Penultimate chapter, folks. That's right, chapter 8 will wrap everything up. I might conclude with a list of "phun phacts" or something, 'cause I like that sort of shit.
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Douchebag in Gensokyo
Chapter 7
So when I woke up?wait, did I wake up? I mean, I died. You don?t really wake up from death, you know. But am I dead? I mean, I?m thinking about death right now, I think the nerds call that shit existennisalism or something, like, I?m thinking about life and shit.
Fuck, I?m confused.
So, I guess I woke up, ?cause I was on the shore of what looked like a river or something. At least, I guess it was a river, I couldn?t really see anything ?cause there was all sorts of mist and shit covering everything. But I know that everything looked gray?the sky was gray, the ground was gray, the water was gray and it looked like there were dead fish floating in it.
It was then that it really hit me, like all of a sudden BAM?I was dead. Like, really dead. Like ?no going back? dead.
And I thought, ?Bullshit.? Man, I should?ve stayed in bed Tuesday. Fuck that bitch in the bar. Fuck ALL the bitches I had met so far. Fuck this Gensokyo place. Fuck everything.
Then, out of the mist, I saw something. It was a rowboat, coming down the river. As it drew closer, I got a good look at the driver.
Holy shit, look at her TITS! Seriously, they?re like fuckin? melons! And they?re just hanging out of her gown?dress?thingy. Death ain?t so bad after all!
She pulled up to the shore. I noticed she had one of those blade thingies that?s on a pole, that they use to cut wheat. I think they call it a scythe.
Then it hit me. I?m dead?she has a scythe (And large tits)?is she Death? Fuck, if she?s really the Grim Reaper, I?d have died a long time ago!
So she gets out of the boat, and I decide, fuck it, I?m dead, what?s the worst that could happen? So I try to do my thing. ??sup, baby.? And she sort of looks at me quizzically and says, ?Huh? Not much, I guess.? And I?m thinking ?Shit yeah, even in death I still pimp.? So I lay out my best lines ?cause I got nothing to lose at this point. ?What?s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this??
And she says, ?Ah. I see. Look, lover boy, I got better things to do than to listen to your lame-ass pick up lines. Just get on the damn boat so I can get on with my day.?
For shit?s sake! When will this bullshit end? I keep striking out! Is every bitch I meet afraid of me? Fuck!
So I get on the boat with Tits McGee and we set off. The trip passes by in silence, though I got a lot of questions, I don?t want to talk to her.
Anyway, after a long while the S.S. Bitch reaches the other edge of the river. Walking Cleavage turns to me and says, ?Right, out of the boat, Romeo.? And I?m thinking, ?Who?s this Romeo faggot?? Then I get out of the boat. I find myself standing in front of two massive doors set into like a cave or something. Titzilla keeps talking, ?Go through those doors, there. The Yama will judge your life and you will be sentenced. She?ll explain more when you get there. Get going, she doesn?t like to wait.?
As if on cue, the doors open. I go ahead and walk through them, not like there?s anything else for me to do around here.
When I walk into the room beyond the doors, I see that there?s this massive judge?s bench, like the kind in a regular courtroom. To the left of the bench there?s a massive, golden scale. There are these doors on the left and right walls of the room.
Sitting behind the bench is this girl. All I can see of her was her green hair and her hat thing. It looked like a crown. All of a sudden, she says ?Come forward.? And, I dunno, I was sorta compelled to walk forward.
The girl?I guess she was the Yama Titbitch was talking about??looks down on me and says, ?I am Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the judge of the dead. If you?re here, that means only one thing?you?re dead. As such, it is my responsibility to weigh the actions of your life and determine whether you are to go to heaven, hell, or purgatory. Rest assured that I am not a biased judge. I will not rule for you or against you on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexuality, nationality, ethnicity, or anything like that. Just sit back and relax. If necessary, you will be required to answer questions about your life. Until then, just take a seat.?
Suddenly, a chair I guess magically appeared behind me, and I sat down in it. The Yama looked through a few papers and spoke again. ?Bobby Bagliaduccia, born June 4th, 1986 in Stoughton, Wisconsin, United States. A little far from home, aren?t you?? I opened my mouth to answer, when she said ?That?s a rhetorical question. Says here you?re the product of a broken home. Makes sense.?
Then she put the file down and said, ?Looking at your file, I noticed that you seem to have a strong dislike of women. Do you dislike women, Bobby?? I shook my head ?no?. I mean, I love chicks. I love to fuck ?em, and I love it when they treat me right.
The Yama, I guess, didn?t believe me, and said ?I doubt that. You see, I feel that your upbringing instilled within you a subconscious hatred of women. Your mother left you when you were a young boy, and from what I can tell, your father spent much of your childhood cursing the ?rotten bitch? that left him a single parent, even though it was his fault in the first place. He spent much of his time getting drunk and picking up strange women. Every boy wants to be his father, and as such, you learned how to interact with women from him, believing him to be the epitome of manliness. Hence the tough guy act, hence the misogyny, hence?well, to be blunt, hence your being here in the first place. Hitting on Princess Kaguya?shame on you. Did you honestly think that would work?? She shook her head. And I was sitting here wondering how the fuck she knew so much about my family?
Then she turned to those scales. ?In the first bowl is a single feather. This feather represents your soul. As you can see, the scale is off balance. Your life?s actions go into the second bowl, both good and bad, with different actions having more weight. Hypothetically, saving a child from a burning building would weigh more than stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. If, after all your life?s actions have been added, the feather is heavier, you will ascend to heaven. If the feather is lighter, you will go to hell. If they are equal, you will go to purgatory, where you will be granted one more chance to improve yourself. This is very exact?there is no such thing as ?wiggle room? in this process.?
Then she got up (I thought she would never stop talking) and approached the scales. She started putting weights in the second bowl, muttering to herself. Occasionally I would hear her say something like, ?Hurt his girlfriend? or ?Stole his friend?s car.? I was wondering when I would get a say in any of this.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she finished. The end result was that the scale was balanced.
The Yama went back to her bench. ?Bobby Baggliaduccia, you have been found as having a soul in balance with your deeds. You were born with a good soul, I don?t know where it came from, but there you go. You will henceforth be sent to purgatory, where you will be given one more chance. Fail and you will be sent to hell. Succeed and you will be sent to heaven. Do exceptionally well in your effort to improve yourself and you will be reincarnated.?
Then she came down from her bench and stood in front of me. ?You wonder why you don?t ?score? often. It?s not because women are afraid of you. It?s not because they?re all bitches who judge you before getting to know you. It?s because you?re?well, a douchebag. You abuse and torment and even physically harm almost everyone you come in contact with, even your friends.? Then she put her hand on mine. ?Bobby, if you learn anything from your time in purgatory, learn compassion. Learn to respect your fellow human being.?
Then the door on the right opened. ?Go through that door and follow the road until you come to a large stairway, then walk up the stairs and through the door. Then you will be in purgatory and your sentence will begin. Good luck.?
I got up from the chair and walked through the door. Behind me, I could hear the Yama say, ?Next.?
