I am Hata no Kokoro.
That is not just my name. It is what I am. I was created centuries ago to be the focus of a series of plays to balance the nation of Japan. For a few brief days we were the focus of an entire nation's emotions, each bound to a mask. We were "Hata"'s heart, on display to the world.
Then we were placed on a boat and sent out to sea. Filled with the emotions of humanity, we were abandoned for fear we would become youkai.
To be fair, we did.
The sixty six masks of Hata became menreiki, mask youkai. Each one filled with an emotion. The sorrow of every mourner. The joy of every celebrant. The jealousy of every jilted lover.
The hope of a nation.
Together in Gensoukyo, the strange realm we drifted to, we lay together. Each balancing the other's emotions. And as the centuries passed we slowly became I . The fused emotions of each mask.
Ironically, it wasn't until I lost a mask that I became a true youkai instead of a fusion of masks. But that story is well known. I danced it at the Hakurei Shrine until the humans became bored with it.
Ever since that day I've wandered Gensoukyo, enjoying my life and learning about emotions. Turning the expressions on my masks into the expressions on my face. I perhaps know more about emotions than anyone else. And less than most. Emotions are complex, and understanding yourself is hard even if you can see your own emotions.
What I can tell you is I am many things right now. I am scared, apprehensive of the changes I feel in me. I am happy, proud of what I've done. I am sad, mourning the childhood I have lost. And I am determined, ready to face this challenge head on.
And I have hope, that the future me will be stronger.
I write this because Satori Komeiji, sister of my nemesis, told me writing will help me understand my feelings. To create a story for myself. And I feel I need that story. Even if the dance I created tells what happened, that's not my story. My story is more than simple actions and events. It's about emotions.
------
It started with joy.
I was at a party. Not a big shrine celebration, or a village festival, but a small gathering. Officially we were the "Tsukumogami Defense Front." Protecting tools from human aggression. In reality only the founder, Medicine, cared about that. The rest of us were just here to have fun and keep an eye on the doll youkai. Medicine alternated between being a kid and being cluelessly angry at humans. It would be funny if she didn't have the power to poison anything.
Kogasa was the second oldest member, and the reason this was an actual group instead of just Medicine seething over humans by herself. The karakasa was a very nice girl, if terrible at scaring people. She was also an excellent smith, who helped repair my naginata after a few summers of fighting.
Yatsuhashi was another fun member. She was hotheaded and quick to leap into any dare, but she wasn't as combative as Medicine. Yatsuhashi often provided the day's 'protest.' Fortunately Medicine hadn't figured out those protests were just an excuse to go climbing or swimming as a group.
On the other hand Benben always rubbed me the wrong way. I think it's because she works at being the older sister. I just don't trust older sister types. At least not since the religious war. She's a good dancer though.
Lastly was Raiko. She was the youngest of us, but she acted the oldest. She's also really strong. I have no idea why she joined the group, because she's a hedonist who could find any number of more interesting people to play with. Maybe she wanted to have a more casual hobby? Or maybe the sisters talked her into it. I guess I just don't understand her. She's very modern, while I can't help but be traditional.
We were enjoying tea and lemon cookies Kogasa had stolen while chatting about what we'd done recently. Mostly small pranks. It had been a while since a large incident. We were mostly just having fun speaking with our fellow tsukumogami.
Medicine was the one who interrupted the general chatter. She slammed a newspaper down onto the table, then leaned on it so no one could read it. "So! There are reports of a fellow tool that has freed itself from human oppression! As director of the Tsukumogami Defense Front I believe we should go on an expedition to liberate it."
I did my best to read the paper, but Medicine had completely covered up the title. All I could see was a photograph of straw dolls surrounded by shimmering energy. I figured it was just that puppeteer girl doing an experiment again. I'd wanted to do a performance with her, but she was hard to find.
Raiko drummed her fingers on the table. "I haven't felt any new tsukumogami animating myself. Not since Reimu cleaned out the ones that tanuki was creating in the village. Where is it?"
"One of the caves in old hell," Medicine said proudly. The doll youkai folded her arms. That let me look at the article itself.
The title was 'Secret Treasure Cache In Old Hell?' Apparently the dolls were an experiment in gem finding dolls. They had discovered a fissure in the earth at the base of the mountain. However all the dolls had malfunctioned soon after finding the cave.
"That doesn't look like tsukumogami activity," Kogasa said.
Medicine pouted. "What else could it be? That doll master would have noticed poltergeists or phantoms."
