Author Topic: That's your Touhouroscope for today  (Read 9540 times)

Reddyne

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  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #60 on: October 19, 2013, 07:24:50 PM »
I'll get to all of them eventually. My boss left for another state yesterday and neglected to leave me anything to do for an entire week.
1. Ran
2. Byakuren
3. Ichirin
4. Mystia
5. Kanako
6. Keine
7. Kagerou
8. Sunnymilk
9. Kogasa
10. Marisa
a
Future: Being all love and peace and all is pretty swag, but it sounds boring on a resume and you'll want to let your wild side run rampant on society's most deserving chumps: Supervillains. You'll report your archnemesis to the ASPCA and adopt the puppy he was about to turn into a mutant attack wolf as your own pet. You'll populated the surface of a giant solar panel that powers a death beam with cats. Even Mister Sinister's
Spoiler:
(dangit, that name's already taken)
weather control machine will be thwarted by your 25 square kilometer umbrella. You'll even steal the cookies from a villain's bake sale and donate them to an orphanage. Every last stock supervillain will spare you from their curses because they cower in fear at the thought of drawing your attention. Salted lands and scorched earth will never exist, instead becoming picturesque landscapes and towns that would make Norman Rockwell and Ghibli animators vomit pure unadulterated happiness. Future dictatorships will crumble and be converted to cookie factories before they are even realized. Total death count of your madness: 0. Lives ruined: 0. No one will every really know who you are, but that's OK with you. Well, you'll be known as that person who farts rainbows...
 
Death: During your sleep at 92. You've already accomplished much by that age anyhow.
 
Last Words: From John Wesley, "Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, to all the souls you can, in every place that you can, at all the times you can, with all the zeal you can, as long as you ever can."
 
Number: 108
 
Color: White
 
1. Meiling
2. other touhous ???
There are other touhous???
 
Future: Life to you might as well begin with your first steady job guarding a grand mansion next to a lake. The boss... SEEMED nice enough at first. She took you in after all, right? But even then, the days are largely forgettable. You are, however, permitted enough time inside to gain a new friend in the library (who won't follow up with your exercise program, but that's OK) and even dote upon the boss's kid sister. Not only that, the new head maid is all the things you wish to improve about yourself, and she's quite the looker too. However, a day comes where you fail to do your job, and the hours and punishment for failure become worse. Not to mention, as much as you believe that the two of you make an ideal pair, the head maid only has eyes for that parasitic boss of yours. With the work getting even rougher, your best friends permanently cloistered in a musty old building and who you think could be the love of your life never leaving the side of your greatest antagonist, you have an epiphany. You leave your dear friends some trinkets to remember you by, and spend the rest of your hard-earned money on a tanning booth for your former boss. With only bad memories ahead at the one place you felt you once belonged to, you travel to the only place where you will truly belong.

There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes.
GOOD END

Death: You attain liberation from samsara about 300 years from now alongside friends after becoming a bodhisattva.

Last Words: "You only lose what you cling to."

Number: Noble 8.
 
Color: Red, but not scarlet

This could be interesting.....
1. Youmu
2. Nitori
3. Reisen
4. Cirno
5. Eirin
6. Iku
7. Kogasa
8. Satori
9. Koishi
10. Aya
Wuff. Some of y'all are not making it easy to find the common thread here. It's even harder to make them comedic, but that's not a necessity I guess.
 
Future: A fascination with everything that goes VOOM will lead you from motorcycles to cars, and eventually, jets. After a 53 successful flight missions, you'll start work on the things and will quickly discover the inherent hilarity in stuffing any object in a jet engine and seeing what comes out the other side. Not to mention placing miniature engines in amusing places like on the coffee machine. Or your noisy colleague's locker. Or your boss's private toilet. Your antics don't go unnoticed, especially after you knock the building of one of your smaller workplaces off its foundation, and you are shipped to NASA in a box blindfolded with your hands bound and your mouth stuffed with packing peanuts. Your talents are then put to work on rockets and you eventually reach the ISS, where you short-circuit some equipment after some Tang gets on the equipment and you decide licking it off would be a sharp idea.

Death: Crying yourself to death with cancer? No. That's for two-bit hacks. You are the first person to rig a Cadillac with enough rockets to escape earth's orbit. Final transmission comes on your 72nd birthday.

Last Words: "This is Major Tom to ground control. I've left forevermore. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very beautiful today."

Number: 11.2 km/s

Color: Blue
« Last Edit: October 19, 2013, 08:30:09 PM by Reddyne »

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

qMyon

  • Chill - just chill
  • Keepin' it vanilla smooth
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #61 on: October 20, 2013, 12:54:08 AM »
Wuff. Some of y'all are not making it easy to find the common thread here. It's even harder to make them comedic, but that's not a necessity I guess.
 
Future: A fascination with everything that goes VOOM will lead you from motorcycles to cars, and eventually, jets. After a 53 successful flight missions, you'll start work on the things and will quickly discover the inherent hilarity in stuffing any object in a jet engine and seeing what comes out the other side. Not to mention placing miniature engines in amusing places like on the coffee machine. Or your noisy colleague's locker. Or your boss's private toilet. Your antics don't go unnoticed, especially after you knock the building of one of your smaller workplaces off its foundation, and you are shipped to NASA in a box blindfolded with your hands bound and your mouth stuffed with packing peanuts. Your talents are then put to work on rockets and you eventually reach the ISS, where you short-circuit some equipment after some Tang gets on the equipment and you decide licking it off would be a sharp idea.

Death: Crying yourself to death with cancer? No. That's for two-bit hacks. You are the first person to rig a Cadillac with enough rockets to escape earth's orbit. Final transmission comes on your 72nd birthday.

Last Words: "This is Major Tom to ground control. I've left forevermore. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very beautiful today."

Number: 11.2 km/s

Color: Blue

Wahaha! This is absolutely awesome! Nice work!

LadyScarlet

  • Too lazy to make this a gif right now
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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #62 on: October 20, 2013, 01:49:19 AM »
1. Flandre Scarlet
2. Remilia Scarlet
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Aya Shameimaru
5. Alice Margatroid
6. Youmu Konpaku
7. Hong Meiling
8. Yukari Yakumo
9. Reisen Udongein Inaba
10. Satori Komeiji

Wisdom please.
My Youtube Channel. I mostly upload Hisoutensoku videos.

