Chapter 5
The Drabble of the Gavel, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, was sitting back in a chair - the very chair thrown at her during the show in fact. She was safe for now, as it was the intermission. Eki-sama was next to her enjoying some cotton candy. Shiki took this time to nurse her dented head. She was not sure whether the past half hour had been a success or not.
Yumemi sat down next to Shikieiki, putting an ice pack on her head. "Heya. Man, you really killed out there, didn't you? You're such a good sport about this." Yumemi laughed at her own words. Under normal circumstances, Shiki would have glared, but at this point she could only look at the strawberry professor.
Yumemi blinked a few times. "What is it Shiki-chan, is there a strawberry caught in my teeth?" She began moving her tongue to find the imaginary morsel of food.
Shikieiki shook her head, though it hurt a bit to do so. "Yumemi, what is fun?"
Stopping her search, the professor giggled. "My, what could possibly bring such a question up? You've had fun before! We've had fun..." She ran her fingers up Shiki's leg, causing her to blush again.
"Ah...N-no, that...that was different! This feeling I felt on stage, it felt so strange. My heart felt liberated from something! Is this the concept of fun you have all been talking about?
Yumemi stood back up. "...My god Shiki, you're are so CUTE! But anyway, I came here for a reason. You're off the hook."
Shiki looked up. "Eh?"
"I said you're free to go! Chiyuri's all better now, we can do our act now."
Shikieiki blinked. "But didn't you hemorrhage her skull? It's not so easy as to-"
"Nah nah, I'm fine! Look!"
To Shiki's disbelief, Chiyuri came running into the temple, feisty as ever. She looked at the energetic sailor's head, which was completely free of blood. All of a sudden the judge's pounding headache returned.
Yumemi, apathetic as always, continued. "So, you can just go to the crowd now. Since we put you through this, we'll even give you free front row seats! You and Eki-sama."
Shikieiki should have been happy to hear this, but she wasn't. If she loses this chance to experience fun, she may never be able to grasp it again. She has to keep this act, or else!
Before she could tell Yumemi this revelation, everyone heard a loud explosion behind them. The temple shook from the tremor.
"Whoa, what was that?" Shikieiki exclaimed.
Chiyuri saluted. "I'll check it out." She ran out the temple to scout the situation. A short time later, she ran back in. "Yumemi, it's terrible! Someone is wrecking the stage!"
"WHAT?!" Shikieiki and Yumemi both shouted at the same time.
Chiyuri nodded. "Yeah! And along with that, there's this girl with this strange power. She's exploding anything she can find, animate or inanimate!"
Shiki gasped. "Oh my god! Is everyone alright?"
Chiyuri waved her hand. "Oh yeah, she's just killed some PC-98 characters. But we have to do something before anyone important gets hurt!" The judge and professor nodded and everyone rushed out to confront the attackers.
Meanwhile, Eki-sama continued lapping up her cotton candy.
---
Chiyuri did not lie, the wooden stage was a wreck. If they couldn't fly, it'd have been hard to get on the stage, as the stairs were twisted and gnarled, and there were cracks all across the floor. Bodies of insignificant retconned characters lined the seats, while the rest of the audience had fled. The only person besides the three still around was a teary-eyed Byakuren, who was staring up at the stage lights, shaking her arms.
"You, why are you doing this? Why did you ruin my show?!" Byakuren shouted in between sobs.
A mysterious figure was perched on one of the stage lights, obscured by the fact that it too had shattered. Shikieiki couldn't quite make out who it was.
The figure spoke. "This isn't anything personal to you miss Hiziri, I'm just using you as an example for anyone who tries to overshadow me. Besides, you already have all your money, what do you care about how the show goes?
Byakuren cried more. "It's not just the money! I wanted to see humans and youkai gather in peace to watch a relaxing comedy!"
The figure scoffed. "So did I! Maybe next time you'll just leave the gathering to me."
Yumemi decided to be the one to take action. She thrust her finger at the figure on top of the stage light. "You who would ruin my show, reveal yourself!"
Obliging, the figure swooped down and gracefully landed on the ground. It was...
"Remilia Scarlet?! But why?" Everyone shouted in tandem like protagonists of a Saturday morning cartoon.
Reaching into hammerspace, Remilia pulled out a newspaper and shoved it in the trio's face.
"An...article?" Shiki, vaguely remembering this, took it from Remilia and read it. It was an advertisement for a party at the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
Remilia huffed. "My parties are ALWAYS the most popular in Gensokyo! So to find that not one person showed up, I just can't have that!"
Chiyuri was the one to talk this time. "But you've been the party center of Gensokyo for 7 years! Can't you share at all? Can't we all just get along?"
"No." Remilia stated in a flat tone.
Chiyuri whipped out her gun and pointed it at Remilia. "Alrighty, guess we'll just have to rough ya up!"
Remilia smirked. "How cute. I think it's time to get rid of you four. Come Flan, it's time to play~" She snapped her fingers, and a giggling girl tackled Chiyuri from behind, knocking Chiyuri's gun out of her hand.
"Yah!" Chiyuri squealed as Flandre yanked her hair. "Getemoffgetemoffgetemoooooooff!"
"Chiyuri!" Yumemi summoned her strawberry crosses. She twirled them around her head, ready to do battle. She turned to the frazzled temple owner. "Come Byakuren! It is time to kick some haughty ass!"
