houjuu
  • Byakuren Hijiri
  • Satori Komeiji
  • Nitori Kawashiro
  • Koishi Komeiji
Wath priz awayt me?

Future: Y'know what's sweet? Life at the top. You know what's sweeter? Life at the top of the scientific world. With a few Ph.D.'s in your capable hands, you plow through the corporate ladder and soon rise to the top of a giant multidisciplined mega-company with a clientele that spans the globe and serves everyone from the smallest of the small to dictators. They rely upon you and your workers to bring them an extensive lineup of the most technologically advanced products the world over. While not without its troubles, your genius brings you success after success with each of your projects. With you at the reigns, things improve quickly. Worker morale shoots through the roof, as does production. Life is grand and things are going well, but life in any position of power does not go without its challenges, and you are caught unprepared for your first major challenge.
 
Audit time comes in out of nowhere in the form of a neatly-dressed stern woman with thin rectangular glasses and her hair in a bun. This stoic and strict woman from the FDA kicks down your doors with 12 worker bees, 25 laptops, 100 clipboards with fresh sheets of paper and enough red pens to grade the the entire collective works of a billion failing engineering students. Demanding entry, you let them in, and they disappear into your huge company's main campus. Out of nowhere, they emerge at the door to your office six weeks later after spending the entire time within your facilities. The stern woman has each of her assistants carry 50 pounds worth of paper covered in ink. Something tells you things weren't to her liking.
 
"During our visit to your facilities, we found 1,283,392 general non-compliances, 51,873 high priority CAPA issues, 782 OSHA compliance failures, 469 violations of human or animal rights, 72 Geneva convention violations and hobo in a bathroom offering to dance the Charleston for money. We would've gone into further depth in your vaccine production facility, but we found our way in barred by a goat who was being used a living coatrack for bras and panties. He was subsisting upon spent beer kegs and a stack of pizza boxes approximately 20 meters high. We tried to interview the director of the facility that you hired to work there, but he had passed out clutching to a bottle of gin. He was covered in chocolate syrup and seemed to have superglued one arm to his desk which was nailed to the ceiling. Our attempts to go elsewhere in your facilities were met with similar result considering that we are still awaiting blood test results to see if we have rabies. Sir, your company is listed as making everything from pharmaceuticals to explosives, yet we only found that your company makes candies in suggestive shapes and cheap beer. What exactly do you do here?" You pull up somebody else's pants (hot pants that say "juicy" on the backside no less) to cover your tra-la-la and slowly shrug to your audience with a guilty half-smile.
 
The rest of your days are spent behind a register at a fast food joint.
 
Death: You are given a massive order from a morbidly obese woman with 13 screaming children and you drown in a milkshake while trying to fulfill it at 60. notalwaysright.com has a field day with the woman's poor reaction to your demise.
 
Last Words: "Lady, you don't want to know what goes... into... the vanilla ones. URK!"
 
Number: 500
 
Color: If you go 1/6th of the speed of light, a red stoplight will look green. The more you know.
 
Fool, I choose my own fate!
...but it wouldn't hurt to check, right?
1. Reimu
2. Renko
3. Kosuzu
4. Kokoro
5. Sakuya
6. Marisa
7. Youmu
8. Akyuu
9. Rinnosuke
10. Raiko

Future: You prefer a quiet life. A very quiet life. The library is working for you. Nice, quiet, and you've got your quiet books that don't make noise unless you drop them. That's fine. But as the years at the library pass, things get noisy. Too noisy. It starts out simple enough. One person comes in, takes a book, asks you in a hushed tone if she can check it out, then leaves. That was bad enough. Soon, a few people arrive, leaf through books, then ask to check them out too! How disturbing! Soon mobs of people arrive to go through your massive collection of books! The nerve! Even parents drag a squadron of screaming little brats along so they can do their homework and get books for their book reports! That does it! That's the last straw! It's time to get QUIET up ins!
 
You wait. Patiently. For the day. To. End. Then, sloooooowly, your frayed nerves fire, allowing you to pry your finger from your desk. You stand up and take a slow, deep breath and get to work. Out come the shovels. Out come the trowels. As do the springs and buckets and towels. Not to mention a few things far more unpleasant than these. You heap your tools in a great pile and smile, fully prepared with what you are about to do. 
 
The next morning, you sit at your desk and wait. And wait. And wait some more. But there are no disturbances to be heard. Slowly, you get up from your seat, carefully avoiding the tripwires, spike pits, and certain tiles on the floor. You peer out the window and witness your handiwork. A net swings from a lamp post with a mother and two whiny kids in it. A street sign points to a fake entrance that sends vehicles rocketing down and off a ramp into a giant pool of tartar sauce. There is no one at the door until you see an old woman step on the pressure plate in front of it and she is launched into the local lake. You slowly creep back to your desk and sit down with your hands folded across your lap. A grin spreads over your face. Yes. Today shall be a quiet day indeed.
 
Death: Was making the alligator pit right below your desk that good of an idea? Really? You've survived all those who would take over your sanctum and live to 88.
 
Last Words: "DO NOT DAMAGE THE BOOKS!"
 
Number: 299.561
 
Color: Dust
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Phoenix_lostarr on November 14, 2013, 06:18:45 PM
1. Yukari
2. Yuyuko
3. Youmu
4. Remilia
5. Flandre
6. Byakuren
7. Toyosatomimi no miko
8. Reimu
9. Marisa
10. Satori

Hit me, assbutt.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Shio Yamote on November 14, 2013, 07:46:16 PM

Future: You will become an astronomer working at a number of renowned observatories across the globe using a variety of types of telescopes. This includes the famous Arecibo Observatory radio telescope. Your love for your work shows as you put in long, restless days for the sake of your project. On one such night, you find yourself catching a bit of interference. Junk data? Noise? Necessary maintenance? No. Slowly, things come into focus and catch a faint glimpse of what seems to be a new undocumented meteor. Quickly, you calculate its velocity and trajectory and come to a horrible conclusion: The meteor has a formidable weight of approximately 25,000 metric tons and it's heading right towards the capital, San Juan. Time of impact? Too soon.
 
It's the dead of night. No one in the city hall will pick up their phones to alert the town to evacuate. Hurriedly, you grabs your work scrawled hastily upon a handful of scratch paper and dash for the door. Hopping into your car, you gun the engine. The tires screech, launching the car into the jungle. Dodging what little traffic there is at such an hour, you floor it down the highway, making phone calls the whole way. You finally reach San Juan's mayor and convey to her the gravity of the situation. Demanding your immediate presence, she gives you the address to her home as you barrel into town.
 
She greets you at the door while still in her PJ's and quickly demands an explanation of the situation. You provide all the information you have, laying it out on her hallway floor to get your point across ASAP. She understands, but needs to know how much time the city has left. Curses! Such information is lost in the pile of data! Your eyes dart about all the information you've provided. Finding a familiar scrap of paper, you trace your fingertip across your notes and find what you were looking for. Your calculated time of impact is... NOW! Knowing that your efforts were in vain and that doom will soon come crashing down upon the entire city, you flee. Hoping and praying and cursing you run in a vain attempt to escape the utter destruction that shall be wrought by the meteorite as it befalls the fair city. But you don't escape its wrath. The meteorite, broken down to the size of a dime, crashes into your nether regions at terminal velocity. Seems that you didn't do the math right and forgot that these things break up as they contend with earth's atmosphere.
 
Death: Clearly, you survived the incident, but that sort of luck won't happen all the time. You retire to a quiet rural town so you can stargaze at night. At 71 you notice another speck barreling down to earth. Out come the paper and mechanical pencil and you calculate the mass and trajectory of the object. Remembering your previous experience, you take the amount of mass lost into account this time. Unfortunately, you use it in your calculations twice. What you thought would be a golf ball sized rock turns out to be a comet as large as a station wagon which you wind up catching with your teeth.
 
Last Words: "Math never lies." It doesn't. You simply won't give it the right information.
 
