Hello Sunday morning. Well, actually, it's still Saturday somewhere, so TECHNICALITY
Panic can make you do stupid things. It can make you see the most unusual, fantastic things, too.
I just want to reiterate, though – it can make you do stupid things. Like, really stupid.
God, I don’t even know how long it’s been since I came from the… well, this is a ‘real’ world, too, so I can’t exactly call mine ‘the real world’.
Hah. No, I don’t buy it. It’s got to be way longer than that. Feels like ages.
If you say so – I mean, I guess you’re right. Just feels like it’s been longer. Not like I actually plan on going back, anyways.
You’re right, of course. Not everyone is psychic.
Allow me to explain. It all started… a week and a half ago! Hah. Doesn’t sound that dramatic when it’s that short. Ah – well. That doesn’t have anything to do with the story. Moving on.
I’m a rarity, a special commodity. A girl, working in an express oil-change shop. Automobile maintenance and women are rarely ever found hand-in-hand, but lo and behold, there I was.
Because of how unusual it was, most of the customers took an instant liking to me and trusted me. ‘If a girl is going to do something so un-feminine, obviously she’s researching it and actually believes in what she’s talking about’ was undoubtedly the reasoning everyone – sorry, not everyone, there’s always the exception – thought. All I had to do was look under the hood of their car, pick a few things apart, find out what needed servicing, and tell the customer. Instant sale. On top of that, I could read people pretty easily. Just by looking at them, greeting them, I could know instantly how far I could push them – how much is too much, and what I could get away with by way of needing to offer discounts or just charging full price.
To the district manager, I was a godsend. Originally hired on by my brother, just because I needed a job, I helped bring his store up from high-end to flagship status. It wasn’t because of me, alone, of course – the other hood techs that I worked with (the swine) were good enough salesmen to keep the store on top. I just made it better.
So it wasn’t all that surprising when I got transferred to Paradise Falls. The store wasn’t suffering, but it wasn’t producing well, either. I figured, do my time there, bring the store up, and maybe I can get management – then I won’t have to do the grease-monkey work. Just sell the product, make the peons do the dirty work for me, make sure none of the idiots tear each other apart – among other managerial babysitting duties – and make sure the shop runs just like the well-oiled machines we service twenty, thirty times a day. Long hours, sure, but god
damn the pay is good.
All was well for the first month – just me, Mrs. New Assistant Manager, and Mike, the shop manager, running Paradise Falls.
I really should’ve done my research before accepting the transfer. Paradise Falls would be better renamed Paradise Fallen, Shot, Stabbed, and Then Had It’s Wallet Looted.
The reason the store wasn’t making as much money as my old one was almost stupidly simple – no one in the area drove, and those that did barely had any money to begin with. My potential opportunity for advancement had become a Catch 22.
Still, grin and bear it. Show the first sign of weakness and this company will never give me another opportunity – just another girl who thought she could twirl a wrench.
All that came to a crashing end one night – and in proper ironic fashion, this night was almost exactly like the countless other nights spent closing the store.
Mike was handling the office paperwork while I counted the till. Once I was done with the till, I would go out to the bays, where the computer was, and print out the reports after it had finished compiling them.
As soon as the door to the office clicked shut behind me I felt something was wrong. I tried to brush it off, and continued towards the computer.
“Bitch.”
What? Who… Oh, shit. Someone snuck in under the bay doors. We didn’t close them all the way so there’d still be some ventilation going through the bays, so they wouldn’t be stifling hot while we were doing the paperwork. This could be a problem.
Behind me, tucked in the shadows, opposite the office door, was a man. I couldn’t make out much of him – it was too dark with the circuit breaker for the overhead lights turned off. The only light I had was the wan lighting from the office window and the glow from under the doors.
It was still enough to see the gun in the guy’s hand. Thankfully, he wasn’t pointing it at me. Yet.
I tried to play it cool. “You’re not supposed to be in here. We’re closed.”
For the sake of our more sensitive audience, my new friends dialogue has been edited.
“Don’t care. Give me the money you got.”
“It’s already sealed up in a deposit bag. Only about a hundred bucks in the till here.” I pointed at the register under the computer. In hindsight, I should’ve said it was empty, and made him turn his back on me, go to the office. He would’ve turned his back on me, and I could’ve taken a wrench to his head.
He gestured at it with the gun. “Open it.”
“Doesn’t have to be me. It’s just a push-button spring drawer.” God, why did I keep telling the truth? Well, it turned out to have worked anyways.
He glared at me as he pushed past, heading to the till. I shot a glance at the office window, hoping Mike had looked out and spotted me, or wondered why I was taking so long, or – God forbid – heard someone talking in the bays.
Nope. Nose stuck to the paperwork. Useless.
As my robber-apparent put his back to me at the computer, a thought raced through my head. Time to punish him for seeing me as a pair of tits, just a girl – not a mechanic who’s earned the calluses and burns on my arms.
I grabbed the hose attached to the washer-fluid nozzle, used to refill washer basins under the hood of a car, and swung it over my head like a lasso. I let just enough slack out of it on its forward swing to smash it into the thief’s head.
With a slight spurt of fluid to herald a successful hit, it rebounded off his head and came coasting neatly back towards me. I couldn’t’ve planned it to happen better. The handle landed in my outstretched hand, and I brandished the hose at the thug as he tried to turn to face me.
With a shout – mostly to alert Mike, but also to try to frighten the dirtbag in front of me – I put my finger over the nozzle and hit the trigger. The spray shot out and doused the thug as he brought his gun up to bear.
I nearly dropped the hose when he fired; the noise scared me, and I wasn’t expecting him to fire a reflex shot. The noise, however, alerted Mike, who looked up through the office window.
May Mike die a thousand deaths; the persistently useless slime – well, no. I take that back. Calling him slime would be an insult to bacteria everywhere – jumped up and bolted for the front door, abandoning me to my fate.
The thief started to push his way through the ceaseless spray of washer fluid I was dousing him with. He groped for the hose, trying to wrench it from my hands. I let him take it, pulling a wrench that had – thankfully – been abandoned on the hose-rack and clipped him in the face with it.