KaiserKnuckle

  • You better stop,
  • and think about what you're doing
    • Music interests and whatnot
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #63 on: October 20, 2013, 03:59:51 AM »
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░

Zengar Zombolt

  • Space-Time Tuning Circle - Wd/Fr
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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #64 on: October 21, 2013, 12:35:50 PM »
Let us go, son of man.
1. Gengetsu
2. Yumemi Okazaki
3. Byakuren Hijiri
4. Shinki
5. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
6. Utsuho Reiuji
7. Rumia
8. Kana Anaberal
9. Yumeko
10. Yuuka Kazami

draganuv15

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #65 on: October 21, 2013, 02:14:56 PM »
1. Kaguya
2. Eirin
3. Keine
4. Byakuren
5. Benben
6. Reimu
7. Reisen
8. Kokoro
9. Sekibanki
10. Wriggle

I'm so not ready for this but bring it.

NekoNekoRex

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Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #66 on: October 21, 2013, 03:34:16 PM »
Quote
and spend the rest of your hard-earned money on a tanning booth for your former boss.
hah
Kilga is this right; like is this person seriously the player, and it's not some alias or something that's designed to be deliberately obfuscating? NekoNekoRex. Who the hell is that :C   ~Poya Aaaa (Serela), Bunny Must Die Mafia

KuroArashi100

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #67 on: October 21, 2013, 06:45:44 PM »
1. Koishi Komeiji
2. Nitori Kawashiro
3. Suwako Moriya
4. Nazrin
5. Yuuka Kazami
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Toyosatomimi no Miko
8. Fujiwara no Mokou
9. Suika Ibuki
10. Shinmyoumaru Sukuna

Let's see what the future will bring.

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #68 on: October 21, 2013, 07:19:51 PM »
Here we go
Chiyuri
Yumemi
Eiki
Rika
Reimu
Ellen
Kotohime
Mima
Kana
Komachi
I guess
How did you send this out, anyway? Did your granddaughter submit it? Anyway, THEME TUNE ACTIVATE!
 
Future: Some time after returning from the war, you started work as the reel operator at a petting pantry downtown. You were real stuck on the Sheba minding the till, but that falls through after a night on the town reveals her to be a heeler at the hop and a real Mrs. Grundy to boot. One fine morning, you and Obadiah Finklepot, a real swell pal of yours, went to a local drug store for a simply ducky phosphate when it occured to you that you could trick the sap at the junkyard to sell you parts from old flivvers that you'd repair and sell. After all, you two knew your onions when it came to automobiles. You bought enough parts to make an automobile for a mere 15 clams a pop. Net profit when sold to the unwitting pushovers who make up your customers: 85 simoleans. Now you had it made.  Why, you thought that plan was the cat's pyjamas! Unfortunately, the local constabulary hears of your shenanigans through the grapevine, and you're eventually pinched at the local five and dime while zozzled up on more hooch than a whole speakeasy full of blottos! As the new fish in the slammer, you worked for the chain gang day in and day out until your dogs were killing you. Once released back to society, you were employed for the rest of your days driving a real spiffy jitney in the city.

Death: You've been dead for years from a combination of typhoid fever and your jaw falling off from all the radium water you thought was helping to treat it. Death came at the ripe old age of 49.

Last Words: From your last message sent to your Jane (whose name is Gertrude): IM DOWN TO MY LAST HAIR OF THE DOG STOP GET ME SOME SKEE AT MCCAFFREYS JOINT YOU GOLD DIGGER STOP

Number: Any negative number

Color: Sepia
 
0. Muse
1. Yuuka Kazami.
2. Suika Ibuki.
3. Reimu Hakurei.
4. Byakuren Hijiri.
5. Yumemi Okazaki.
6. Chiyuri Kitashirakawa.
7. Mima.
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou.
9. Ayayaya Shameimaru.
10. Remilia Scarlet.
I have a terrible taste in characters,  so I await a terrible destiny.
Incorrect. You have fair tastes by which I mean I've invested enough time with a number of these characters and can write about them.

Future: You don't give a shit 'bout no one. Yeah. You're a loner and a drunk and you don't give a damn about nothin' else 'cept you 'cuz all you got is yourself and one mean set o' wheels. Built 'er yourself. She's got the muscle and the class to outdo every other car on the road. That baby's treated you real nice. But still not as nice as your girl. She never wanted your wheels or even your booze. She jus' wanted you. And you know what? She's in trouble. Your baby went an' crossed the wrong crowd an' now your baby owes a whole lotta money to the wrong people. You gonna sit on your ass an' let 'er take the heat? Nah. But you don't drive for money no more, right? No more victory laps 'round the race track for you or getaway drives from the cops? Well son, you got one last grand plan in that schemin' head of yours. You set up the local gang to rob a mafia stronghold, drive the escape vehicle and offer to launder the money. So what if half of them don't make it out? But you don't hold up your side of the bargain. You pay off your girl's debt to the mob with their own money and keep the rest to yourself for more Jack and your own body shop. Soon, both the gang and the mob are on your asses, but you got your wheels. An' they don't stand a chance. 200 kliks, 8 wrecks, 12 cop cars, 7 hairpin turns at 150 kilometers per hour, 8000 rpm, and the first recorded instance of someone drifting on a guard rail later, you're gone. Long gone. Ain't nothin' but you, the two who are closest to your heart, and the open road left now.

Death: Still driving for fun, you'll crash headlong into a wall at 62. At least you died doing what you loved.

Last Words: The accident will leave you with an entire v8 engine in your larynx. Whatever it was that you were trying to choke out, you sounded VERY fast doing it.

Number: 3

Color: White and black checkerboard
 
1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Byakuren Hijiri
3. Yuuka Kazami
4. Tewi Inaba
5. Mima
6. Lyrica Prismriver
7. Alice Margatroid
8. Yumeko
9. Eiki-samaaaaaa~
10. Toyosatomimi no Miko
2hu f'tagn
Future: Fueled by revenge, but powered by sheer RIGHTEOUSNESS, yours is the story of a tortured soul ready to be the night itself!  ...Or at least you would if you had any talent for the superhero stuff. You don't. Your first attempt to mimic the Human Torch lands you in the hospital for several months and you lose your burning permit. After some 3 years of working on it, your utility belt only features a pair of toenail clippers, your old college ID, and your inhaler. Not only can you not be a superhero on your own, you also botch the sidekick entrance exam when you're caught using chum as the main ingredient in your shark repellant spray. Hell, you can't even make it with the Avengers for cryin' out loud. You know they have a guy who's considered a superhero simply because he has a bow and some arrows? All in all, your biggest claims to fame are having a bank robber trip over you during a big heist and getting a senile old woman arrested for walking out of the store without paying for her meds. Too bad she doesn't even remember how she wound up in the store, let alone why she went there. Metropolis doesn't need any help, and the city of Gotham puts out a restraining order on you after your are caught attempting to break into the batmobile. Heck, even New Yorkers are fine with Spiderman around. They don't even want someone to take care of the rats on the subway. Nope! The only place you can land a gig is in Omaha, Nebraska. The city of fly-overs. Someone needs to protect phone operators somewhere.