Byakuren brought up her hands. "What? Oh no, even in this situation, it would be wrong of me to intervene." She turned around and began making her way to a bar until this blew over. "Good luck though!"
Yumemi sighed and muttered "Damn hippies." Turning now to Shiki, who looked rather lost. "Well Shiki-chan, it's just us Phantasmagoria bosses. It's a match made in heaven!"
Shiki shook her head slowly. "No...no, I'm a judge, not a combatant. I am to remain neutral in all conflicts."
Yumemi put her free hand on her hip. "Shikieiki Yamaxanadu! Weren't you just telling me you wanted to have fun? Tsk, FINE, I'll be the hero of this story!" She leapt towards Remilia, who had kindly been waiting for them to finish squabbling. "Remilia Scarlet! In the name of science, I shall spank you!" Laughing, Remilia summoned her Spear the Gungnir and the two final bosses went at it.
It was a battle to behold. Chiyuri managed to kick Flandre off and summoned her bullshit boss attack, which not even an extra boss can hope to dodge. Flan playfully took the hits and crushed the attack with her eye of destruction. Yumemi and Remilia traded blows with their respective weaponry, cross countered by spear, aimed crosses dodged and retorted with Scarlet Meisters. A fight between four strong combatants, it could bring a tear to a poet's eye.
Yet Shikieki was not paying attention. She was muttering to herself. She was supposed to be the judge, yes, but why couldn't she think of the sin Remilia was commiting by ruining this show? She rubbed her head. It must have been that blow that Eki-sama had dealt her a while back. "Ooh, what am I to do?!" Shikieki threw up her arms. If she can't judge, what CAN she do?
"Neglect! NEGLECT!"
Speaking of Eki-sama... Shiki felt a tug at her skirt and peered down to come face to face with a stare that she had witnessed far too many times today. The yukkuri was holding up an empty cotton candy stick. Shiki sighed. "Please, not now Eki-sama. We're all a little busy."
Eki-sama stomped her feet. "NEGLECT!"
My, I wish it was so easy to be so selfish. She doesn't have a job that she is bound to do for all eternity...
"YEARGH! YOU FIEND!"
Shiki snapped back to attention to see Chiyuri and Yumemi tied together.
Shiki's jaw dropped. "H-how is it possible somebody defeated Yumemi?!"
Remilia laughed. "Oh, it was quite simple. I walled her with Vampire Illusion, because NOBODY can dodge that."
Shikieiki's eyes darkened. "That is a very dirty trick."
Remilia scoffed. "Well, what are YOU going to do about it? You're the JUDGE, you can't do anything to me. C'mon Flan, let's find a train track to tie these two to." She lifted the two teachers up, with Flan taking them up in front, humming a song about cakes.
Yumemi looked at Shiki with pleading eyes. "Shiki, please! Help me!"
Shiki had a sorrowful look in her eye. "But she's right, I am the judge. It is not my place to do anythi-"
"SHIKIIIIIIII!"
The judge blinked several times. She had never heard this kind of scream from Yumemi before. It was only then that it hit Shiki that if she did nothing, Yumemi and Chiyuri would be killed. Yumemi glared at Shiki as they began being pulled farther and farther away.
A strange feeling came over Shikieiki at this time. She looked at the two vampires pulling her love away from her, looked at Eki-sama, who was giving her an accusing stare as always, and down at the ground.
"I am the yama. It is not my place to intervene. However, there is no one else to help Yumemi. If I don't do anything, no one will. What can I..." Shiki came to a realization: She is NOT the judge right now. She is on leave. If there is ever a time to take advantage of this, it is now. She looked down at Eki-sama.
"Eki-sama, do you give me permission to extract cold justice on Remilia?"
Eki-sama continued to stare at Shikieki for a while. Then for the first time, Eki-sama gave her a smile. "Thou may!" Shikieiki smiled and noticed a discarded gun a ways away from her...
---
"93 bottles of blood on the wall, 93 bottles of blood! You take one down, guzzle it down, 92 bottles of blood on the wall!" Remilia was singing this tiresome old song to keep Flandre focused, lest she get bored and start blowing more stuff up. To Remilia's surprise, this scheme had been a resounding success. Considering she is the clear villain of a story that would belong in a children's cartoon, usually she'd be stopped by no-
CLICK
Remilia heard the distinct clicking of a gun behind her. Out of shock she lost her grip on Yumemi's arms, dropping her and therefore Chiyuri to the ground. Flan, unaware that she was no longer carrying anything, kept marching and singing.
"F-flan! Wait!"
"90 bottles of blood on the waaaaaaall~"
Sighing, Remilia turned around and looked up to see a very pissed off judge staring down at her. Remilia let off a smirk of pure charisma. "Hey Shiki, put that gun down, you might hurt someone."
In an uncharacteristically low voice, the yama said, "Like you?"
"Ah ha, very funny. I know how you yamas work. It is out of your power to cause violence towards others. In essence, you can't do anything against me! It's against your law!"
Shiki's eyes narrowed. "You talk to ME about law?" She held the gun to Remilia's forehead. Remilia's expression showed she realized she may have gone too far, but it was too late.
"BITCH. I. AM. THE LAW."
BANG