He yelled and spun around from the blow, slipping and falling because of the now-wet floor. I thanked my work-safe boots for not delivering me to the same fate.
I stepped over him, kicking his gun away as best I could, and dashed for the computer podium. Mike always left his keys there – I could use them and get the hell out of here and never come back and tell the regional manager to stuff it.
Sure enough, Mike’s keys were sitting there. I snatched them and dropped to the ground as the thug started to crawl towards his gun.
As he grabbed it, I rolled under the barely-open bay doors and jumped out of his line-of-sight, being careful not to let my shadow show where I was. I dashed for the line of cars parked behind the shop, hammering the buttons on Mike’s keyfob to make his car unlock.
With a chirp, it yielded to me, and I jumped in as I heard the bay doors rattle. The larger body of the thug had bumped the aluminum doors, and they made a loud racket.
Problem. Mike’s car was a manual transmission, and I didn’t know how to drive it. Oh well – turn it on and figure it out on the go, I thought.
Later, I would remember that you have to hold the clutch to turn on a manual. In my panic (remember, stupid things) I forgot, so I was stuck useless trying to crank the engine over and noisily giving my position away. The thug rose up and stalked towards the cars, clutching the side of his face.
Good. The wrench hurt. Eat it.
Bad. He was still coming towards me. Thankfully, he wasn’t brandishing the gun – I guess he was waiting till he was closer so he wouldn’t waste his bullets on shooting blindly without any depth-perception.
He got up to the door and started to bring the gun to bear. I kicked the door open as hard as I could, bowling him over.
That’s what you get for seeing me as just a woman. I’ve got PLENTY of fight in me, you sonovabitch!I lunged for the passenger side of the car and tumbled out.
Once more – panic. Stupid things. And, most importantly,
tumbling.
My ankle twisted out from under me.
Fuck. Just what I need. I could almost
hear my odds of getting away safely laughing at me as they dwindled. I searched my pockets for anything I could use as a weapon, something to throw – but all I had were my wallet and cellphone. Maybe he’d be distracted by my wallet, and no way in hell was I going to pitch my wonderful cellphone at anything or anyone.
God, save me… I know it’s kind of blasphemous and selfish to pray for help when I – what the hell?A purple fog had coalesced in front of me, and then sucked itself into a thin line. It looked like a thick piece of thread with two red ribbons, one on either end.
The thread opened up impossibly into an oval, and a white, gloved hand lunged out and grabbed the collar of my shirt. A blonde head followed the arm, and the woman looked up at me. I was too busy staring at the hand on my neck and the white beret on her head to notice that she was looking me up and down.
“Hmm. Female. Not what I need, but from the looks of things, you’d be best off coming with me. You are now officially dead to this world, young lady. But you are not yet dead.”
I blinked and looked her in the eyes now. Somehow, she wasn’t supporting her self on anything, but she still managed to lift me up and drag me through the air as she sank back into the purple oval she’d come from.
I blacked out before I hit the swirling cloud of purple.
That was my last day in the mundane, human world. Here, though, I’ve been changed. The nature of this place – Gensokyo – will change you if you’re different enough. Turns out my ability to read people means I was a latent psychic back in the human world. Here, it’s been developing steadily since I got along, and now I’m even more receptive to the thoughts of those around me.
Anyways! That’s jumping ahead. Back to where we left off, after of course I wake back up. Describing me being unconscious wouldn’t be very interesting, after all.
“Aaaaaaugh!”
Despite being a ‘mechanic’, I didn’t have a very manly scream. In fact, it’s best classified as a wail. A kind-of-high-pitched yell. My apologies to anyone who may have sensitive hearing, much like a cat.
Yeah. Still haven’t said sorry to Chen for that. ‘Course, I didn’t know who Chen was at the time.
First I saw of her was when she dashed out of the room, knocking over a small table. Unfortunate, that was, because it apparently had some food on it that was destined for me. I didn’t initially notice the tails trailing behind her.
“Ah!” The white-capped blonde from before watched as the sub-table toppled over, and the tray on it spilt.
I sat upright and gasped for air.
The blonde looked back at me calmly. “Good morning. You would do yourself a large favor if you went ahead and assumed that everyone in the human world thought you were dead.”
I gaped at her. A random woman who made me black out while I was running for my life was telling me I was dead.
“…what?”
“You’re in a realm that exists parallel to your own. You won’t be able to get back without someone helping you. There are only a few people who actually have the ability to help you, and I’m one of them. In my opinion, you shouldn’t try to return. Not immediately, at least – the man I saved you from wasn’t just a random street-thug. He was a low-ranking member of a particularly large gang in your area – but not low enough to be punished for failing to rob you. The gang is on the lookout for you, and you’ll have many unsavory things in your future if they find you, and then the myth of your death will become a reality.
“You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you need, but don’t bother with your original clothes. They won’t fit in here, and I’ve already disposed of them. Your possessions are safe.”
“…what? Hang on. Wait. Who are you?” First order of business – interrogate the person who saved your life. Say it with me now –
panic makes you do stupid things.“I am Yukari Yakumo, Sage of the Youkai, and custodian to the Hakurei Barrier. Now, you know who I am. May I ask who you are?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. It would’ve probably been more intimidating if I weren’t naked. “Sara Fransisca Xiao. Call me Esifex – it’s my initials.”
“Esifex, huh. Welcome to Gensokyo. It’s your home for now – and you’d best deal with it. I’m going to prepare you something to eat – you’ve been out for a day.”
With that, she left. I sank back down, and noticed I wasn’t in a bed of any kind. Some kind of cushion – a futon, it’s called. Thankfully it came equipped with a blanket, though.
What the hell? Am I in Japan or something? I took a deep breath and tried to relax, doing my best to absorb everything I’d just been told. My nudity wasn’t making it easy, though – I felt vulnerable. I pulled the blanket up and fastened it around my chest, toga-style, and got up. Gotta be something around here to wear.
