Trouble In Paradise - Let's Play Paradise Blue!

[FinnKaenbyou]

As anyone who's ever read one of my LPs probably knows, I am notoriously bad at LPs. Not in terms of content (I'd like to think), but more along the lines of actually finishing them. Case in point, my attempts to LP Alter Aila and ZOE: The Fist of Mars. With this knowledge in mind, I'm going to take a shot at something much shorter.

Thus, I give you - Paradise Blue, straight out of RPG Maker.



Title music is a MIDI with an ever-constant tide in the background. As you may have guessed we're in a tropical setting. From what my informant has told me about this game, the battle system is fun and reminiscent of FFV, but the plot is garbage. Sounds like my sort of game.

Hit Begin, and we start with the view of a tropical land...



Would you like to know what the hell is going on? Y/N

INTRO:
SEASIDE BASE



"downstairs soon! I hope I'm not too late!"

You start in control of Neil, a young...something. I'm not sure what's happening other than we're at the seaside. I assume we're just a beginning hero without much to show for himself-



WAIT HOW AM I ALREADY LEVEL 23

I get the feeling this guy isn't our real protagonist. Just a hunch. Maybe he has bad equipment to make up for it?



His sword is a shark. I stand corrected. Anyway, before we head to that meeting, let's take a look around.



Silly Neil, real men fight naked! This also explains why his only form of armour is a pearl. :V



This book has too much text to really copy, but in short it explains that the temple served as a place of worship for the Azure Serpent, the most powerful god of the local religion. Sacrifices to the gods were made in difficult times.
So given the term 'natives', I figure this land's been colonised by whatever side I happen to be on. I'm sure there aren't any angry people with sticks who don't like that.



"If you can afford it, the elegant rooms are very comfortable, and there's even a shop just for people who use them!"

So there's a cheap-ass inn, and a rich-ass inn. Interesting.

Anyway, enough laying around. Let's get to that meeting.



Our hero, thoroughly devoted to his duty, takes a seat among the rest of his...group of...whatever it is we do.



Salomon: The unholy love child of Solomon and Salmon. With wings.



"No, Neil, that was a metapho-oh goddammit he's already asleep."



Reinaldo is apparently the King of Wherever The Hell We Are. Is exposition that hard?



Salomon: "Amaro is going to give us trouble if he declares himself next in line already."

Christina and Amelia, the two women at the table, don't understand why this is a bad thing - after all, Amaro is the closest relative to the dying King. Salomon's explanation is thorough.



This is probably what he has to say every time someone asks him about the wings, too.



So wait, now we're assassins? What exactly do we do?!



Bruno, AKA Edgar In Pink, offers Amelia a diagram. Which we don't see. That is really helpful, game.



So, we procreate furiously? Well, if duty calls, I call dibs on Amelia.

(Also, does this island not have a name? It's just The Island? What is this, The Prisoner?)



"Basically, we replace him with one of our own. Getting one of ours in is not your job."



Well THIS conversation got morally awkward really fast.

It turns out we WON'T kill him outright, but we're going to act as couriers to deliver a fake letter that'll send him off to another city, Santelha. THEN he'll get knifed.



Instructions the rest of us aren't allowed to know, of course, because that would spoil the surprise.



"Also - Abigail wanted you to bring back that token you said you'd found."



NOTE: THIS TOKEN CANNOT POSSIBLY BE A PLOT DEVICE. NOT AT ALL.

Amelia joins your party here, and she's almost as good as Neil.



Man, it's gonna suck to be the mercenaries who have to match up with a woman wearing Gaea Armour at the start of the game.

Talking to Christina offers another little plot point which I'll summarise:

C: "So Amelia, you always carry around that crystal. What does it do?"
A: "Ever since I picked it up, it'll defend me in combat. No idea why."
C: "Wow. Can I see it?"
A: "Nah, I left it in my room."

Well, I know whose room I'M raiding right now...except Amelia doesn't seem to have a room. Seriously, I raided all the beds upstairs - and even the chests next to them - and no sign of this crystal. WHY WOULD I LEAVE WITHOUT THE PLOT DEVICE?!



Dude, I play RPGs to ESCAPE real life.
Seriously, though, Sergio explains that I can hire people in town for various effects - faster walk speed, free travel, bonus power, and so on. Interesting.


"magically repopulated, so don't count on that!"

There's a limit to my grinding? Well, fuck.
There's a library at the back. Let's look around.


Truly, the greatest literary work of our time.
For some reason there's also a librarian looking at Neil's porn, and a guy offering a practice fight. Let's...ignore the former, and accept the latter.


As mentioned earlier, Paradise Blue's battle system is essentially FFV. That means ATB and interchangable jobs. Except WHY HAVE INTERCHANGABLE JOBS IF THE XP IS LIMITED BY NON-RESPAWNING ENEMIES?!
Neil is a Blue Mage with some decent moves, while Amelia's a rogue whose only special ability is Coin Toss. A book nearby explains that it does 1 damage for every 10 gold thrown, which is...pretty measly, considering Neil is doling out 300 damage per hit.

The enemies go down in no time, and the prize is-

You're a dick. >:<
Let's just ditch this sore loser.



I've raided every chest in the base. You really think it's a good idea to hang around?
Anyway, time for our heroes to-



wait what the fuck
OK, so now it turns out my suspicions were painfully accurate. Turns out that we aren't those guys after all! Which is probably good because there was some morally questionable shit going on there.

Although...I need to experiment with something, hastily.
...No, I'm not allowed to unequip Neil and Amelia to add their ridiculously good weapons to my inventory. Goddammit.

We now make a party of 4 to accompany Neil on his quest to deliver a token and/or commit murder. Gender of choice, and 6 classes: Fighter, Monk, Thief, and the usual Black/White/Red Mage options.
Against my better judgement, I let #scarlet-library decide on my team. Thus, our heroic adventurers are:

Miyaka Hoshinaga, female Monk (based on an old Maid RPG game I used to run)
Shaniqua McSteve, female Thief (will be referred to as McSteve at all times because who would curse a woman with the name Shaniqua)
Renko Usami, female Black Mage (super unified physics with a side degree in ASS KICK)
And Coconuts, female White Mage. To quote Stuffman's reasoning: "It fits the tropical theme, coconuts are white on the inside, and it implies she has a nice rack."

Anyway, with our team constructed, it's time to venture into the crystal caves!



This is apparently Amelia's hiding spot. Most people don't stop around here, so our token will hopefully still be around. So far, so adventurey!



Wait, uh...



i am right here you know



like literally RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU



You two are jerks.
Anyway, if we're defending a pair of level 20 adventurers, we must be pretty good at what we do, right?



...
I'm gonna die.



SUPER MARIO IS GIVING THE WRONG IMAGES TO OUR CHILDREN
Anyway, our first fight is against the aforemented mushrooms. They're level 1, and even for our terrible standards they're a pushover. Somehow, Renko does more damage with physical attacks than McSteve. I'm beginning to think your name wasn't sufficient credentials to take you on, McSteve.



Miyaka, though, is the powerhouse. She gets 2 hits compared to everyone else's 1, and she also has a Kick move which lets her do minor damage to the entire enemy party.



Also, there are flowers that eat you. And eat you they will, because they actually hit pretty hard. Thankfully, the cure spell only costs 1MP, so we're gonna be relying on Coconuts for a while.



Each battle also rewards me with ABP, which serves to let me learn job skills. When I change jobs [which I'll be able to do later], I can carry over one skill I've learned from another job.
Alongside Miyaka, Renko learns Auto-Focus, and Coconuts learns Auto-Regen.
...Wait, Auto-Regen? At level 1? Holy crap, I think I'm in love with this character. I didn't know Coconuts could be so nutritious!

"U-Um...I'm right here, Mister Rou..."

oh sorry i will leave the perviness to private time

>_<

Sadly it turns out that it only affects her, so everyone else needs healed the old-fashioned way.



The subtle hint was the Lizard standing two squares to the right.
Had to heal my team up before this, because these enemies are twice my level. That's right. LEVEL 2.
Shit is getting real.

Defeating them gets everyone to level up, and lets McSteve learn Dash, which...increases walk speed. Huzzah.
So what's in the chest he was guarding?



Wait who here knows how to use a sword
"Hey, gimme that!"
So apparently only McSteve can use this thing, and it's better than her crappy knife. This is your only chance to impress me, McSteve. Don't let me down.



Already Coconuts is struggling MP-wise. I might have to - shock and horror! - USE HEALING ITEMS. I knew I should have brought two White Mages.
It doesn't help that compared to other characters with 6 or higher, Renko has a Vitality stat of 1. She's needing most of the healing.



Various creatures stand between us and the Token of Whatever. Among them are peculiar rocks with plants growing out of them. There is something seriously wrong with this island. They don't have those on Ibiza...



And a seashell? What is this, Attack Of The Inanimate Objects?
This thing was guarding a chest full of Chainmail, which...no-one in my party can equip. Dammit.
While we're looking a little ragged, Neil is nice enough to tell us that there's a spring of healing water up ahead. FREE HEALING? YES PLEASE.

"Are we almost done in here? All these crystals look like stars and it's making my head hurt."
Sorry, Renko. All in due time.



Water elementals attack!
McSteve is put to sleep!
No-one else really cares.
McSteve wakes up afterwards, feeling unloved.
Also, they're really weak to fire, for...some reason. It's Renko's only spell right now. When all you have is a hammer...

We soon level up the jobs again, gaining a variety of moves:
Miyaka gets BuildUp, which is basically take 2 turns for bonus damage. Not worth it.
McSteve gets SeeHidden which reveals secret paths and treasure. Compared to the Dash which made me fly about the screen at a ridiculous rate, a must-have.
The mages got the right to use their magic in other jobs, which is handy, but I'm not sure how much I'll vary classes. Depends on what comes up.



Healing springs make me feel goooooooood.



Finally, after an arduous journey and the massacre of many mushrooms, we make it to the room which presumably contains the token. Time to get my pay and leave this level 20 assholes to fend for themselves.



Oh wait, you grabbed the token already? Well, so much for blackmail.
Turns out these are the crystals of FFV glory! The ones that let you swap classes, I mean. Amelia and Neil are taking them all for themselves, naturally.



What, you against 4 level 2 opponents? I don't see how this is remotely fair.


OH CRAP IT'S PUNK ROCKER SANAE

This fight also taught me something important - if you scroll down to the bottom of the command menu, you find the Row option which lets you move from front/back row. This option does not appear in the out-of-battle menu. Way to go, designers.

Also, remember that crystal she left in her room? Well, she has it back! And there's a chance it's going to hit you for a straight 40 damage every time you attack her. Consider that the monk has less than 80HP.

Yeah.

Thankfully, a MASSIVE crit from Renko hits for over 150 damage, and the counterattack manages NOT to kill her instantly. From then on it's just about finishing Amelia off.

