This looks interesting. Better approach this another way to see where this goes.
[attach=1]
Science isn't about WHY, it's about WHY NOT? Cave Johnson here, with yet another pre-recorded message to the psychologist that the bean counters told me to consult, at the possible expense of 5 years' salary (which amounts to lunch for two at a burger joint).
So the doctor told me I should make a recording on my favourite character. I wanted to make a home movie but she was not available, so I'll describe her as thus. Averge height, long blonde hair, and dressed like she came out of Hogwarts. Also tends to be involved in the main action a lot and likes brooms but doesn't know what Quidditch is. None of these are why I'm really talking about her, though; I just wanted to make sure the doc understands. Otherwise I'd have to record this again, which means more money goes from the science budget to silly 17mm film.
We absolutely love that style of going around life that she as. Yet I cannot see her as working for us at Aperture Science. We have a strict code of conduct and mandatory employee testing that ensure we get not only good people, but also those who obey the high-standing morals of the company. She is a bit too brash for that, I am afraid, and loves to do things without even thoughts of second consideration.
Even so, that doesn't mean we can't condone her demeanour and actions. I highly approve of her constant experimentations with various natural substances, some of which come with unintended results. But no matter! For her - and me - a small setback like that means we go back to the drawing board and try once again, regardless of the damages that arise. It's also good she's taken to stealing trade secrets from a local...uh...what is it called, cashmere? Pot-pourri? Something along those lines, whatever. Back to my point. She takes those secrets and uses them towards her own gains, never really stooping down to share to those who cannot understand it. That's exactly what I endorse as part of the Counter-Black Mesa Program (CBMP, see ?14.42 of the Aperture Science Employee Handbook), and at least in our case it's been an astounding success. I hope the same to hers.
I also remember she used to be some squire or apprentice for a phantom of sorts eons ago, back when everything was 16 colours on our computer screens. Then she quickly went her own way, allied with one of our contacts for
*classified* program, and since then has gone her own way for the most part, whilst helping a friend when she was in need. That, my friends, is a true role model. One who fights on his/her own grounds, never stepping back to surrender individual spirit in favour of power, and taking things with such a direct pace...all while staying cheerful and never stressed. I wish she uses that spirit to make a partnership with us, lest she fall into the hands of Black Mesa's *inappropriate slandering*...*cough, cough* ...pardon me, where was - ahh, yes.
Everyone says she might try and pursue some massive transformation process to further her own power. I
could approve, UNLESS it involves turning into
these harpie-things I've seen in some Do-Van-Kin game. If that so happens I will make sure
over my dead body that I'll take your crony arse down to ANDROID HELL -
*PR manager whispers in Cave's ear*
- I stand corrected. In her land the transformation doesn't make the user turn into...those things. In that case, let me know if you need some Metaporphisis Stimulants (Aperture Product #P00T1S) to help that out. (We take no liability for any side effects that may result.)
They also say she has quite a few...followers, but not the religious kind. I already went to detail about those way back when, so I won't repeat that now. What I do mean by that is that these followers of sorts have some romantic attachment to her. Now, according to tests we have done this usually means one of five things (Test #2845: Multiple Partnership Test of 1961):
- The main person is a cheating bastard
- " " " has magnets
- " " " is really Octopus Cave attempting to get more victims for his tentacle science (oh god no D:)
- The followers are blind mice or monks
- In rare cases, the followers are something Caroline calls "options", which is something from those space shooters she plays
But in our case here, we haven't seen any of these happening! In fact the official statements by all parties involved have not made any comments about this. So it can be concluded that all accusations of partnerships and devotees is for now null, and that all those reports were probably from tabloids published by silly mountain birds.
Well I will conclude by awarding her the "Legion d'Aperture Award For Individual Excellence"...if such a thing existed. Sorry, we had to cancel that five years ago due to budget problems - and because the accountants found out I used their computers to make those trophies (though they 100% deserve it). I'll make it up to you later, or Caroline will.
Cave Johnson, we're done - *cough* *wheeze* Caroline, please give me more pain pills. *cough* ...oh, I forgot I was talking to someone here! Very well....
Doctor, should your analysis prove ineffective for the accountants, I will make sure you psycho-analyse each and every single one of them for deficiencies in their commitment to real science. Don't worry, I'll help provide for the costs with the Third Eye Augment (Aperture Product #54T0R1, currently undergoing licensing negotiations with *classified*), which should open their thoughts without any effort.
...okay,
now I am done here.