Sure enough, as though this Yukari had planned for me to go a-wandering, there was a single outfit hanging from what looked like a coat-hook pole. A red blouse, yellow ribbon-bowtie around the neck, a black belt and a red skirt, and atop the pole was a green beret. Looks like what that girl who ran off when I woke up was wearing.
I pulled the blouse and skirt on, but opted to leave the hat behind. Never really liked hats much unless they were light. I wouldn’t be able to wear it as well as Chen, anyways.
Wait a second. How’d I know that name?
What the hell is going on here?I froze in the middle of the room, suddenly tensing up and alert. Tae Kwon Do classes that I took when I was eight – nearly a decade and a half ago, by God they’re probably useless to me now – started flitting through my head as I ran myself through a situational checklist. I felt like I was going to be jumped at any second.
I recognize the name ‘Gensokyo’. I know who Chen is. I feel like there’s more about what’s going on that I know, that I SHOULDN’T know.I undid the buttons holding the sleeves tight to my shoulders. I didn’t want any restricted range of motion. Looking around, I grabbed the hat off the pole and let it rest on my head, not pulling it down tight. I imagined it looked silly, with my long hair in a ponytail and it just barely sitting on my head. I wanted it light so I could snatch it off my head and throw it as a distraction if I had to.
Footsteps were approaching. Sounded like bare feet on the wooden flood. I forced my body to relax as best I could, but kept my mind racing.
A tall, pale woman came through the open door, bearing another tray similar to the one that had been knocked down. Behind her, I could see a mass of fur. A forgotten voice in my head – akin to instinct – told me that it was actually nine tails, and this was a demi-god ‘Kitsune’ standing before me. That same voice told me this, then made absolutely certain I knew better than to try to piss the kitsune off.
“Ran!” I blurted. Again, a name I knew that I shouldn’t have.
Ran blinked. “Yes. Did Yukari tell you I was coming?”
“…Yeah. Is that for me?” I gestured at the tray and the small bowl on it. Despite my attempt to distract her with my hand motions, she noticed the wild look in my eyes.
“Calm down. Humans are protected in Gensokyo. And besides – you’ve been unconscious for a day. If we were going to attack you, kill you, eat you, whatever you’re afraid of, we would’ve done it already.”
“So you say, I’ve been out for that long.”
Idiot! Idiot! IDIOT! DON’T BACKTALK HER!Instead of taking offense, she just grinned. “Then I guess you’ll just have to take our word for it. I imagine you’re hungry?” She held the tray in one hand like a waitress, and lifted the bowl off it, offering it forwards.
A small chorus of voices in my head started screaming at each other. Run! Fight! Kill! Hide! Eat! Sleep!
A voice in my stomach started to contribute to the cacophony in my mind, and the ‘Eat’ suggestion won. I reached forward and took the bowl, bowing my head – I hoped the gesture looked gracious, but I didn’t want to look into her yellow eyes. They were creepy as hell.
“There aren’t any solids in it. Drink the soup at your own pace, but drink it slowly. You’ll –”
I held my hand up, forestalling her cautionary lecture. “I’ll cramp my stomach and clog up my system. I’m a little bit learned in the workings of the human body, though I thank you for the caution and concern. May I leave the room?”
Ran shook her head. “No. You may not. One of us will be back shortly. It may be me, Yukari, or another one, named –”
“Chen.” I interrupted her again. Still had a bunch of ‘stupid’ left over to use up, it seemed.
Ran stared at me intently, one eyebrow twitching upwards just barely. “Yes. I suppose Yukari explained more to you than I thought.”
I shrugged at her and tipped the bowl to my lips. It was warm and bitter, slightly salty tasting. Could’ve sworn I tasted mushrooms in it, too.
Ran stepped out of the room, keeping her eye on me as she went. I barely noticed her multitude of tails twisting and wrapping around each other as she lead herself through the door.
I nursed the bowl of soup for about two minutes. Despite her warning – and the fact that I really did know better – I couldn’t help but drink the soup quickly. Holdover habits from working in that damned oil-change shop; if you didn’t eat fast, you didn’t eat at all. Customers had a nasty habit of knowing when you got lunch and would come piling up in the bays. Food never had a long life expectancy around me anymore.
As time crawled on and I was left alone for God-knows-how-long, my thoughts began to dwell on the reality I’d left behind. Surely my brother – and by extension, the rest of my family – had been told by now via Mike (if he’d returned to report in that Paradise Falls had been robbed) that I was ‘dead’.
The thought of my brother grieving over me, combined with what would undoubtedly be insurmountable imagined guilt for having been the one to get me into that job in the first place, was depressing. He shouldn’t have to go through that. It wasn’t fair.
I examined the room I was in, and noticed that the things I had in my uniform pocket were lined up neatly next to the futon I’d been rest in. Wallet, cellphone, two pens, a Sharpie magic marker, and a rag. The first two, definite keepers. Might keep the pens and Sharpie.
The rag was getting lost first chance I got, of course.
I slid my phone up, opening it up. Still had a full bar of battery charge – no one ever called me, and I didn’t have texting, so I never actually used the battery power except for playing music. I fired up one of my playlists to occupy myself while I sat there and flipped through my wallet.
Things I wouldn’t need any more… Folding money, library card, Librarian Assistant I.D., driver’s license, GameStop, Amazon, Barne’s and Noble’s, and B. Dalton discount cards, a credit card.
The sheer absurdity of actually stopping and realizing - just how nerdy it was that I had a videogame store, and three bookstores’ discount cards to a single credit card – hit me like a ton of bricks. Stuck in a world, trapped away from home with no immediate prospect of getting back, and I’m thinking about bookstores?
I’d rather have an Xbox 360. Never managed to get one, though, so I guess I won’t ever be getting one now.
Like Yukari said, though, at least I’m still alive. Being alive somewhere foreign is better than being dead at home.
The music on my cellphone clicked over to a piano/violin duet. I passively IDed it in my head as ‘Clockwork, Lunar Dial’ by TAM.
Wait.
Lunar Dial. That song was an arrange of a theme-song of a character in a game called Touhou. Sakuya Izayoi, if I wasn’t mistaken.
Sakuya, a resident of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, in Gensokyo.