Death: You attempt to train your protege in your high-flying antics. However, things go awry with your grappling hook and you eat the pavement 8 stories below. Your incompetent sidekick, taking your pathetic demonstration a little too seriously, follows suit. After a brief stint as Flatman and Ribbon, both of you succumb to your injuries. You at 38, he at 15. Questions regarding your relationship the boy will far outlast your deeds as a superhero.

Last Words: "This puree tastes like... JUSTICE!"

Number: 0

Color: Midnight blue
« Last Edit: October 21, 2013, 09:05:31 PM by Reddyne »

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Aba Matindesu!

  • keep it gwiyoming
  • DASEU RAESISSEU
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #69 on: October 21, 2013, 11:49:39 PM »
<snip>

this speaks to me on a spiritual level

i love it


teets mi hao 2 2hu teets mi teets mi hao 2 2hu

Validon98

  • Deathguard Night Sparrow
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  • Harbingers, yo.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #70 on: October 22, 2013, 01:23:17 AM »
And my Touhousorter results arrrrrrre...

1- Nue Houjuu
2- Koishi Komeiji
3- Byakuren Hijiri
4- Kogasa Tatara
5- Hata no Kokoro
6- Seija Kijin
7- Kasen Ibaraki
8- Kana Anaberal
9- Shinki
10- Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)

Yup. ^^;
Derping at Touhou since June 2012, derping at RPing Touhou since Feburary 2013.

Devil of Decline Partial English Gameplay Patch!
Let's Play Nightmare of Rebellion!

Nobu

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  • i post while naked
    • My Tumblr
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #71 on: October 22, 2013, 02:21:15 AM »
Wow, these are amazing.


1. Suwako Moriya
2. Nazrin
3. Nitori Kawashiro
4. Koishi Komeiji
5. Flandre Scarlet
6. Reimu Hakurei
7. Yumemi Okazaki
8. Cirno
9. Sukuna Shinmyoumaru
10. Satori Komeiji
Tumblr (sometimes NSFW) | PM for Facebook

Shio Yamote

  • Like a Miko
  • OMG! Clipdeaths!
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #72 on: October 22, 2013, 07:33:52 AM »
1. Marisa Kirisame
2. Reimu Hakurei
3. Youmu Konpaku
4. Yukari Yakumo
5. Remilia Scarlet
6. Cirno
7. Sakuya Izayoi
8. Alice Margatroid
9. Fujiwara no Mokou
10. Byakuren Hijiri

What does the future holds for me?
1cc's:
Normal: All
Hard: PCB, IN, TD
Lunatic: IN
Extras: EoSD, PCB Extra+Phantasm, IN, MoF, SA, UFO, TD

Mr Jovial

  • Commander of the Whale Legion
  • *
  • ~Having a whale of a time~
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #73 on: October 22, 2013, 11:03:28 AM »
Decided to use Touhou sort. 426 battles and all my nope later I got results :V

  • Yumemi Okazaki
  • Marisa Kirisame (PC-98 version to be precise)
  • Toyosatomimi no Miko
  • Kotohime Chiyuri Kitashirakawa
  • Hina Kagiyama
  • Nue Houjuu
  • Byakuren Hijiri
  • Satori Komeiji
  • Nitori Kawashiro
  • Koishi Komeiji

Wath priz awayt me?

EDIT: Booted Kotohime out for being a pain to fight.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2013, 10:12:45 AM by Mr Jovial »

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #74 on: October 22, 2013, 11:40:29 AM »
Fool, I choose my own fate!

...but it wouldn't hurt to check, right?

1. Reimu
2. Renko
3. Kosuzu
4. Kokoro
5. Sakuya
6. Marisa
7. Youmu
8. Akyuu
9. Rinnosuke
10. Raiko

Seppo Hovi

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #75 on: October 22, 2013, 03:59:37 PM »
This looks silly.

1. Youmu
2. Mokou
3. Keine
4. Yamame
5. Akyu
6. Genji
7. Yukari
8. Mystia
9. Iku
10. Sizuha

Honorary mention for Daiyousei.

Based completely on how I find their outfits and personalities (and mostly the former of these two), if I went by gameplay aspects it would've taken too long and some characters would've been an unfair advantage for having simply more material to go with (latter bosses compared to stage one bosses, TD compared to PCB, et cetera).

Darkness1

  • Nothing to see here.
  • Enigmatic, isn't it?
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #76 on: October 22, 2013, 04:53:15 PM »
Number: 3

Color: White and black checkerboard
Way too accurate. I'm feeling slightly itchy now.
What is your secret?

These stories are enjoyable nonetheless :P

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #77 on: October 22, 2013, 09:39:27 PM »
Oh goodie. I can break up Tirade's and Validon's into something more interesting.
1) Satori Komeiji, Patchouli Knowledge
3) Tenshi Hinanawi
4) Kogasa Tatara
5) Mystia Lorelei
6) Reimu Hakurei
7) Rin Kaenbyou (oh how far you've come, somehow)
8) Hata no Kokoro
9) Koakuma
10) Kyouko Kasodani
Future: Oh, RDJ the Wise. Your are all-knowing. It will not be long before such intelligence is noticed by a royal family and you are given the noble task of tutoring the next in line for the throne. How wasted it is on a princess who needs summer courses to help her get through Hop on Pop before she hits 15. You'd be close to the girl, but her mouth is perpetually busy screaming at people and has begun to attract flies. Her stupidity and volume has even scared off her kid sister, who you'd much rather be schooling because all you need to do with her is think of a book and she'll have read it, understood it, and written a dissertation on the subjects explored in it. But alas, you have been cursed to endure the ramblings of a girl whose body matured but whose word hole hit the age of an insufferable insatiable infant and then ran that into the ground like a MiG jet in a nose dive. You find some solace in getting pets for her to play with because they sure don't understand spoken language, though many run away simply because the girl is capable of screaming at 130 decibels. A stroke of luck lands you a deaf dog who seems to be immediately endeared to the girl, and the girl to him. However, he's only endeared to the stench wafting from your lady's perpetually open mouth. The dog then bites your princess's outstretched tongue. With the princess paralyzed with shock, the two remain locked together long enough for her kid sister to bear witness to the event, and out of panic and out of confusion reports her sister "snogging the dog" to every last soul within earshot. While still unable to divorce herself from the pooch, the princess condemns your actions. The one person whom you had spent the last 20 years grooming for the crown sends you to the Island of Extreme Pain for your demise.
 
Death: However, it turns out that a shrubbery was blocking part of the sign that said "Welcome to the Island of Extreme Painting!" It's an artisan's tropical paradise, and you take up your new hobbies like a champ. You enjoy another 30 years on the island before dying of a case of scurvy at 88 simply because you were so damn sick of eating fruit.
 