Number: 8,675,309
 
Color: All colors featured in a standard box of 8 crayons.
Wow you got it right! I always wanted (and I still want) to be an astronomer. I can't even imagine how I would react if I really see a meteor coming to earth. They don't scare me much because it justs crashes and boom everything ends in an instant, but it's still kinda creepy.
7 of 8 are playable in IN. Just sayin'.
Coincidence huh? IN is my favorite Touhou game too.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: KuroArashi100 on November 14, 2013, 07:53:37 PM

Future: You're the invisible man. *DUN*  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKdxd718WXg) A freak lab accident has rendered you completely transparent. Not a soul alive can see you. Though you are initially taken aback by the experience, you clearly see the advantage and make use of your new abilities. You start out by stealing cookies and giving people atomic wedgies simply in order to watch them blame the only other person around. This gets a bit interesting when they pay a visit to Gran in the nursing home. You can even moon people without repercussions. The initial success you experience wind up further encouraging you to steal everything that isn't nailed down and prank everyone in town until things almost reach a point of municipal civil war. Yet in the end, everything is just a little unfulfilling.
 
Over time, you grow tired of being invisible. It's kinda tough being someone with no presence whatsoever and who is so easy to ignore. Soon, you realize just how lonely you've become, and you rush to find ways to let others know that you're there. First, you try playing music, but this makes conversation difficult and you occasionally offend tall individuals when you walk by with your favorite tune playing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnhK6sd8wEw). Next, you try painting yourself each day only to find that you are allergic to it, especially in and around your eyes. Lastly, you go a week without bathing and roll around in whatever roadkill you can find, only to discover that being a walking source of stench that could knock a buzzard off a poopmobile from 100 paces seems to make everyone else disappear. Finally, you are ready to give up, and after spending a full year invisible and several months trying to make yourself visible again, you make a final concession: "Well, it looks like I'll have to start wearing clothes again just to be seen." You are quickly arrested and charged for several hundred accounts of indecent exposure.
 
Death: Things go pretty well from then on out. However, you need to go for brain surgery when you're 77 which proves to be a bit too difficult for the surgeon. Probably because you're INVISIBLE.
 
Last Words: "FLASH! AHHH~AHHHHHH!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfmrHTdXgK4) Announcing your nakedity to an elderly woman whose house you've been creeping around is not a good idea when she's armed. She plugs you in the head with her late husband's shotgun.
 
Number: 13
 
Color: The same color as the emperor's new clothes.

But at least I get the prize for getting the most songs by Queen in one horoscope, right?
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 17, 2013, 09:36:26 PM
1. Chen
2. Suika
4. Kogasa Tatara
5. Rin Kaenbyou (Orin)
6. Marisa Kirisame
7. Ran Yakumo
7. Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
9. Mystia Lorelei
10. Satori Komeji
Buddy, you forgot your number 3, so I'm going to assume that Cirno for convenience purposes.
 
Future:
(http://i.imgur.com/vJqq1LZ.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/YuSUQZe.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/gdMQWey.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/Ie0BfR4.jpg)

Death:
(http://i.imgur.com/oQMGHRk.gif)

(http://i.imgur.com/Ni6WBqT.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/2bf5cKv.jpg)

Last Words:
(http://i.imgur.com/j3mmNPV.jpg)

Number:
(http://i.imgur.com/na8wtfT.jpg)

Color:
(http://i.imgur.com/Ze0OvWm.jpg) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duWTfl4MJ1c)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Suikama on November 17, 2013, 09:42:13 PM
holy shit it just keeps getting better
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Shadoweh on November 18, 2013, 11:37:38 AM
NEKO THE POSTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
GET OUT NOW
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 19, 2013, 01:35:56 PM
Audit time at work. I'll have more time for these as the week progresses. Thanks for your patience.
This looks silly.
1. Youmu
2. Mokou
3. Keine
4. Yamame
5. Akyu
6. Genji
7. Yukari
8. Mystia
9. Iku
10. Sizuha
Honorary mention for Daiyousei.
Based completely on how I find their outfits and personalities (and mostly the former of these two), if I went by gameplay aspects it would've taken too long and some characters would've been an unfair advantage for having simply more material to go with (latter bosses compared to stage one bosses, TD compared to PCB, et cetera).
GHOST MEMBERS focused on FASHION.
 
Future: The world of FASHION is a harsh mistress. Time and again, each and every one of your creations is laughed off the runway. It's certainly tougher than what it ostensibly appeared to be. All throughout college and your many failed attempts at creating a wearable work of art have been flushed down the toilet. Be creative and the people will like it, right? Wrong. Judges are fickle. Style even moreso. Or maybe it's because your creations are an unmitigated disaster that's keeping you from your big break. I mean, the blouse and skirt combo made from downy-soft toilet paper with porcelain clogs should've hit off real big with the bathroom-going crowd. That's everyone, right? Fine. Next was the post-apocalypse-themed outfit which consisted of hubcaps, rusted metal plating, and rebar, but people complained that a 120 lb. set of clothes was too heavy. Conceding that some more conventional stuff might be necessary to get the positive attention you need, you muck around with some dull designs just to get your one big break. Finally, you get an invite to an event in Paris and showcase your magnum opus. It took year just to get enough spider silk to make an outfit and several months to make it, especially considering there were still spiders living in it as your model wore it onto the runway. Careful! They bite!
 
After the fashion show is over, the audience recovers from a collective freak-out and the showroom is covered with a thick layer of Bug Bomb. With your masterpiece considered a flop, you concede defeat. None of your great works have been positively received. However, several members of tonight's audience greet you as you slowly walk out the door for the final time with your head hanging low. They turn out to be part of an underground movement for unorthodox fashions who ask you to join their little club. After all, an independent rising star who's a wild card for the fashion scene would fit right in. They introduce themselves one by one and present their greatest creations: The granola gown goes great with the hungry gal on the go, the solar-powered skirt is great for anyone who needs to charge mobile devices, and the razor wire and taser-based undergarments do particularly well appealing to those worried about self-defense. Satisfied with your new group of friends, you set out to create your most well-received outfit - the mirror dress. It attracts the attention of everyone from those who appreciate the amount of effort and creativity you put into this wearable work of art to narcissistic jerks looking for another chance to take a selfie.
 
Death: You attempt to develop a fashion around bear fur. It doesn't go well.
Your business flops for the final time and you retire poor and disappointed but still live to 79. Things didn't turn out so well for the poor chump who actually went to fetch the bear fur either.

Last Words: "By Prada's beard!"
 
Number: 183
 
Color: Chocolate & vanilla twist
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on November 19, 2013, 08:15:44 PM
NNR's is truly, unquestionably a work of art.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: NekoNekoRex on November 19, 2013, 09:23:41 PM
I don't deserve something so beautiful.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 20, 2013, 04:10:22 PM
1.  Marisa Kirisame
2.  Watatsuki no Yorihime
3.  Yuuka Kazami
4.  Kasen Ibaraki
5.  Yuugi Hoshiguma
6.  Rumia
7.  Sekibanki
8.  Hong Meiling
9.  Seiga Kaku
10.  Tewi Inaba

Future: "Well, Bill, it looks like Phlegeth's got his work cut out for him. His tee shot landed him in some hot water here on the third hole and now he finds himself seven miles from the pin." "That's right Jim. How this ever happened in a professional golf tournament is beyond anyone's wildest dreams. Sure, that recent injury may have tightened the muscles in his arms, but who knew that it would lead to someone who could hit a ball at supersonic speed?" "Bill, it was a once-in-a-lifetime freak accident involving an I beam, a pot of rabbit stew, and a live power line that left him like this, but he seems to have benefitted from it to a certain degree." "Let me tell you, Jim, there are few players in the game today that can drive the ball 300 yards, let alone 300 miles. I'd say that his game would be better for it, but it seems to me there just aren't that many intercontinental par 5's in the game today either." "So true, Bill. So true. Y'know, since the injury, he's the first player in any tournament featured the world over to hit a ball into low earth orbit. Other dubious feats include having Russian missile systems attempt to shoot down the ball which it considered to be an ICBM, and an incident in which the friction of the ball against the air caused a forest fire. He's also the first golfer to consider the Gobi desert a sand trap and the Atlantic ocean a water hazard."
 
"Well, we'll see if his fate has changed today on this lovely Spring day in Florida. He's going for the only club in his bag, which is a driver capable of withstanding several thousand G's of force. He needs it considering the others tend to evaporate before they reach the ball. He also gives his caddie enough time to adjust the helmet on his bomb suit; a courtesy much appreciated since his previous one wound up lodged in a tree 50 yards away and can only eat through a straw now. He takes a few practices swings as the crowd dons their ear protection and padded kevlar. He's got a slight breeze out of the northwest which might prove problematic since the average air time for anything he hits can be several minutes or more. Let's see how he does... OHHHH! So much for that little old lady. That'll teach her to water her begonias on a fine Friday afternoon. Poor girl never saw it coming. I hope she's leaving Phlegeth out of the will for that one." "Ha ha! That's gotta hurt, Bill."
 