I clicked my phone shut, turning the music off in the process. “No fucking way. Oooooh, fucking no. Just, no. You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
I fell to a sitting position with a complete lack of decorum and stared at the ceiling. Work had been eating too much of my time for me to bother with any of my former social or recreational habits; I’d completely forgotten about Touhou and Gensokyo in the course of the past five months.
I was chuckling deliriously to myself when I realized I heard Yukari’s voice coming down the hallway towards me.
“…ably a dreamwalker, like that Maribel girl in Japan. Otherwise… ha. Maybe she’s actually one of Ota’s fans. Either way…”
She stepped around the corner, rounding through the door and looking down at me.
“Yukari Yakumo. Sage of Gensokyo, also known occasionally as the Reality of Gensokyo. You work with the Hakurei Maiden on a fairly regular basis. Your shikigami is Ran Yakumo, who has a shikigami of her own, Chen. The three of you live together in Mayohiga among the mountains.” I didn’t ask.
She blinked at me. “That is correct. Tell me, how do you know all that?”
I laugh to myself a little. Okay, I really laughed a lot. I was delirious at the time.
“Do you know what ‘Touhou’ means?”
“Eastern Paradise. It’s also the stories set up by a friend of mine to help spread belief of this realm, to help empower it.”
I giggled. “I thought Gensokyo was supposed to be a Paradise for the Disbelieved? Wouldn’t actually ‘believing’ in it have an adverse effect?”
Yukari shook her head. “Not that the exact workings of the barrier will concern you, ever, but it is strengthened by belief that it exists. Everything
inside the barrier takes shelter here from the actual adverse effects of being disbelieved. You have it backwards.”
This is too much. I share my opinion with them. “This is too much.”
“Nonetheless, it is fact. Deal with it.”
I get a sudden mental image of Yukari commanding me to ‘deal with it’ while glaring at me through dark sunglasses. I giggle some more.
“Well. Yeah, I can try that. But for now, I think I’m going to go absolutely
insane. Can I go outside so I can scream some more?”
Ran snickers. “Better out than in. In both cases here, outside the house and out of her.”
Yukari narrows her eyes at me, and one of her portals slips open beside her. She turns to step into the portal, but continues facing me.
“Cast off your name. It’ll do you no good here.”
I blink. “What? Why?”
“There’s already a Sara of renown in Gensokyo. Go by your initials.” With that, she disappears into the portal.
“Hey! Wait! Why can’t we both have the name ‘Sara’?” I call after her, leaning forward till I have to support myself ‘on all fours’ style. Yukari doesn’t answer; instead, the ribbons slip shut and the portal vanishes.
Ran gestures to me, beckoning me. “Come, I will lead you outside. I recommend you don’t wander too far from the estate; the wilderness here is very feral, very wild. Not at all tamed or defeated like the nature of your outside world.”
I rise to my feet mindlessly and follow her. “So does she do this often? I mean, yank people from the real world and just dump them in Gensokyo?”
Ran sighs. “How much do you know about Gensokyo? Wait. Don’t bother; I’m not really interested. Yes, she does. There aren’t many humans here, and to keep a good selection of sturdy breeding stock available, to avoid in breeding, she pulls a selection of people through every few generations. Or every few weeks for her amusement. In your case, she was looking for more ‘breeding stock’.”
“And I’m guessing you’ve already reached your quota for women, then.” I look around as we pass through the house. Very plain, but comfortable nonetheless.
“Exactly. Yukari saved you, though, because of the situation you were in. Among other reasons.”
As I followed Ran, her tails mesmerized me; wrapping around each other, braiding through each other, or wriggling their way free of the large mass of fur. I reached out towards them, slowly closing the distance.
“You’ve got so many tails. They look so fluffy… and you’ve got fox ears, right?”
I pinch onto the tip of one of her tails, only grasping fur. She looks over her shoulder at me, feeling the restriction, and curls her tails against her back, plucking the captured tail free. I look up at her head; resting atop her golden-yellow hair is a poofy white and blue hat with two streamers coming off it.
“I do. And yes, they are… ‘fluffy’. Don’t pull on them, it hurts when you yank hairs out.”
“Do you have human ears too?!” I blurt out, practically hopping in place behind her as we reach the front door.
She just stares at me as she opens the door and steps aside politely. “I think you had some screaming to do?”
A blur of motion, a slight sensation of pressure, and suddenly I’m outside. She calls out behind me as I stumble to a halt halfway through the small courtyard, “Chen and I both have sensitive hearing. If you need to scream, please do so alone and away from the estate.”
The door closes. Well, nothing better to do but stop, think, and let it all come crashing down on me.
I scream.
I don’t know how long I was standing on the lawn, screaming at the sky, hollering at the Gods, cursing my fate and the unfair situation my brother had to go through. I never actually looked at the clock on my cellphone to see when I started; I just know that the sun was already on it’s way toward setting when I started, and it had completely disappeared behind the mountains when I finished.
I sank to my knees, and then fell over backwards. My voice was hoarse and my throat hurt now. Luckily, I felt a lot less stressed out. Crying was like vomiting, for the soul. Gets the yucky stuff out of you.
“Feeling better?” I ask.
What?
I pop my head up.
Yukari’s dress is standing before me, but wearing it is… me.
“I do
not sound like that.” I look her up and down.
Poofy white dresses are
not my thing. And I do
not sound like that. Do I?
“When’s the last time you’ve recorded yourself and listened to it? How do you know what you really sound like?”
I remain silent. Truth be told, she had a point.
“Give me your cellphone.” She’s not asking me.
I fish it out of my pocket and hand it over. “I’m glad I’ve still got a full charge on it. I suppose finding a reliable source of electricity will be difficult here.”
Yukari-Me glances up at me as she fiddles with the slide-open phone. “Not really. Which one is your next-of-kin?”
“What?” I blink. “Uh. My brother. He’s speed-dial ‘2’. You know how to use a cellphone?”
Without looking up at me she waggles the phone. “Samsung Trance. I don’t live
only in Gensokyo, you know. Aren’t you going to ask how I ended up looking and sounding like you?”
