So as you may have noticed, I'm doing
an LP over in Akyu's Arcade. There was a throwaway joke in IRC.
<~Sakana> >MAID POLICE
<~Sakana> I approve
<Roukan> "That's it. I quit the force. I'm handing in my apron."
<Roukan> oh god why do i want to write about maid police now
<~Sakana> Because it's awesome, that's why
<Roukan> screw it
* Roukan is now known as Rou|What
I wrote this in one burst. It's probably iffy in terms of plot, grammar, and everything else.
Sakana is to blame. I regret nothing.
-----
?You wanted to see me, Chief??
Lieutenant Rachel D?Alouette couldn?t look any unhappier. She leaned backwards in her chair, one finger playing with the frills on her apron. Her other hand played with the handle of her firearm, the Feather Duster.
?I?m not going to mince words, Lieutenant.?
Chief May Dou was hunched over her chair, hands knit together. Rachel couldn?t see the look in those eyes, but from the wretched tone of her voice she could make a good guess.
?You?ve stepped out of the rulebook two dozen times in the last month. Breaking and entering. Assault and battery. And one case of attempted manslaughter.?
?Your informant hadn?t dusted his attic in a lifetime,? Rachel answered, her eyes on the ceiling. ?He deserved what he got.?
?Dammit, Lieutenant!? May slammed a fist into the desk as she stood up. Her uniform was pure, indicating that she was the highest ranking official. The rest of the ranks ran down the spectrum, and Rachel was sitting on a measly yellow. It matched her long, flowing hair, so she?d seen no reason to rise any higher.
?Do you have any idea what you?re doing to the M.P.D.? Our approval ratings are in the red because YOU can?t get your act together!?
?Say what you want about my methods,? Rachel said, the words dripping off her tongue. ?I get results that the rest of your little workforce would only dream of.?
There was the Bleached Sink incident back in January. The President?s Tea Party in March. And of course, no-one could forget how she?d put an end to the Butler Bloodbath only the month before. None of her actions even approached legal, but they got the job done.
May grimaced, shuffling her glasses. Her hands trembled, and the glass almost shattered in her grip. After a few moments, she took a deep breath and sat down. She eyed the half-empty bottle of brandy on her desk, looking set to down the rest of its contents in one go.
?As much as I hate to admit it, you?re right. But still, I?m not willing to sit around and let you shit all over the code I?ve put my life into defending.?
She clicked her fingers, and a side door opened. Rachel?s heart sank as another girl stepped out from inside.
?This is Officer Dalia Marshall. One of the brightest minds in the academy. She?ll be your partner starting today.?
The girl couldn?t have been more than fifteen, which meant there were at least three years between them. She was dressed in a bright red uniform, the lowest of the low. Her crimson hair was tied in two large pigtails. Her strides were perfectly in time, and as she entered she turned to the Chief and gave a perfect salute.
?Ma?am! Officer Marshall reporting for duty, Ma?am!?
Rachel was about to be sick.
-----
She?d argued at length with the Chief over it, but at every point May just pointed to the book and gave her a knowing smile. Officially, the MAID Police Force was expected to travel around in pairs at all times, but Rachel had earned enough of a reputation as a loose cannon that no-one was willing to risk working with her.
No-one except Little Miss Pedant, anyway.
?Lieutenant, you should always wear your seatbelt when you drive,? she recited, her childish face molded into a look of pure discipline. ?The MAID Police must set an example for the citizens they are assigned to protect.?
?Yeah, yeah.? Rachel wasn?t really listening as she pressed a foot down on the gas pedal of her patrol car. The Butterknife was an old model, without the speed or traction that the modern Cleaver vehicles had. Rachel had refused to have her old car trashed. It had become an old friend, her foot fitting naturally into the pedal, the car twisting and turning wherever she wanted it to.
If Dalia was unimpressed by Rachel?s choice of vehicle, her expression didn?t betray it. Her eyes darted across the road, ever vigilant. Rachel wondered if she had any friends. She doubted it.
One or two pedestrians passed by on the street. Rachel knew for certain that they would be looking at the vehicle. The MAID Police was not exactly the sort of force that blended into society. It had been the production of an eccentric millionaire with questionable tastes. While there had been an uproar to begin with, none could doubt the corps? results, and the world?s ordinary police forces dwindled down until they were almost non-existent.