Death: You are so poorly received at certain country clubs because of your habit of offing the clientele that they build traps to get rid of you. You perish in a quicksand trap on the 15th hole of Sawgrass when you are 67 years old.
 
Last Words: "Mmmm... Open-faced club sand wedge."
 
Number: 981. It's your handicap. Or the number of people you leave handicapped. It's a bit fuzzy.
 
Color: Bright orange so you can find your ball in the snow aound the arctic circle.
 
Why has it taken this long for me to pop my head in here?
1. Shinki
2. Rumia
3. Yuuka
4. Kogasa
5. Elly
6. Seiga
7. Seija
8. Rika
9. Yukari
10. Remilia

Future: You stumble home late one night while drunk beyond human comprehension. You're not in a much of a position to do anything, but you meander along the streets of New York City in a stupor. You eventually wander to an overpass and your complete lack of pathfinding abilities leads you to walk over the edge. You drop 20 feet and land headfirst on top of a limousine so hard that you crumple the top part of the car. It comes to a screeching halt at the side of the road. You're so dulled by the alcohol that the concussion barely makes you flinch, and you wobbily stand up and have a long, blurry look at the limousine before lurching over to the side of the car. You notice that the side window has shattered from your impact, giving you a full view of a figure slumped over in his seat. As soon as you glimpse at the figure, the surviving passengers exit the vehicle. They are clothed in the finest suits and sport gloves and sunglasses despite it being a warm night. They have also been shaved completely bald.

They quickly march in front of you and stand straight upright, shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the dead passenger. You feel a bit of tension in the air, which is the first form sensation that you have had in your body since you stat down at the bar 7 hours ago. Suddenly, one begins to speak: "Sir," he says in a deep, weathered monotone. "The deceased individual you have seen was a person of extreme importance. Someone who was guarded at all times and whose very existence has remained a secret to the world for ages, but we believe you already know this. To think that someone such as yourself managed to fatally wound such a protected individual speaks volumes of your knowledge of the world as well as your ability and initiative. Clearly the reconnaissance you have gathered on our organization also displays the depth of your connections and their ability. We acknowledge your magnificence by offering you what you've clearly worked so hard to earn. Congratulations. You are the new leader of the Illuminati."

The world is a fun, fun place for the next 15 years.

Death: [REDACTED]
 
Last Words: [REDACTED]
 
Number: Majestic 12
 
Color: Black
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Phlegeth on November 20, 2013, 07:04:56 PM
I made golf fun to watch.  And I lost at the Gobi Desert just being a huge sand trap.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: xJeePx on November 21, 2013, 12:10:58 AM
01. Kotohime
02. Yuyuko
03. Kaguya
04. Meira
05. Youmu
06. Reimu
07. Eirin
08. Yumemi
09. Meiling
10. Komachi
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Raikaria on November 21, 2013, 07:31:47 PM
Future: You stumble home late one night while drunk beyond human comprehension. You're not in a much of a position to do anything, but you meander along the streets of New York City in a stupor. You eventually wander to an overpass and your complete lack of pathfinding abilities leads you to walk over the edge. You drop 20 feet and land headfirst on top of a limousine so hard that you crumple the top part of the car. It comes to a screeching halt at the side of the road. You're so dulled by the alcohol that the concussion barely makes you flinch, and you wobbily stand up and have a long, blurry look at the limousine before lurching over to the side of the car. You notice that the side window has shattered from your impact, giving you a full view of a figure slumped over in his seat. As soon as you glimpse at the figure, the surviving passengers exit the vehicle. They are clothed in the finest suits and sport gloves and sunglasses despite it being a warm night. They have also been shaved completely bald.

They quickly march in front of you and stand straight upright, shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the dead passenger. You feel a bit of tension in the air, which is the first form sensation that you have had in your body since you stat down at the bar 7 hours ago. Suddenly, one begins to speak: "Sir," he says in a deep, weathered monotone. "The deceased individual you have seen was a person of extreme importance. Someone who was guarded at all times and whose very existence has remained a secret to the world for ages, but we believe you already know this. To think that someone such as yourself managed to fatally wound such a protected individual speaks volumes of your knowledge of the world as well as your ability and initiative. Clearly the reconnaissance you have gathered on our organization also displays the depth of your connections and their ability. We acknowledge your magnificence by offering you what you've clearly worked so hard to earn. Congratulations. You are the new leader of the Illuminati."

The world is a fun, fun place for the next 15 years.

Death: [REDACTED]
 
Last Words: [REDACTED]
 
Number: Majestic 12
 
Color: Black

This is gold; silver; and platinum.

I wonder what happened to Majestic 1 though 10.

I can guess what happened to 11.

Now excuse me I'm off to New York to get hammered.  :P

Also cool my Age is the same as Yukari's. After all Yukarin is [REDACTED] years old!

I'll stop now.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 22, 2013, 05:52:31 PM
Majestic 12 is actually a nod to Deus Ex.
Hat, ring, etc.
1- Byakuren Hijiri
2- Yuyuko Saigyouji
3- Reimu Hakurei
4- Suika Ibuki
5- Kyouko Kasodani
6- Keine Kamishirasawa
7- Fujiwara no Mokou
8- Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
9- Kasen Ibara
10- Suwako Moriya

Future: Oh, no! A superstorm has wiped out your entire town! The good news is that it also wiped out your job. You wander about town, thankful that your home is one of the few that was spared amongst a slew of toppled trees, smashed houses, and crushed cars. With work out of the picture, what to do with your time becomes a pretty easy choice - help those who could use a helping hand. Mrs. Danvers has lost her cat? Aw, the poor guy was scared and was hiding under a porch down the street. The Leominsters could use an emergency energy hookup? Why, you're glad to help.

Isn't helping nice? It sure is! But you have a rival. A rival who's tough, stern, by-the-book, and won't lose to you if her life depended on it because the lives of others depend on hers. You first meet eyes as each of you carry a massive box of non-perishables to your neighbors. You want to cover the most ground the fastest, so you take off running. You're running and handing out goods like the motherfuckin' FIST OF THE NORTH STAR! She may have beat you to the end of the street, but it doesn't stop there. Next is the bake sale to raise funds for those hurt in the disaster. You won't lose! You're baking! Your baking WICKED AWESOME red velvet oatmeal butterscotch cookies with French vanilla and fudge swirl frosting like the mothafuckin' FIST AH DAH NOATH STAH! This time, you beat her by raising $1,839,327,298 to her $1,839,326,993. But it's not over! The locals need fresh water and the local water supply has been contaminated due to the devastation. What to do? Why, fill all the pools in town with water and filter them by hand. You're removing impurities! You're removing microscopic granules, lead, and microbes from the water with your BARE HANDS like the motherfuckin' FIST OF DAAA NAHTH STAR DONCHA KNOW?!

It's still not quite enough, though. Many are hurt, more are without shelter, and everyone's without the regular comforts of life. The both of you volunteer to help. "Please save us, sir!" an aid worker shouts. "We're in desperate need to house the homeless and triage the wounded!" DONE! Then a middle-aged man approaches you. "Listen, you gotta help, our entire street is a mess and we could all use new homes." FINISHED! A hipster draws near and says "Hey bro, the fam could really use some places to buy mocchachinos, listen to vinyl records from bands you've never heard of, and buy organic veggies at a locally-grown farmer's market." IRONIC'D! Finally, a dapper gent in a top hat and coat with tails approaches you. "My good man, my mansion could use another several rooms and I would quite like a 5 star hotel and restaurant with a seaside view if you don't mind." 99%'D!

Completely exhausted after 47 straight days of labor, the two of you collapse on each other. You are both brought to a hospital where you compete with one another to see who can make the most ornate origami flower display for recovering victims. The two of you get hitched later I guess.
 
Death: At 110 while attempting to fight off dozens of sharks in the arctic ocean in order to save an entire cruise ship filled with blind, deaf, disabled, and mentally handicapped people with terminal cancer.
 
Last Words: "Yeooouch! Seafood soup is NOT on the menu!" Puns would've followed. Your mind is more than a bit addled by dementia at that point.
 
Number: Meh. I'm not going to go with the obvious one, so let's just use whatever tonight's Powerball numbers are.
 