Last Words: While praising the works of your friends and loved ones, you die in agony while condemning all things citrus-y.
 
Number: 6.022*10^23
 
Color: Deep blue
Alright, why don't have a go at this? (Note that there is no order here)
1. Chen
2.  Kogasa Tatara
3. Tokiko
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Wakasagihime
6. Sekibanki
7. Satori Komeiji
8. Rin Kaenbyou
9. Hata no Kokoro
10. Kyouko Kasodani
Future: Oh, you mischievous scamp, you! Late one Halloween night, you sneak a fake head into the driver's seat of your neighbor's craptacular seafoam green 1994 Ford Taurus. Unfortunately, he's got a lit cigar in his craw and the shock causes him to drop it in his yard. It's fall, and the leaves in his yard soon catch fire. He reaches for the only thing he thinks he can smother it with: An umbrella in the back seat. However, this proves wildly ineffective, and pretty soon the guy is sprinting down the street, still clutching to the umbrella. The sight of a man running down the street holding onto a flaming object causes a kitten to panic and flee, scampering into her owner's house. The owner happens to be a little old lady, who attempts to get out of her rocking chair when she sees the kitten plow through the cat door. The base of the rocking chair then smunches the tail of the kitten's already excited mother, causing the cat to go screaming out the same way from which the kitten came. The cat rockets out of the house in a screeching, panicky clamor straight at an ibis which had parked itself at the lake across the street. The ibis flies away from the poor cat, landing in what it thought was a safe stream at the other end of town. Hungry from its exhaustion, the ibis goes in search of a big catch in the local waters, only to find out that the stream leads to the town dam. She catches her quarry just before getting sucked into the turbines at the base of the dam. Miraculously surviving the dam's inner workings, the ibis and fish shoot out of the turbines and into the face of dam's operator, who, now wearing the two like some bizarre form of headgear, inadvertantly smashes a control panel in an attempt to break her fall. This causes the entire workings of the dam to experience a voltage spike, which includes the speakers at, ironically enough, an AC/DC concert. The spike causes the speakers to blow out, creating a shockwave that levels half the town. WATCH ME EXPLOOOOOOODE indeed.
 
Death:  Aware of the results of the first half of your mischief, you will try to hide in plain sight at the concert. When the police at the concert start getting a bit chatty on their walkie-talkies, you will try to hide behind one of the speakers when the spike hits. Strangely enough, the shockwave is enough to hurtle you through the air, landing you at the foot of the now hearing-impaired police. The blow does you in at the age of 14.
 
Last Words: Enough curse words that your mother would kill you simply because you would choke on the number of bars of soap needed to clean your potty mouth, mister!
 
Number: Pi. After all, what goes around comes around.
 
Color: Turquoise
1. Youmu
2. Marisa
3. Alice
4. Nue
5. Patchouli
6. Yuyuko
7. Reimu
8. Satori
9. Cirno
10. Luna
The only ones that are really solid are the first five.
Tirade gets a bit of a special one, but I had to cut down on the content. A short time from now in a galaxy very, very close by...
Looks fun, so I'll give this a shot.
1. Tenshi Hinanawi
2. Koakuma
3. Reisen Udongein Inaba
4. Rin Kaenbyou
5. Keine Kamishirasawa
6. Sekibanki
7. Hata no Kokoro
8. Kagerou Imaizumi
9. Kaguya Houraisan
10. Koishi Komeiji
I think you get the reward for having the most K's in your list.

Future: After a wildly successful start to your career in the medical field, you find yourself a bit bored with fighting over grants and performing abdominal surgeries on really fat guys. Hence, you set out to pull a Dr. Frankenstein with your Renfieldian best friend as your underling. Well, she'd look like Renfield if she didn't look so hot in that tight blouse and vest combo and the short pencil skirt that did nothing to hide her shapely, thigh-high stocking clad legs that never ended, not to mention her flowing long hair and huge b-uh, brain... ANYWAY, her posture isn't that great so it counts. I think? The two of you set forth, robbing graves for the right parts, eventually constructing a fearsome monster, which you reanimate with a bolt of lightning in the castle you rented just for this purpose. However, you didn't quite put the bolts in the monster's neck just right, and the thing's head falls off. You're left with a lumbering, headless beast, and the two of you are back out the next night looking for a fresh head. The first one you find looks like it belonged to a guido, and the second has a voice that sounds like it took a shot to the nether regions. Eventually, the two of you tour the country for your monster's head. You eventually settle on putting Don Knotts' head on the creature.  However, he's perpetually stuck in Barney Fife mode, and nervously and incompetently meanders about L.A. His antics are endearing, however, as are his silly expressions and goofy laugh, and the two of you return home with your monster.
 
Death: You get married to your reanimated sweetheart and live out the rest of your days together until you die at the age of 78 in relative comfort. Luckily, the matter of children never comes up. The monster gets bored after being alone for a bit and your former underling won't return its phone calls in which it simply breathes heavily and moanes into the receiver. In the end, it simply clambers into an open grave for a sleep. Unfortunately, this happens during a funeral.
 
Last Words: "I never would've thought that a giant monstrosity incapable of restraint would make such a great chiropractor!"
 
Number: 1818
 
Color: Pallid green

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Fetch()tirade

  • serial time-waster
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #78 on: October 23, 2013, 12:05:10 AM »
Tirade gets a bit of a special one, but I had to cut down on the content. A short time from now in a galaxy very, very close by...
:teaspit:

Kasu

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  • This soup has an explosive flavour!
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #79 on: October 23, 2013, 01:03:47 AM »
Ahahah, that was amazing as I'd hoped it'd be!

I think you get the reward for having the most K's in your list.
Oh man I didn't even notice that.

Apparently, Thomas the Tank Engine isn't one to take crap from anyone.

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #80 on: October 23, 2013, 06:56:03 PM »
I'm having more fun writing Alcor's than I should.
1. Kaku Seiga
2. Toyosatomimi no Miko
3. Tatara Kogasa
4. Mononobe no Futo
5. Komeiji Satori
6. Hijiri Byakuren
7. Watatsuki no Toyohime
8. Futatsuiwa Mamizou
9. Miyako Yoshika
10. Mai
Oh dear. No happy endings here.
 
