Maidens of the Kaleidoscope
~Beyond the Border~ => Daiyousei's Cold Storage => Topic started by: Menorah Jams, Pham on December 11, 2009, 07:15:26 PM
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Hello, my name is Rajesh with Microsoft Life Network Technical Assistance, and I have taken over your case from our first tier representative. I am understanding that you are having a problem and I will being to put together an action plan.
May I have the details of the situation so I can begin to troubleshoot your issue?
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My laptop came with a horrible piece of malware, better known as Vista. What should I do?
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[nsfw]http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/3496/7251245.jpg[/nsfw]
I'm having back problems for some reason. What should I do?
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My computer is broken. Fix it
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i think i have the sage virus1what do i do!!!1
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My computer doesn't work
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My laptop came with a horrible piece of malware, better known as Vista. What should I do?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Windows Vista and am happy to help you with a resolution. Microsoft has released Windows Vista Service Pack 2, code-named "Windows 7," in a convenient standalone upgrade package which is available at retailers everywhere or with new PCs. You might also want to disable your User Access Control, remove any firewall software, and use Windows Security Center to filter all traffic for all protocols on ports 1-65535 at all times, allowing no exceptions.
Some users have also reported success at using Unix exclusively, although this is not an official Microsoft product.
[nsfw]http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/3496/7251245.jpg[/nsfw]
I'm having back problems for some reason. What should I do?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Spinal Column 2.5 and am happy to help you with a resolution. May I ask please if you are having pain, stiffness, tingling, or numbness, and is it in your upper, middle, or lower back?
My computer is broken. Fix it
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with your computer running Microsoft Windows Operating System and am happy to help you with a resolution.
May I please ask you what state your cup holder is in?
i think i have the sage virus1what do i do!!!1
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Windows Vista and am happy to help you with a resolution.
I must please ask you to do the needful to provide the logs of directory in question.
My computer doesn't work
Thank you for calling Computer Support. Please state the nature of your computer emergency.
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Thank you for calling Computer Support. Please state the nature of your computer emergency.
the screen is black
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I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with your computer running Microsoft Windows Operating System and am happy to help you with a resolution.
May I please ask you what state your cup holder is in?
It's currently in the computer. I let my son use it the other day and went on the "googol.com" site and I just KNOW he RUINED MY COMPTUER!
FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!
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the screen is black
Sir, I am more than willing to help you but I would ask that you please refrain from making race-based suppositions about your computer for the duration of this call.
May I please inquire as to your Support Unified Computational Knowledge Integrated Technology Product Utility Numeric Key?
It's currently in the computer. I let my son use it the other day and went on the "googol.com" site and I just KNOW he RUINED MY COMPTUER!
FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!
Thank you for that information, sir.
Support for the Google application is unfortunately not included in your service contract, and to continue to provide support, I will need a credit card number to authorize a $35.00 per-call out-of-scope support charge, so we can return a call in 5-7 business days on a day starting with S between the hours of 27:45 and Spinach:09.
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Kilga, you know better than that.
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My computer is showing me this weird thing. I think it says "Maidens of the Kaleidoscope". What do I do?
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May I please inquire as to your Support Unified Computational Knowledge Integrated Technology Product Utility Numeric Key?
I have cleaned it in the bathtub. That is good, right?
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A pop-up just appeared on the right side of my taskbar and projected "Virus database has been updated!" through my speakers. What does this mean?
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My computer says "You really know how to turn me on" every time I boot it up. How can I stop this from happening?
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Also, I can't use a wiimote with my 360.
Is my 360 broken?
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My computer is showing me this weird thing. I think it says "Maidens of the Kaleidoscope". What do I do?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Kaleidoscopic Maidens and am happy to help you with a resolution. Please perform the following steps:
1) Gather all images matching the tags hong_meiling, reisen_udongein_inaba, kawashiro_nitori, and hakurei_reimu from your Maidens.
2) Please send them in a .zip file for analysis.
I have cleaned it in the bathtub. That is good, right?
In that case sir I would strongly advise that you immediately contact your local emergency authorities and have a plumber standing by. Please call back if you are still alive when it is done.
A pop-up just appeared on the right side of my taskbar and projected "Virus database has been updated!" through my speakers. What does this mean?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with W32.M1Cr0-H4RD and am happy to help you with a resolution. Please follow every conceivable link from astalavista.org and test your virus definitions. Please advise if you catch any viruses and what happens to your machine after this is done.