Color: White
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: an unmatched sock on November 22, 2013, 06:07:20 PM
Why do I feel like all of these disasters are going to be traced back to me at some point because of my apparent future...
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 25, 2013, 06:38:21 PM
Favorites usually depends. . .
1.Yuuka
2.Mugetsu
3.Mai
4.Yuki
5.Nitori
6.Shou
7.Flandre
8.Mamizou
9.Cirno . . . .
10.Yumemi

Future: GODDAMN KIDS! That's what you get for moving in right next to a college campus, alright. RIGHT across the street is a DEN of CONSTANT NOISE that's played at ALL hours of the night. They might be a smart bunch for just being kids, but it's still a frikkin' FRAT HOUSE filled with LOUD ANNOYING BRATS who can't SHUT UP even when it's FOUR IN THE MORNING! You start off PLAYING NICE because things like showing up to their door wielding a CHAIN SAW isn't very SUBTLE and isn't very LEGAL either. So you report their LOUDNESS to the college, hoping the campus police will SHUT them UP. They try, but as soon as they're gone, the STUPID KIDS in their STUPID FRAT HOUSE start partying again as soon as they're gone. The same thing happens with the local police. NEXT you go to CONFRONT them yourself and it goes JUST as POORLY as you would have thought. Your house is EGGED in the wee hours of the morning, and you angrily COUNTER by covering all the doors with duct tape. Soon, it's total war with pranks affecting both sides.
 
Then it comes. Tensions have risen way out of hand and  both of you welcome dusk by raising battle flags over your respective houses. They whip in the wind and the occupants of both massive domiciles stand watching the other. Every last door and window on each house from the basement to the attic is open, armaments at the ready behind them. Suddenly, with tensions boiling over, a lone shot breaks the silence and a rotten tomato is launch from the frat house, unceremoniously striking the side of yours. With the first round fired, your temper boils over and you grin a bloodthirsty grin. You unleash a massive barrage of toilet paper, covering adjacent trees, beat-up used cars, and a poorly maintained pot garden. They counter with a shell containing rubber cement and glitter which dresses your dining room up like a cheap hooker. Not to be outdone, you fire a volley of paint balls, ruining wardrobes from Salvation Army and worn upholstery from the 70's that's never had its beer farts aired out until now.

With odds slowly tipping in your favor, you let loose a massive barrage of M-80's. The fatal blow is struck and the entire structure of the frat house dips on one side. Earth begins to pour in at the base, sending panic throughout the ranks of those still fighting. A klaxon blares, filling the silence as the guns go quiet. The house begins to noticeably sink into the ground as clamoring voices can be heard inside the doomed building. Suddenly, furniture is flung out the windows as the evacuation begins, followed by the frat kids diving for garage sale couches, worn-out futons, and bean bag chairs. The only person who stays behind is the football team's backup quarterback, who is apparently the leader of the bunch. He grabs the flag and defiantly roars "GO GEODUCKS!" referring to the college's mascot. The entire surviving crew of frat boys would be weeping over his demise if they weren't cringing about their oft-bemoaned mascot. The night is quiet for once, and you sleep for 16 hours. You rise at nightfall - still a little sleepy but in otherwise good condition - to find the frat kids still licking their wounds. With their frat house gone, there's no way they'll cause trouble again, so you claim your victory and let them leave in peace. A mockingbird who wakes you up at 5 the next morning isn't so lucky.
 
Death: Retirement's kinda boring and you tinker around a bit with your house. Since it worked so well as a fort and a warship, you attempt to turn it into a rocket as well. You don't know much about rockets and it shows. You are 74.
 
Last Words: Who cares?! You don't die cheering for a giant phallic mollusk and that's just dandy with you.
 
Number: Class of '37.
 
Color: BLACK because it's the SOUND of QUIET!!!
 
Ah why the hell not?
1. Reisen Udongein Inaba
2.  Tewi Inaba
3.  Toyosatomimi no Miko
4.  Kaguya Houraisan
5.  Byakuren Hijiri
6.  Eirin Yagokoro
7.  Ichirin Kumoi
8.  Reimu Hakurei 
9.  Koishi Komeiji
10. Sakuya Izayoi

Future: "Hello, Mr. Fitzgerald, this is MewMew from Luna Pharmaceuticals and I have some important information for you. My understanding is that you have been taking our heart medication for some time now, yes? Well, as it turns out, we didn't fill your last refill order properly and your meds have been swapped with meds for ADHD. On the upside, you'll be able to pay very close attention to your heart attack. Have a nice day." *click*

"Hello, Mrs. Johnson, this is MewMew from Luna Pharmaceuticals. Yes, well, we're calling in regards to your mother's antibiotics. Yes, I understand that it's quite important that your mother receive this medication considering that she's recovering from surgery. Sepsis is quite the concern for recovering patients despite all the efforts surgeons go through to avoid such things. Well, as it turns out, we recently discovered the funniest thing about the antibiotics. It seems they don't buddy up so well with the painkiller meds that she's on and may cause her to have a severe case of restless leg syndrome, which can be quite difficult to deal with when recovering from hip replacement surgery. Well, we could always use repeat customers! Ha ha! Okay, you have a good day now. Buh-bye." *click*
 
"Hello, Senator Franklin, this is MewMew with Luna Pharmaceuticals. How are you today? Good, good. Well, senator, it seems like I have some bad news for you regarding your medication. Yes, I know you want to keep that rash in check, but stick with me here, this could be important. Indeed. I'd be worried too. Well, as it turns out, a team of Harvard-educated doctors are releasing a study that has found that our product actually causes Tourette syndrome as a side effect. Yes, I understand that you have a major speech forthcoming that could have incredibly profound ramifications on the socioeconomic structure of this country. We were just calling to remind you that you signed a waiver since this is a drug that's still in clinical trials and you're on your own. Good luck!" *click*
 
Your boss finds out about your crank calls and you wake up 4 days later in an abandoned warehouse in Sri Lanka with an empty syringe in your rump.
 
Death: Overdose at the age of 39.
 
Last Words: "This one's called the Jimi Hendrix Experience for a reason, dude."
 
Number: 420
 
Color: Trippy hippie.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Cheez8 on November 25, 2013, 09:21:58 PM
...You know, Tohosort really doesn't work very well when your opinion of a character or two changes just a tiny bit halfway through. Lemme tinker with the results for a sec.

1. Satori Komeiji
2. Tenshi Hinanawi
3. Parsee Mizuhashi
4. Kyouko Kasodani
5. Rin Kaenbyou (Orin)
6. Medicine Melancholy
7. Chiyuri Kitashirakawa
8. Mystia Lorelei
9. Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
10. Lyrica Prismriver

Not all of these were that far off in the Tohosort results, but I ended up replacing three of the ones that it told me were in my top seven with two from a 15th place tie and 33rd place.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on November 25, 2013, 09:30:06 PM
The good news is that it also wiped out your job.

wtf I liked that ;_;

Quote
With work out of the picture, what to do with your time becomes a pretty easy choice - help those who could use a helping hand.

I guess this means the internet got knocked out.  How horrifying.

Quote
WICKED AWESOME red velvet oatmeal butterscotch cookies with French vanilla and fudge swirl frosting like the mothafuckin' FIST AH DAH NOATH STAH!

YES ALL OF MY DREAMS

Quote
This time, you beat her by raising $1,839,327,298 to her $1,839,326,993.

SUCK IT BITCH

Quote
Completely exhausted after 47 straight days of labor, the two of you collapse on each other. You are both brought to a hospital where you compete with one another to see who can make the most ornate origami flower display for recovering victims. The two of you get hitched later I guess.

 :toot:
 
Quote
Death: At 110 while attempting to fight off dozens of sharks in the arctic ocean in order to save an entire cruise ship filled with blind, deaf, disabled, and mentally handicapped people with terminal cancer.

TOTALLY WORTH IT

I'm gonna gum so many of those sharks to death they won't know what bit them.
 
Quote
Last Words: "Yeooouch! Seafood soup is NOT on the menu!" Puns would've followed. Your mind is more than a bit addled by dementia at that point.

Further last words probably involved "glub" and "blub" in various combination but I guess you don't really speak underwater so they don't count.
 