Bosses give no XP or ABP. This makes me very sad.



You're level 20. We're level 2. You have no right to whine about fairness.



THE PLOT DEVICE?! GIMME GIMME GIMME
So Neil hands it over for...no real reason, and we get the right to swap jobs! Still the same six boring classes, though. No need to swap about for now, especially since Coco's next skill seems to be Automatic MP-Recovery...*_*

"W-Why are you looking at me like that? ;_;"

Wait, what's that thing in the middle of the room?



Oh, apparently it's totally pointless. Never mind.
"This is something reeeeeeal important, isn't it? Like in the movies, where it turns out the secret gem with ultimate power was right in front of everyone all along-"
no miyaka this is not one of your kung fu movies
"Aww..."

Anyway, taking the door out, and-


"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
There's a guy in front of us with what's obviously a chocobo, offering a travel service to Marsall.



Because I hate you two, I'm going to examine everywhere else first.
Oh, look, an inn! With a grandfather clock!



CLOCKS FOUND: 1/10
Seriously, though, this is an actual sidequest. By 'finding' 10 clocks you can learn Time Slip, which I assume is a spell.
Speaking of spells, you find them in chests and bookshelves around the world. I've picked up Echo (cure Mute/Sleep) and Poison (take 3 guesses) already, along with MORE CHAINMAIL I CAN'T USE ;_;
Also, some enemies drop orbs, and collecting a sufficient number of them will also teach you spells - presumably blue magic.

Stumbling around and beating up enemies everywhere else, we take the trip to Marsall-

Wait.



We're currently at the blue star on the right, at the area marked Beachside.
WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH IN THE CENTRE OF THE ISLAND.

THAT IS NOT HOW GEOGRAPHY WORKS GODDAMMIT

FUCK IT, I'M WALKING.



The seashells will never judge me ;_;
Also, revelation:



So when I'm on the back row, I'm not actually standing on the grass? Last-minute addition, methinks.
"Oh, wow. If Mary could see this..."

So with all the silly stuff done, we travel west to Marsall. This will likely be a long and difficult tre-



It was one goddamn screen.

NEIL, AMELIA, HOW FUCKING LAZY ARE YOU TWO

NEXT TIME: ASSASSIN'S CREED: HAWAII EDITION

-----
The List Of Unanswered Questions

This is something I'll do every update. If I forget anything, feel free to tell me!
- Where the hell are we?
- Who are we working for, exactly?
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked?
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!?
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously

[Janitor Morgan]

yay Miyaka

Looking forward to how this turns out; the commentary so far is excellent.

[Sana]

GO RENKO
BEAT UP THOSE BAD GUYS

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE, our party of four brave mercenaries made their way through the Crystal Caves to protect two heroes who really didn't need to be protected. They were rewarded with the Gem Token, a magical item that allows them to gain proficiency with other jobs at will.

Now, the party arrives at Marsall, where their VIPs are planning something unpleasant for the town's ruler...

-----


"given per enemy kill. Feel free to spend it."

Sadly, this is 400G in total, not 400G each.
"Well, I say I deserve half of it. Where would you guys be without McSteve?"
"Hey, no fair! You can't just take other people's money!"
"Um...Miss McSteve, you can have my share if you want..."
"Really?! Thanks, Coco. You're a real sweetheart. <3"
(That girl really needs to grow a spine...)



Oh look, another joke about guards sitting around doing nothing. I haven't seen that before.



...OK, that I REALLY haven't seen before. o_o

Anyway I should probably hurry, there's a job to be done in this city. I hope I don't get distracted by-



OH GOD FREE MONEY LET'S DO IT

So I have to hunt down a Sea Griffin. How does that even work? Wings and water don't really mix very well.



Oh. That's how it works.

...Yeah, I got my ass handed to me the first time around. It hits hard enough to drop anyone Renko in one hit, and there's also a Water spell that hits everyone for 40 damage. In spite of this, I beat it down in the rematch at the cost of only one Life potion. Guess who died?

"As a hint, it wasn't me. Totally. Of course not. >.>"

So, now that we've paid for this reward with McSteve's blood-

"Hey! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

-let's go pick it up.



Received:
- 600 GP
- Pearl (Collect 10 to learn Magic Breath)
- 8 ABP (Enough to let Coconuts learn Auto M-Recover!)

"M-Mr Rou, you're giving me that look again..."

Side-quest done. Time for the actual city.

Inn's the first building we see, and the place is huge. It even has a pool.



Get in there dammit this LP needs a swimsuit scene

Sleeping in the Elegant Room the inn offers costs a ton of gold, but comes with two benefits.

- You get a stat boost for all members, gaining the BEST status.

- You get to the exclusive store. The Blue Mage items you normally have to collect are available to purchase, as are various items whose effects replicate magic.

I'm a useless miser, though, so we're doing none of that. WEAPON SHOP!



Sadly, Mr. Generic Scottish Stereotype doesn't have anything better than what I've got.

More importantly, next door is a shopkeeper who will sell you black/white magic for ridiculously low prices. One shopping spree later:



"Cool, now I know Ice and Bolt! Finally, free from one-element syndrome."
"T-Thank you for the books, Mr. Rou. I'll use them well...but are Blink and Regen going to be useful...?"

Full set of armour boosts, and some talking with the people. Apparently there haven't been any visitors of late, and there's a lot of unemployment. I'm going to guess Mr. Asshole Ruler is taking everything in tax or something.

A nearby library has some more background stuff to read.


It then fell into a deep sleep, and the Sun Serpent took its place.
The Sun Serpent gives life the heat it needs to survive.
It's unknown whether the two Serpents are the same, or if the Azure Serpent is in fact a Moon Serpent.

Also, the guardian spirits of the island (which is apparently called Azulea) apparently went missing shortly after the arrival of the colonists. The natives were unhappy, of course.

This would be interesting if the religion was at all relevant to the plot. And so far, it isn't. SO MOVING ON.

The people of the city have a few odd quests to fulfill. One's as simple as finding a dropped amulet. Another requires a little more...trickery.


"But I need ya to distract 'em. Could ya dress like thieves and get 'em to leaves so I can get upstairs?"

Importantly, there's apparently another token up there, so I reluctantly accept.

"I-Isn't this a bad thing to do?"
"Eh, cool it. I'm sure this guy deserves to be robbed if we're out to off him."

Let's check out the castle, then! Apparently our man is waiting for us on the top floor.



Really? An Oblivion reference?
(For those unaware, this is pretty much copied straight from Oblivion, for an article about the legendary thief known as the Grey Fox.)



Let's avoid this path for as long as possible. Besides other things I WANT THAT TOKEN.

Finding a chest of ABP, we get McSteve up to the next level of Thief. She learns Slash (which I think is an attempted instant kill) and-

"Wait, I'm already a master thief?!"

Yeah, this is evidently a smaller class. Looks like SOMEONE'S about to learn how to be a fighter!

"Wait no I don't want to wear big damn suits of armour and-"


"NOOOOOOOOOOO"

And that's how we finally got some use out of that chainmail. Anyway, back to looting.


You...realise you're right next to the guard, right?



True story - this is not him getting held down by the guards. This is him trying to cast a spell on them and accidentally hitting himself.

WhatAnIdiot.jpg



He gets hauled to jail, giving us the opening we need. At this point a timer starts, giving us three minutes until the guards return. But they're gone, so it should be easy enough.



Or not. Each of these guys is an encounter, and the timer keeps ticking down during fights. Guards never stay down, and there's a ton of awesome items to be found all around the room if you're willing to risk it. Run out of time, though...



And you're thrown in jail, never able to get the rest of those shiny goodies. Hence, reload and this time don't try to kill everyone.

By the end I'm so low on time I'm just running from fights - and from me, that's REALLY freaking rare.



This had better get me a damn good class for all the work I had to put in to get it.



fuck

Well, I might give it to one of the mages when they've mastered their class...

"Please stop looking at me. ;~;"

Anyway, we also get the Scale Sword, which is an awesome new weapon for McSteve to use!

"Really? Damn, this whole fighter thing might not be so bad after all."

So, with that raid done, let's go lure Javier towards certain death! Because, y'know, we're the heroes and that's what we do.



FOOL
A TRUE WARRIOR DEFENDS HIS PEOPLE WITH A BUTTERKNIFE IF HE HAS TO



Given he's got personal dancers, I figure this guy rates pretty high on the Complete Tool scale.



You looked a lot younger in your sprite, pal.



Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my-



...What.
Neil are you honestly this fucking braindead



Slick.



IS EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND INFECTED WITH A TERMINAL CASE OF THE STUPIDS



For the sake of decency and intelligence, I hope so.
Neil thinks he's distracted by his hookers, though.



WHAT IS AN AZALEAN

Anyway, we're just about done here. One last tidbit - you can break INTO a prison cell in the same way you'd break out of it if you got caught in the music box quest. And your cellmate is-



Yeah. And then he fights you. And he's level 1. But hey, free Ether!

Your next quest is to get through Park Justino, presumably on the way to Sandelha. On the way you find a guy whose old house is in there and wants you to get him his diary. May as well.

Park Justino is to the northeast, and it's apparently infested with baddies. But hey, we're level 4, we're top of the world right now! Except for the level 20 characters we have who aren't doing a damn thing to help.

...;_;

So what's the park been overrun by?



Fire.

THAT'S RIGHT.



It turns out the chest cared about me after all. That's why it kept giving me good items...;_;



The fire has been aided in its takeover by evil spikey tortoises. A fellowship we all should have seen coming.



Also BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

With her new weapon and new class, McSteve is kicking surprisingly large amounts of ass.

"And I still have all the useful thief skills, too! Multi-classing is awesome!"

"B-But you're not the hero! I'm supposed to be the protagonist! I'm the one with the secret martial art and the bare fists and the ATATATATATATATATATA and the...I'm in the first slot, okay?!"

First off, a detour to the old man's house to find his diary. Let's look around.



NEIL ARE YOU A WALKING SACK OF INCOMPETENCE OR SOMETHING



Uh-oh. Turns out we're pretty underleveled for this area. This is where most sane, sensible players would leave and come back later.

However, I am neither of these things. LET'S GOOOOO



Though I'm horribly underleveled, I have two factors that play to my advantage:

- Auto-Focus makes Renko a monster caster
- Slash (instant death chance on THE ENTIRE ENEMY PARTY) means that McSteve can kill things she really has no right to kill.

Sadly, Miyaka's looking a little useless now. She'll be getting multiclassed when she's done with monk.

"What?! But I'm supposed to be awesome...D:"

Some more grinding, and we get a big payoff!



This is so many levels of broken. For one, this is essentially free healing - change Renko to a white mage, have her walk around a little, heal everyone. The rate is disgusting, too - 1 MP for every 4-5 steps. It's GLORIOUS.

For now, though, she's got some more skills to learn, so it's Red Mage time!



"I look more like an engineer than a mage in this getup."

