This started as a WWC entry, but I quickly decided the core idea had other uses that I didn't want to disregard. So it goes here now.
[Square brackets indicate lyrics~.]
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TOUHOU MUJIKARU - MANGEKYOU NO UTA
A CLUSTERFUCK IN THREE ACTS
ACT THE FIRST
SCENE THE FIRST
Scene: Evening, in the midst of THE CLUB at New Years' Eve. The party-goers are mainly students letting off steam following a day of holiday-going in the snowy mountains above. One of the five-thousand Touhou trance arranges is playing in the background, as the mass of students dance in various ridiculous and nonsensical ways.
(Cut to THE LOUNGE, where SAKURA RUROUNI is lying back on the couch in the midst of the stage. She is engrossed in a book - no title is given, but the front cover is adorned with a white rose.
After a few seconds, NOBU enters from stage left.)
NOBU: (Playfully) Oh, don't tell me you're still reading that.
RURO: (Leaning up) What? It's a long story. You can't expect me to finish it anytime so-
(NOBU puts a hand on RURO's bare leg, revealed thanks to the miniskirt she is wearing. Any complaints about the clothing not being appropriate for December are to be ignored.)
NOBU: No, I mean that you're missing the party! It's New Years', Ruro! Get out here and live a little!
(NOBU reaches over and snatches the book out of RURO's hands. Almost instinctively, RURO begins to flail, but NOBU holds the book just far away enough to taunt her.)
RURO: B-But wait! I only just made it to the second act!
NOBU: (Sounding serious now) There are people out there a lot more interesting than books, y'know. Just try and meet someone, okay?
RURO: (Silence for a few moments, looking like she is seriously pondering the idea, then looking up to NOBU with a childish pout) Only if I get the book back.
(RURO stands up as NOBU drops the book back in her hands. RURO utters a small thank you. Cut to THE GYM, where KILGAMAYAN and VIC VIPER are going through more practice. They are staring intently at each other, severe looks on their faces.)
KILGA: 37.
VIC: 53.
KILGA: 79.
VIC: 103.
KILGA: (growing angry) 127!
VIC: (likewise) 149!
KILGA: 163!
(LETTY enters stage right during KILGA's last number, staring in awe at the sight in front of him)
LETTY: Sorry, I'm not a football guy myself, but what sort of play code was that?
(VIC and KILGA suddenly look away to LETTY, completely cheerful.)
KILGA: Play code? No, we finished football practice ages ago. We're just trying to see who's gonna be the first guy to screw up and say a number that isn't prime.
(LETTY loses track of what he had been intending to say for a moment, but eventually finds his voice again.)
LETTY: ...Look, this isn't the point! You can't seriously tell me that you're going to sit here and play number games on New Years' Eve, can you?!
(Pause.)
VIC and KILGA: (in unison) Maybe.
LETTY: (Getting frustrated, facepalms) You guys are lucky to have me. Otherwise you'd just sit here wasting away while everyone else your age is having fun at the last party of the year! Stop being sad number freaks already!
VIC: Says the guy who watched Queen's Blade?
LETTY: ...Just get out there.
VIC: Not until we're done with this game. 179!
KILGA: 191!
VIC: 207!
KILGA: (making his own sound effect) Bzzt. 69 x 3. That's another five bucks you owe me.
VIC: Dammit! Sometimes I think making bets like this against a math major is a bad idea...
(Skip to a few minutes later, back in THE CLUB. KILGA emerges from stage left, having changed his football attire for his tradition Reisen getup [sadly, with no ears and pants instead of a skirt]. He makes small attempts to converse with the other partygoers, but besides that does little. RURO enters from stage right, dressed exactly as she was before, and quickly sits somewhere in the corner to return to her book, ignoring the party once again. In the centre of the room, DJ SANA is playing the music...on what is quite clearly a IIDX controller.)
SANA: YEAH, YEAH, JUST FEEL THAT BEAT! GOOD GRAVY, THIS IS AN AAA IN THE MAKING! IT'S LIKE I'M FREAKING DOLCE!
RANDOM PARTYGOER: (to the audience) Yeah, too bad he gets lost on the way to the bathroom.
(The music stops)
SANA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for the last song o' the year, so I'm gonna need to pick out two lucky kids to sing us into January! Polaris?
(The lights in the room begin to waver around, and the crowd mutters with some combination of awe and concern. The two lights finally come to a stop on KILGA and RURO.)
SANA: Oooooookaay! You two, get on up here and get ready to sing your hearts out!
(KILGA immediately tries to step backwards, muttering to the people around him that there's been a mistake, but he is unable to stop the crowd pushing him forward and up onto stage. RURO is clearly not even aware what's going on until the hands push her along as well, and finally the pair end up on stage alongside DJ SANA.)
KILGA: Uh, look, you've got the wrong guy here. I don't si-
SANA: Calm down, man! Look, I'll give you guys a breather. No Black Anothers, and the words are right down there.
KILGA: That's not what I-
(SANA produces a pair of microphones from his waist, whipping them out in front of the two singers. RURO visibly flinches before taking hers, while KILGA finally gives up on arguing and takes the microphone. SANA steps back to begin the music.)