"Maybe there's actually treasure there?" Kogasa suggested. "The temple people say there's a lot of stuff buried underground in the area."
"Ooh, a treasure hunt sounds cool," Yatsuhashi said. "It would be nice to actually have a budget. Or maybe it's some magical item that we could turn into a tsukumogami!"
"I hadn't thought of that..." Medicine seemed happy at the idea. I was less enthusiastic. Tsukumogami should wake up on their own. But leaving a mystic item trapped in the earth was also impolite.
Benben shook her head. "I'm a little worried. Even if the dolls weren't reacting to evil spirits, there's a lot of spirits in the underground aren't there? It's dangerous for us. Not everyone can use poison to ward off possession like you can Medicine."
Raiko laughed. "Don't worry about that. We're all pretty strong, so lesser ghosts have no chance. And I can blast the stronger ghosts away. Assuming Kokoro doesn't scare them off with one of her angry masks." I felt my lip tug downward in a frown. Raiko was useful in helping me learn how to show emotions without masks, but they were usually negative emotions.
Still she had a point. This group was surprisingly strong. We'd all stood up against the most powerful youkai in Gensoukyo, though the sisters and Kogasa could only pull that off for a short time.
"Let's take a look," I said. The cookies were mostly done, and it seemed like fun. I assumed it would just be a simple trip, and we might find gems or something meaningless there.
We were all terribly wrong.
-----
The woods radiated fear.
Some areas seem filled with menace. They give you the feeling like a predator is watching you. They let you know you aren't welcome. There are many places like that in Gensoukyo.
This forest was scared. The grass grew tall not to reach the sun, but to escape the soil. The trees twisted in a desperate attempt to uproot themselves. It was like hearing the scream of the predator's victim. The fear came not from danger but from sympathy.
Medicine was the most affected by the dark aura. The doll was the closest to humanity. Still she didn't turn back. "The cave should be around here."
"This atmosphere is worrying," Benben said. "Are we sure this is a good idea? A tsukumogami waking up here might need a few centuries to cool down."
I almost agreed with her. But there were other considerations. "If they aren't a tsukumogami yet it would be good to get them out of here. Besides it could just be treasure. The new hot springs might be why the trees are dying."
Raiko nodded. Her eyes were hard now. "I still don't feel anything strong enough to challenge us. We should be fine so long as we keep our eyes open."
"I found the cave!" Kogasa said, pointing at a shadowed area in the side of the mountain. It looked like a river had flowed into the underground here a long time ago. The river was dry, but the passage it carved was now open.
The cave radiated menace.
Yatsuhashi summoned light. We could see just as well in the dark, but light gave us an advantage over some youkai. "Um, so what do you want to do Medicine?"
Medicine considered the matter for a bit. Finally the doll planted her hands on her hips. "We're going to investigate! The Tsukumogami Defense Front won't retreat from danger."
It was a ridiculous statement, but that decided it. Kogasa summoned some light of her own, and then we headed into the cave.
The cave itself started uninteresting. But then we hit the first branch. And another. It quickly became a honeycomb of tunnels. Each looking almost identical to the others. The path ahead was clear, but a single misstep would leave us lost.
We should have known it was a trap and turned around. Instead we just pressed on.
After the tenth branch Medicine paused. "Does anyone know where we're going?"
"Not really," Yatsuhashi admitted. "We're kinda just following you."
"Perhaps we should turn back if we can't find a path," Benben said. "Wandering around in the dark without knowing how to find what we're looking for doesn't seem like fun."
We all nodded in agreement with that. Fun was the goal. Sometimes dangerous or scary things could be fun, but stumbling through empty caves wasn't it.
"I can't find feel any rhythm to this place," Raiko said with an apologetic shrug. Kogasa seemed similarly perplexed.
I closed my eyes and reached out with my power. My masks swirled around, sensing the emotions about me.
"Hate. There's a great deal of hatred in front of us," I finally said. "About forty jo away."
Medicine considered it, then moved her hands in a circle. A dark purple miasma flowed around her hand. A poison that could banish the dead. "Okay. We'll take a look, and if it's just ghosts we'll leave."
I nodded in agreement and mentally summoned my fans. The enchanted props would be more effective against spirits than my other weapons.
It was at thirty sixth breakpoint that the cave opened up into a large chamber. One big enough that we couldn't see the far end. The hatred was closer now.
"Does anyone smell blood?" Kogasa said, looking around while clutching her umbrella body.