This also allows Renko to wear the Mystic Armour which I picked up back in the music box raid, which actually puts her defense stat ahead of Miyaka! It's really not looking good for the monk, is it?

"You guys are all mean! >:<"

Fortunately, she has one saving grace - I never noticed that the Monks got an HP+ skill, so her HP rises to a nutty 250. She's just about untouchable now. :O

"See? I told you I was great! "

Anyway, we clear out the area (levelling up twice in the process), get the diary, but ALSO get the man's basement key. Interesting...



Those grey marks outside the room are the hidden paths that rogues can find. Thanks, McSteve!

"You're welcome. :3"

Taking this hidden path leads us to a secret entrance, containing:



An even BETTER sword for McSteve! This is just her night, isn't it?

Anyway, before we head back, let's look around and see if there's anything cool to be found...



Wait. I remember you.

Oh crap. He knew we were going to tail him, and we just walked into a trap! Amelia makes no attempt to hide her plans, and Evan makes his move - calling out a swarm of archers to destroy you!



Because these archers got the drop on you, they get to start with SIX free attacks. Most of them hit Coconuts, and because we're surrounded she counts as being in the front row for the three on her side. She goes down, but Miyaka is too sturdy to care about measly arrows.



Winning also earns us a new token, and a new class!



So as I pray, unlimited arrow works

TripleCut looks freaking deadly. I'm thinking I'll have Miyaka move to Archer when she's done with Monk, then take TripleCut with her into Fighter. (It lets her hit THREE TIMES instead of once. That's ridiculous.)



Thus we arrive at the capital city, Sandelha, where EVERYTHING IS MADE OF FUCKING GOLD

"asdfghjklsomuchEXPENSIVESTUFF"

Anyway, after we bring Coconuts back from the dead with a good night's sleep-

"Um, how does that work, exactly?"

-We're ready for some shopping. Importantly, we manage to pick up the Pure spell, which cures Poison and stun. A lot of stuff in the abandoned house was poisoning me and forcing me to run out or use healing items, and when I have an infinite supply of MP why should either of those be necessary?


"a hero saving the world from a demonic invasion, but really it was about 70+ year old men."

Seriously, what does this game have against Bethesda?


"version, or the new 'Oblivious' version? Either way, you wasted your money."

Yeah, let's try finding something more plot relevant.



Basically, the Serpentine religion is the old Native one. You know, the one we've read about a few times before with the Azure Serpent and the Sun Serpent. Apparently they're very strict, and leaving is punishable by death. Morality...questionable at best.

Meanwhile, I got sent out on another hunt for an Osprey. That can't be too hard.



I CARE NOT FOR YOUR LEVELS, I WILL SLAY THEE IN THE NAME OF-



Oh. :<

The game seems really finicky, though. Last time it had a spell called Wind Song that hit everyone for like 100 damage, but on my second attempt it never used that spell at all. Strange.



VERY nice payoff, though. The guard gives me 3000GP for the job.

Finally, we need to go back and give that guy the diary he's been looking for, don't we?



"Uhhhh. >.>"

Anyway, with another grand donation to the Azalea fund, we're just about ready to wrap up this segment! Next time, we stick a knife in Javier's back while I hope to god it turns out he deserved it.

NEXT TIME: EVAN IS, UH...AWAY. PERMANENTLY.

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

This is something I'll do every update. If I forget anything, feel free to tell me!
- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined the economy with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!?
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold?
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.

[Stuffman]

Man I forgot how fast you master classes in this game. It's not a big deal though since the game isn't very long, and it's actually nice to have access to powerful options to make multiclassing worth it.

Stop letting Coconuts die ;_;

Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.

They are easily the worst part of this game.

The author talked about how it was an experiment, since he was unhappy with the fact that in games where you make your own characters they usually don't have any kind of personality, so he decided to try putting some named characters in to accompany the party and do the talking. When you see the ending I'll talk a bit more about what he did wrong here.

[Yog-N'yggoth]

Do your characters talk more? I recall like one instance where one does.

Spoiler:

It was kinda amusing too, since the one talking/backsassing happened to have the Archer class.

[/size]

[Garlyle]

Oh man I'm totally not driven to replay this game at all I swear.

And by that I mean I was buds with the creator and at one point actually had plans to create a "Hard Mode" variant of the game due to having broken it hard in terms of difficulty.  You know, like an FF5-inspired game should be.

Spoiler:

You'd better not miss running into me.  Yes, I'm in here, even if you won't recognise me right away

Anyway augh now I have to go replay this game.

But yeah.  The plot really is kind of unintelligible and underwhelming, but the creator's focus seemed to be more on creating something vaguely Elder Scrolls-esque while maintaining a classic JRPG battling feel, and in that he succeeded and actually created what is probably my all-time favourite RPG Maker game.

EDIT:

So as I pray, unlimited arrow works

Reasons you should have brought along at least one male party member
Game breaker spoiler:

Spoiler:

Archer equipped with Attack Up from the Fighter class = oh my god I just killed the entire enemy party with one button press

.

[trancehime]

Roukan you have now given me something to do in my "spare time," whenever I get anything that is.

I'm so surprised I haven't run into these before, the game seems really interesting.

[GuardianTempest]

You nearly had me, thought 'Neil' was me(name IRL).

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE:

Having made it to Marsall, we (somehow) convinced the city's ruler, Javier to take a trip to the capital city of Santelha where we would assassinate him. Following him through Park Justino, we had a rough encounter with his second-in-command, Evan, who tried to sick a squad of archers on us. After Miyaka was done beating his face in, we made it to Santelha to finish the job.

-----

So we've lured Javier from his smaller castle in Sandall to...a larger castle in Santelha. This makes so much sense. Oh well, better find the guy so Amelia can make with the stabbing and shanking.



Try me.



"You have a terminal case of JRPG Protagonist, son. I'm sorry."



If the punchline is 'I don't remember' I will punch this guard in the face



i will hunt you



"The seedy assassination chamber is the third to your left."



Our target is upstairs and to the right. Lock the door, kill them, get out. Simple plan.

First off, up to our usual raiding antics and-



The hell is this
It complains about how cold it is, so I have Renko cast Fire on it. It rewards me with 25 ABP, which gives Miyaka the last push she needs to master the Monk class!

"Awesome! Master Chizuru would be so prou-hey, what am I supposed to do with this wooden thingy?"



"Archery?! But that's laaaaaaaame!"

When you're cutting people up for 3 hits a round, I figure you'll start seeing things my way.

The throne room contains two side halls, for the Golden and the Silver Knights. Each offers a blessing, but I can only have one. The Silver Knights give 500 XP, and the Golden Knights give 25 ABP.

Frankly the class system is broken here so I'm going to opt for the Golden Knights.

Renko gains another level in Red Mage, earning her a skill for a 6 POINT BOOST TO ALL STATS. It's a shame that would override her MP Regen and I'm too lazy to keep tagging it out.

"Powergaming is the scientific approach to RPGs! You can't cut down on gamebreaking! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!"



SUDDENLY, FF1 REFERENCES



...Really? A Richard Dawkins reference? That does not seem appropriate for the setting.

Meanwhile, another Magic Jar gives Coconuts the points she needs to learn auto M.Regen and master the White Mage class! This, of course, means it's time for a class change.

"Uwaaaaaaa! But I don't know how to siiiiiiiing! >____<"



At this point, Coconuts only knows two songs. One raises the party's Mind/Defense, and the other raises all stats at the cost of constant HP drain.

Anyway, it's time to get a-murderin~


"and so does Neil. We're gonna split up. You guys, stick with me."

The plan is to let Neil go in to distract them and lock the door while we sneak in above and jump down.



It's the opera scene from FF6!

So we've basically got to make it to the end without attracting attention. There are enemies along the way - mainly the rats that got mentioned earlier - but if we fight them we'll make too much noise and get busted. For extra credit, there are a couple of chemical bottles up here that'll make the job easier if I find them.

Being the MASTER OF STEALTH THAT I AM (also there are a million routes this is really easy) I collect the bottles without making a sound, ready to show Javier what for.

The moment you jump in, the fight begins!



The bottles we collected earlier are activated, hitting the entire enemy part for a straight 90 damage. The three front-line soldiers go down, but Javier and his elite guards are still standing and DAMN they're stubborn bastards.



Javier takes a ridiculously large amount of punishment, and his guards hand out frequent 40-HP hits to the party. Having two healers in this fight is pretty much invaluable, and having two healers with regenerating MP is even better. In a little bit of theatrical brilliance, I manage to take all three out in one shot from Miyaka's new bow - archers hit the entire enemy party.

"See?! I'm still good!"



The music just got really dark and foreboding. Kinda fitting given that, y'know, we just killed a man and his employees in cold blood. Say what you will about whether Javier deserved it, but his guards were just doing their jobs, dammit! What sort of moral high ground do we have here?!



Oh wait the moment we step out the music is cheery and happy again. Apologies for the sudden burst of morality, LET'S ASSASSINATE MORE PEOPLE

Our next task is to meet the informant, Abigail, who was asking about the Tokens we've been collecting. She's somewhere in the castle. No reason to, y'know, leave when we're covered in the blood of the man we just murdered.

"Dammit! I think I broke a nail in there."

that is not important now mcsteve

Abigail turns out to be at the entrance, talking with Christina - aka The One That Never Does Anything.



"For some reason, there's a smell of blood coming from the east wing...how curious."

She hands us a new token, unlocking the Time Mage class!



I don't quite get the connection between time and comets, but whatever!



Our job, of course, is to meet up with them there, where they're working with a group of scientists. Let's tie up our loose ends in Santelha first.



THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY, KUPO ;_;

Also, there's a sidequest we have to fulfill - the Serpentine religion has confiscated a scientist's research on snakes, and needs us to get it back. This, of course, means getting inside their base. Neil tries the easy way, and is turned down. Amelia, as usual, suggests coming in at night and just stealing the thing. I can't remember the last time Amelia's opinion was wrong, while Neil seems to be wrong all the goddamn time. And Amelia is the one who wants to solve every single problem with murder. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME



SLUMBER PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY

We (presumably?) get the guards drunk so they're away from their posts, and we can infiltrate the Serpentine base.



I have to say, this game's pretty good at switching things up. It's not the same quest over and over again - everything makes me think a little differently.



Guards can see 4 squares ahead, so it takes some careful maneuvering to get around them - especially on the relatively short pathways. Some more CLASSY STEALTH later, we're into the Serpentine base.



Wait what

Last I checked we were just here to get some snakes back.
AMELIA CAN YOU DO ANY JOB THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE MURDER



For added moral awkwardness, you can also kill every other member of the cult. I'd be against this if it weren't for the fact there are very few other ways to get XP in this game, so...



Killing people while their guard is down.
THAT'S HEROISM

At least we aren't heartless enough to kill the ones who are asleep.



...Amelia, you heartless bitch.