My computer says "You really know how to turn me on" every time I boot it up. How can I stop this from happening?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Simpsons Episode 7G03 and am happy to help you with a resolution.
Please watch Treehouse of Horror V and also the episode that was voiced by Michael Jackson.
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I put the screw in the tuna what now
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1) Gather all images matching the tags hong_meiling, reisen_udongein_inaba, kawashiro_nitori, and hakurei_reimu from your Maidens.
What if I have none?
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How does I shoot the bullet?
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(http://img687.imageshack.us/img687/4405/shotwebp.jpg)
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My computer crashed, so I am now posting from my Internet-enabled typewriter.
(http://img685.imageshack.us/img685/1827/drunkt.png)
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What if I have none?
Unfortunately part of the Maidens system requires a certain Waifu Systems Quotient in order to function properly. It seems that you must increase the number of Waifus in your system in order to be compatible with Maidens.
I put the screw in the tuna what now
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Tuna Sandwich and am happy to help you with a resolution.
Is this a Phillips, slot, Torx, or hex screw sir?
How does I shoot the bullet?
Touhou is not supported on Macs, sir.
(http://img687.imageshack.us/img687/4405/shotwebp.jpg)
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Web Shot Explorer and am happy to help you with a resolution. Please contact your internet service provider for assistance to shot web.
My computer crashed, so I am now posting from my Internet-enabled typewriter.
(http://img685.imageshack.us/img685/1827/drunkt.png)
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Sake and am happy to help you with a resolution. First, please upgrade your typewriter with an OC3 hard fiber connection so we may remote into it and assist you.
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Hello, my name is Rajesh with Microsoft Life Network Technical Assistance,
Wadedaminute.
Dat sum kinda terrist name'r sump'n?
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Wadedaminute.
Dat sum kinda terrist name'r sump'n?
No sir, my name is Rajesh and I am located in our Houston, Texas support center.
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All right, my typewriter's upgraded with an OC3 connection. What now?
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No sir, my name is Rajesh and I am located in our Houston, Texas support center.
Yew sayin' Texas got terrists innit?
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ARE YOU A TERRORIST!?!?
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Can a baby take temperatures up to 9000 degrees?
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Where is the 'Any' key?
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ARE YOU A TERRORIST!?!?
No sir, Microsoft Corporation no longer endorses terrorism and the World Puppy Kicking League as part of our charitable donation program.
Can a baby take temperatures up to 9000 degrees?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Reproductive Systems and am happy to help you with a resolution.
If you sear your babby at such temperatures sir it will be reduced to a chunk of carbon. May I suggest deep frying as an alternative to maintain crispy skin and tender meat?
Where is the 'Any' key?
I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Keyboard and am happy to help you with a resolution.
The 'Any' key is supported only on RS232 serial keyboards. May I suggest you contact your nearby junkyard so you may stick your hand with infected needles while digging for your replacement keyboard?
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What's "sex"?
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I just woke up and I can't see. It's pitch black in here. Help
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I apologize that you are experiencing a problem with Microsoft Tuna Sandwich and am happy to help you with a resolution.
Is this a Phillips, slot, Torx, or hex screw sir?
Hell, I dunno. But it is IN THE TUNA.
I think the tuna got screwed up.
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the Shanghai stole my glasses and now I can't see
help
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Hi. I have this program called "the Precious Thing" which seem to have been stolen by a trojan known as "Marisa". Any help?
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Yew fuckers charge me extre fer dis cupholder?
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I have lost my memory, and the only thing I had was a tissue with this phone number on it. Can you help me?
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Yew fuckers charge me extre fer dis cupholder?
I am sorry sir but your continued profanity has required me to disconnect this call. Please call back if you are able to continue working with us without resorting to profanity. Thank you for calling Microsoft.
What's "sex"?
Fortunately you are protected from sex, Microsoft users are guaranteed never to engage in anything that may involve sex.
I just woke up and I can't see. It's pitch black in here. Help
Eyes 1.0 is a separate addon, you must open them to continue.
Hell, I dunno. But it is IN THE TUNA.
I think the tuna got screwed up.
Unfortunately we only support Phillips and slot head screws, and we must identify the type of screw before continuing to provide support.
If you have a Torx, hex, or other type of screw, please contact the Apple Store where you purchased your tuna for support.
Hi. I have this program called "the Precious Thing" which seem to have been stolen by a trojan known as "Marisa". Any help?