"Yes. Human blood," Benben said.
Yatsuhashi looked around. "Do you hear a ringing?" She winced. "It's pretty loud."
Medicine looked confused. "I don't hear anything."
I dropped my fans for my naginata. "Duck!" I yelled to Yatsuhashi.
She dropped to the ground just as the Gashadokuro appeared and bit down. The giant skeletal hunger spirit let out a high pitched screech as Yatsuhashi flew away from it.
I approached the Gashadokuro slowly. It had been a long time since I'd seen one, and I'd forgotten most of its weak points. The creature swung a massive bony hand at me, and I parried, looking for a way to destroy it.
Then Raiko snapped her fingers and a crash of thunder blasted the skeletal creature apart. She snapped her fingers again, and a wave of thunder and lighting washed over the bones shattering them into dust.
Did I mention that Raiko is really powerful? Because she is.
"What was that?" Medicine asked.
"The spirit of someone who starved to death," I answered. "They must have gotten lost in the caverns."
Kogasa looked around. "Do you think that's the reason this place feels so evil?"
"Maybe," Raiko said. "I wouldn't bet on it though. It was a little weak."
"I'm just glad to still have my head. It'd be hard to replace," Yatsuhashi said. "Thanks, Raiko."
Raiko smiled. "Anytime."
"Let's find this treasure and go home," Medicine said sharply before turning back to the cavern. I felt similarly. This wasn't fun anymore. Time to finish up and leave.
We walked further into the cavern. All of us looking around for more attackers. But nothing attacked us. It was just the darkness and the echoing drip of cave water.
Then the light gleamed on dozens of white figures slowly bobbing in crimson liquid. I peered forward trying to guess what it was. It didn't look like any treasure, but it was definitely out of place.
Unfortunately Medicine recognized them immediately. "Those poor dolls! Who abandoned them here?!"
"Wait!" Kogasa yelled as Medicine rushed forwards, but it was too late. Medicine's obsession meant she would always try to rescue dolls. There was nothing we could do except follow.
As we got closer the horrid scene revealed itself. It was a pool of blood. There in the crimson liquid a thousand straw boats sat broken and upended. A tableau of shipwrecks that had cast their Nagashi-bina doll riders into the crimson sea.
"Medicine, get away from there," Benben said, her voice quivering. I agreed completely with her. Even a human had to be able to feel the curses.
"I just need to grab-" Medicine shrieked as the bloody water reached up to engulf her. The doll youkai flooded the air with poison, but the corrupted liquid was unaffected.
"Medicine!" Kogasa raised her umbrella high and summoned a miniature typhoon, but it didn't seem to affect the blood at all. Medicine was dragged into the crimson pool.
And with that the air exploded in moans and screams. Ghosts and undead youkai swarmed out of the walls and floor, their twisted arms reaching for us. Fear gripped me and I swung wildly, slashing the spirits near me.
All around me the others were fighting for their lives. Kogasa was alternating rain and sun as she flew towards Medicine. The sisters wove a tapestry of song that shattered the ghosts around them. And Raiko just pulsed with power, sending the skeletal figures reaching for her flying.
It was futile.
Raiko was next to fall. A crimson energy just passed through her attacks and flowed right into her. The powerful youkai went limp, then twisted unnaturally in the air as the power tried to possess her.
Benben yelled out something and turned to help the drum youkai. In that moment of weakness the crimson energy enveloped both her and Yatsuhashi.
And then a spirit hit me. I was stunned by a wave of rage. Petty, yet hot. My masks spun as the feelings tried to overwhelm me. I desperately reached out to calm the emotions. If the spirit's rage was quelled, maybe it would leave me alone.
It worked. My mind cleared and I could move my body again.
So I ran.
I want to say that I knew there was nothing I could do for the others. That I'd made a tough decision. But the truth is I was just scared. I ran because I wanted to live.
The ghastly arms grabbed at my legs and I leaped over them. The ghosts rushed at me and I slapped them aside. I let my mask of fear take over and I did my best to get away.
Of course I ended up in the maze of cave passageways. That's what they were designed for after all.
I moved through the twisting caves, the screams and moans of the ghosts surrounding me. But they weren't able to keep up. Even though I was lost, I could tell where the hatred's source was. I just ran away from that.
However there were those still faster then me.
A flash of purple signalled the arrival of Kogasa. For a second I felt joy. Then I saw her dead eyes. She had been possessed.