Anyway, the instant we step out of the building we're back at the palace handing the research over. Moral implications of unnecessary slaughter of a religious cult?

Who the fuck needs that?



Wait a minute, that's-

Holy fuck.

Richard Dawkins is an NPC in a fantasy RPG.

I need a few minutes to pick my brain up off the floor.



"It's got all these stars and things running along the sides, and a big red mark saying NOT ACTUAL CURRENCY..."



"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."

Anyway, to nobody's great surprise, the coin turns out to be another token.



...

I need to rectify my previous statement.

Richard Dawkins is an NPC in a fantasy RPG, who teaches me to be a warrior of God.

I am beginning to question my grip on reality.

At this point I pull out the big bucks and get myself a decent lackey. I've already been bringing around a character who makes all my chocobo travel free, and now for a whopping 7500 gold I've hired another employee who automatically casts Haste on my party at the start of every battle. Given that speed is usually the god stat in ATB systems, this will hopefully up the broken scale even further.

Anyway, we're meant to head Northwest, but there's a hunting ground to the south which will hopefully offer some nice XP. Let's go there first.



"Of LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW PRICES! COME TO ENIXMART TODAY!"

The fights here are timed, and the faster I finish the better my rank (and subsequently the bigger my payout). I'm now really thankful for that haste spell I got.



Quite possibly the least threatening jaguars I've ever seen.

It takes a few tries (and some abuse of Slash) to achieve Rank As. There's a reward for completing a hunt, and it's another token!



Yaaaaaaaay now I get to be Neil
aka i am never using this EVER

Some of these fights are really really hard though. Not in terms of difficulty, but in terms of finishing fast. The guards mention bringing an ally who will get me First Strike, but I'll have to look around. Let's try Vadeira village, just to the south...



I WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE

Vadeira has more people willing to offer their services. Some offer bonus damage, others offer to lower enemy defense. Hard choice...let's think it over while we take a trip down south.



Oooooooooookay I don't think I'm supposed to be here.

Sad as it, is, I actually WON this fight with a combination of Slash and Coconuts dancing us all into battle mode. I have to wonder what she's singing to get us so eager to fight to the death.

"Y-You wa shooooooooooock! >_<"

TIME FOR MORE GRINDING THAT I'M REALLY NOT MEANT TO DO



I tell my travel agent to take a hike and pick up THIS GUY. I'll have to pay for my travel now. Speaking of travel...



The whole map is open now! The potential for Unintentional Grinding (TM) is immense.

Also, as a little joke, I have Miyaka use Build Up. It's a lousy move, isn't it? It's not going to do that much-

"HOSHINAGA SECRET ART!



"Falling Star Fist!"

holy fuck

So I think Build Up takes a random length of time to activate (much shorter thanks to the Haste) and then pretty much gives a confirmed critical. Crits do MASSIVE damage in this game, and only certain weapons can do it. This makes Miyaka...

"Extremely awesome?"

Yes.

"Yaaaaay~"



These rattlers turned out to quickly become a pain in the ass. They like to use a move called Moon Flute, which essentially hits every character in your party with the Berserk status. Thankfully, Coconuts is unfazed because Bards are immune to all status effects, so it basically boils down to her keeping the party alive while they get beaten up. If Coconuts dies...I get to watch my party fail miserably for 3 minutes before I reload the game.

"P-Please start using some strategy, Miss Miyaka! What about your power atta-"

"MIYAKA SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH"

":["

So when all's said and done in this area, the final stats are something like this.



We've jumped about 5 levels. Just to the west there's a seaside town selling some incredible equipment, but I need some money for it. There's a sidequest I should have dealt with earlier about killing a giant.
Who's actually a windmill. Whatever. I'm past the point of caring. Gimme my money, Don Cervantes.


"I promise to be more rational from now on."

This game is very big on rationality, I've noticed. We're siding with scientists over religion, and all the evil or stupid people are called out as being irrational. We even helped Richard Dawkins by framing a cult for murder. Am I the only one getting the feeling that the developer is a raging atheist?

Oh also McSteve gets a new sword from this guy that sometimes casts Quake. Awesome.

Rest of the hunting grounds to clear out?



Cakewalk. (Sorry Momimomi I really need the money ;_;)

We find the Disable song for Coconuts, which debuffs enemies and casts a mass mute. That is REALLY good. McSteve finishes up in Fighter, and so I move her onto her next job - Paladin.



"Divine power allows my hair to stand on end!"

I still don't have enough money for the equipment at the seaside city. I pick up on rumours of a Crystal Cave to the west, filled with immensely strong monsters...sounds like money ripe for the taking, don't you think?

NEXT TIME: BUT ISN'T THE PLOT IN THE OTHER DIRECTION?!

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined ~*~the economy~*~ with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!?
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold?
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.
- Did anyone ever find Javier's body?
- Do I ever get to work for a Carl Sagan NPC?
- Why haven't Neil and Amelia complained about our MASSIVE detour?
- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?

[Garlyle]

Things to note:

Given that speed is usually the god stat in ATB systems, this will hopefully up the broken scale even further.

Yup.  Haste is god-tier due to the way buffs work in RPGM2k3.  Especially speedbuffs.

Yaaaaaaaay now I get to be Neil
aka i am never using this EVER

Wrong answer.
Blue Mage may or may not be horrifically broken especially now that you have the money to go get spells like Aqua Breath, 250 Needles, Aero 2, White Wind, etc early.  Really, right now, every other class of mage is an utter failure in comparison.  Just be ready for it to have far higher MP costs in comparison--oh wait your mages already have MP regen nevermind.

The hell is this
It complains about how cold it is, so I have Renko cast Fire on it. It rewards me with 25 ABP, which gives Miyaka the last push she needs to master the Monk class!

It's another FF reference :3

Also: In the town south of the hunting grounds I think you missed a pretty important quest (It's a chain that eventually leads to

Spoiler:

a very special bonus boss appearance and, as a reward, access to what is probably the best piece of armor for mages

.  The thing kind of sends you all over the place, however, so getting it started now is a really good idea.

And, finally, that place with all the crazy high-level enemies?  The building you probably saw there that you couldn't enter yet is actually the last dungeon.

Finally finally, yes.  The author definitely seemed to have had a bit of a case of Raging Athiesm at the time this was created, but for the most part the game doesn't really focus on that except in supplementary materials.  Well, except--actually, I'll save what I was about to say for when you're done.  It has to do with "things that didn't make the final cut".

EDIT:

- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?

Would you like to find out?  I can contact him.

[Yaersulf]

Rou, this is hilarious. You're awesome at LPs!
Hope I get to see it finished.

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE:

We killed off Javier to absolutely no fanfare whatsoever, and quickly got a new job to cross the swamplands. As an act of defiance against the two assholes hauling them around, the team promtly went the opposite direction, attaining obscene amounts of power in the process in spite of anything resembling game balance. Now the lure of gold will bring them to the Crystal Caves...

By which I mean McSteve is hauling everyone else along against their will.

"MY GOD IS WEALTH!"

-----

So, heading west to the caves, we end up backtracking back to the home base of the Azaleans (whose goals I STILL don't know). Nothing to see here, keep walking.



The enemies here look threatening enough, but honestly with what we've been through level 12 is no longer an issue. (Not shown: McSteve casually hitting the last enemy for 1500 damage. Yeah, she has the Max Attack bonus from Fighter, and Paladin already has the highest attack stat in the game, so if she crits...)



"That's right. I'm awesome."

Meanwhile, Miyaka is hitting for 200 damage across the board at the start of the fight, because I managed to buy her an extremely good crossbow back at the seaside town. It is worth its weight in goddamn gold.



What is this thing supposed to be, anyway? A frog in a head dress? Either way, it goes down as easily as everything else around here.

Onward, to the Crystal Caves!



Fitting that the place where I started should secretly be immensely hard. People at the seaside base were warning me away from this place because it's immensely dangerous. Let's see if they were right.



Level 21? You know, half an hour ago, that would have scared me.



This is more like it. These enemies know Ice 2, which still hits for about 100 damage party-wide. This is why I need that armour...



Or McSteve could learn a spell that helps to defend against the elements. That works too.



Venturing further in, we find the Doom Spirit we've been hired to eliminate. As the name suggests it likes to cast Doom, which in this game is a nigh-unavoidable instant kill. It's got a ton of HP too - It's the first thing I've ever seen survive one of McSteve's crazy criticals. Nevertheless, it goes down eventually.

The reward is 25 ABP, and the Black Hole spell - the ultimate Time magic, delivering instant death to all enemies. GUESS WHERE RENKO IS GOING WHEN SHE'S DONE WITH RED MAGE.



At level 28, shit is getting very much real. This thing likes to cast Sun Bath, which heals the entire enemy party for 200 HP. They also have tons of HP in and of themselves. Hard fights, to say the least.



I disagree! Swimsuits are appropriate at all times!

So, after struggling through countless enemies of immense strength, I finally emerge...



...At the beginning of the game.

Fuck.

Well, we're done here. Let's head south!



Painter, missing in the forest, near the tree trunks, yadda yadda yadda. Time to do something ACTUALLY HEROIC for a change.



Enemies in the forest are pretty tough. Also, there are more BEEEEEEEES to deal with.



Whoa. When she mentioned big trees, I didn't think she meant I would literally be going THROUGH them.



You travel in and out of the trees onto the walkways inbetween. Presumably this was built by the old natives before we ruined everything.



The fights get tougher and tougher. Slash really doesn't work any more, sadly. To make up for it, the Paladin class gives her Restoration - cures all status effects for 0 MP cost. These classes are so ridiculous it's not true.

Coconuts finishes up on the Dancer class, so she's going to become a TIME MAGE.



Hey, Coconuts! Now you're a doctor!

"D-Doctor who?"

Exactly.

Sadly Black Hole turns out to just be a slightly better version of Slash. I'm saving Blue Mage for Renko since apparently that's really really good.

Eventually we find the painter, surrounded by monsters. IT'S HERO TIME!



WHAT SORT OF IDIOT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR



So Andrew's an archer with level ??. As he asks, I don't hit him and take out the enemies, and...nothing happens. The fight keeps going. I waited several rounds, but he's not doing anything. Do I have to knock him out, or something?

"Stand back, guys. I've got this." *thwack*



well that made sense

He leaves his painting behind, and Amelia helpfully says we should leave it where it is and make him come back for it.



Even the GAME admits she's a bitch now.

With the rest of the forest raided, we head back to Mariana for our luscious prize.



I think I'm going to be sick.

The prize is the incredible Twilight Sword, better than everything in my inventory...except no-one can equip it. Not even McSteve. God dammit. It seems to be fighter-only, but I don't want to lose out on ABP.

Also, the conclusion of this dungeon brings us to an important milestone.