Please hold while we transfer you to the Precious Thing Support Center located in France, Holland, Orleans, or Mexico.
the Shanghai stole my glasses and now I can't see
help
Then who was phone, sir?
I have lost my memory, and the only thing I had was a tissue with this phone number on it. Can you help me?
I will be glad to assist you sir. What was the name of the bar you just arrived from?
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So what are you wearing *that slutty winky kissy emoticon that I hate*
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I will be glad to assist you sir. What was the name of the bar you just arrived from?
Bar? I already told you, I lost my memory. I'm calling you from a pay phone!
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Dear Microsoft, this man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyufDxxWIsM) has told me that my 360 is faulty, apparently it "ain't got games"
How do I fix this? I have heard something about a "triple" and how it can play "final fantasy seven"
Where can I obtain this "triple"?
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I forgot my password.
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So what are you wearing *that slutty winky kissy emoticon that I hate*
Please hold while I transfer you to Abercrombie & Fitch Douchebag Wardrobe Support, sir.
Bar? I already told you, I lost my memory. I'm calling you from a pay phone!
I would then advise you to please find a bar and start drinking until your memories return, then call from there.
Dear Microsoft, this man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyufDxxWIsM) has told me that my 360 is faulty, apparently it "ain't got games"
How do I fix this? I have heard something about a "triple" and how it can play "final fantasy seven"
Where can I obtain this "triple"?
In order to have a triple, please buy two more Xbox 360s and run them in parallel.
I forgot my password.
The password expiration policy has recently been changed to increase security and ease of access. Users must now change their password every 24 hours, they cannot use any of their 400 previous passwords, and it cannot contain variations of their first name, last name, three vowels which change in and out of the restricted group every day, nor can it contain the consonants between B and H.
Also, passwords must be at least 20 characters long and no more than 21 characters long, and contain from at least four of the following five groups:
-Uppercase letters
-Lowercase letters
-Special characters
-Numbers
-Obscure mathematical symbols (the Universal Quantifier, modern Greek alphabet)
Please update your password within those guidelines. If you are locked out, wait 30 minutes and try again. Do not contact the Help Desk to have your password reset until it is updated within the above guidelines.
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I forgot triangles' password.
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I would then advise you to please find a bar and start drinking until your memories return, then call from there.
But I'm not old enough to drink. You're no help at all. >:<
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I forgot triangles' password.
Please have triangles reset it according to the above guidelines.
But I'm not old enough to drink. You're no help at all. >:<
Thank you for calling the Help Desk.
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Uh, how do I make it do the thing where the thing gets all loopy, then I get on AOL?
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I have a kitty cat sitting on my keyboard help.
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Uh, how do I make it do the thing where the thing gets all loopy, then I get on AOL?
First, locate an AOL CD and load it into your computer.
Second, put your computer in the microwave and set the power to high and the cook time to 3 minutes.
Third, use your computer as a paperweight for the rest of its days.
I have a kitty cat sitting on my keyboard help.
I am sorry but we cannot remove cats from computers. They are gods whose will we must obey at all times or risk swift death.
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I went out and bought a Mac, please help me correct this mistake.
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I went out and bought a Mac, please help me correct this mistake.
Please remain calm, open a CD case containing a Windows XP Pro SP3 install CD, and use it to format the Mac hard drive and install XP Pro.
Breathe deeply and steadily through this process.
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Dear Microsoft,
I have bought 2 more 360s and hooked them up parallel.
Do I need 3 disks for 1 game to achieve "triple"? And how do I get "final fantasy seven"? I've looked everywhere but I can't find any.
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Mah paperweight ain't, uh, workin'.
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HOW I MINE FOR FISH!!?!1
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Dear Microsoft,
I have bought 2 more 360s and hooked them up parallel.
Do I need 3 disks for 1 game to achieve "triple"? And how do I get "final fantasy seven"? I've looked everywhere but I can't find any.
HOW I MINE FOR FISH!!?!1
Mah paperweight ain't, uh, workin'.
Thank you for calling the Microsoft Life Resource Support Center Network Help Desk Customer Product Line.
We are currently closed. If you have a technical problem, please call back when somoene is here.
We have no after hours support. You have no options. Do not even bother googling it because if you could google effectively, you would not need to call support.
Microsoft cares about your business because you'll keep coming back, like a junkie to their dealer, because if you were smart enough you wouldn't need us.
Thank you for calling and have a pleasant weekend without your technology.