Maidens of the Kaleidoscope
~Hakurei Shrine~ => Patchouli's Scarlet Library => Topic started by: Steelix100 on January 23, 2014, 04:55:04 AM
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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9979884/1/Test
I'm a terrible writer. This, I know for sure. But you know what? I want to promote from terrible writer to bad writer. Perhaps if I post this here and brave souls read it, I might get constructive criticism that can help me get better (something I'm not good at).
I have other things too (all of which IIRC are quite unlike this) I might post them if people like boring fanfics...
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Before reading, I'd like to offer something about presentation: don't tear yourself down like this. It makes folks really reluctant to offer any criticism at all. Just let the writing stand on its own without this uncomfortable bowing and scraping.
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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9979884/1/Test
I'm a terrible writer. This, I know for sure. But you know what? I want to promote from terrible writer to bad writer. Perhaps if I post this here and brave souls read it, I might get constructive criticism that can help me get better (something I'm not good at).
I have other things too (all of which IIRC are quite unlike this) I might post them if people like boring fanfics...
I put my criticism in a review, but if you want I'll post it here,
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When I read the title of your thread, I wasn't sure what to expect. Fortunately, the results were above my expectations.
While I appreciate a bit of humor, the first line isn't really all that pertinent to the main plot. And I don't believe you are writing a humor story.
As for the main plot as a whole, it feels fairy-tale-ish. I'm not sure if you can fall asleep in a dream; I suppose some people have layered dreams, but it's not something I imagine everyone could relate to. That doesn't mean Marisa couldn't go to the shrine night after night in her single dream (dreams have a way of skipping parts); just that I found Marisa remembering herself fall asleep within a dream an experience foreign to any dream I've ever had.
You could also probably get some more emotional involvement from the readers if you expanded on the reaction Marisa has to her dreams; delve into her emotional reactions, both within the dream (was she trembling? panicking? Was her heart racing or still? Was she screaming at the abyss or running from it?) and upon waking up.
It would not hurt you to continue writing. Your current matter-of-fact style is a bit of a breath of fresh air; the style is a personal preference of mine when I write "Autobiographies of Interesting Characters", as it is especially suited to scenarios where a history or an author's interpretation on factual knowledge is being displayed. You seem like someone who will both benefit with practice and either is or will be capable of writing significantly longer works that can keep an audience engaged.
And don't feel the need to disparage yourself.