We're finally strong enough to take on the bozos who've been hauling us around the island! Will we? No. We'll just let them worry. That is our TRUE victory. :3

Next on the list of Miscellaneous Quests To Complete - there's an old guy missing in the western caves. Or ruins? I don't know, I walked into ruins when I went west. A quick look at the map shows I'm at Temple Narena - that old ruin I read about waaaaaaay back at the start of the game.



Enemies are pretty hardy, of course. Walking into one of the buildings, I climb upstairs to find...



A shirtless...Goku wannabe? He sits around charging up and never gets a chance to actually hit, so.

Anyway, it doesn't take us that long to get to the top of the temple.



One chest? This seems fishy.



CHESTS CAN BE LOCKED IN THIS GAME?!
Even Good Old Master Thief McSteve can't open it. I'm going to assume this is a plot issue and just head further west.



It's almost tragic how badly I'm tearing through these things now. What's it going to be like when I finally get back to the actual plot...?



Caves found! And also, possibly the most annoying enemy in the game.



Haunted Bones. Immune to just about every form of damage. And they know Doom, which is STILL an unavoidable instant kill. Fortunately, due to what I assume is a glitch, they aren't immune to Miyaka's Build Up attack.

"Of course not! If there's one thing my punches are good at, it's breaking bones!"

It's at this point McSteve masters the Paladin class, and learns Revive - in-battle, revives all KO'd party members AT NO MP COST. Beyond godlike.

...Though I know she could learn another class, nothing else seems useful right now. Maybe when another class pops up?



The old man's stuck behind the boss - three Haunted Bones and a boss with insane defense and spells that still kill me at this level. Thank you, Miyaka.

"^_^"



We also find this...thing. Its first move was to run away - or at least the game said it ran away, but it didn't move and I still got to kill it.

Anyway, there's one more cave at the back with one enemy in it. Let's look inside and-



Oh fuck.
She has her own battle theme.
I'm in trouble.

She starts the fight with a Full Boost on herself, moves insanely quickly, hits hard enough to take down McSteve in one shot, and is all around just about the strongest thing I've ever faced.



The taste of defeat is bitter, and I will not swallow it. Dark Spirit, you just made yourself a powerful enemy.

After a few attempts at trial and error, I develop a simple strategy. First, thanks to a glitch in the system, Reflect is more useful than it should be. If one character has the Reflect status, a full-party hit will miss entirely. Constantly use Carbuncles to get reflect, so the spells won't be fatal.

Second, since every hit will be just about fatal anyway, I may as well up my damage with Dark Force/Charm Song.

Third, LOWER HER DAMAGE ASAP with the Disable Song.

Fourth, McSteve casts NullSpell to reduce the damage of Blaze and Quake considerably.

Finally, DO NOT LET MCSTEVE DIE. Free revival is outright vital here.

Even with all of that, it's a matter of chance. If Blaze gets used too much, I'm dead. If she uses physicals, I'm dead. If she hits me before I can set up a defense...you get the picture.



I've seen more of this screen than I'd like to admit. Other men would just stop or come back stronger, but that's not my way. I don't want to come back LATER. I want to do it NOW. I'm an impatient bastard like that.

So I fight her again.



And again.



And again.



No retreat. No surrender.



The same tragedy on permanent repeat.



One of us is going to crack soon, Spirit. You, or me.



And it's not going to be me.

...

...

...

Finally, it pays off.



After god knows how many lucky criticals, and who knows how many healing items, it's over. We won. No XP or ABP, but the boss drops a special item called the Bravery Medal as a sign of the achievement.



Question for Garlyle - what level was I supposed to fight that boss at? I assume it's a lot higher than the Level 26 I went in with. And does the medal do anything other than prove I am in fact the baddest of asses?

On the way out, Renko learns the last Red Magic skill, DoubleCast. Having mastered it, she's now ready to become a Blue Mage.



"Why does a Blue Mage wear less blue than a Red Mage...?

Also, now we're way better than Neil and Amelia. SCREW YOU GUYS

Besides being as broken as always, Renko can now equip a decent amount of weaponry. I settle for something I picked up earlier - the Seaside Sword, which offers 0% crit chance but hits twice.



We've arrived at the city of Pertida - which is totally not where we're meant to be, but we'll run with it. That should do for this segment - I think I earned a break with that win.

NEXT TIME: WE KILL SMALL TIME POLITICIANS AND UNHOLY ABOMINATIONS FOR A LIVING

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined the economy with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!? Now that we're stronger than they are, this is irrelevant.
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold?
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.
- Did anyone ever find Javier's body?
- Do I ever get to work for a Carl Sagan NPC?
- Why haven't Neil and Amelia complained about our MASSIVE detour?
- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?
- If you defeat a monster called Defeat, isn't that a double negative?
- What WAS that Dark Spirit I just fought?
- Why does nothing happen in this game until I'm around?
- How is there only one chest in the entire world that's locked?

[Janitor Morgan]

Haunted Bones. Immune to just about every form of damage. And they know Doom, which is STILL an unavoidable instant kill. Fortunately, due to what I assume is a glitch, they aren't immune to Miyaka's Build Up attack.

"Of course not! If there's one thing my punches are good at, it's breaking bones!"

...



The old man's stuck behind the boss - three Haunted Bones and a boss with insane defense and spells that still kill me at this level. Thank you, Miyaka.

"^_^"

<3 Miyaka

Somehow I think that boss was meant to be fought later, yeah. Still, good job on beating it!

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE:

The detour continued, and we vanquished monsters of all shapes and sizes while taking further steps on the path to godhood, many of which I probably wasn't even meant to beat. Whatever. ON TO VICTORY!

-----



Well, this place doesn't look so bad.



the fuck is that thing



Did I forget to mention this city's built at the foot of a volcano? Because it is.



"Chocolate?! We are scaling that volcano, ladies!"
"Really? Chocolate? Kid, are you crazy enough to believe that garbage?"
"I'm in the top slot. I have vetoing power."

This girl Archeia joins us on our Quest For Chocolatey Goodness. Seriously, this is insane. Why would there be chocolate in a volcano?



Huh. Giant lollipop in the ground. Didn't see that coming.



Oh god, they're everywhere.
I have actually walked into a diabetic's worst nightmare.

Coconuts masters Time Mage, but because I don't want the characters looking identical she's not going to be a blue mage. We really can't get much more powerful than we are now, anyway.



ORIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE GO HOME SATORI IS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU



Miyaka killed this mob in one hit. True story.

We climb the volcano, and the only thing between us and the chocolate goodness is...



Donut?!



Seriously how high am I right now



Is this a trick? A trap? What the hell is going on?!



There is honestly no way this can get any stranger.



...I stand corrected.



ChocoCoconuts is now the party Chocolatier. This apparently gives her a variety of abilities for no MP cost as well as the ability to summon super-powerful weapons.

I don't get it. Let's just get off this damn volcano and head to the next town.

On the way down, Miyaka obtains the ultimate Archer skill - TripleCut, which gives the user three hits. I'm putting her into fighter for obvious reasons - 3 hits + Max Attack Bonus = oh god yeeeeeeeeeees



"I don't remember us all having such purple hair when we started out."
"It's okay...I don't mind...really..."

Interesting tidbit from a nearby adventurer - there's a cave nearby with captive enemies who only offer ABP. SO THERE'S A GRINDING SYSTEM AFTER AAAAAAAAAALL



EVEN AS I LEAVE THIS CITY IT MOCKS ME WITH ITS ICE CREAM

"Hey, can I-"
NO
"=["

Let's go somewhere. Anywhere. SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T HERE.



That will do.

Ok what menial tasks do THESE guys need help with



Challenge accepted.

There's a big church! Let's go in.



Why am I getting a talk about religious tolerance from a priest? This church sucks.



I take it all back.



And again with the Bible bashing. I have no idea why this is in here. It isn't particularly funny, it's not witty, and it's not really appropriate given that the main plot has nothing to do with religion.



"I AM THE NIGHT

Or at least, the stars. Sorta."



Or so he says, but then I walk through without him trying to stop me. Huh...?

And so I casually walk into the underground library, past the church's evil death robots.



That's not even a joke. The church has evil death robots, called Ancangers. They're remnants of the old empire, based on some of the notes I've been picking up.



This is a real thing that is actually happening.

Anyway, having plundered the Vatican, what's our prize?



+ I have my own evil death robot.
- I don't have the summoner class so I can't use it. :[

Anyway, let's leave.



Damn right it is.



He wants me to fight the shark for him. I'm torn between loyalty and the desire for GP.

...Actually, no I'm not. JOZU WILL UNDERSTAND.



Defeating the octopi apparently lures out the shark we've got to kill. No problem.

Sadly, this minigame is ludicrously hard. You can only shoot the octopi, you can only point in one direction, everything gets in your way, and 3 hits will end the game. Fortunately failing just loses you a little money - the shark gets brought to shore either way. Somehow.



Went down in 2 turns, sort of like everything else I've fought for the last hour.

You're left on an island with nothing but a boat trip home and a massive tower. Climb the whole thing, and-



Amazingly, this rewards you with ABP. The only logical conclusion is that I am in fact Miyaka's direct descendant, reliving her past in an attempt to find something that will tear apart the world forever.

Or it's a pop culture reference. One of the two.

Anyway, we're drowning in money after getting the reward for the shark. Time for some ingredient hunting.



As mentioned before, sleeping in the Elegant room gives you access to a store where you can buy the ingredients Blue Mages need to learn spells. Renko already knows a lot, but I may as well fill out her arsenal.



Some of these spells are fantastically ridiculous. And we have a never-ending supply of MP to cast them from.

"Hell yeah."

Last place to check - the town pub!



Wait, what did I-

*Quest Complete!*

WHAT

I'M SO GOOD I FINISH QUESTS BEFORE THEY START

Now let's go hunt that monster outside the town.



Not even trying to be subtle anymore. These guys only drop to water damage, which Renko can now perform. Also, she can kill the dreaded Haunted Bones with one cast of Magic Breath. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Beyond Broken.

Where to now?



We're actually on the verge of looping all the way around the map. Just for completion, let's check out the ruins before we head back to the park.



Well that was anticlimactic. There's a little pathway to the right I can take, though.



oh lord what



This mushroom is STALKING ME



Wait, is that Christina? And that's Abigail further down the table!



Oh damn, I fell back into the plot.


"we've decided to use it as a scientific base of sorts."

Abigail REALLY wants us to see their new top secret invention, but she refuses to say what said invention is. I need to see it for myself or something like that.


"walkway, then head north."

Well, just for a joke, let's look back the way we should have come.



Wait who are you

This isn't Santelha old man just go away

Anyway it turns out that my destination was all of two screens away from Santelha. So we made a sliiiiiiiight detour. Very slight. Very very slight. On to the cave.



IT'S STILL FOLLOWING ME HOLY FUCK



People with large pointy sticks who would like you to get out of the way.