Quote
Color: White

THE BLOOD OF ANGRY ME- wait wrong color
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on November 26, 2013, 08:00:45 PM
wtf I liked that ;_;
As someone who has had 7 different jobs since graduating college, who is actively looking for number 8, and who has more free time at work than at home, I'm completely unfamiliar with the concept. Sorry!
looked for something different, found this. seems silly.
1. Youmu
2. Flandre
3. Alice
4. Reimu
5. Eiki
6. Satori
7. Suwako
8. Chiyuri
9. Koishi
10. Remilia

Future: Ah, summer. A break from school. A break from the rigors of life. A break from being poor, too. Nothing like earning a spot of spending money on the side! 'Tis the season of part-time jobs and mowing lawns. You happen to be quite good at both. But someone else beats you to the punch every time. Regardless of what the job may be, every job for someone your age group has already been snatched up. All by the same person. His work ethic is commendable, but his greed most certainly isn't. He becomes a frequent sight, always sneering at you with an egotistical, mocking look painted on his ugly melon.

There he is. There he is. There. He. Is. Everywhere you go. Bussing tables. Trimming bushes. Stealing your money and your very future away from you. Always with a smug grin on his face. Always beating you to the punch. Time to punch back. A new day dawns, and you walk down to the biggest supermarket in town, awaiting the moment when it will open and always vigilant of your malefactor. Suddenly, the lights flicker on, the automatic doors slide open, and in you go. Then out. And back in. For the next few hours, you repeat this cycle. Sure enough, your presence alone seemed to be enough to attract... him here. You casually greet him, resisting the urge to punch him into low Earth orbit, and say that you just applied for a job. He responds by saying that's exactly what he's about to get. You let him enter and wait, only to see him emerge half an hour later. Sure enough, he produces a company shirt and a key for opening up early. But you aren't frustrated. Quite the opposite. The trap has been laid and set. You scamper home, only to return in the dead of night with a shovel and more pluck and grit than that supermarket could ever hope to handle.

Morning dawns on the supermarket. But you aren't there. You're far away. On a hill. In the neighboring town. Why? Your "friend" is about to find out. You spy him through a pair of binoculars as he walks towards the door in that goofy company shirt you have to wear. As he nears the entrance, a low rumble stops him in his tracks. However, it quickly subsides, and he dismissively walks to the door. He unlocks it and walks in. Slowly, the door swings shut. And just as it clicks close, a thunderous roar echoes throughout town. Fissures erupt through its parking lot and the entire structure fractures and splits, throwing detritus every which way. The earth opens up and suddenly all of it disappears. The entire supermarket and parking lot are swallowed whole in the 10 story deep sinkhole that you dug last night, calculated perfectly. It takes a full three weeks for the rescue crew to dig the kid out, who is more than set in terms of food. And for three weeks - three short but glorious weeks - you earn your pay and earn it well.
 
Death: Meh. Life's OK after that. You still get hit by a bus when you're 92 because dementia has really gotten to you by that point.
 
Last Words: You can only recount this one story to your grandkids over and over. You get hit by the bus and go flying through the air and land on top of a car, setting off the alarm and recount this one story to the alarm over and over. You are rushed to the hospital and recount this one story to the paramedics over and over. You lie on your deathbed surrounded by family still happily recounting this story over and over. At the funeral, the priest recounts the one story over and over. At the eulogy, your children recount this one story over and over. Then everyone goes home. Then the youngest of all the grandkids asks all the others "did Gran ever recount this one particular story with you?"
 
Number: Minimum wage
 
Color: Greenbacks
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: MewMewHeart on November 27, 2013, 01:03:36 AM
Future: "Hello, Mr. Fitzgerald, this is MewMew from Luna Pharmaceuticals and I have some important information for you. My understanding is that you have been taking our heart medication for some time now, yes? Well, as it turns out, we didn't fill your last refill order properly and your meds have been swapped with meds for ADHD. On the upside, you'll be able to pay very close attention to your heart attack. Have a nice day." *click*

"Hello, Mrs. Johnson, this is MewMew from Luna Pharmaceuticals. Yes, well, we're calling in regards to your mother's antibiotics. Yes, I understand that it's quite important that your mother receive this medication considering that she's recovering from surgery. Sepsis is quite the concern for recovering patients despite all the efforts surgeons go through to avoid such things. Well, as it turns out, we recently discovered the funniest thing about the antibiotics. It seems they don't buddy up so well with the painkiller meds that she's on and may cause her to have a severe case of restless leg syndrome, which can be quite difficult to deal with when recovering from hip replacement surgery. Well, we could always use repeat customers! Ha ha! Okay, you have a good day now. Buh-bye." *click*
 
"Hello, Senator Franklin, this is MewMew with Luna Pharmaceuticals. How are you today? Good, good. Well, senator, it seems like I have some bad news for you regarding your medication. Yes, I know you want to keep that rash in check, but stick with me here, this could be important. Indeed. I'd be worried too. Well, as it turns out, a team of Harvard-educated doctors are releasing a study that has found that our product actually causes Tourette syndrome as a side effect. Yes, I understand that you have a major speech forthcoming that could have incredibly profound ramifications on the socioeconomic structure of this country. We were just calling to remind you that you signed a waiver since this is a drug that's still in clinical trials and you're on your own. Good luck!" *click*
 
Your boss finds out about your crank calls and you wake up 4 days later in an abandoned warehouse in Sri Lanka with an empty syringe in your rump.
 
Death: Overdose at the age of 39.
 
Last Words: "This one's called the Jimi Hendrix Experience for a reason, dude."
 
Number: 420
 
Color: Trippy hippie.
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD -can't stop laughing-
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Sakurei on November 27, 2013, 04:51:15 AM
Future: Ah, summer. A break from school. A break from the rigors of life. A break from being poor, too. Nothing like earning a spot of spending money on the side! 'Tis the season of part-time jobs and mowing lawns. You happen to be quite good at both. But someone else beats you to the punch every time. Regardless of what the job may be, every job for someone your age group has already been snatched up. All by the same person. His work ethic is commendable, but his greed most certainly isn't. He becomes a frequent sight, always sneering at you with an egotistical, mocking look painted on his ugly melon.

There he is. There he is. There. He. Is. Everywhere you go. Bussing tables. Trimming bushes. Stealing your money and your very future away from you. Always with a smug grin on his face. Always beating you to the punch. Time to punch back. A new day dawns, and you walk down to the biggest supermarket in town, awaiting the moment when it will open and always vigilant of your malefactor. Suddenly, the lights flicker on, the automatic doors slide open, and in you go. Then out. And back in. For the next few hours, you repeat this cycle. Sure enough, your presence alone seemed to be enough to attract... him here. You casually greet him, resisting the urge to punch him into low Earth orbit, and say that you just applied for a job. He responds by saying that's exactly what he's about to get. You let him enter and wait, only to see him emerge half an hour later. Sure enough, he produces a company shirt and a key for opening up early. But you aren't frustrated. Quite the opposite. The trap has been laid and set. You scamper home, only to return in the dead of night with a shovel and more pluck and grit than that supermarket could ever hope to handle.

Morning dawns on the supermarket. But you aren't there. You're far away. On a hill. In the neighboring town. Why? Your "friend" is about to find out. You spy him through a pair of binoculars as he walks towards the door in that goofy company shirt you have to wear. As he nears the entrance, a low rumble stops him in his tracks. However, it quickly subsides, and he dismissively walks to the door. He unlocks it and walks in. Slowly, the door swings shut. And just as it clicks close, a thunderous roar echoes throughout town. Fissures erupt through its parking lot and the entire structure fractures and splits, throwing detritus every which way. The earth opens up and suddenly all of it disappears. The entire supermarket and parking lot are swallowed whole in the 10 story deep sinkhole that you dug last night, calculated perfectly. It takes a full three weeks for the rescue crew to dig the kid out, who is more than set in terms of food. And for three weeks - three short but glorious weeks - you earn your pay and earn it well.
 
Death: Meh. Life's OK after that. You still get hit by a bus when you're 92 because dementia has really gotten to you by that point.
 
Last Words: You can only recount this one story to your grandkids over and over. You get hit by the bus and go flying through the air and land on top of a car, setting off the alarm and recount this one story to the alarm over and over. You are rushed to the hospital and recount this one story to the paramedics over and over. You lie on your deathbed surrounded by family still happily recounting this story over and over. At the funeral, the priest recounts the one story over and over. At the eulogy, your children recount this one story over and over. Then everyone goes home. Then the youngest of all the grandkids asks all the others "did Gran ever recount this one particular story with you?"
 
Number: Minimum wage
 
Color: Greenbacks


I gotta be really bulky if I can dig a hole like that in a night. Lovely. I like how I become one of those old people I always wanted to avoid becoming. Telling about their past, infinitely repeating the same stoy over and over again.