RURO: You don't wanna be here either, I assume?
KILGA: Well, y'know how it goes. Pushy friends.
(KILGA takes a moment to look at RURO's skirt, reminding him of a certain moon rabbit. He quickly looks away when he notices the music is beginning.)
KILGA: You know he's going to make it something mushy and romantic.
RURO: Well, it could be worse. It could be one of those unintelligible Beatmania songs the DJ seems to lo-
(
Gold Rush begins to play in the background.)
KILGA: ...You had to say it.
RURO: Shut up.
[OOOH YAY COME ON!]
KILGA: OK, I'm not doing this any more. I quit.
RURO: We can't really jump off the stage, though...
[I'M MICHAEL IN A BOAT!]
KILGA: If this gets any dumber, I swear I am punching out the DJ.
RURO: Mind if I join in?
[LET'S DO THE MENU MAKING OUT ME!]
KILGA: (smirks) I thought you were a bookworm.
RURO: (grins) I got kinda bored with the whole distressed damsel clich?.
[ARE YOU READY?!]
KILGA and RURO: (in unison) This is gonna suck.
[TWO DEE ECKS GOOOOOOOOOOOOLD]
KILGA: [Make it, make money!]
RURO: [Lemme take you on the night tonight] (looks confused)
KILGA: [Make it, make money!]
RURO: [Make it time to turn an amplify...?]
KILGA: [Make it, make money!]
RURO: [Are you mashing to the magic door...?!]
KILGA: [Make it, make money!]
RURO: [Yeah, let's do all the-] (spoken) What does this even say?!
[Make it, make money!]
KILGA: [Are you dancing on the Robin Hood] (flinches)
RURO: [Make it, make money!]
KILGA: [Any nightmare on the bygone way?]
RURO: [Make it, make money!]
KILGA: [Out of end is getting out of my head??]
RURO: [Make it, make money!]
KILGA: [YEAH, YEAH, AND COME WITH ME AMIR!]
(The two singers look at each other, both looking utterly confused as they look down at the apparent lyrics of the song. SANA takes over the singing while they speak.)
KILGA: This is stupid.
RURO: Agreed.
[YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WAKE UP?]
KILGA: Is this song even in English?
[SARS STYLE.]
RURO: I...think so?
[SUB SCREAM.]
KILGA: Did he write these himself?
[SEKKA STYLE.]
RURO: I don't think even he knows what the words are.
(For a while, RURO and KILGA stop talking. They glance at the crowds around them, who are mainly taking pictures and recordings to upload anonymously on Youtube. Fortunately, no-one who knows them is watching.)
[SAD STYLE.]
[POOR STYLE.]
[FISH STYLE.]
KILGA: We made a deal, didn't we?
[SICKS STYLE.]
RURO: I call dibs on the legs.
[SEBBIN STYLE.]
KILGA: What?
RURO: Hey, he won't be needing those pants.
[ATE STYLE.]
RURO: Also, I want the hat.
[KNIGHT'S TILE.]
KILGA: Damn, I wanted that.
[TENT'S TIE!]
RURO: Split it?
[TUNIC'S RED!]
KILGA: I get the ribbon?
[HAPPY'S GUY!]
RURO: Fine.
KILGA: Deal.
[DISTORT IT!]
(Both singers turn and charge at DJ SANA.)
SANA: [TWO DEE ECKS GOOOOO-]Hey, what are you doing?! Song failed! SONG FAILED!
(The crowd goes wild in approval. Apparently, no-one in there liked Beatmania either. The song finishes in the background as RURO and KILGA take turns beating up the DJ.)
SANA: (Sounding desperate as RURO gets ready to kick at his crotch) [THAT'S MY TWINKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE-]
(The sound of a kick is made, along with a tiny squeal from Sana. Cut immediately to RURO and KILGA outside of the club, amidst the snow.)
KILGA: Y'know, you kick pretty hard. The doctor said that he won't be having children for the next three years with a wound like that.
RURO: So, basically, I haven't done any important damage.
KILGA: (chuckles) And a wit, too! You really are something, huh.
RURO: Um...thanks, I guess.
(There is a brief moment of silence. Both of them seem nervous, wanting to speak but unable to find the words. Both of them seem impressed by each other.)
KILGA: So. Uh. It was nice meeting you, I guess.
RURO: Yeah, right. It's a shame we'll never see each other again.
KILGA: Yeah, a real shame. We could've been good friends.
(The pair walk away. In the distance, someone begins to play a tragic violin piece straight from Romeo and Juliet. The lights fade away, until we return to EAST HIGH, where KILGA is now talking with another friend, CARTHRAT.)
CARTH: So, you do anything interesting over Christmas?
KILGA: Oh, nothing much. Met some people, did some crazy stuff. Not like any of it is gonna really matter-
(KILGA sees RURO being led along the corridor by NOBU, and promptly facepalms.)
CARTH: (Puzzled) Kilga? What's wrong?
KILGA: Nothing. I just really, really hate dramatic coincidence.
(END SCENE)