"Test drive? Oh, I am SO driving this!"
"I call shotgun!"
"Uh..."
"Miss McSteve, do you even know how to drive?
"How hard can it be? They'll give me a manual or something."
"...Uuu..."



WE GET OUR OWN MECHAS?!

(Also, I like how we found an Ancanger before we knew what an Ancanger was. THIS PLOT MAKES EVEN MORE SENSE IN REVERSE!)



I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF HAVING MY OWN ROBOTIC DEATH MACHINE



The trap is basic. The lights flicker between blue and red. Blue means go, red means stop.



"Hey, no fair! I called dibs!"



Yes, we'll make our point with the super-powered war machines. That's extremely heroic.



Did we just go from fantasy to mecha in the space of one cutscene?

Meanwhile, Abigail has made us another token, and FINALLY explains how they work.


"Their spirit is transferred into the token, and it aids whoever wields it."

And so we get the Summoner class, half an hour after we get our first summon.



...Coconuts, you're getting class-changed again.

"W-Wha...?"



Coconuts can summon 3 Ancangers now.

- Ancrage damages all enemies and has an instant death chance.
- Ancenforce raises all stats for the full party.
- Ancera heals all members and casts full Regen.

OK, Coco. This is your time to learn how to be hot-blooded.

"Hot...blooded?"

Y'know, fighting the power and all that.

"That sounds scary...;.;"

You'll be fine, Coco. I believe in you.

"R...Really?"

Well, you're so blatantly overpowered that nothing can really touch you anymore, so yeah. Unless you make an enemy of McSteve, anyway. Don't do that. She's an animal.

"...OK?"

So, in the battle of Azalea vs. Lotus, the Ancangers may be the key to tipping the scale. But is Salomon right to place the fate of the island in the hands of a young girl and her travelling companions? Can Coconuts find the strength she needs to fight for what she believes in? And will Azulea ever know peace...?

NEXT TIME: MOBILE SUIT ANCANGER: COCONUTS' COUNTERATTACK

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined ~*~the economy~*~ with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!? Now that we're stronger than they are, this is irrelevant.
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold?
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.
- Did anyone ever find Javier's body?
- Do I ever get to work for a Carl Sagan NPC?
- Why haven't Neil and Amelia complained about our MASSIVE detour?
- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?
- If you defeat a monster called Defeat, isn't that a double negative?
- What WAS that Dark Spirit I just fought?
- Why does nothing happen in this game until I'm around?
- How is there only one chest in the entire world that's locked?
- Given the author's raging atheism, why is the prospect of magic never once considered in a theological sense?
- Should I believe in the myself that believes in Coconuts?
- Will Jozu ever forgive me for killing her fourth-cousin-three-times-removed?
- Will the Templars haul me out of the Animus before I finish the game?
- WHY IS THERE A LAKE FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE AT THE TOP OF A MOTHERFUCKING VOLCANO

[Cadmas]

Chocolatier O.o I don't even.

Its like Majin Buu all over again.

[Kasu]

This has got to be one of the best things ever. :3

The sheer ridiculousness of the game is awesome.

[Stuffman]

Geez Rou, I mean, you're not actually making it easier on yourself with all that ridiculous shit you just did, there's a limited number of enemies in the game so it's pointless to do the hard ones first D:

Also you beat the Dark Spirit wtf I never even bothered to go back and kill it at endgame. WHY ARE YOU SO BROKEN RPGMAKER.

I didn't try the Chocolatier class, you need to find out if it's good or not :V

BTW I guess it glitched out for you but normally that guard that says "This is a restricted area" gets murdered by Amelia, maybe he only does it if you face him from the top or something.

Coconuts <3 also yes summons are worth carrying til endgame, pretty much.

[Sana]

I'd really like to know what the Chocolatier class gets to learn :V

[Yog-N'yggoth]

What the LPer said, they can use  choco-based spells (though I think it's randomized), and they can use super equipment at the cost of not being able to use their normal equips after the choco items are gone. Well that's what I remember, maybe I'll be off to play it (completely forgot where I was in there).

[Fetch()tirade]

This is great work. I love how you give the protags their own identities and dialogue so the LP is less of a walk-through and more of a parodic retelling (parodic is a word, right?).

Also, Coconuts needs to learn about the wonders of Spiral Power.

[Garlyle]

A shirtless...Goku wannabe? He sits around charging up and never gets a chance to actually hit, so.

If you drop him below 40% HP, he goes Super Saiyan from his charging.
And then he just... continues to charge.
It's a joke battle, basically.

CHESTS CAN BE LOCKED IN THIS GAME?!
Even Good Old Master Thief McSteve can't open it. I'm going to assume this is a plot issue and just head further west.

This is probably the easiest quest to miss.  There's a book in fucked-if-I-remember-where that you read that actually has a key in it that opens the chest. 

Spoiler:

The Assassin Class token is inside

Question for Garlyle - what level was I supposed to fight that boss at? I assume it's a lot higher than the Level 26 I went in with. And does the medal do anything other than prove I am in fact the baddest of asses?

Actually, assuming you do kill everything, about the maximum level you reach is 30-32.  The equipment could have made much more of a difference, since you had still avoided that quest chain that gets you God Tier Armor and stuff, but still.  Congrats on beating the Dark Spirit.  There are a handful of bonus superenemies in the game, a handful of which are stronger than the final boss, but the two strongest are actually not tied to any particular quest - and Dark Spirit is actually the weaker of the two.  And the good news is, the last one can and will beat the crap out of you even at max level YAY.

And given your proficiency for avoiding the plot, you'll be getting to it at max level, since

Spoiler:

it's in the Spire of Spirits, the final dungeon

ChocoCoconuts is now the party Chocolatier. This apparently gives her a variety of abilities for no MP cost as well as the ability to summon super-powerful weapons.

Chocolate spells are weird.  If I remember right, there's eight of them.  However, you only actually have access to four at any given time.  When you use one, it vanishes from your list and is replaced by one of the ones that wasn't there.  I mean, yeah, they come with a 0 MP cost but... I found it one of the least reliable classes, sadly.

fuck yeah robotic death machines

Pretty much.  Summoner is almost The Best At Everything: The Mage.  Arcenforce

Spoiler:

raises stats directly, so it can actually be spammed to make your party stronger and stronger and stronger until the enemy just gives up

and its other spells are pretty awesome too, so yeah.

And you're still going to be kicking yourself when you go start the goddamn ribbons quest in the village next to the hunting grounds because you're going to have to go back to ALL THESE PLACES.

[trancehime]

Rou you have inspired me to do a semi-blind challenge run of this game! How's about that!

This is probably the easiest quest to miss.  There's a book in fucked-if-I-remember-where that you read that actually has a key in it that opens the chest. 

Spoiler:

The Assassin Class token is inside

Spoiler:

Don't you have to fight the two statues beforehand as well?

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE:

Having successfully reached their original destination from the entirely wrong direction, the party finally finds out what Abigail's plan is - using the unearthed Ancangers from the old empire, Azalea plans to gain the upper hand against their enemies, the Lotus. But for that to work, we need to get rid of the Lotus group's Ancangers first...

-----

Before we head back to the village to discuss our strategy, it's time to test out our new-found powers. We've got our death-bots, but it takes a summoner to bring them to life. Coconuts, do your thing!

"R-Right! Um...how's it go again? Oh, yeah!

Colossus of the age before,
We ask your aid to fight this war.
Let all who share our noble plight
Receive your power - Ancanger's might!"



"Hey, why the hell does AMELIA get to ride the damn thing!? Did no-one hear me call dibs earlier?!"
"Well, she can't hold a candle to us in combat anymore. It's only fair."
"But-but-but nothing's fairer than calling dibs! D:"



:3

So! Coconuts can control death machines. Let's get back to base and make some good use of them!



"It felt...strange. Like I was somebody else...somebody strong, and brave..."
"Course, that might've been the absinthe I stuck in her milk this morning."



We're jumping onto Lotus Base!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



So wait. You put your secret base...right next to the enemy base?

You guys have no right to win this war. Just saying.



Possibly the best idea Amelia has ever had.

Anyway, we're sneaking in. Time to deploy my EXCELLENT STEALTH SKILLS once again.



I count nine trees on screen, Amelia. You'll have to be a little more precise than that.



That's better.



We're to stay hidden until we find the Ancangers. Then we get to engage in as much unnecessary violence as we like.



These guys look around, so I have to time my moves between the poles. It's a good thing that outside of battle everyone has somehow managed to fit into Miyaka's pocket. =D



Amelia tells us the tiles are probably trapped. No-brainer - green good, purple bad.



Ancangers! Not the type we can summon, though. These ones just shoot you until you die.



Neil is keen to stop being stealthy. We need to take out this guard to open the door out. Who's this next to him, though?



And thus we engage in hearty business transactions without the soldier right next to us noticing a thing.

Seems legit.

We talk to the guard and ask him to get out of the way.



Amelia, of course, is unsatisfied, and adds that if he tells anyone she will hunt down his entire family and slaughter them. OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.



That said, she scared him into giving us a new Token, so it's not all bad.



"That librarian was wrong. I'M THE GODDAMN MCSTEVE."



Time to steal METAL GE-I mean the Ancangers.



No, Neil, I'm sure these ruins were always made of metal. DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A BRAIN IN THERE



"This is it", or "These are them". Preferably the former. For shame, Amelia.



Sadly, Amelia gives exactly zero fucks.



Really? We're beating up some old scholar? This is just plain cruel now.



You didn't take your stop-killing-people pills today, did you, Amelia?



Amelia and Neil get to act, and ONCE AGAIN THEIR STATS ARE HIGHER THAN OURS. Goddammit, it's like all that time breaking the system was for nothing.



Wait. This opportunity may never come again. GO FOR IT, AMELIA-oh wait, it just means it's got an instant-kill chance on the enemy. Fuck.



LOOK AT THESE FUCKING STATS WHAT THE SHIT



And they're fighting other Ancangers that are almost as strong! What the hell happened to the PLAYERS?! Are we just running behind or something? Or-

"WHOOOOOO! Told you I could drive this thing!"
"Thanks for letting us all in Ancera, Coco!"
"Psst, Coco...McSteve isn't really driving, is she?"
"Well, um...don't tell her that."

We escape victorious, and return to Abigail and Christina with our results.



Also, looooootta bodies. Amelia forgot her medication again.



Next stop: That Town Whose Equipment I Never Got Around To Buying.

BUT FIRST! Garlyle's pointed out that I missed a big sidequest back in Vadeira, so let's rectify that.



Frankly, with a name like Gabe, you shouldn't really be wearing a ribbon.


"need me to kill 'em. It'd be fun having them live in fear of the Emerald Devil."

TOUHOU AMELIA: EMBODIMENT OF EMERALD DEVIL. Coming soon.



First Richard Dawkins, now Adam Smith...? This is getting ridiculous.

Also there's a girl called Jocelyn who wants you to find her sketchpad in case you didn't have enough menial quests going on.