I like money, alright.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 02, 2013, 07:15:16 PM
1. Yuuka
2. Chen
3. Youmu
4. Patchouli
5. Marisa
6. Yuyuko
7. Seija
8. Seiga
9. Cirno
10. Merlin P.
Lots of people with Yuuka at the top! As much as I "understand" Yuuka's appeal, I'll never "get" it.
 
Future: Life kinda stinks when you're bullied all the time. At your age, it'll be more than just embarrassing, too. It's a depressing look at humanity as a whole. But the tables are about to turn. See, on one night, you walk through a rough part of town only to stumble upon a feral cat. He's relatively young and is clearly out of it's goddamn mind. His beady eyes are fixed open in an exaggerated perma-stare, tufts of fur fly whenever he runs (which is almost always), and he's more jittery than a panicky chihuahua after twenty cups of espresso. Yet despite how dangerous and volatile he is, you take pity on him and offer him some leftovers from lunch. He drags them over to what seems to be a salt lick. Upon scarfing down his only meal of the day, he calms down (sorta) and rubs against your leg. You collect the crack to prevent it from being out on the streets and your new friend (or crack junkie in need of a fix) follows you home. You name him Boo as both a nod to Baldur's Gate and because he is completely unable to handle any sort of auditory stimulus without flying off the handle. 

Over a week's time, the two of you bond and you formally adopt him. He now shadows you wherever you go because he loves you so much (and is a coke fiend). Now life in this dangerous part of the city has become drastically easier. Part of it is because companionship gives you hope, but part of it is because you have 15 pounds of concentrated psychosis at your side at all times. You soon encounter the thugs that trouble your neighborhood so much, and it isn't long before you have an altercation with them. The little beast stands shakily (and a bit hallucinatory) along the sidelines as you start to get pummeled, but you realize that this little guy is trouble because of his addictions. Desperate, you drag out the bit of cocaine remaining in your pocket and fling it at your assailants. The damage it does is negligible at best, but Boo's eyes practically bug out of his skull. In a flash and with a most terrific screech, the tuft of fluff flings itself at the thugs. The screams of your attackers soon join the cat's screeching, and before long, they're reduced to a 700 lb. pile of scratch marks. His habit satiated for the time being, Boo returns to your side. As he rubs up against your legs again, it hits you: You effectively have a crack-based pokemon.
 
Death: Boo confronts you late in his life and tells you that he's been going to rehab and doesn't need you as a negative influence anymore. The two of you have had some good times, but he can't truly be free until he's free from his dealer. You beg him to stay, but he doesn't heed your pleas. He dons a fedora and picks up his two suitcases and slowly and mournfully heads out the door. He doesn't look back as your pleading becomes desperate. A symphony begins to play, adding extra drama to an already tearful scene. An ambitious trombone player tries a bit too hard to hit triple forte at the climax of the sorrowful tune and the end of his instrument suddenly becomes a projectile. The slide rockets from his trombone and catches you in the throat. Boo still gives the eulogy at your funeral. You will be 48.
 
Last Words: Despite taking a respectable amount of brass traveling at barely subsonic speeds to vital air passageways, you still do a better job of saying "NOOOOOO!" than James Earl Jones did in Revenge of the Sith. At least he was cool in Field of Dreams.
 
Number: 17 grams
 
Color: Orange
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Fuyuumi on December 02, 2013, 07:43:32 PM
I'll try it...

1. Sakuya
2. Alice
3. Marisa
4. Youmu
5. Cirno
6. Reimu
7. Remilia
7. Flandre
8. Reisen
9. Tewi
10. Suika

Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Raekuul on December 02, 2013, 11:08:52 PM
Between the berserker Boo and being speared on a spit valve...

speared on a spit valve! Now that's a way to die (as long as I'm not the overenthusiastic trombone player at another's funeral!)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Shadoweh on December 03, 2013, 02:35:39 AM
Lots of people with Yuuka at the top! As much as I "understand" Yuuka's appeal, I'll never "get" it.
Look at those pajamas! How can you not love them! They make me sleepy just seeing them! zzzzzzzz
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 03, 2013, 07:07:01 PM
Here is my list...of dooooom!
1.) Cirno
2.) Remilia Scarlet
3.) Flandre Scarlet
4.) Reimu
5.) Patchouli
6.) Alice
7.) Sakuya
8.) Marisa
9.)  Reisen
10.) Wakasagihime

Future: "What a terrible tragedy! Look at this mess. How could you have allowed it to happen? You're telling me that an argument with your television set compelled you to read a 500 year-old tome that prophesized the discovery of a sarcophagus containing change for a buck-fifty, a pile of laundry, and a Cabbage Patch Kid doll. You unearthed the sarcophagus yourself and the Cabbage Patch Kid told you that a great many werewolves would attack your clan if you didn't poison the river in order to prevent them from crossing. You then consulted a traffic light, which told you that mirrors and some prescription drugs contained silver, and you then dumped every last mirror and medicine cabinet in upstate New York into the Hudson River. The cosmic drug cocktail eventually spilled well into the Atlantic ocean stunted the entire fish population of the northeast coast. The mutations gave the fish wings and now school after school of fish have been found fluttering about from Jersey to Newfoundland. A number of pilots had to contend with this and had to make emergency landings as a result. Sure, everyone's OK, but there's been G-20 summits and United Nations meetings in the area. This means that important people have been on these planes. Really important people. Since the airports had so many planes pull emergency landings, all of the presidents, prime ministers, ambassadors, and other delegates have all been using the big inflatable slide to get off of them. This has caused them all to rediscover their childhoods and now they're running about the general assembly room, playing video games, and trying to hook up the old VCR so that they can watch The Brave Little Toaster for the 15th time. All of the developed nations in the world are in turmoil because of what you have set in motion. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Actually that was my Malk OC's fault. Maybe our Twilight 4 Ever LARP guild's current quest got a bit out of hand?"

Death: You rule the LARP scene until you're assassinated while LARPing an assassination target. You will have stuck to the LARP scene for waaaaaay too long at that point and seem to have attracted some negative reviews at that point. You are 71.

Last Words: "And lo, the Holy Matron prepared a great feast for the king, queen, and merry adventurers of Azkapandomiddleearth, and they did feast upon the Tostito's pizza rolls." Someone's mom made pizza rolls for your guild. Too bad they were poisoned.

Number: 19

Color: Chartreuse
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 04, 2013, 07:12:13 PM
Monthly reports done! I think I'll reserve Blue's for something different and have that be the last one.
1. Yasaka Kanako
2. Fujiwara no Mokou
3. Kazami Yuuka
4. Kurodani Yamame
5. Shameimaru Aya
6. Hong Meiling
7. Mizuhashi Parsee
8. Shiki Eiki
9. Aki Minoriko
10. Reiuji Utsuho
Into the abyss

Future: "DAY 1458 (MAYBE) - ATE A ROCK. COULD USE SOME BOOKS." Being trapped inside a huge mountain after a cave-in has... some upsides I guess? For one, you're not getting sunburned very often. There's no noisy neighbors or traffic and you've got all the bats and creepy blind insects you could eat, too! That isn't to say that you asked for this. You just wanted to dispose of your Gran's whoopie pies. You didn't want to be rude and get caught with them in the trash, and you couldn't eat them because she mistook the salt, sugar, and flour for baking soda. You were given hundreds of the things, too. Since you couldn't afford to dump them into the Mariana Trench in a lead-filled 18-wheeler, the cave seemed like the best option until you dumped the baking soda pies onto the same place where someone dumped their aunt's pasta sauce, which was made with the amounts of tomatoes and vinegar reversed. What were they odds?! Regardless, you've been trapped in the same cave for the last several years. Surviving is all you've had time for as you are far, far removed from a world of comfy beds, grocery stores, and indoor plumbing.

At long last, an important discovery breathes new hope into your chances for escape. A stroke of luck has guided you to a stash of dynamite abandoned by prospectors more than a century ago, which has given you our first potential means of escape since you gave up on politely asking the rocks to move 15 months ago. Time to blow this popsicle stand. You C-A-R-E-F-U-L-L-Y transport the stash to the highest, farthest corner of the cave's network of tunnels, light the fuse, and run far, far away. As it so happens, the dynamite's new location just so happens to be buried under a magazine for a fort built in WWII. That massive pile of artillery rounds also just so happens to be buried next to a stockpile of Cold War-era nuclear weapons stored in another underground bunker built in the mountain during the 50's at the height of the second Red Scare. Both have been left decaying and forgotten for decades. And you went and lit the fuse blissfully unaware of it all. Needless to say, the resulting blast provides you with a way out of the mountain. However, that statement is fundamentally incorrect because after the explosion there is no mountain to speak of whatsoever.