I let out a single laugh. “Yukari, I know enough about you already to know that reality doesn’t apply to you. Am I seriously getting signal here? I didn’t even look, I just assumed I wouldn’t.”
“You won’t. I will, though. Like you said, reality doesn’t apply to me.” She held down a button – I presumed it was ‘2’ – and then put the phone to her ear.
The look in her eyes demanded that I remain perfectly silent lest she murder me to death. I remain silent.
“Chris!” she says suddenly. How does she know his name?
“No! No, listen – shut up for a sec, will ya?” What the hell!? She’s even talking like me now?
“Look – shit happened at Paradise. Did Mike tell you?” WHAT?! How does she know all these names?! How does she know who Mike is?
“Yeah. Paradise Fallen sucks ass, man. Anyways, I get one call before they have to turn off my phone – I’m in witness protection now. I – hey – shut up, I know – shut up! I know it sucks. Look, tell Mom and Dad, okay? And if Mike thinks I got shot, the better. He’s shit at holding his tongue. Turns out the waste of flesh who tried to rob us is part of the Bulldogs, and not just a bottom-rung gangbanger. I gave him a good whack in the head and pretty much made a mockery of his thievery skills, but because – will you stop trying to interrupt me, dammit? Because of the gang-related nature of the crime, blah blah blah, cop mumbo-jumbo, the Paradise Falls P.D. is assigning me to witness protection and relocating me. I can’t tell you where I’m going or who I’ll be, and I won’t be allowed to contact you or anyone else I know – or should say knew – until like, God knows when.”
She falls silent for a few seconds while Chris talks to her. Fuck! Let me talk to him! I want to talk to him, dammit! He’s MY brother!
“Yeah, no. No, you can’t tell anyone else I’m in W.P. Just Mom and Dad. And the same goes for them. They’re not even allowed to tell each other after you tell them. I just wanted you all to know I’m okay.”
More silence. I want to cry. I want to talk to Chris.
“Yeah. Tell ‘em I love ‘em. This kinda sucks, but it’s also kinda cool at the same time. You know how much I hated Florida. Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll take me somewhere completely else. I mean, you know how gangs are – all big and huge and have territory from like, state to state. I get to travel now! … Yeah. I know. I’ll miss you – but not much. Hah!”
I turn around and pace away. I run my hands across my head, knocking the beret off and tousling my hair, chewing on my lip and desperately trying not to make a sound. A choked off cry of anguish threatens to leap from my throat, though.
“…Yeah. Later, man.”
Click. The phone was slid shut; she hung up.
I don’t remember falling to my knees, but there I was, wailing in agony. God, why didn’t I actually think to ask her WHY she looked like me?! Why did I just hand my phone over? I should’ve demanded to talk to Chris! I would’ve gone along with a script. I could’ve sold the act! Hell, I love acting! And as long as I could’ve spoken to him, actually heard his voice, been the one to reassure him that I was okay, I would’ve been happy, would’ve been fine with having to cut off contact for a while.
I fall over forward, then onto my side and curl up. Yukari walks over to me; somehow, she’s back into her regular body.
She tucks my phone back into the pocket it came from, conveniently exposed to the sky as I lay. “Come inside whenever you’re ready.” She turns and disappears back into her estate.
You know, me lying in the leaves crying and sobbing isn’t really exciting. Let’s skip ahead!
To my complete surprise, Yukari had power outlets in her home. After charging my phone back up and putting together a care-package for me, she was finally sending me on my way, three days later.
Leaving the shelter of her home to fend for myself didn’t seem like a grand idea, especially from what I remembered of the backstory of Gensokyo. I could only hope the vaguely defined spellcard rules were accurate – or at least the parts about ‘no human-eating’. Of course, that only applied to sentient youkai, not wild animals.
This thought reminded me that I was currently defenseless, and I brought it up with Yukari.
“Oh? You seemed to fair pretty well against that gangster with just your wits. And he had a gun, to boot.”
It’s hard to resist the urge to roll your eyes when it hits you, I learned. “I’d rather err on the side of caution and just assume that I got as far as I did because I knew my way around the darkened shop better than he did, and I knew what tools could be used and how. I need some way to defend myself – do you have any spellcards that a regular human like me could use?”
“I do, but remember; carrying spellcards also opens you up to duels. Would you rather have something to carry, instead?”
Oh. Weaponry. Oh oh! This is Yukari – she can pull whatever she wants from nowhere.
“You know… If you could get me the full Beastmaster Set from World of Warcraft, and that one Legendary tier bow from Ice Crown, that’d give me both offensive and defensive protection.”
“You can use a bow and arrow?”
I stop and think. Yeah, Dad’s taken me to the archery range a few times with him, and I liked shooting, but I sucked. Badly.
“Ah, yeah. That’d be the hard part. How about… the Cobalt crafted set of plate armor and a good sword-and-shield?”
Yukari snickered. “I find it amusing that you’re using a video game as a reference for this, but I do suppose it’s as good a resource as any. I’m surprised you didn’t ask for something that would’ve given you powers – Raising Heart comes to mind.”
Oh, God. Yukari watches anime – and Lyrical Magical Nanoha, to boot.
I realize my folly after Yukari conjures the armor up for me; without any proper underclothing to it, it was designed to look like a chain mail bikini on females. The under-armor had a good solid build to it, but it was see-through.
I think I’ll keep this outfit I inherited from Chen. Every good WoW player keeps a good shirt item for just this occasion.
After putting it on, I present myself to Yukari once again. “There! Ready for my journey, now.”
She blinks at me. “Journey?” she asks. “What journey?”
I pull the helmet off and tuck it under my arm. “I thought the whole reason I had this bundle here was so I could get out of –”
I look around and notice, mid-sentence, that we’re no longer in Yukari’s house, and instead atop a small hill overlooking a massive expanse of fields.
Take that, physics. Yukari, one; reality, zero.
“Just beyond those fields is the human village. I hope you’re ready to make yourself useful as a defender, with that get-up.” Yukari chuckles at me – undoubtedly I do look a little ridiculous.
“It’ll give me something to do, then. A way to pay for room and board.”