Anyway, where'd those kids go? Let's look around.



GD? The hell does that mean? Screw it, let's try outside.



...Really? Screw it, I'm beating you over the head for the worst kidnap plan in recorded history.



To clarify:

Miyaka is Daphne.
McSteve is Fred.
Renko is Velma.
Coconuts is Shaggy and Scooby rolled into one for DOUBLE FEAR.

And Neil and Amelia are Scrappy. Both of them. Yes.



...Oh no.



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go.

The destinations I need are Seaside, Marsall, Justino Park's Guardhouse (!?), Santelha, the Azuras river, Pertida, and Vila Estelar. So basically, everywhere.

Let's just get these out of the way. First, Santelha, because we're right next to it.



It's literally just lying on the ground. 1/7. Next, the guardhouse.

For the first time, I'm grateful for McSteve's Dash skill.



2/7. Next, Marsall.



While I'm there I drop off that professor I saved earlier. I get 4 super-powerful spells for it - Nuke, Holy, Meteor, and Wall/Reflect. Because Renko's in Red Magic she can't use any of these - Coconuts, however, gets to use Meteor because it's Time Magic.



Strange place to put a thread, but I approve. 3/7.

Vila Estellar.



That's 4.

Pertida.



Thread's in the distant corner of the pub. Somehow. 5.

While I'm here I get asked to track down a thief. Need to find something incriminating.



Hmm.



That's a loooooootta blood loss.

All the shopkeepers can tell me is that the culprit had blue hair. I search every inch of the city and find nothing. The only guy who has blue hair is the detective who sent me on this damn quest. To hell with it.

Next is the Azuras river, which is actually a new area that I've never seen before!



Amelia reacts to being hit on in the only way she knows.



Cold-blooded murder.



Little boats carry you around the river. This gets confusing very quickly.



We also have the ABP grinding area mentioned earlier. There's a prize for beating all the mobs, so I may as well go for that.

AP rate is insane. At highest level you're getting 24 AP per fight, so you can raise classes really quickly.



Thread's lying at the side of one of the arenas. Six. We'll head to Seaside when we're done here.

Lots gets mastered here. Miyaka maxes her attack, McSteve learns Dark Force as a skill (+50 to attack and speed, but the usual HP drain), and Coconuts masters Summoning.

"My laugh still isn't very good, though. :<"

McSteve and Miyaka both go back to Paladin. I think the team is good enough as it is - well, I could grind up McSteve to get TripleCut, but I'm lazy.

I beat everything, desk lady. Gimme my prize.



Why would I need an MP drain spell if I'm NEVER GOING TO RUN OUT OF MP >:<

Anyway. To Seaside for that last piece.



Back of the town's inn, and I am DONE! Now back to Vadeira to claim my prize.



The Mirage Shirt is a decent thief item, but it turns out we're NOT done. Gabe thinks she can go one better.



One of the robes is in a palace. The other is at 'the highest summit'.

So! For the summit, let's try Choco Mountain.



Wait a minute I don't remember you being here before



Level 17? Pshaw.

The dark robe can only be in one of two places - Marsall or Santelha. Turns out to be in Marsall, in one of the side corridors.

And it's being guarded by-



HOLY FUCK SHIKIEIKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS GAME



You can have her! I don't even want her!



So yes, the Pure Dark Robe is being defended by Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, highest judge of the dead. Why? Who the fuck knows.



Normal attacks don't hurt her at all, so right away Miyaka and McSteve are out of the picture. It's up to Renko and Coconuts to bring this one home.

"You...Coconuts, isn't it?"
"A-Ah?! How'd you know?!"
"A shame. You seem, all about, a decent person, but one thing alone holds you back. You're a coward."
"W-What?! I'm not a coward!"
"Really? If you'd been given a choice, if you'd known what you were prepared for, would you have taken on the role of summoner? Would you have placed yourself at the pinnacle of a war?"
"..."
"That cowardice stains your soul pitch black. Until you have thrown it away, I cannot forgive you for your sins!"



I entirely missed Eiki poisoning my whole party and nearly died for it. Soon afterward, Renko ran out of MP, leaving it all to Coco...

-----

"R-Renko! Help me!"
"Dammit...sorry, I'm all out..."
"So this is how it's to end, is it? Somehow, I am unsurprised. You fought well, but blades cannot hope to harm a judge of the dead. Now, as an accomplice of the Emerald Devil, I will have to sentence you all to pay for your sins alongside her."
(...Is...is this it? Am I...am I going to die?)
"The fiery pits of hell will welcome you. You have slain many on your path to glory, and their souls demand vengeance."
(I don't want to die...not yet...I'm not ready...)
"Death will seem like a relief, but it will never come. You shall suffer, over and over again, until at last your souls are scrubbed clean of their filth."
(People still need me. Neil, Amelia, Miyaka, everyone...I can't die...I won't die...!)
"Now, I shall be sending the lot of you off to-"
"NO!"

The sudden outburst from the petite girl catches everyone's attention.

"What the-"
"Coco?"
"Whoa..."

Eiki's eyes widen, not with anger but with curiosity. Her words are toying, almost playful.

"Oh? So you still oppose me. Do you honestly think you and your machines can stand against a divine judge?"

Coco doesn't answer immediately. For the first time, an angry snarl rises to her face.

"...I don't care if you're a god, or a demon."

Coco holds her arms out, sheer energy rising from her being. The ground shakes, and the sky turns a scarlet red.

"Nobody is going to hurt my friends! That's my duty as the summoner of Azalea!"

The ceiling of the building collapses, and charging through it a catastrophic meteor descends to the earth, aimed straight at the judge. Eiki looks up at it for a moment, eyes bulging open in shock.

In her last moment before the rock crushes her, she looks to Coconuts with something resembling a smile. She whispers two words.

"Well done."

-----

The Pure Dark Robe is acquired, and brought back to Gabe.



While the Prism Vest does not offer a straight defense bonus, it doubles the user's stats while in battle. Gabe has enough material to make two, but the first is given to Coconuts. For the whole journey back, no-one's been quite sure what to say to her. She's been quiet, but there's been a small smile on her face for the entire trip, like she's finally come to some realisation that she never considered. It isn't until the trip back to the Seaside Town that she finally finds her voice again.

"Everyone...I'm sorry."
"Eh? What're you apologising for? That was amazing back there!"
"I've been holding you all back...you've all been so strong, and I haven't been able to keep up. I've always been so scared..."
"Hey, most people don't even dream about the stuff we go through. Don't sweat it."
"I'm just saying...I'm going to be stronger now. I'll be strong, because people need me to be strong. It's my duty, right? I'm just mad that I didn't realise it earlier."

Renko puts a hand on Coconuts' shoulder, smiling.

"That's good to hear, but you've let Neil and Amelia get ahead of us."
"Eh? ...Aah!"

Coconuts stumbles along to catch up with her two employers, while her allies chuckle behind her.

"Some things never change, huh?"

NEXT TIME: NEON GENESIS COCONUGELION

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined ~*~~*~the economy~*~~*~ with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!? Now that we're stronger than they are, this is irrelevant.
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold?
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.
- Did anyone ever find Javier's body?
- Do I ever get to work for a Carl Sagan NPC?
- Why haven't Neil and Amelia complained about our MASSIVE detour?
- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?
- If you defeat a monster called Defeat, isn't that a double negative?
- What WAS that Dark Spirit I just fought?
- Why does nothing happen in this game until I'm around?
- How is there only one chest in the entire world that's locked?
- Given the author's raging atheism, why is the prospect of magic never once considered in a theological sense?
- Should I believe in the myself that believes in Coconuts? YES
- Will Jozu ever forgive me for killing her fourth-cousin-three-times-removed?
- Will the Templars haul me out of the Animus before I finish the game?
- WHY IS THERE A LAKE FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE AT THE TOP OF A MOTHERFUCKING VOLCANO
- Are Neil and Amelia the reasons I can't have nice things?
- Will we ever be given a reason to think we're actually fighting on the right side?
- Why am I more emotionally involved with characters who I am making up than the game's actual cast?
- Where the hell did that thief GO?

[Sana]

"Ok gang, let's split up!"
And then Renko fell into a secret chamber and solved the mystery.

[Cadmas]

Slacker Shikieiki. This place you do not belong.

[Garlyle]

All the shopkeepers can tell me is that the culprit had blue hair. I search every inch of the city and find nothing. The only guy who has blue hair is the detective who sent me on this damn quest. To hell with it.

I can't remember how this quest goes but I remember it being a pain in the neck.

Why would I need an MP drain spell if I'm NEVER GOING TO RUN OUT OF MP >:<

Soon afterward, Renko ran out of MP, leaving it all to Coco...

*gigglesnort*

HOLY FUCK SHIKIEIKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS GAME

I told you the quest line led to a very special boss fight :3c
(While the quest was actually my idea, including that there'd be a special boss fight for a robe, Shikieiki being that boss was entirely the creator's idea)

[trancehime]

Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously

Numerous sprites are also taken from the SaGa games - mostly some of the overworld enemy sprites. But because the US names are tagged Final Fantasy Legend... um...

[FinnKaenbyou]

LAST TIME ON PARADISE BLUE:

Things got a little too serious when we got distracted by another side quest, fighting (of all people) Shikieiki Yamaxanadu for the right to the best mage armour in the game. Also, we helped those ungrateful bastards Neil and Amelia get more powerful than us. Again. Goddammit.

-----

Out of sheer stubbornness, I'm heading back to Pertida to find that criminal.



OH NO GAME YOU ARE NOT GIVING AMELIA A SECRET SOFT SIDE

I'm concerned I broke the game. There was a girl here who said she knew me earlier despite it being our first meeting, and she's disappeared. I think I messed up somewhere...maybe I can finish the quest later when she shows up.

ANYWAY BACK TO PLOT, WE NEED TO REPORT TO BASE

Huh? Who's this guy at the entrance?



...Did I say I was getting back to plot? Because I lied.



Location: Giant Trees of the Forest.

Because we cleared out this area earlier, it takes less than a minute to find the thing.



Would YOU be scared of something with a face like that? Because I'm not.



This thing hits damn hard - enough to 1-hit Renko, in fact. Not that this puts me off in the slightest, of course. Miyaka and McSteve wail on the thing for obscene amounts of damage every turn, and it goes down pretty quickly.

Also, Miyaka is now equipped with the Sun Sword, which has a 25% chance of critical hits. She hits 3 times. Math says she's probably going to land a critical at least once in her three hits. The odds of her missing the crit all 3 times are 27/64, giving her odds better than 50% and therefore an average damage output of roughly 3k.

"Who's awesome? I am. :3"



The rewards are a set of blue magic items (which I don't need), a Carbuncle (which I already have plenty of), and a Golden Seashell (which is basically like the Bravery Medal - just for bragging rights).



I feel so loved.