You emerge, and for the first time in 5 years, you see the sun! Oh, the glorious sun! How wonderful it is to see its warm light! Oh look! Curious campers have come by to see what the massive explosion was all about! Wait, why are they screaming? It's not because you haven't shaved or showered in several years, but rather because your pasty ass is so pale that they think you're the product of an unholy union between a ghost and a polar bear.

Death: At 73, you are finishing up teaching your last semester as a professor of speleology when you have a stroke.

Last Words: "Now let's talk about the dietary benefits and antiseptic properties of guano!" You've spared the rest of your class from a grisly fate.

Number: 10.

Color: We don't need color where we're goin'!
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Edible on December 04, 2013, 07:43:20 PM
Golden.
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: SIRookie on December 04, 2013, 08:38:51 PM
I almost spit coffee on my laptop. That was great
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on December 04, 2013, 09:21:42 PM
But why didn't he die of Neutrino Radiation? :V
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: SIRookie on December 04, 2013, 09:27:02 PM
Because if I did, I wouldn't have had a stroke at 73
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 04, 2013, 10:10:24 PM
But why didn't he die of Neutrino Radiation? :V
Because it would take a supernova from the sun to do that and he'd have to be somewhere between Mars and the explosion to do that. (http://what-if.xkcd.com/73/)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Zengar Zombolt on December 05, 2013, 12:01:25 AM
Because it would take a supernova from the sun to do that and he'd have to be somewhere between Mars and the explosion to do that. (http://what-if.xkcd.com/73/)
(Note: This is exactly what I was waiting for. GG)
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 09, 2013, 07:57:40 PM
1. Alice Margatroid
1. Yuuka Kazami
1. Yuuka (PC-98)
4. Koishi Komeiji
5. Patchouli Knowledge
5. Sakuya Izayoi
5. Satori Komeiji
8. Yuyuko Saigyouji
8. Yukari Yakumo
10. Byakuren Hijiri
(ALL HAIL THE PAJAMAS) I haven't done this for awhile. Seiga only made 12, I am sad. :<

Future: On a cold and dreary November evening, you plod down the street back to your workplace. You're returning from supper at a run-down restaurant up the street that has long since passed its prime. You approach the oldest building on the block, which stands proudly with its imposing size as it stands out amongst dozens of other old buildings on a street near the outskirts of this tired and aged city. The heavy, old door protests your incursion with a shrill squeak, and you enter. Each of the floorboards that make up the staircase leading to your place of work groan with age as you ascend to your workplace. You are greeted by a door at the third floor landing that reads "DUNN & KIRCHEWALD (PH.D.) PSYCHOTHERAPY ASSOCIATES". You push the door open, revealing an all-too familiar waiting room with padded wooden chairs lining the walls and an ornate throw rug in the center. The grandfather clock in the corner's grating ticking is interrupted as it chimes the hour. You hang your sopping wet trench coat and hat upon the lacquered wooden coat hanger by the desk at the far side of the room. "Good evening, Dr. Shadoweh. Mrs. Upton, your 6 o'clock appointment, should be along any moment now" says the sheepish secretary slouching at the desk. "Very well. Send her in when she arrives. I shall be ready." You resume your plod down the hallway lined with old paintings and another rug upon an aging hardwood floor. You come to the door to your office, crack open the ancient locked door with your key, and slowly slump down into your plush leather chair behind an ornately carved desk.
 
The rapping of the rain upon your windows and a low rumble of thunder preoccupies you before impatience begins to take hold. Suddenly, a faint knock emanates from the door. You beckon for the visitor to enter, and in comes a small, hunched figure. Mrs. Upton is slightly overweight, has messy brunette hair in a bob cut, and bears a perpetual nervous, timid look. "Please, have a seat" you say, gesturing to a worn leather chair in front of your desk. She briskly walks to it and sits down with her timid, doe-like expression fixed in place. That expression of unease would only intensify over the course of your revelations to come. "Mrs. Upton," you start. Each word chosen and enunciated well through your deep voice as it resonates through the room. "I'm afraid I have... unsettling news. After our last few sessions, we believe that your original diagnosis of early-stage paranoid schizophrenia may have been a bit... meek. After extensive analysis both here and at our laboratory, we believe that this condition has actually gripped you for some time. Not only that, but your condition has deteriorated more quickly than we realized. You have simply remained... somewhat functional. I believe your husband's death, however, was far from a mistake. What's been far more alarming is the numerous disappearances of your neighbors and the grisly circumstances in which they've occurred. However, this is merely the beginning."
 
"I've spoken with a friend of mine who is investigating these crimes, and he also happens to possess a knowledge of the occult. It seems the death of your husband and these disappearances may be related. These odd occurrences have shared a few disturbing trends." Your voice slows, yet strengthens, further punctuating the weight of your words on this frail flower sitting before you. "You see, Mrs. Upton, the evidence at all of these scenes point to the diablerie of a most vile cult, and all tales of this cult speak of their ability to manipulate and entrance another to do their wretched bidding at the cost of the puppet's very mind and soul. And as it just so happens, the fingerprints, tools, and even blood left at the scenes of these crimes all point to one. Single. Person. Mrs. Upton, you are responsible for the death of your husband. The same applies for the dozens of disappearances around your home, too. Why, the very reason you're here is tied to the destruction of your mind through the cult's awful machinations. And I'm afraid this madness will only assault your mind further. For you are not alone. No. Someone, something must always be watching you for such precise control. The noises you hear, Mrs. Upton, late at night, when no one's around, are quite real. Many eyes are watching you. Always watching you. Rats. The rats in the walls are watching you! They're the conduit between you and the one eating away at your soul! And you can never hope to escape their maleficent gaze! 'How do you know all this,' you ask? Well, my dear, I lead the very cult behind your pitiful state, and I myself have controlled your every move without you knowing for years! All while you so desperately clutch to the last frayed strands of your humanity! AHAHAHA-"
 
"SHADOWEH!" your colleague, who apparently eavesdropped on your private session, shouts from across the hall. "Mrs. Upton is only here for her last session to treat her mild postpartum depression, so cut that crap out!"
 
Death: Eventually, your pranks cross one of your patients the wrong way because they genuinely have a serious mental condition. You are 60.
 
Last Words: "For the love of God, Montresor!" Yes, for the love of God.
 
Number: 45
 
Color: Green Greens (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8halcuedf0)
 
I'm curious to see where this goes...
1. Ran Yakumo
2. Hata no Kokoro
3. Rin Kaenbyou
4. Suika Ibuki
5. Star Sapphire
6. Cirno
7. Youmu
8. Reisen
9. Nazrin
10.  Chen

Future: Life? Meh. It's okay, I guess. But somethin's missin'. Maybe it's because you're older and you're aging a bit. Maybe it's because you've done so much but only have so much left in the tank, too. Either way, somethin's gotta change. Work and dating just aren't going in your favor, so you want to devote yourself to something outside of your many hobbies, but just aren't sure what. Then it dawns on you. Why not an orphanage? Plenty of kids the world over could use a caring home, and you're just the kind to provide them with a way to get there. But this isn't going to be an ordinary orphanage. No sir. Work may have sucked for decades on end, but it more than paid the bills. Time to put that stash of cash and your drive for your escapist hobbies to good use.
 
Day one. Three unfortunate souls drag their feet to the classroom and take their seats. You stand at the blackboard, fresh piece of chalk in hand. As you finally garner the undivided attention of these reluctant new students of yours, you turn to the blackboard and scrawl "Lesson 1: How to be Batman" upon it. Despite clearly lacking any sensitivity or tact considering the events of the kids' lives, the move works and their eyes glow with excitement. You stay true to your words and teach much to your now eager new students. "Gym class" teaches Jeet Kune Do, "physics" means field trips to a spaceport, and "chemistry" involves constructive and comical use of C4. Used liberally. Even quiet time is typically used to hone their minds to perfection through meditation. The experiences are more than inspiring for all the young minds that pass through your doors. Many of them are adopted into homes which you screen to death and back to ensure that they'll be loved and taken care of. Those that aren't adopted think of you as a parental figure even as they age out of the orphanage. Overall, the orphanage produces more scholars and great athletes than anyone could ever expect from such a place. You might be a bit saddened that a few stay around for so long before simply going out into the world, although that's not to say that you don't enjoy having a squad of ninja around the house at all times.
 