“Good. Looks like you’ve got your head screwed back on right. If you need to charge your phone, I’ve put my contact number in your list. Give me a call and I’ll charge it for you.”
“I thought I wouldn’t get signal in Gensokyo?” I fished through the bundle for the phone, producing it easily. Sure enough, no signal.
“You won’t. It’ll still connect to my phone, though, and you can still use it to listen to your music. Take care of it.” Yukari has a cellphone. Genius.
I look down at the phone. My only remaining piece of technology. Well, according to Yukari, electricity wasn’t actually rare here. Maybe I’ll be able to pick up some other tokens to help me stay sane. Can’t go all Wilderness-Girl instantly, you know.
“Right, I’ll – dammit.” Yukari had left once again while I was distracted. I swear, she’s just like the goddamned Batman. ‘Look! A distraction!’
Nothing better to do than shuffle off towards the village, then.
Now, lemme ask you something – have you ever been frightened so much you could’ve sworn you’d jump out of your skin? Only to have it turn out to be completely harmless?
Hush. Anyways – I’d been walking for about twenty minutes in the direction Yukari pointed, and had set my phone up to play a few songs for me; at this point, I was bored of admiring the scenery and had taken to rummaging through the care-package I had. I wanted to read the spellcards I’d been given.
Flipping through them, I noticed a certain sense of humor between each card, from Yukari. They were all based on ‘prot’ spec Warriors from World of Warcraft. Devastate, Shield Slam, Shield Wall, Last Stand, Shockwave.
I chuckled to myself as I shuffled them, meaning to stuff them back in my pouch.
“What’s so funny?”
“MIGHTY FUCK!” I scream, scattering the cards into the air and jumping in shock.
“Whoa! Language, young lady! Words like that shouldn’t come from a girls’ mouth. Although, judging by the sword on your waist, you’re no lady.”
Too startled to initially take offense at this blow to my femininity, I look around for the source of the voice.
“VIRGIN MARY MOTHER OF JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?!” I holler – apparently my volume was turned up to eleven – as I jump away from the fanciful hat at my elbow.
Right – hats. Gensokyo is full of ‘em – probably has more hats than people. This one was a black sun hat with a yellow ribbon wrapped around it, tied in a bow. The yellow and black tunic the girl wore was surrounded by… a heart-wire? No, just a tendril wrapping around itself in the shape of a heart.
I frantically scoured my memory for anyone in Gensokyo who matched this description, but sadly I was very far behind on my times. I’m lucky I knew who Yukari was – the only games I’d actually played were Imperishable Night and Perfect Cherry Blossom (and have never beaten either one successfully, much to my dismay).
I drop my pouch, letting it swing to my side on its sash, and draw the sword. “I’ll have you know, I don’t fight with danmaku or spellcards – uh, yet – so if you attack I’ll have to defend myself!”
The white-haired girl with the silly grin on her face stared at me for a second. “…Ha ha! No, you won’t. Well, you won’t, ‘cause I’m not gonna attack you, but two, because you’re holding that sword all wrong. Are you going to slash the flat of the blade at me?”
I look at the sword in my hands. Sure enough, I’m holding the sword with the sharp edge pointing off to my left, perpendicular to how I’m standing.
I roll the sword in my hands to face her properly. “Bad moment. Caught me off guard.”
Beat.
“And you’re not actually attacking me. Or so you say. I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t sheathe this immediately.”
“Not at all. Will it help me earn your trust if I help you gather up all your spellcards?” she asks.
“Well, if you tell me your name, that’ll help too.” I lower the sword, and let go of it with both hands, letting it hang in my right hand. I need to think about strapping the shield onto my forearm before the next time I potentially get into a fight.
And bloody hell, this shit is heavy! How in hell those human females manage to keep such huge boobs while lugging all this heavy-ass plate armor around is beyond me.
“Koishi Komeiji. Pleasure to meet you, Miss…?” She trailed off, allowing me to fill in the blank.
“Hmm. Well, apparently I can’t use my real name here, so you should just call me ‘Esifex’.”
She stoops over and gathers up a handful of the cards I’d tossed about in my panic (once again: stupid things are done whilst in a panicked state, y/n?). I stab the sword into the ground – in what I hope is a suitably dramatic, and not-uncertain-in-the-slightest-because-I-really-don’t-know-why-I-asked-for-a-sword fashion – and start to pick up what Koishi doesn’t.
“I’m afraid I’ve heard your name, but I don’t know much about you.” Attempt at conversation number one. Let’s see how this turns out.
“Heard of my name? Funny. I’ve never heard of you, nor do I know anything about you.”
“And yet you had no problem coming right up to hang off my elbow practically and scare the living bajeebus out of me.”
“You have bajeebus living inside you? You should get that looked at.”
“Har, har. Still… Those wires wrapping around you seem kinda familiar. Are they…?”
She stands up and turns to face me, revealing the floating eye suspended over her heart, connected by all the wires. The lid is closed.
“They’re attached to me, yeah. And my Third Eye.” She tugs lightly at one of the tendrils, making the floating eye bob up and down slightly.
“Third Eye! Hmm…”
I pull my phone out and start fiddling with it, paging through my music library. I find the song I’m looking for and start to play it – Ego Decay.
“Does this sound like anything to you, particularly?” I ask, hold the speaker out to her so she can hear it clearly.
“Sounds like music.”
“Hey, got it in one. But the singer – give it a second, she’ll start up in a second.”
Sure enough, the vocalist for the song begins singing. The original basis behind the song was one of the Komeiji sisters extolling the… virtues of not overstepping her social circles and over-reaching herself. I couldn’t remember which sister was which, though.
Koishi listens intently, while idly holding the sheaf of spellcards out for me. As I take them, she snaps her fingers. “That actually sounds a lot like gibberish!” she says.
I let both my hands just drop limp. Really? This girl is… a little unscrewed. Of course, to be fair, the song
is in Japanese. “Had to get my hopes up, didn’t you?”
Wonder why she’s not curious about the cellphone. Does she have one, too? Is there a cellphone tower somewhere in Gensokyo that I just haven’t spotted yet?