With a flick of her umbrella she sent a wave of danmaku towards me. I rolled to the side, then rushed at her. I needed to get past.
I dodged another wave of bullets then caught her with the butt of my naginata and slammed her into the floor. Her neck broke, but I made sure not to damage her umbrella, so she'd be fine. That handled I continued my flight.
As I reached the end of the maze a web of music formed in front of me. The sisters' work. There was no way around it so I had to press through. I summoned my determination and turned it into fire, flying through the net like a wave of flame. The bands cut me, but I pushed through.
And then I was outside. The sun was blazing, enough that the twisted forest couldn't block its light. I collapsed. The ghosts wouldn't come up here.
I was alone.
----
That day I learned the meaning of despair.
Some say despair is the absence of hope. They are wrong. I have lost my hope before, and the pain and confusion I felt those days was nothing. Not compared to this sorrow.
We youkai are spiritual creatures. Our bodies are less important than our spirits. When a youkai is possessed by a ghost they are destroyed.
For the first time in my life, my tears weren't just painted on.
I wept for my friends, once again forced into servitude as tools. I drowned in my guilt. How had I survived and escaped while they had all fallen?
I've heard people in the outside world say grief has five stages. The first is denial. I'm not certain if that's true. But that was what I experienced.
And it might have saved us all.
My mind searched for answers. How did Medicine's poisons fail? How could the spirits get past Raiko's spells?
No ghost or phantom should have been able to resist those attacks. Raiko was nearly as strong as a god. And Medicine had spent years at the Sanzu riverbank. How did my attack work and theirs fail?
For that matter why was Kogasa a mindless puppet after her possession? How did the ghosts possessing the sisters use the spiritual magic that came from Yatsuhashi and Benben's souls? That didn't make sense either.
I took off the mask of grief and put on the mask of joy, trying to use my abilities to balance my own emotions. It was a dangerous trick. The mask made me feel more ill then happy, but it cleared my mind.
And I remembered something very important. Medicine couldn't be possessed by a ghost. She was 'possessing' herself. One of the stronger youkai had said that at a party.
If my friends were just being manipulated instead of possessed there was still hope.
As my other masks slipped away my thoughts solidified. The Nagashi-bina dolls were the key. They'd been the lure that had drawn us in. I needed to know more about them.
Which meant I needed to find Hina Kagiyama.
----
I was lucky. I ran into Hina before I entered into the parts of the mountain that the tengu claimed.
Maybe she was drawn to the curses that had stuck to me.
After introductions I explained what had happened in the caves below the earth. Hina seemed disturbed when I described the bloody pool and the Nagashi-bina dolls within.
When I finished she shook her head. "The dolls were supposed to go to the ocean to be purified by nature. If they went into that underground pool instead... the curses around them must have congealed."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Hina slowly paced in a circle as she thought. "It depends on how old the dolls were. Judging by the lingering curses on them, I think the dolls have sat there for several centuries."
"And?" I was impatient. I wanted answers, not a history lesson.
"The rituals have changed over time," Hina said. "The dolls that pooled there probably don't just have curses. They probably also contained the grudges and sins of the humans that sent them off. In the old days they were used to purge negative emotions as well."
"Ah!" The thought hit me. "So the crimson phantoms weren't phantoms at all. They were the discarded emotions of humanity." That explained why I could banish them when everyone else was helpless.
Hina nodded. "Along with curses and sins. They're closer to human desires than ghosts or phantoms."
The joy at learning the truth was quickly eaten by worry. "So what does that mean for my friends?"
"Your friends are just being used as tools for the curse," Hina said. "Unlike a ghost there's no purpose or will other than the desire to destroy. Their personalities are probably still there, buried under the emotions driving the curses. If they're freed soon they should be okay."
"That's great!" I could barely restrain my excitement. "So how do we banish them?"
Hina started pacing again. "I... don't know. I can absorb the curses. But the emotions would still be there. Without the curse shielding their minds anymore...."
"So we need to handle the emotions?" I nodded slowly. "I can do that."
"You'd need to take in all of them at the same time," Hina said quietly. "I can't choose which curses I absorb. Not in a place like that. Can you really handle centuries of accumulated bad emotions?"
There was only one answer to that. "Yes."
Hina looked at me closely to see if I was bluffing, but reading me is somewhat difficult. In the end she simply shrugged. "Okay. Let's go then."
----
The truth is I lied to Hina.
I can control human emotions easily. But free emotions? That was something different. I couldn't just change the mood. I needed to absorb them and manipulate myself.