Future: Congrats, hot shot! You earned your spot as the CEO for MegalomaniaCorp. as it is referred to by just about everyone who's not employed there, through a series of nepotism, arson, blind luck, and more nepotism. So what do you do when you have your hand in nearly every type of business the world over, as well as more than you fair share of cookie jars? Why, take more, of course! On the surface you play dumb and even sweet, and your lack of presence (initially) gives you all the more power to abuse. A combination of insight and foresight serve you quite well, and your conglomeration starts assimillating competitors - even formidable ones - left and right. Your compensation is jacked up and you start to make a push to cut employee pay in order to have more funds to expand your business even further. Your legion of well-paid and well-fed lawyers helps delay or dismiss any legal action against you. Even in extreme cases, your company has more money than God, so when it comes to anti-trust laws, fines are simply paid away and its easy enough to blame things on your underlings should it come down to jail time when the bribes don't work. The abuses add up, and you face huge public opposition for the way you treat... everyone, really. The strikebreakers you employ would make the Pinkertons blush, and then you treat them without respect, either. This quickly boils down to the people who will lick your boots and the throngs that won't, and hell breaks loose. Your mistreated employees suddenly rebel at numerous key facilities in force. You then retreat to your estate, hoping to sit it out.  In the middle of a cold winter night, a detachment from one of the groups of people whom you thought was loyal to you breaks in and sets the place ablaze in the dead of a cold winter night.
 
Death: The one good thing that comes from the fall is your lack of resistance to it. Awash with guilt, you will simply walk out of your home and let winter's cold claim you at 61.
 
Last Words: You won't really have much to say. The last time you speak to much of anyone will be dismissing your secretary and your chauffer, both of whom seem indifferent to the disasters taking place.
 
Number: Any number greater than 1. After all, the only thing you were left with was 0.
 
Color: Grey
 
Contritium praecedit superbia. Pax melior est quam iustissimum bellum. Non nobis solum nati sumus. In nullum avarus bonus est, in se pessimus. Salus populi suprema lex esto. An nescis, mi fili, quantilla prudentia mundus regatur?
 
1. Keine
2. Mystia
3. Alice
4. Toyosatomimi
5. Merlin
6. Patchouli
7. Yukari
8. Parsee
9. Marisa
10. Unzan

Future: Settling in as the school's music teacher was supposed to be easy enough, but you got the wrong school. Third period is filled with enough sociopaths, schizophrenics, and serial killers to fill a prison psych ward. Attendance is also lacking. Probably because the few decent students in the class were smart enough to refuse to come. Or they were eaten by the other students. The typical class routine involves taking attendance, getting in some singing before the girl trying to sleep in the back has a night terror, attempting to teach the students in non-malevolent ways to use musical instruments, trying to prevent open rebellion, and then hiding under your desk waiting for the bell to ring before bringing in the janitor to sweep away all the broken glass. You try the hip teacher act once before one of them lodges a pair of castanets in his ear in such a fashion that he thinks that someone is doing a flamenco dance every time he moves his head. Others refuse instruments because they want to attempt to play two tubas simultaneously, or because they believe the cabasas you have are haunted and condemn them to eternal damnation before trying to escape by a ventilation duct that's about 5 sizes too small for them to escape through. The last day in that job is parent-teacher conference night. You realize that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and you are now overlooking a crowd filled with the adult versions of all the little psychos that you attempt to keep busy for a 55 minute block each day. You're chased out by a bunch of angry parents wielding recorders and trumpets like they were the angry fist of God.
 
Death: You fulfill your life's secret dream by meeting Macho Man Randy Savage. He's unusually buff for someone who's been out of the spotlight for so long, and your attempt to give him the biggest bear hug you can manage is fully reciprocated. The local hospital declares you deceased at the age of 49. The good news is that you took 20 inches off your waistline!
 
Last Words: Leaving this earth with a high-pitched "Yaaaaaay~!" is not the worst way to go out. Pancho Villa's "tell them I said something" out of context beats out yours.
 
Number: 4/4 time.
 
Color: Green
 
Truly my destiny and future are nothing but red
1. Fujiwara no Mokou
2. Satori Komeiji
3. Hata no Kokoro
4. Remilla Scarlet
5. Hidea no Akyuu
6. Nue !@#!@$!@$!#!@#!@#
7. Marisa Kirisame
8. Yuyuko Dreamcaskuji
9. Mystia Lolilei
10. Reisen Udongein Inaba

Future: You live a life of nominal importance until you attend a rock concert in which you headbang so hard that the blow to your melon puts you into a coma for 3 weeks. You awaken to find yourself with no recollection of who you are, but you seem to be gifted with a fantastic intelligence. The boost proves to be a boon almost immediately, as you graduate from the Univesity of Oxford with a flawless record in pre-med. However, you slowly realize that your intelligence has only risen by so much, and research it enough to whack your head in just the right manner to increase your intelligence once again after a prolonged hospital stay. Eventually, this gift of yours becomes the subject of your doctoral thesis. You recruit hundreds of volunteers (and some uh.. INvolunteers) to be bludgeoned across the head in certain ways with a variety of different objects. With your experimentations finished, you write your thesis, entitled "The Significance of Frozen Sturgeon-based Blunt Force Trauma to the Frontal Lobe and its Correlation with Angiogenesis and Subsequent Neurogeneration and Increased Neuron Activity in the Central Nervous System." Your studies are a hit (no pun intended) and before long, you have a medical doctorate and go on the air demonstrating  how whacking someone across the face with a fish is best for their well-being. Attempting to break through the realm of normal human mental capacity, you attempt this feat a third time, only to find that the two previous blows to your head have thrown off your coordination. The sickening crunch that follows serves as the harbinger of the rest of your life as an individual who couldn't beat an asparagus at a game of Scrabble. You'll be lucky to get away with a win during games of Don't-Lick-That now. You still retire in luxury, forever wondering when the birds and stars floating around your head will shut up.
 
Death: You keep attempting to replicate your previous success with head trauma until it proves too much. This still comes when you're 81 and starting to succumb to dementia anyhow.
 
Last Words: You recite the amino acids present in insulin in alphabetical order before declaring your love for applesauce.
 
Number: The natural log of 85.
 
Color: Clear. You have an episode where you forget to put your clothes on for the day. When questioned by the local police, you tell them that's what color your clothes are. They let you go out of pity. It only works the first few times, though.
 
1. Parsee
2. Iku
3. Seiga
4. Renko
5. Shikieiki
6. Tenshi
7. Miko
8. Keine
9. Alice
10. Sakuya

Future:  You're one cool cat. You know that, The clubs know that. But Hollywood never did. You and your hip moves got passed up for that chump Travolta. That square of a director passed you up 'cuz you knew how to stomp in a most totatlly tubular fashion all while clad in the tightest threads since the Bee Gees sang three octaves higher than your average male. Well pretty soon that turkey's gonna be singin' a different tune. So you go cruisin' downtown in your groovy set of wheels (a '49 Mercury Coupe) to set him straight. If he can't dig you bustin' a move, you'll be bustin' his lip, capiche? Without so much as a knock on his door, you're up in that goof's face. "How come I never got the part, man? I can boogie better than Johnny can any day." Then reality hits you in just the wrong way, like a Pinto hitting... anything, really. "You never auditioned for the role of Tony, son" says the totally bogus director. "You tried to pass yourself off as Stephanie despite your beard. We even kicked you outta here because you came to the audition with a cardboard cutout of John with your lipstick smeared all over its face. Not to mention, it's 2017. We shot Saturday Night Fever like 40 years ago." "You ain't so awesome possum. What's Johnny done with his career since then? He still as funkadelic fresh as I am? Didn't think so." Seconds later, you are dragged out of the building with blood running down your nose. Several days later, you find yourself in jail for tresspassing and aggravated assault. But it don't matter none, 'cuz you still got the fever. Ya dig it, brothaman?
 