“Well, I really don’t know why you’re letting me listen to it. That’s an interesting little music box you have, though. Never heard one sing before, though I can’t say if that’s singing or just… gibberish. But if you REALLY want to hear some music – well, live music, at least – the human village is planning a festival soon! You should come by. I’m going! I go every year.”
I shrug, and tuck the spellcards into my pouch – successfully, this time. “May as well, right? Good a time as any. It’s where I’m headed, regardless.”
She looks me up and down as I fetch the sword I stabbed into the ground.
Don’t forget to wipe the blade off of dirt, I remind myself. I forget what show or anime it was that I saw where someone made it a point to carry a piece of cloth specifically to clean their blades so they don’t stick in their sheaths.
Or is this a scabbard? Ah, well. I don’t know. I do know, however, that she’s making me a little uncomfortable with how she’s staring at me.
“You sure you’re going to be received well at the human village? There’s something a little… off, about you.”
“You’re one to talk. What do you mean?”
I blink and look around, confused.
I rub the side of my head. “Yeah, you don’t have to be so loud, either.”
Koishi nodded. “Yeah, the humans here can’t hear that. It’s called ‘telepathy’.”
I wave my hand at her lazily. “Yeah, it’s part of psychic powers and stuff. That’s what your Third Eyes are for, right? For perceiving intention and will of those around you?”
Shake, shake, the ribbon on her hat waves at me as she shakes her head. “Nah. Close, though.”
The slightest movement from the Eye catches my attention. As I stare at it, I noticed the lid start to quiver.
It splits open just barely, and Koishi disappears.
Immediately I draw my sword (properly) and brandish it in front of me. “Okay, stop screwing with my head, please. I don’t appreciate it.”
She reappears in front of me, right where she disappeared. “It’s okay, it’s not like I’m going to challenge you to a duel. You said you don’t use danmaku. Just wanted to see if it’d work on you.”
From jobless, to hood tech, to assistant manager, to thugbait, to wandering swordswoman, to guinea pig. Impressive chain in the past two months, no doubt. Have experience, willing to relocate, contact by mail as there are no cellphone towers in Gensokyo. I think.
“I guess yeah, it did. What did you do?”
She shrugged. “I can’t really explain it, to be honest. I kinda convinced your subconscious that I wasn’t here anymore, but you knew I’d been here and was still here so it worked halfway on you. I don’t think you’re a human – or at least, not one of the humans from here.”
“I come from a long and illustrious line of psychics and magicians and warlocks and other fanciful things. Not really.”
Her grin grows a little wider – no, it grows sillier. It can’t get any wider. “You’re weird.”
“You’re one to talk. So, take me to this village, then.”
“I guess I could. You seem interesting enough, anyways.”
I live to please. Perhaps I could paint my face and feet red, and walk around on my hands all day. Would that be interesting, too?
“Appreciate it,” I say instead.
So now you know how I got here – but what do you think I’ve done since then? Surely I haven’t just sat around, right? Right!
Never alone when you’re involved. Can I tell the story?
Now, it’d be rude to just walk into the village and hang around without anything better to do. I had to make myself useful somehow! Koishi here didn’t hang around. She doesn’t like to stay in one place for very long.
The first inklings of my ‘otherworldly power’ started shortly thereafter. Right before Koishi patted me on the back to bid me farewell, I felt… well, the best way to describe it would be to call it a ‘shadow’ of a feeling. I felt her pat my back before she touched me.
I say ‘pat’ my back, but in reality she pretty much slammed an open hand into my back and knocked me forward. I imagine to a regular human that would’ve been ridiculously painful because of the armor I was wearing. She just grinned that goofy grin of hers, said ‘buh-bye now, I’ll see you around!’ and disappeared again.
By the way, Koishi, you really need to work on subconsciously convincing me I didn’t see your footsteps in the grass. That’s like, the first giveaway of an invisible person.
Of course, she abandoned me right in front of the gates to the human village. Bundle on my back, shield on my forearm, sword at my waist, and a pouch opposite to that… I don’t think the guardsmen have ever seen a wandering traveler quite like me, before. To their credit, though, they didn’t step down at all.
Course, they had long spears and there were two of them to just one of me. I wasn’t about to back down, myself, though, even though I had no real clue how to actually fight with a sword. According to Fire Emblem, they would’ve won anyways.
How’s the saying go? ‘A club swung like a sword will always be as good as a club, but a sword swung like a club is less effective than a club’? Ah, well, I don’t really know. But the guardsmen didn’t have to know I didn’t know how to fight.
“Who’re you?” they asked. I forget which one asked me. Like I said, there were two.
“I am Esifex… Champion of the Frozen Wastes.” Okay, so I never really even earned that title, even in WoW, but damned if it didn’t sound impressive. I don’t think anyone could’ve actually earned it in plain ol’ Cobalt gear anyways.
Oh, by the way – I was no longer panicking, but I was still doing stupid things. That side effect tends to last a while. I had no idea of the hole I was digging myself.
“Greetings, Esifex, Champion of the Frozen Wastes. What business do you have with our village?” the other one asked. Still don’t remember who they were, though.
“Well, as you can see, I’m a little out of my element. Not many Frozen Wastes around here. I was hoping to stay a while, see if I can’t fashion myself into a Champion of the… Village. Place.” Not nearly as awesome as I’d hoped to sound.
“You’ll have to leave your weapon with us as you visit the guardian of the village. She’ll decide if you can stay, or what you’ll have to pay.”
Choice A: Take the sword off my waist, hand it over, risk them skewering me on the spot and rummaging through my goods. Choice 2: Hand it over, they let me in, go about my business. Choice Charlie: Attack!
Turns out Choice 2 is the proper answer. After unbuckling my belt, stuffing my little pouch into my bundle, and handing the sword and belt over, the guardsmen just opened the door and let me waltz right in.
Neither one of them seemed too obliged to tell me where I was heading, though. I figured I’d just go straight down the avenue till I got to the big building and eventually someone would ask why the hell I was walking in the streets in armor.