There were one or two requirements. Firstly, all MAID officers were female. Secondly, they could only work on patrol duty up until the edge of 25; if they weren?t in an office job by then, it was time for retirement. The pension was nice, though - enough to spend fifty years in relative luxury.
Rachel still had a good seven years of duty before that. And she wasn?t sure if Mei was willing to let her serve that long.
?Lieutenant, I cannot help but notice our partnership is distinctly lacking in trust.?
?No shit,? Rachel muttered, keeping her eyes firmly on the road.
?This is something we will need to rectify. In an intense gunfight, it is vital we have absolute trust in one another.?
How could a girl that young say something so dry? Hell, maybe she was seventy and had just solved the mystery of looking eternally young.
?Let?s begin with some simple questions,? Dalia continued, clearing her throat. ?Why did you join the MAID Police??
?Because I wanted to help people, but the cops wouldn?t take me.?
Dalia frowned. Rachel couldn?t care less.
?Lemme take a guess,? she answered, still not looking Dalia in the eye. ?You couldn?t stand all the bad stuff going on in the world around you, but you knew you were too young to get a job in any ordinary police force. So you come to MAID, put your whole life into protecting the peace, and come out with flying colours??
Dalia nodded. ?I would have used a more eloquent term than ?bad stuff?, but you are just about correct.?
Great. May had lumped her with a pencil pusher.
She was about ready to leap out of the window when the radio crackled to life. A perfectly calm voice reported the latest happenings to the pair.
?Calling all cars in the West Wing district: Reports of a burglary taking place at the Family Vault bank. At least half a dozen culprits, all armed. Possible hostages.?
Rachel felt the tension leave her. The everyday frustrations of her duties fell to the wayside when duty called. A small smile rose to her face as she picked up the receiver.
?Lieutenant D?Alouette, copy that. En route.?
She looked down, shifting the gear stick to sixth.
?Let?s dance, Butterknife.?
She slammed her foot into the pedal, and the sound of screeching rubber filled her ears. Dalia was probably yelling something about speeding or violation of traffic laws, but Rachel physically could not care less.
She had a job to do. And she was going to do it her way.
-----
Rachel heard the crime before she saw it. An alarm blared through the street block, and the cries of terrified pedestrians echoed through the streets. With an experienced hand, she brought Butterknife skidding around a hairpin, coming within inches of the sidewalk and scaring a civilian half to death. She stopped on a dime, at the front door to the Family Vault bank.
She took a look inside. No sign of the suspects. They were further inside. That was good, meant there weren?t likely to be any innocents caught in the crossfire. She turned back to Dalia.
?Kid, stay here. This is a job for the grown-ups.?
Dalia was glaring at her like she?d just stolen her lollipop. What was her problem? She?d broken the speed limit, yeah, but she hadn?t hit anything. What was there to complain about?
Still, the glare was unrelenting. Eventually, Rachel sighed in defeat.
?OK, whatever. Just hang back and learn from the pro.?
Dalia was unhappy with that agreement, but nodded nonetheless. The pair stepped out of the car, looking at each other for a moment.
Each of them grabbed at the pendant around their neck, clicking it in.
?MAID Force, On Duty.?
Rachel?s uniform shone for a moment as the internal AI came to life. The flimsy fabric grew as strong as steel. The apron as hard as rock. A visor came down from her headpiece to protect her face, and its screen came to life as the internal computer observed the situation. In spite of its sturdiness, her uniform was still so light that she sometimes felt like she wasn?t wearing anything.
Perhaps the uniform was demeaning, but no-one could deny that the old founder of the MAID Force was the greatest engineer of his time.
Dalia had gone on duty as well. She held a small pistol in her hand as she stepped in. Rachel had to keep herself from chuckling at the sight. It was the Handcloth, the weakest firearm the force had to offer.
No surprise. Who would trust a kid with a real weapon? Rachel gripped the handle of her Feather Duster with pride, clicking the safety off as she pressed herself against a wall. Peering over, she could see the gang responsible for the breakin. Two were on patrol, two were guarding the three hostages they?d gathered in the centre of the room, and two were bringing the money out of the vault behind them. All of them were armed, but the two bringing out their earnings had their hands nowhere near their weapons.
She quickly formed a strategy in her head. The hostage takers were her priority. If she was fast enough on the trigger, she could drop them both before they had a chance to take out the hostages. The rest would react and turn their guns on her. She?d probably take a few shots before they were dispatched, but the armour would absorb most of the impact.
Dalia was a corridor behind, well out of the equation. Just where she belonged.