Death: You're cuttin' rugs from New York to L.A. until you're 91. You attempt to break dance one more time. You both dance and break.
 
Last Words: "Disco ain't dead, you square!"
 
Number: The 1970's
 
Color: Tacky colors that never really went with anything. Your friends and relatives will want to scrub their eyes clean after each visit to your house.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

Phlegeth

  • DPS LFG
  • Time expired: 121:45
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #81 on: October 23, 2013, 08:21:04 PM »
1.  Marisa Kirisame
2.  Watatsuki no Yorihime
3.  Yuuka Kazami
4.  Kasen Ibaraki
5.  Yuugi Hoshiguma
6.  Rumia
7.  Sekibanki
8.  Hong Meiling
9.  Seiga Kaku
10.  Tewi Inaba

Zil

Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #82 on: October 24, 2013, 06:39:16 AM »
How did you send this out, anyway? Did your granddaughter submit it?
You caught me. I'm secretly a cute 7 year old granddaughter~ <3

Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #83 on: October 24, 2013, 06:30:20 PM »
I'm gettng these done exclusively at work. The only reason I don't get more done more frequently is because I'm being given other people's work. My job is terrible. Seriously.
1. Byakuren Hijiri
2. Suwako Moriya
3. Keine Kamishirasawa
4. Sanae Kochiya
5. Kagerou Imaizumi
6. Satori Komeiji
7. Seiga Kaku
8. Hatate Himekaidou
9. Kosuzu Motoori
10. Shiki Eiki
I knew someone would have real taste.
 
Future: A very poorly executed (and very contrived) solo hang gliding attempt results in you crashing into a cliffside, burying you up past your waste in the sedimentary rock wall. After flailing around for a bit, you discover that you have agitated an entire society of Lilliputians eking out their tiny lives in a groove  just below you. They instantly begin worshipping you against your will, but you roll with it. You clear their land for agriculture, collect some rainwater for their fields, and swat away a hungry crow WITH THE GREAT FIST OF HOLY JUSTICE! You then teach unto your new disciples all of your wisdom and lore. That is to say, you give them the knowledge of someone with a Bachelor's in philosophy and a boatload of nerd trivia. Statues very vaguely representing Hatsune Miku and Red Mage from 8-bit Theater soon pop up around town. They develop quickly with your wisdom and benevolence, though the cramps and steady raw-crow diet are starting to get to you. Just before you lose feeling in your feet, the Lilliputians have reached an age of enlightenment (and Vocaloid worship) and develop incredible medicines and machines. Their futures secure in their technology, they free you from your bonds. However, one has taken quite a shine to you during your time stuck in the cliffside, and the two of you get hitched in their grandest temple: A 2 foot tall box with your name scribbled on the side. The honeymoon is a thrill because you only need to spend money on 1.01 people, and the extra money goes in the bank. They make a grand palace for you two, which is a 24 cubic foot hut with one room. Things go well for you after that and your return to society. You even get a pet wolfhound, which scares your wife to no end, considering she is the size of a single bit of kibble. Things go great for you, though you prove to be unexciting in the sack, and intimacy suffers. You've got more than a strong enough bond to go through with it, though.
 
Death: You inhale your wife in your sleep and choke to death at 84. She makes it out OK though.
 
Last Words: "Eggs for breakfast tomorrow, dear?" Maybe it WASN'T an accident!
Spoiler:
It was.

Number: 15
 
Color: Rainbow hugs and happiness
 
Spoiler:
How this came about without Shinmyoumaru in the top 10, I dunno.

OK. I have to do this.
1. Rin Kaenbyou
2. Marisa Kirisame
3. Sakuya Iyazoi
4. Yuuka Kazami
5. Patchouli Knowledge
6. Tenshi Hinanawi
7. Ran Yakumo
8. Yuugi Hoshiguma
9. Komachi Onozuka
10. Utsuho Reiuji
(This is constructed from memory because I didn't want to go through a whole touhousort again, though I should at some point!)

Future: YOU ARE BRUTALLY MURDERED BY YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! Sorta. He got drunk after a hard day at work and passed out, hitting the table in such a way that you take a steak knife to the temple. The blow only puts you in a coma. He dresses you in a unicorn horn to cover up the wound and drags you out of the house seeking a way to revive you that won't implicate him in MAAAANSLAUGHTER! Meanwhile, you are so close to Death that you can feel him breathing down your neck. After all, you're having a dream that involves standing in a really cramped line at Dairy Queen with him behind you. Gotta get that peach smoothie! The cramped quarters lead to a conversation, and the conversation leads to a date. Pretty soon, you're seriously testing the waters with him. He seems friendly enough, and he has his moments, but you just can't commit. Eventually, you feel just comfortable enough with Death to spend the night at his place. His house is a total dump and you find out Death hasn't done anything with his un-life in the past 150,000 years. After, you confront Death about his lack of motivation and why he hasn't taken charge of his life or his job. It leads to a spat, and the two of you break up. It's a good thing, too, because your SO has finally found a way to revive you. After a 150 mile trek through backroads, fields, and forests, your SO finds a nuclear power plant. He rips apart a cable he finds deep in the facility and jabs you with the raw, arcing tips of it, sending well more than 1.21 gigawatts through you. The knife shoots out of your skull with the unicorn horn attached, lodging itself in a similar position in his head. You then have to repeat the same misadventures that he experienced. He awakens later, reporting a similar brush with Death. Apparently, Death had gotten over you rather quickly (and is bi), but you always thought that he seemed like that type..         
 
Death: You maintain a working yet awkward relationship with Death until he murders your SO at the age of 107 from a combination of burn wounds from his motorcycle blowing up, lupus, and terminal cancer from all that radiation from so many years ago. You and Death have a spat about the incident, and Death turns out to be a real whiny, self-important and jealous jerk. The two of you break off your relationship for some time. Later, Death pays you a visit for what you think is going to be an apology and a pity party. It's actually a business trip. You die at 103.
 
Last Words: "Well I know it's your job to claim the souls of the dead, but that doesn't mean you have to be such a giant jealous douche about it!"
 