When I was just a set of masks that would be easy. Now that I was a complete youkai I couldn't just dismiss my own feelings. I needed a plan.
I figured one out quickly. The problem would be putting it into action.
Our entrance into the caverns was simple. I thought the lingering ghosts that were haunting the place would put up a fight, but they let us in. Perhaps they figured their trap would work again.
Hina seemed unnerved by the place. Or perhaps she was still worried about me? I didn't spend energy to check. I needed to remain focused on my goal.
We reached the final cavern and the darkness swallowed us. The lights we summoned seemed muted. Hina and I moved closer together. My friends were here somewhere, and if they decided to attack we would need to act quickly.
Finally we reached the crimson pool of curses. Hina looked down at the mess. "Where are the others?"
"Waiting in ambush," I guessed.
The darkness parted at my words. My friends surrounded us, hanging in the air with empty eyes. It was very dramatic. I would have appreciated it a great deal if our lives weren't in danger.
"I'm starting," Hina said. She began spinning. The dark crimson auras flickered then started funneling towards her.
It was my turn then. I took a deep breath, lowered my defenses, and summoned all my masks.
The emotions controlling my friends sensed me, and they flowed into me like water rushing downstream.
It's difficult to describe what happened in that moment. I went into shock. The conflicting emotions filled my existence, closing over my consciousness like a dark wave. I couldn't think. The emotions drowned thought. I could only react using my instincts.
So I started dancing.
Dancing was as much a part of me as the masks. It was sacred dance that first summoned the emotions of a nation.
And it was dance that would take control of the emotions here.
---
Hope is a strange emotion. The saints and poets claim hope is something pure, untainted. A gleaming light that stands alone. It was that vision of hope that formed my mask.
When I lost that mask I tried to gain hope from others. There I learned all the different faces of hope. The hope of the weak and the strong. Blind hope and self assured hope. The smothering hopes of the pious, and the stirring hopes of the treacherous.
And the one thing I learned about hope is that it could mix with any other emotion.
As the dark emotions dragged me under, it was hope that I called up to keep myself strong. Hope mixed with determination. The belief that if you struggle, that if you try, you will one day succeed.
The witch had given me this hope, even though she tried to hide it behind her own masks. It was perhaps the strongest hope, and the one I'd claimed as my own.
As the hope rose within me, fear moved to crush it. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear that no matter how hard I tried I would never succeed. That I would fail even at being a youkai. That I would disappear forever, leaving Medicine alone.
They were all reasonable fears. I couldn't argue against them.
So I accepted them.
I let the fear mix with the hope and determination. The fears were real. But I couldn't let them stop me. I had to push forward, because that was where hope was. And as I danced the fear slowly drained away.
Into the gap washed guilt. Guilt over those I hurt in the past. The shame of being unable to help the one I loved. The self loathing from abandoning my friends here to die. The memories of all those I couldn't save from fading away. Those poor souls awakened by the mallet only to die days after.
Determination wouldn't help me here. No amount of will could change the past. So I called upon a different hope. One mixed with cheer. I accepted that I had made mistakes, but I held on to the belief that in the end, everything would work out.
The fallen monk had shown me this hope. She had a calm certainty that her path was true. That everything in the past was the will of the universe, and she was just playing her part. A humility that ascended to arrogance.
I danced, and the guilt faded. The shame cut into me, but at each self inflicted wound I forgave myself. I thought of how I could make the future brighter. And as I did the guilt fell away.
Jealousy stabbed its cold spike through my heart, and I nearly stumbled. It was so unreasonable. Why was Raiko so much more powerful than me? Everyone else was just born understanding emotions, why did I have to fight to learn them? All those happy couples annoyed me. And it just wasn't fair how my sister was more popular. I was sure Raiko loved Benben more than she loved me.
They were such petty emotions. It was ridiculous to demand that others should suffer so that I would feel better. But I couldn't throw the emotions away. That would only give them control over me.
Instead I changed hopes again. A petty hope, mixed with love. The belief that tomorrow would be the same as yesterday. That the world would keep moving, with perhaps a few more coins in my hand and a few more friends by my side.
The shrine maiden had shown me this hope. I'd never thought much of it. But here and now I started to see its strength. How it had held Gensoukyo together.
The jealousy mixed in with this hope, its harsh screech becoming a joking mumble. Jealousy was part of friendship, but so was love. There was, if not empathy, understanding.