About five minutes passed and I had completely forgotten I was supposed to be going towards the only landmark I could spot; I’d removed the helmet and tucked it under my arm again, and was busying staring like a kid in a candy shop at all the little stalls set up.
By no means a market street, but just the sheer
niftiness of all the little things caught my attention like a shiny red ball.
I didn’t get long to admire the novelty of it all, though. Someone walked up behind me, from the guard post, and cleared her throat.
Who I would later remember-slash-learn was Keine Kamishirasawa was standing there.
“Hiya!” I say cheerfully, opening my free hand in a wave. She looks me up and down.
“A warrior woman. Don’t see that too often.”
“Surely, you jest. I’ve heard rumors that this village is guarded by a woman.”
“Not rumors; it’s true. I’m Keine, the guardian.” She starts to walk a circle around me, intending to get a look at my backside.
For some reason I was compelled to walk opposite her, so we ended up looking like we were about to duel to the death or something.
“Keine… hmm. You’re not a human, are you? You’re a … were-bull? If I’m not mistaken.”
Only a moments confusion clouds her face while she tries to figure out why I’m circling with her. “Mostly correct. I’m a were-hakutaku; most of the time, I’m human, yes. On the night of the full-moon, I’m a hakutaku.”
Because I know what that means. I nod instead of offer up a smartass remark.
“So, what brings a warrior woman with letters for a name to our village, seeking a place to stay?”
“Excellent question. I hope the answer is just as excellent for you. I want to offer my presence in any way I can, earn myself a roof and some food.”
She stops circling. I lack the foresight to do the same, and I begin to walk around her before I realize what I’m doing.
She looks sidelong at me, one eyebrow raised. “You’re a very strange young woman.”
“You’ll have to forgive me; Yukari just yanked me from my homeland and dropped me here. I’ve been at her estate for the past two or three days, but apparently she doesn’t entertain guests for long. Rather than send me back, she told me to come here. I was pretty much obliged to listen to her.”
“She does that sometimes. Hmm. For now, I suppose you can stay at the dormitories in the courthouse. Your first task towards rent will be to take the first night-watch shift; I’m assuming you’re better at standing guard than you are scrubbing and cleaning.”
Actually, I’m better at massaging and changing oil, but I won’t correct the person giving me a roof over my head in this incredibly weird-ass land.
“Appreciate it. Could you guide me there?”
She gestures at the large building I was originally headed to. “Of course. It’ll give me time to explain your second task to rent.”
Oh boy.
“In three nights’ time it’ll be a full moon. At that time, a rather pesky youkai in the nearby woods is going to be put down. You will lead the hunting party.”
“How ‘pesky’ are we talking, here? I’m used to fighting with long fields of vision, plenty of line-of-sight all around you. Hard to be snuck up on like that – I’m not so hot in forests.”
“Think along the lines of a rabid wolf, stealing flock animals. Except it’s about five feet tall and seven feet long.”
Wolf claws can’t punch through plate armor. I hope. I wonder how thick and durable Yukari made this stuff.
“I make no guarantees as to the killing blow, but I’m more than willing to put myself in front of it and keep it off anyone who’s going with me.”
Keine nods. “I’ll be part of the hunting party – that’s why we’re going out on a full moon. If anything happens, I’ll be there to help as well.”
Oh good, I don’t have to do all the work. Now, why did I say I was an excellent swordsman, Champion of the Frozen Wastes, again?
Right. ‘Cause I’m a goddamn moron. Yay, delusions of grandeur!
“The dormitories are through this door. I recommend you try to get some rest now – you’ll be guarding the outside walls of the village, not the courthouse. Your weapon will be returned to you, of course. Good night, good luck.”
So for three days I patrolled the outer walls of the village. Everyone slept peacefully at night (for at least four hours) while I was on vigilance. Okay, maybe not all because of me.
It was easy enough to make me forget that I was suddenly the hunts-captain for a giant wolf on steroids on the night of the full moon.
Luckily, that night didn’t end in complete dismal failure. I did not in fact end up getting disarmed of my sword and have to fight entirely with my shield, nor did I nearly get knocked over before one of the villagers managed to scare the wolf thing with his spear.
Nor did Koishi have to come in and blast the thing with what looked like a giant pink heart.
Haha. Okay, she
didn’t not have to blast it off me because I wasn’t not on the ground and it wasn’t pink anyways it was more like a light light purple.
Fine, fine. So Koishi shows up again and helps with the fight; her not-pink-mostly-light-light-purple –
–heart bullet thing doing a fine job spooking wolfyoukaibeastmonsterthing enough to give me time to get back on my feet.
“You’re forgetting the major rule in Gensokyo, Esifex!” She… flaps her arms, or something, and more purplish-pink hearts –
– come flying out of somewhere around her.
“Oh, let me guess. Spellcards and danmaku, right? I thought that was only for sentient youkai?”
“Nah. But I did happen to read your spellcards the other day – use ‘em! This is the perfect time.”
“Don’t have the time to pick and choose ‘em, you know.” I look around for my sword; still can’t find it, but the villagers are starting to fan out now, surround the wolf. Maybe one of them will spot it for me.
“Just shout the name of one of ‘em and it’ll come to you. Usually.”
You’ve gotta be kidding me. First, an omnipotent demi-god who watches anime conjures up armor for me from a video game, then she turns herself into me, makes an out-of-area phonecall in a place that shouldn’t have cellphones at all, then she dumps me into a village where I tell everyone I’m some champion swordswoman, then I get roped into a hunting party, and now I’m suddenly a ‘Magical Transforming Super-Girl’ who shouts out my attacks and poses dramatically?
Oh, hell. Why not.
“Shockwave!”
Something compels me to lift my leading leg up a little, take a half-step forward, then stomp down as hard as I can.
A huge blast of dirt comes rocketing up out of the ground towards the wolf, spraying it in the face and knocking its feet out from under it.
Oh, cool! “It should be stunned now! I’m going in!”
Koishi nods and sinks back, watching me fight.
Let’s see; sword on the ground somewhere, probably buried under all the dirt I just kicked up. Shield on my forearm, got two free ha