Any, I don't think I can hold it off any longer...let's go back to the actual story.



Your successors, if we have anything to say about it.



"Since they're now more powerful than the people they're supposed to defend - Neil, Amelia, we won't be needing you anymore. You're fired."
(If only. If only.)



...Can I quit? Can I leave these bastards right now? I'm convinced they couldn't find their way out of a goddamn paper bag if I wasn't around.
No, you say? Why? Plot reasons? Goddammit.



Awesome! Now maybe you can tell me what the Azalea group IS.

Anyway, while we were away Salomon replaced Javier with one of our men. We now have a chance to gain another weapon in our favour - Alma, the sword of the ancient king, held within Marsall Palace. But we have to do it legitimately or we'll look bad to the masses, so for once Amelia's idea of 'mass murder' is off the table.

Abigail and Christina get sent on a different job.



I assume the ArcAncanger (that rolls off the tongue so well) is the ultimate Ancanger or something. NO WAY IN HELL am I letting Amelia ride that.



"Blame terrorists?"

Amelia gets assigned to work with Christina and Abigail. WE'RE FREE OF HER AT LAST-



GOD DAMMIT NEIL

Bruno, aka Edgar The Fabulous, has a side quest for us.



Say no more, Edgar. I have long since given up on trying to do 'the right thing' in this game. Robbing old people for their death robots? Why the hell not?

...Except the Quest is called Blessing. Which was the name of the quest where I broke into the Vatican and stole their Ancanger.

WELP

Time to meet with OUR man in charge of Marsall now, the esteemed Lord Lucas.



Still has the personal dancers. Yep, he's a tool.



But what if it...disappeared? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Our conversation gets cut short, though, as a newcomer steps into the room.



Uh-oh. Llorcan is the advisor of the Lotus group, and second-in-command to Amaro. Y'know, the guy we don't want getting into power.


"you know what I'm talking about..."

So both sides want the Sword of Kings at the same time! Well, too bad, sucker, because Lucas works for US! He'll never hand it over to the likes of you!



"Uh, hey! We just killed the Ragefish, if that means anything."

Llorcan makes some not-subtle threats, and Lucas sticks his guards on him and Amaro.



"I thought I trained you with better manners than this! It's 'give me the Sword of Kings or I'll kill you, pretty please'!"



Nice to know the Lotus group is as unheroic as Azalea.

Amaro is much more subtle about his request - since his uncle (the King) is dying, he figures that it's only fair for him to see it one more time. This time, Lucas doesn't really have a right to refuse.



Well played, Amaro. Tugging at the heartstrings. He asks us to meet him at the library as well, so why not?



There's Alma, but we can't do much to get our hands on it. For once, I wish I could go for Amelia's course of action and just kill Llorcan.



And as simple as that, he walks out with the sword we were after. Bastard.



I think the implication is that Amaro is an oblivious pawn to the Lotus group. Which sucks for us.

That said, Lucas has a question for us to think over.



Oh.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Lucas, I think you're the first character in this game who I can say that I like.



GOOD JOB SCREWING YOURSELF OVER, LLORCAN



"Gladly."

The Alma sword is incredible, but once again Paladins can't equip it. Miyaka goes back to Fighter so she can use it. (It has a 30% crit rate. Two crits in one round is disturbingly likely.)

"Because everyone knows the main character gets the sword of legend, right?"
"But, uh, didn't that whole thing with the judge earlier prove I was the main character?"
"Plot-wise, maybe. But do you have the shiny sword of plot device?"
"Well, no, but I have the Ancangers."
"...Let's just both be the main character, okay?"

We return to base, our prize in hand, and tell Salomon about Lucas' gambit.



Lucas confirmed for best character in this whole damn game. Salomon lets us hold onto the sword - he needs it later for the upcoming parade, which is likely when we'll make our BIG move against the Lotus group.

Meanwhile, Christina and Abigail are back with news on the Arcancanger.



The pair get sent along with us for this little quest.



Destination: The Spire of Spirits, just to the east. I've passed it before, but it's been locked up until now. The plot-quest difficult has ramped up considerably, given that this is a level 20 area and the last real enemy we saw in a plot-quest was roughly level 10.



You look familiar. Didn't I kill you an hour ago for a piece of shiny clothing?



And there's only one of you this time! Snoooooore.

To the Spire, to the Arcancanger, and to glory!



Emotional piano music? Yup, this is a serious dungeon.

These guys are just sages who work here. The High Priestess in charge is on the second floor. As usual they're going on about how their prophecies are vague and they're not really magical because RATIONALITY



Pure water, straight from the Crystal Caves, offers a free MP/HP recovery. Sweet.



Please tell me we're not about to have an awkward religious conversation.

Abigail tries to talk her into letting us upstairs, but the priestess is insistent that everything beyond the second floor is restricted. Abigail politely apologises and leaves. Well, we're kinda fucked, aren't we-



how the fuck do you steal someone's keys when they're on a pedestal that stops you from getting behind them

She's not the Emerald Devil because of her murderous streak. It's because fate twists and turns around her to make her right about EVERYTHING.

Anyway, we use these keys to unlock-



A...staircase? Whatever, let's get looting.



Enemies here are weaker than they were outside.



I don't think I've ever wanted an apocalyptic text to be right before, but if it means Amelia dies I don't mind.



The last floor is sort of trippy. *_*

Nothing can touch us on the way up, however. Eventually, we get to the last line of defense between us and the ArcAncanger:



The Guardian.

It opens up strong, with the powerful Death Claw attack that drops its target to 1HP. Sadly, it doesn't have time to let out another attack after that as Miyaka lands crit after crit.

"Nothing can survive the power of the Sword Of Plot Device!"



The ArcAncanger is ours.



That was remarkably simple. Too simple, almost. Let's take a little more care downstairs, using McSteve's old SeeHidden ability for good measure.



I knew it.

We're not done quite yet. The Spire of Spirits has one more boss for us to take care of, and it's the strongest thing we've ever faced. Ladiest and gentlemen, I give you:



THE BEDBUG. A level 50 monstrosity. It knows Nuke, which at the start of the battle hits for a ridiculous 1500 damage. And it only targets one character, so the Carbuncle strategy from the Dark Spirit doesn't work here.

The only option is to buff and debuff to hell and back. Coconuts mashes out Arcenforce, Renko mashes out BigGuard for defense, and Miyaka/McSteve wail on it as much as possible. McSteve takes the DarkForce skill again just for the speed boost - because Arcenforce STACKS WITH ITSELF, she gets really fast really quickly.



Of course, the problem is SURVIVING that long. Again, Nuke will one-hit-kill ANYONE, and when you're revived you lose all buffs you had. This is most notable in the lack of speed which means newly revived characters are likely to die before they get to move again.



After BigGuard, it's best to have Renko cast Image for a full-party Blink. The bug's physicals can still one-shot you, so this causes them to miss entirely and costs the bug vital turns. Of course this means you have to hope it doesn't one-shot you with a physical before Renko gets to move again, but yeah. Try it the other way (Image, then BigGuard) and your whole party is liable to get destroyed by Blaze before Renko's second move. At this point it becomes a matter of praying he doesn't use Nuke. Or Doom.

Did I forget to mention it has Doom? Well, it does.



Hello again, Game Over screen. We've been running into each other a lot recently.



Not as much as with the Dark Spirit, though. This time we're well prepared, well leveled, and well-armed. Miyaka landed a disturbing amount of critical hits in this sequence, and each crit hits for well over 2k. Thus, the bed bug will bite no more.

The items it was protecting were the Force Vest - a decent mage armour, but not as good as the Prism Vest - along with the best sword in the whole damn game.



Best damage. Best hit rate. Best crit rate. Speed boost. Chance of doom. And Paladins, the class with the highest inherent ATK, can equip it. It's all yours, Miyaka.

"Who needs the Sword of Plot Relevance?! I've got the Sword of Bragging Rights!"

Our work here is done. Now it's time for the final quest - and for that, we need to head to Santelha for the grand parade.

We're gonna have one hell of a time...

NEXT TIME: PARTY LIKE IT'S RPG MAKER 2003

-----

The List Of Unanswered Questions

- Where the hell are we? The island of Azulea
- Who are we working for, exactly? The Azaleans? Still not sure what that means.
- Why are we okay with working with assassins?
- Are we the good guys? The bad guys?
- Why is this guy in Marsall unliked? He ruined the economy with extravagant self-indulgence
- Why did Neil and Amelia give us the Plot Device Gem Token when they were meant to be holding onto it?
- Why did they make us do all the hard work when they're FUCKING LEVEL 20!? Now that we're stronger than they are, this is irrelevant.
- Why can't they be bothered to walk to the left for all of a MINUTE?
- How much are they offering me for this crap? Whatever it is, it's not enough. 400 GP. Definitely not enough.
- Is every sprite in this game stolen from Final Fantasy I mean seriously
- How structurally viable is a castle made of gold? It's just gold paint, apparently.
- How can fire spirits walk around a park with nothing bad happening?
- Why did it take me so long to find a bow?
- How can an Osprey be so fucking deadly?
- Why didn't Javier just order my goddamn execution when he saw the OBVIOUS TRAP coming?
- Do I ever get to beat up Neil and Amelia? Because I REALLY wish I could.
- Did anyone ever find Javier's body?
- Do I ever get to work for a Carl Sagan NPC?
- Why haven't Neil and Amelia complained about our MASSIVE detour?
- If the game designer saw what I was doing, would he murder me for it?
- If you defeat a monster called Defeat, isn't that a double negative?
- What WAS that Dark Spirit I just fought?
- Why does nothing happen in this game until I'm around?
- How is there only one chest in the entire world that's locked?
- Given the author's raging atheism, why is the prospect of magic never once considered in a theological sense?
- Should I believe in the myself that believes in Coconuts? YES
- Will Jozu ever forgive me for killing her fourth-cousin-three-times-removed?
- Will the Templars haul me out of the Animus before I finish the game?
- WHY IS THERE A LAKE FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE AT THE TOP OF A MOTHERFUCKING VOLCANO
- Are Neil and Amelia the reasons I can't have nice things?
- Will we ever be given a reason to think we're actually fighting on the right side?
- Why am I more emotionally involved with characters who I am making up than the game's actual cast?
- Where the hell did that thief GO?
- Will I ever be able to sleep again after fighting a bed bug with nuclear weaponry?
- Why can't Lucas be the protagonist?
- Is this parade going to end in Amelia slaughtering everyone again? I swear, after that one party in Pertida we made her swear to never drink again...
- Why does Salomon have wings? I forgot to re-ask this but seriously there's no explanation and there is no race of bird-people on this island.

[trancehime]

Detective Quest

Spoiler:

You can only trigger the events if you pick up the open box in front of the weapon store shopkeeper girl. Once you walk out, bloodstains spawn all over the outside of the map. It's horrendously unintuitive and it took me 10 minutes for me to figure it out.