Number: 617
 
Color: Purple

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

trancehime

  • 不聖女
  • *
  • 2017年~ 茨心R (希望)
    • himegimi
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #84 on: October 25, 2013, 08:36:19 AM »
goddamn

if i were drinking something, the one you did for UK's would have made me spit my drink everywhere

god damn

元素召唤 || pad & msl news translator robit
twitter xx motk resident whale

Drake

  • *
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #85 on: October 25, 2013, 09:38:10 AM »
UK's is so good.

A Colorful Calculating Creative and Cuddly Crafty Callipygous Clever Commander
- original art by Aiけん | ウサホリ -

Raikaria

  • Do Tank Girls Dream...
  • *
  • Of Floating Eyeballs?
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #86 on: October 25, 2013, 10:10:23 AM »
Why has it taken this long for me to pop my head in here?

1. Shinki
2. Rumia
3. Yuuka
4. Kogasa
5. Elly
6. Seiga
7. Seija
8. Rika
9. Yukari
10. Remilia


http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/
I don't even remember who put the above in my sig. [Wasn't me] Nor do I understand why I keep it here anymore.
Those two facts sum me up pretty well.

UncertainJakutten

  • Then you should get out of the way when I tell you
  • Do you not trust my aim?
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #87 on: October 25, 2013, 05:38:37 PM »
My horoscope fills me with dread because it means my current relationship is fated for failure, *and* that I'll be going out with a dude at some point again D:!


Reddyne

  • Give me love and money. I have the rest already.
  • *
  • Love and money coming from you is what I need.
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #88 on: October 25, 2013, 05:41:09 PM »
I don't spy on people's relationships! I'm glad people are still poking their heads in though. Writing these has been my greatest accomplishment at my current job. That bad? That bad.
1. Keine
2. Mokou
3. Reimu
4. Yuuka
5. Youmu
6. Patchouli
7. Marisa
8. Yuugi
9. Miko
10. Nitori
They make such a great pair.
 
Future: "Good morrow to you, sirs, and welcome to the deepest, darkest depths of the Amazon! 'Tis quite a perilous journey that you and your companions have endured just to reach a treacherous locale! Rest well, for when dawn comes, we shall map and probe the corners of the earth hidden from mankind since the beginning of time! Tread lightly, for we may encounter the voracious piranha, the poisonous trouser snake, and the terrifying electrified bad-smelling exploding sabertooth lesbian bulimic baboon. We lost Dr. Wellington to one last week. Very sticky. Anyway, pull up a wet, fungus-covered log and enjoy our makeshift fire. We've got plenty of two-year-old hardtack, swill, and rotten meat to enjoy. After we fend off a panther, we'll settle in for the night. You may borrow Mr. Clark's sleeping bag. He won't be needing it since he died of dysentery last night. You did wash out Clark's sleeping bag out, did you not, Watson? I sure hope so. Very well, then. Please take your three soggy rations as well as the following supplies: A rusty, warped machete, a broken pocket knife for defense, rope that may or may not be from the time of the second Punic war, and a fresh pair of boots, by which I mean there's a dog-sized spider with a fresh attitude in one of them. Also, Mr. Sherwood is in control of the repeating rifle since he seems to be the only one amongst us who can inspect and test it without looking down the barrel. Very well, then. Let us retire for the evening. Be sure to put up the mosquito nets. The ones we had last night were as big as cats and you'll need your blood to wade through 5 miles of leech-infested waters tomorrow. And the next person to scream as loud as Coddington did when he was dragged into the night will not receive the same search party to find his remains! Sleep well, gentlemen!"
 
Death: You attempt to kiss your beloved and she doesn't reciprocate. Your beloved happens to be an 20 foot long crocodile. Luckily, she doesn't happen to worry about grocery shopping for some time later. Death claims you at 58.
 
Last Words: "Now in truth, gentlemen, there are no beasts in the jungle that cannot be tamed. Allow me to demonstrate with Muffy here."
 
Number: 50 kilograms of gear. How do these people manage?
 
Color: Jungle green
 
1. Shikieiki Yamaxanadu
2. Yuuka Kazami
3. Utsuho Reiuji
4. Fujiwara no Mokou
5. Shinki
6. Yukari Yakumo
7. Nue Houjuu
8. Toyosatomimi no Miko
9. Kanako Yasaka
10. Eirin Yagokoro

Future: The year is 200X. You're General Kilgore, the hero of the Canadian-American war. After serving your beloved country for more than two decades and receiving the Medal of Honor 17 times and the Jumbo Deluxe Medal of Honor thrice, your government betrays you because you know. Too. Much. You escape your assassination attempt involving an assassin with a nuclear bomb, though you are horribly scarred by the searing radiation. Vowing revenge, you set up a base inside a volcano that spews neon red radioactive goo and you attract a horde of goons that all wear cheesy biker helmets so you can't see their faces. You even kidnap the U.S.'s top scientist, Dr. Cindy Rella, so you can force her to engineer a missile that will release a radioactive cloud over the country that wronged you, subjecting hundreds of millions to the same fate you have endured. But the U.S. has the one man who can take you out on their side...
 
Rex Scorpion. He's part man, part cyber-soldier, part ninja, part time help at the Red Cross, and he's out to part you a new one. He's your former protege and he's got the tools for the job: A cigar and two eight-barreled shotguns. The stage is set for your greatest battle. Rex parachutes into your lair from the U.S.'s base on the moon. He swoops in, blowing away your mooks with his shotguns while they couldn't hope to hit him once with an arsenal of laser machine guns. They give the A-Team, Death Star stormtroopers, and blind people with no hands a bad name so far as marksmanship goes. Your army is torn to shreds and perforated more times than all the pages in a 24 subject notebook combined. Before long, he's rescued the lovely Dr. Rella (and the entire can of Aqua Net hairspray she put into her Princess Di-esque feathered hair) and sends the lone, unarmed girl with no military training out into the facility to secure an escape route.
 
Your grand strategy of throwing mobs of useless thugs against a walking weapons cache while watching monitors in your throne room has failed! Rex barges in, killing your right hand man by slicing him open with a cyber samurai sword. "Mind if I cut in?" he growls, lit cigar in his lips. Instead of opening the trap door to your cyber shark pit which is placed immediately below him right away, you have a 5 minute monologue about your grand plans for domination, giving Rex plenty of time to reload. "You'll never win, general. 'Cuz I've got a lady back home to protect. Lady Liberty. And she's got better things to do than watch you wave your little missile at her." Rex pulls out of his pocket a box with a 5 foot long antenna and a single button on it and pushes it. He rigged the radioactive missile with explosives off-camera! The blast knocks you off your feet. This gives Rex enough time to punch a 4 letter passcode into your personal Apple III computer, irreversibly setting off your base's self-destruct sequence. With your plans for revenge foiled, you battle Rex in a climactic kung-fu battle for the ages.
 
