Author Topic: "Meaningless cuts"  (Read 1051 times)

Little Rumia

  • Personal Color
"Meaningless cuts"
« on: February 09, 2014, 05:55:25 AM »
Hello all, Little Rumia here with some snippets of the meaningless remains to tell. Some of you might recognize my writings, since I supposedly made a name somewhere. In any case, here are my little remains of roleplay posts I have created in fifteen minutes or less. Varying characters from originals to little devils. Please do offer constructive words if I do may improve myself. My writings have become very rusty over the years...

Excerpt from an incomplete Touhou oneshot.
Threads of blackness combined with a faded worn stick and tattered sleeves, the duo pulled off an imporptu dance which appeared more like a ritual than an out of hand dance. A brown shoe in tadem with a black one, their bodies side by side, arm motions and movements with their centres of gravity in opposite balance. Kicking off in their respective directions to seperate, the two used their spells and magic to create a visual that no known man would have seen in their life time.

Slips and needles trailed their owner, creating a slight sky trail, as the user was flying upon low ground.

"Why do I remember this, Rumia...?"

A thick darkness of black and red wafted and coiled upon the ground like oil, absorbed into it's main host..

"Not remember, Reimu. Rather..."

The duo closed the gap and now danced back to back, their arms up and swinging their powers in a wide arc, giving each other a wide berth as their respective powers clashed and complimented each other perfectly. Light and darkness. Yin and yang. One could not exist without the other. For that was the law of nature.

"It is what you feel..."

------

From a time of a little devil...
Where did she go wrong?

Maybe it was when she had taken care of the Voile alone for that week. Or maybe it was she had fallen asleep and the grimoire had taken her in that moment. Whatever it had been, it didn't matter now. Koakuma picked at the raw flesh of her burning chest, gritting her teeth at the sudden pain which shot all her nerve endings. Frankly, she was shocked on how her body wasn't screaming in pain and half dead. But eying the book she had in her lap right now... the little devil knew she was being transformed into something else.

Sitting alone in the Viole's massive shelves, Koakuma simply stared ahead to the massive glass window, letting the sunlight bask her broken body and give perhaps what was to be the final bit of natural warmth she would ever feel. It was strange. Her body was far too drained to be crying. She didn't even feel sad at all. Rather, her mind simply felt at peace. As if she had given everything and that was that. That she could rest...

Golden eyes slowly closed...

"Do... I have a name, Master?"

"Your name is..."

Koakuma then remembered she had forgotten her name. Her eyes opened just as slowly as the sunlight rays greeted her in a warm hello. They were calling out to her now, wanting to embrace her and never let go...

"No."

Tossing the reversal book away and unsteadily picking herself back up, Koakuma limped to the Voile's massive entrance doors to seek the one she wanted the most.

The book she had discarded lay there, on it's page describing a devil's grimoire.

-------

From a roleplay excerpt. Original character stumbling upon Mai.
Still not rightfully recovered and seeing stars in her eyes, the Whitelight construct stumbled clumsily out of the small house she had been left in, struggling to remember what her clothing looked like before completely failing altogether and leaving her bare naked, save the bandages which had been used to dress the heavy wounds she had been dealt.

And it was at that moment she heard rapid footsteps, as well as the dreaded "Hey Yhu!" being called.

Oh great, had her teacher come back from the grave to lecture her for the billionth time? Or maybe... well considering the fact she was in naked bandages, that most likely was a yes. Yhu Jin-Ah didn't give a crap as she leaned against the door of the house, her legs shaking weakly.

God, was she really this weak? It felt as if a parasite had been injected into her body, destroying it from the inside out. Unable to see straight or even talk, Yhu simply gave a hazed lame glance to the voice.

Mai was just in front of of the enigmatic woman, wanting to speak. However, surprised at her unstable movements and weak appearance, Mai was feeling a little too nice to beat her down to show she was one to be feared. Seemingly helpless, Mai wanted to assist the lady.

"Oh mai! Are you alright? What happened?"

 If the woman turned out to be a ferocious and dangerous villian, Mai was hoping her wings or her angellic appearance would be an escape plan.

Watching the girl wobble and suffer was a intimidating and frightening for Mai.

"...I'm Mai!" she spoke. "Mai err... well... I don't know my surname, but my name is Mai!"

Yhu had heard the girl the first time, but currently, her condition was in no shape to even walk. Ha. How pathetic she was right now. As weak as a normal human being. Feeling absolutely horrible and just plain sick, Yhu leaned heavier against the door frame as she averted her eyes, casting a down glance onto the floor. Giving a soft chuckle, Yhu groaned as her body slid down to the floor as she crumpled to an upright sitting position, completely drained from her constant fights. Unable to do anything else but watch, Yhu glanced up slightly as she made eye contact.

Blue on blue.

"M-Mai...? Does this mean you have a ponytail, a ribbon, and can also use a sword with ease?"

Of course, that did not mean her origin's memories made her crack a Key reference or two.

--------

And so far that is all for now. I must take a break but thank you for reading. u v u

capt. h

  • Only sane townie
Re: "Meaningless cuts"
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2014, 03:15:58 PM »
Sorry, I know you say you're known from somewhere else, but I actually have no idea who you are. Had to actually look through your post history to find out you're on facebook. There's no need to be coy you know; it's alright to just start with a fresh slate or outright put your facebook page link into your sig.

Anyway, strictly speaking, there's nothing wrong with your snippets, but by the same token, they're very short to make judgment on. I can't tell you how good or bad you are at developing a well rounded character I was introduced to less than 3 paragraphs ago, nor can I critique your ability to get the reader emotionally involved or tell humor.

In the last snippet, the point of view changes between Yhu and Mai repeatedly, which can be a little jarring. A lot of authors also prefer physical descriptions of what the characters look like when trying to get across their physical and emotional state; showing not telling. It's one thing to say someone looks tired and weak, it's another to say their arm was in a cast and there were huge bags under their eyes.

Please continue writing. You're pretty good at it.