I danced, and the movement consumed me. I almost didn't notice the change that happened. My movements slowed, became languid. I began to wonder why was I bothering? After all my sister was possessed. What was the point if she was gone?
It was then I realized. I hadn't just absorbed the emotions that had been drawn into the dolls. I had absorbed some of my friends' emotions too. I was being dragged down by sorrow. Not my own, but Benben's grief.
Understanding led to action. I wasn't a master at dealing with sorrow, but I knew one hope that could push through anything. Another arrogant hope, but one that was very familiar to me. The smug hope that if I just followed my plan, everything would work. Because I knew best.
That one I learned from my creator, Miko. And no matter how annoying it had worked more times then I could count. Even when things were going wrong I kept my eyes to the future.
I kept my movements slow, but I broadened them. Made the gestures more dramatic. The sorrow mixed slowly, but it did mix. And eventually it faded away.
And then there was a blast furnace of rage. Why did I have to do this? How dare these grudges eat up my time! How dare they try to manipulate me!
How could I ever forgive the humans who used and abandoned us?!
Even knowing those were Medicine's thoughts, the anger burnt me. How could I quell this hatred? I couldn't act on it, but I couldn't try to deny it either. What hope did I have?
I danced in place as I tried to think of a time I'd ever been that angry. To discover a way to move past it.
And in the end I thought of her. My lover. My nemesis. The only person who'd ever shown me pure hope.
I reached for that vision. I tried to recapture that feeling. The childish belief that, even if I can't do anything, it will still be all right in the end.
It was hard. Rage and hatred tore at my focus. But I managed to form that core of hope. I'd gone this far. I couldn't fail here.
And then with the core of hope I accepted the anger.
The clash made me dizzy. It was almost too much to handle the contradictions. But emotions don't need to make sense. Hope and rage and helplessness blended, slowly fading, leaving only hope behind. Because in the end accepting emotions is what I am.
I am Hata no Kokoro. I was built to accept the emotions of all Japan. Whether it be the rage of all who had been wronged, the guilt of all who failed, the fear that suffuses all humans.
Or the hope of a nation.
My dance slowed then stopped. My senses cleared as the last emotions faded. I was in the cavern, but there was no menace. The pool of blood was now water, and the curses were gone.
And my friends were all around me, watching me with worried eyes.
Medicine was first to react. She rushed forward and hugged me tight. "You did it! You're the greatest mask friend ever!"
Then the rest moved forwards to congratulate me. "That was awesome! I only wish I hadn't been possessed during it." "You're a wonderful friend Kokoro." "Not bad work. You really are something." "Thanks for saving us all! Oh and don't worry about my neck. I'm having fun with it."
That day I learned you could cry from joy.
----
In the end Hina took the dolls. Medicine pouted, but even she agreed only Hina could properly take care of them. Besides we owed her. She'd absorbed years worth of curses. She'd need to ask the frog goddess to bleed some of them off.
We all returned to our meeting place and broke out the special sake for a victory party. It wasn't really much of a victory, but we all felt we'd earned the drink. I heard afterwards that Kogasa used her broken neck to scare some people before fixing it, but I missed that fun.
My friends were a little shaken up by the incident, but they all recovered quickly. Understanding why none of our protections against ghosts had worked helped soothe the fear and wounded pride. Though I overheard Raiko talking about finding a defense against an emotional attack like that in the future.
I however found myself ruminating about the events. I had seen parts of my friends I shouldn't have. Ripped into their emotions and thoughts. To feel happy go lucky Kogasa's fear, childish Medicine's raging hatred, carefree Raiko's deep guilt, generous Yatsuhashi's pettiness, and mature Benben's childishness.... It felt like I'd stolen something from them.
Satori told me I was being too dramatic about reading the hearts of others. This is perhaps why I'm in love with her sister and not her. Still I owe her for listening to my rambling emotions.
In the end I find myself with more questions than I have answers. Questions about how I view others. About what makes a person. About emotions. About who I am. And about what it means to be a youkai.
I feel like I'm growing older. But I don't feel like I understand more. I feel more lost than ever.
Satori tells me that's normal too. That even she and Koishi felt that way. Knowing that softens the blow, but makes the whole experience stranger.
But I've reached the end of this tale. All tales have to end somewhere after all. And while I don't understand everything, I feel determined to learn. I'm sure those will become great stories as well.
For now I simply thank Satori for giving me this book. And I hope that perhaps my love will read it. So that she can see my heart, without having to give up her own.