Death: You're Dumbledore-esque status, which attracts the attention of some of the world's greatest and most positive people, also attracts some of it's worst. Worn by age, you are slain at 85. Many of your proteges contribute to tracking down the criminal and bringing him to justice. Not out of vengeance, but in order to prevent such a tragedy from happening a second time.
 
Last Words: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Why did you quote Old Ben? Star Wars will have been out for nearly 100 years by then and no one has taste in movies anymore. Clearly, this asshat deserves the whooping he'll get simply because he only saw the prequel series. Maybe being evil would make you enjoy the prequel series. Or maybe the prequel series is so bad that it's capable of making people evil.
 
Number: 6
 
Color: Bibbidi Bobbiddi Blue
 
Got room for one more?
1- Yuyuko
2- Satori
3- Yukari
4- Byakuren
5- Reisen
6- Marisa
7- Reimu
8- Sanae
9- Cirno (yes I know someone did this before, shut up)
10 - Nitori
The following views are not related to Red's thoughts on medical companies trufax 4 realsies.
 
Future: In the near future, you will have a frightening episode of low blood pressure which will cause you to pass out. You will be successfully rescusitated, but the entire process is traumatic at best and in the end, the doctors are unable to identify what caused the issue in the first place. The issue becomes a recurring one, and it is only several years later that you finally get an accurate diagnosis by a doctor intrepid enough to stick with the issue long enough to connect the dots. You have Addison's disease, an orphan disease that cannot be cured, but can be treated. The fact that the entire process and medications has cost you a boatload of cash and you are stressed out of your eyeballs has left a lasting impression. Frustrated with the entire process, you vow for changes, even if you have to do it yourself.

Taking a vein from your own experiences, you start your own business producing orphan drugs. Instead of running things like a business, you instead run production like its a research project and therefore cut out tons of extra spending on sales and middle management. This leaves technicians to do their work while what management workforce remains focuses on the legalese. The increased focus on production instead of sales is benefitted by your company's focus on treatment of specific illnesses for which you are the first to actively produce treatments for. Business goes well and before long you begin to produce more commonplace pharmaceuticals, yet your original model for how to run the biz spills over into everything else your rising company makes.

This series of events continues for some time and eventually you've become a permanent fixture on the global health care system which greatly benefits from it. The price of pharmaceuticals drops and equipment manufacturers can afford to produce simplified versions of their devices for developing countries. The stuff your organization makes reaches millions of more people than they did before. The entire new culture makes the entire process from diagnosis to recovery easier, cutting back on mistreatment and waste. You revel in the progress, which technically comes at the expense of a handful of formerly affluent CEOs. In order to help ease the tension between you and them, you frequently attend parties at their luxurious abodes. Of course, you organize the parties without them knowing and invite several hundred people whose lives you've changed for the better. These shindigs typically end with riot squads and tear gas breaking them up.
 
Death: You've got the best treatment that doctors and medicine could ever hope to provide! At worst, your systems give out when you're 99.
 
Last Words: "Dear diary: Today I got stuck in a ditch, fell into the toilet, and seem to be dying of a heart attack. I'm pleased to say these didn't all occur at once."
 
Number: 14
 
Color: Mother of pearl
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 11, 2013, 07:51:22 PM
1. Yukari
2. Yuyuko
3. Youmu
4. Remilia
5. Flandre
6. Byakuren
7. Toyosatomimi no miko
8. Reimu
9. Marisa
10. Satori
Hit me, assbutt.

Future: That's IT. That DOES IT. SCREW this stupid bank job. You are SICK and TIRED of COOKING THE BOOKS for some CUT-RATE CROOKS! 15 years at this place has more than frayed your nerves. Time to go. Time to do something - anything - else, especially if it means not taking any crap from some fatcat bankers. The entire system inside and out is filled to the brim with jerks trying to make a buck off anyone or anything. Forget it. Time to move on. Or is it? Well, yes and no. You're certainly done with being employed there. But you haven't even applied for work elsewhere. Strangely, it never even crossed your mind. What are you going to do with yourself now that you're free of that dump?
 
Why, go right back to it, of course. This time, with a bit more 'productive' intent. See, you know the place inside and out. You know every last aspect and detail of the entire building. It's layout. When it opens and closes. The codes used for the doors and how they change. You even know that someone hid the last of the chai latte packets in the second break room. Go back to the bank and work? Sure! But you're going to tear it apart in the process! After a little bit of research in your apartment, it's time to start sending out invites to your new bunch of goons who are going to help you rob the bank blind! However, everything is set on the condition that YOU and ONLY YOU be the one to physically open the vault.
 
With you at the helm of this little heist, everything goes smoothly. Putting up a front of an overnight systems update means no one's even thinking of work when you break in. Your disguises as maintenance personnel mean that you can go anywhere in the building, too. The place is abandoned and you have access to everything! With your crack team busy messing with security and passcodes, you make your way to the vault only to discover that it has far more layers of protection than you remember. Fingerprints, retinal scanners, voice matching, multiple codes and more. It'd take a master hacker a week to override all of these things. But you sorta wanted this to happen anyway. Finally, the opportunity arises for you to do what you wanted to do in the first place. This is YOUR revenge. You're gonna have things YOUR way for once here. If anyone is going to inflict any sort of damage on this place, it's going to be you. Out comes your secret stash of explosives, out comes the detonator switch, aaaaand...
 
Death: *BOOM*. Seems you inadvertantly used 100,000 pounds of explosives instead of 100. Well, no bank, no problem, right? You will be 42.
 
Last Words: "I'm only supposed to blow the bloody doors off?!"
 
Number: $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
 
Color: Green
Title: Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
Post by: Reddyne on December 16, 2013, 06:26:52 PM
OK. I'm aiming to finish things up around New Year's (there's like 3 left). Thanks for giving me something to do in this dull job of mine, guys.
01. Kotohime
02. Yuyuko
03. Kaguya
04. Meira
05. Youmu
06. Reimu
07. Eirin
08. Yumemi
09. Meiling
10. Komachi

Future: Who's the meanest motha fuckin' cop in town? Not you. Not by a longshot. Hell, considering your waistline, you're the softest cop in town. The only thing intimidating about you is the amount of mousse you invest in your mullet haircut. Even your aviators don't look tough considering that you're inside all day. In the mall. One that just happens to be in the ritziest section of town. Crime is practically non-existant here, too, considering how its stuffiness makes it so well-insulated from outside influence. You'd be no match for someone who actually posed a threat to the peace kept there, but you're a PRO at intimidating 11-year-olds who might just be harboring some intent to shoplift. It's a good thing, too, because the mall's some 8 stories tall and you've got a lot of ground to cover in your self-driving Segway for lazy people.
 
Then, one day, it happens. The fire alarm sounds, but that could signal far more trouble than a simple fire. Shoppers panic and chaos erupts. The rules of chivalry are completely thrown out the window as the men scramble for the exits, crashing through ladies in heels. High-end smart phones and designer jewelry go flying and more than one custom-tailored dress shirt is wrinkled and several bouffant hairdos are ruined. People slowly begin to pour out into the streets and parking lots. You and the police, the fire department, medical personnel, SWAT, and a bomb squad are all dispatched to check the entire building. However, no harm of any kind has taken place anywhere. To the surprise of many, there is no damage to the mall at all outside of displays being knocked down. There aren't any major injuries outside of some bruises and some tweaked ankles thanks to all those high heels, too. No fire damage, no collapsed walls or ceilings, no armed robbers, no looting, no water main breaks or electrical failures. Nothing! Everyone is safe and everything is where it should be. Once the all-clear is sounded, employees return to work and shoppers filter back in. But amongst all the return to normalcy that the returning peace grants, something is out of place. No, something is missing. You return to the food court to notice that your lobster dinner covered in hot fudge, marshmallows, and raisinets is gone. It was the only thing that was stolen. You rear back to face the heavens and let out a most mournful howl of despair.
 
Death: You attempt to run down an escalator that is going up in an attempt to catch a thief who is making off with an Eddie Bauer sweater vest, cigars, and chardonnay. You trip and fall down the escalator for 7 hours. You are 49.
 
Last Words: "Bury me with Rusty." Rusty is your police dog brought on to help you sniff out batches of weed left in the trashcans. Rusty does NOT appreciate your last request.
 
Number: Precinct 129
 
Color: Copper