Go time.
Rachel ran out from behind cover, her computer marking points for her to aim at and counteract her momentum. The first two shots were fired before the burglars could react. The hostage takers grabbed at their chests as they collapsed. The patrol guards yelped, both turning their guns on her and unloading. Their shots bounced off Rachel?s armour, but the impact was still strong enough to make her wince.
As they fired off their full magazines without stopping her, Rachel fired back while her foes were reloading. Two headshots, and the patrol was down. The last two weren?t even a challenge - they made to run, but the computer took that into account as well when it gave Rachel her targets. They dropped soon afterward.
The whole exchange had taken five seconds at the very most.
Rachel blew the smoke away from the tip of her gun. She hadn?t killed them - her gun fired small pellets of clay, which on contact would transfer a non-lethal shock and incapacitate the target. The MAID Police put a great emphasis on taking in criminals alive.
That didn?t stop her feeling good when she took them out, though.
?Dalia,? she yelled down the corridor to her partner, who was staring on dumbfounded. ?Call in the cavalry. Tell them we?ve taken care of-?
Beep.
At the last moment, Rachel?s computer gave off a beep. A light inside the visor flashed red. Her heart skipped a beat.
?Lieutenant?? Dalia stepped forward, her gun still prepped. ?Give me a sit-rep.?
Rachel said nothing. Her eyes were locked on the vault.
In particular, on the beeping sound coming from within, and the timer gradually counting down.
?Ah...? Dalia stared at the bomb the criminals had stashed in the vault, her eyes wide open. Rachel just rubbed at her temples.
?Get outta here, kid. Take the hostages with you.?
?What? But, Lieutenant-?
?No buts!? Rachel charged into the vault, holstering the Feather Duster as she left her companion in the dust. She had to get as many people as possible out of the blast radius in case she screwed this up.
The timer was set to go off in two minutes. Obviously the criminals had been planning to make their escape just when she had turned up. It was a primitive device, with its innards still in plain sight. Wires ran in all directions, meshing and looping with each other in mind-boggling orders.
She had to figure this out. She pulled out a small pair of scissors from the belt at her waist, holding them over the contraption. These things weren?t stupid. If she cut the wrong wire, the whole thing was set to blow. No time to call in the professionals, either. It couldn?t be that hard, surely.
?Right, that?s the detonator, so-no, is that the detonator? That could be the dummy charge...?
She wasn?t familiar with the make, the build, or anything else that could be of use. The bomb?s beeping continued as her hand trembled above the machine.
?OK, I count a dozen wires here...so guessing isn?t a good option.?
She could recognise the payload, though. There was enough TNT stashed in this box to level not only the vault, but the entire city block. Even if Dalia got the hostages away, there were still hundreds of lives at stake.
?It?s never this hard in the movies, dammit.?
One minute left, and she was getting nowhere. Time to pick a colour. Red? No, red was too obvious. Blue was out, too, for the same reason. Brown? Maybe pink? Or yellow? She was sitting in front of a rainbow of wires, and every one looked as deadly as its neighbours.
She was out of ideas. She became vaguely aware that she was probably about to die. Even the MAID armour had its limits.
?OK. Eenie, meenie, miney-?
?Lieutenant!?
The vault door creaked open as Officer Marshall charged into the room.
?The hell are you doing here, kid?!?
Thirty seconds. Dalia peered over Rachel?s shoulder, examining the bomb intently.
?Yeah, it?s a bomb. Good work, kid.?
Dalia nodded, as if she was accepting that as a compliment. She knelt down beside the bomb, pulling out her own pair of scissors. Rachel felt a bead of sweat run down her forehead as she saw it.
?Kid, you have no idea how dangerous this thing is. Put that down right now, or-?
Fifteen seconds. Dalia stopped, looking up to Rachel with an expression that was somehow stronger than everything she?d shown the lieutenant up until now.
?Rachel. Trust me.?
Ten seconds. Rachel gulped. It wasn?t like she could do much else. She nodded.
?Thank you.?
Dalia didn?t even look at the device. Her arm reached out, the scissors snagging a wire seemingly at random.
She cut.
Rachel flinched.
The beeping died.
?...Damn.?
Rachel was looking for a stronger word, but decided not to curse in front of a fifteen year old. Dalia stood up, casually placing the scissors back at her waist, then looked up at her superior with a smile.
?May I suggest a refresher course on bomb defusal??