Death: Rex Dragon Kicks your ass off a catwalk that would fail every last OSHA regulation in the book and you plummet into the heart of the radioactive volcano. "It's been a blast, general" Rex quips with a smirk. You see him flee as the base explodes around you just as you meet your demise at 51. Rex barrels out of the facility with Dr. Rella in one arm and both 8 barreled shotguns in the other while riding his combination F-15 jet/Harley Davidson motorcycle out of there. They have a romantic moment on a cliff overlooking the remnants of your base despite having met each other 15 minutes ago. Roll credits.
 
Last Words: As you fall to your doom, the camera pans out and spins to a sickening degree. With your last breaths, you shout at Rex. "Curse you! Curse your family! Curse your children!. And your children's children! Vile, vile Scorpioooooo-" *BOOM*
 
Number: T-1000
 
Color: Any neon color capable of performing impromptu laser eye surgery on anyone who glances at it.
 
Spoiler:
There you go, Shim. Now start posting in the KoDP thread again.

Ooh, fun times! Let's see...
1 Utsuho Reiuji (Okuu)
2 Koishi Komeiji
3 Yuyuko Saigyouji
4 Sariel
5 Byakuren Hijiri
6 Shinmyoumaru Sukuna
7 Hata no Kokoro
8 Satori Komeiji
9 Tenshi Hinanawi
10 Ran Yakumo
(I did an entire touhousort for this. Why do I like all final bosses and two extras and Satori. Why. I even tried to base this more on personality I liked.)
Tohosort's always good to see how much things have changed regarding your fandom every so often. Read a dozen doujins or some older canon material, and watch how many places are shook up.
 
Future: Your sweet, innocent obliviousness of the armageddon-level catastrophes you have caused have extended back through your family for generations. Great-granddad left the stove on in the Hindenburg, Grandma playing jump rope with friends near the Tacoma Narrows Bridge was the last nail in its coffin, and uncle Artyom played tug o' war using a power line with his pet dog out in Chernobyl. The same trait of being an innocent walking disaster area starts young. Little did you know, while being driven home from the hospital after your birth, you tugged on your father's hair when he was driving into your garage, causing him to careen into a support beam. Making your first home unsafe for living was just the start, and you soon cause a torrent of disasters, resulting in your parents giving you up for adoption. Three adoption homes (and two very understanding adoptive parents) later, you were released to the real world, your destructive skills remaining dormant. Soon they will reawaken. In spades. It starts with a gas leak that levels your first workplace in the middle of the night and gets progressively worse from there. Someone finally rats on you (speaking of which, you inadvertently start a giant rat infestation), and you become a social outcast. Eventually, your landlord awards you with the deed to an entire block of apartments and all the other tenants flee. Days later, you pick at a chipped section of a cinderblock and the entire building implodes. It's a good thing you're such a chipper, positive person, or the years of isolation would really wear on you. You try to build a log cabin in the forest, but it burns down. You then try to build a house out of i-beams and sheet metal, but it burns down. Finally, you build a house from coral in the ocean, but an oil tanker crashes on top of it, causing it to burn down. Seeking a purpose to all of this misfortune, you offer your... ability to be used for the good of the public. You are later used to clear minefields, cause landslides and avalanches, and are even sent into space to draw away an asteroid that would've otherwise hit earth. It hits your space shuttle, though.
 
Death: You manage to avoid being a part of all the catastrophes you cause by sheer luck. Even Death doesn't want anything to do with you, and when you're finally satisfied with your life, you deliberately drive a knife into your temple at 118. The blow doesn't prove to be enough, and you only have a vision of Death at a Dairy Queen. You have a conversation with him, and he whines about how bad his love life has been, which makes sense considering what a whiny stiff he is. You grill him on that until it's the scythe for you. Death breaks a hip in the process.
 
Last Words: You're 118! You're last words were some 6 years earlier when you hit on the sprightly young nonagenarian who lived down the hall in the nursing home. "Mrs. Grundy, you wanna come over my place and swap dentures?" Man, you have your moments.
 
Number: 10000 feet. It will be a minimum distance restraining order put on you by the entire human race.
 
Color: Rosy pink innocence.

TA-DAAAAAAA! 61 blood donations and counting! 
Best Mile: 5:30
Best 5k: 18:07
Best Marathon: 3:23:16

commandercool

  • alter cool
Re: That's your Touhouroscope for today
« Reply #89 on: October 25, 2013, 06:12:42 PM »
Future: "Good morrow to you, sirs, and welcome to the deepest, darkest depths of the Amazon! 'Tis quite a perilous journey that you and your companions have endured just to reach a treacherous locale! Rest well, for when dawn comes, we shall map and probe the corners of the earth hidden from mankind since the beginning of time! Tread lightly, for we may encounter the voracious piranha, the poisonous trouser snake, and the terrifying electrified bad-smelling exploding sabertooth lesbian bulimic baboon. We lost Dr. Wellington to one last week. Very sticky. Anyway, pull up a wet, fungus-covered log and enjoy our makeshift fire. We've got plenty of two-year-old hardtack, swill, and rotten meat to enjoy. After we fend off a panther, we'll settle in for the night. You may borrow Mr. Clark's sleeping bag. He won't be needing it since he died of dysentery last night. You did wash out Clark's sleeping bag out, did you not, Watson? I sure hope so. Very well, then. Please take your three soggy rations as well as the following supplies: A rusty, warped machete, a broken pocket knife for defense, rope that may or may not be from the time of the second Punic war, and a fresh pair of boots, by which I mean there's a dog-sized spider with a fresh attitude in one of them. Also, Mr. Sherwood is in control of the repeating rifle since he seems to be the only one amongst us who can inspect and test it without looking down the barrel. Very well, then. Let us retire for the evening. Be sure to put up the mosquito nets. The ones we had last night were as big as cats and you'll need your blood to wade through 5 miles of leech-infested waters tomorrow. And the next person to scream as loud as Coddington did when he was dragged into the night will not receive the same search party to find his remains! Sleep well, gentlemen!"
 
Death: You attempt to kiss your beloved and she doesn't reciprocate. Your beloved happens to be an 20 foot long crocodile. Luckily, she doesn't happen to worry about grocery shopping for some time later. Death claims you at 58.
 
Last Words: "Now in truth, gentlemen, there are no beasts in the jungle that cannot be tamed. Allow me to demonstrate with Muffy here."
 
Number: 50 kilograms of gear. How do these people manage?
 
Color: Jungle green

I deem this "super accurate, probably". Now where's my canteen, steamboat, and ropes?
I made a PADHerder. It's probably out of date though.